183 Times a Year (29 page)

Is
it the pills Mum's given me or was that actually as good as my ears supposed?

Have I just witnessed the birth of something
special,
both a visual and sound extravaganza or has my heady cocktail of drugs and booze messed with my senses? Judging by the standing ovation for The Incandescent Adolescents I suspect it's the former.

‘Boody hell,' Simon says turning to look at me. ‘You'd pay to see them wouldn't you? Not a lot, not, you know, Coldplay or the Rolling Stones kind of money, but decent money.'

Funky Purple Haze
is the finale of the show and a breathless Cassie rushes off stage towards us.

‘What d'ya think?' she asks, wide eyed and buzzing.

‘Amazing Cassie,' says Simon.

‘Sick,' Connor says.

‘Yeah,' Maisy says nodding. ‘Whatevs. I thought you said Blue Horizon was gonna make an appearance though?'

‘Blue Horizon? What the bleedin hell is Blue-bleedin-Horizon?' Dad interrupts.

Cassie sighs and rolls her eyes. ‘She's an upcoming singer, Grandad, I told you about her the other week. She's got a massive following and is gonna be huge!'

Dad scratches his head and Cassie turns her attention back to Maisy. ‘Nah,' she replies pointing in the direction of the young man I didn't recognise, now expertly fingering his bass guitar. ‘She was too busy in the end so she sent her bass player Ralph, he's just got back from touring with her in Australia. You should speak to him.'

Maisy breaks into a smile. ‘Okay,' she says and she wanders off towards the stage. Cassie turns to look at Mum and Mum grabs her by the shoulders.

‘Told you you were good didn't I? Told you she was good didn't I?' she repeats turning to look at me.

‘Whooo hoo Cas,' Dad says. ‘There's a Fancky Purple aze
arhen
the Moon. What d'ya think?' he asks, gyrating and swinging his hips Mick Jagger (he thinks) style. Cassie laughs. Then she looks at me and her smile vanishes. ‘How's your ankle?'

‘Sore,' I reply pointing downwards. Her eyes widen in surprise.

‘Shit. You'd better get that seen to.'

‘I think you may be right but I wouldn't have missed it for the world Cassie – you were brilliant.'

‘Huuummph thanks. I'm not as good as some of the others,' she replies shrugging her shoulders. ‘But yeah, thanks.' Her doe-eyes lock with mine. She's trying not to cry. ‘He didn't come Mum,' she says. Small darts of pain splinter my heart. I swallow hard.

‘I know love.' I pull Cassie gently towards me and hold her. ‘It's his loss. It's your Dad's loss.'

‘What?' Cassie retorts, pulling away. ‘I'm not talking about Dad. Bloody idiot never comes to see me in anything I do. I'm talking about Joe. You know … Joe? My boyfriend?'

‘Oh,' I reply slightly confused, ‘right. But he's not … well I didn't think he was …? Oh Cassie he's not worth it. Your happiness doesn't depend on the permission of others you know? And …well, besides…'

Cassie's eyes narrow. ‘Besides
what
?' she asks.

‘Well … I just think you could do so much better for yourself than someone like Joe. C'mon, don't let him spoil …'

‘Arrrggghhh. I knew you'd say that. This is soooo bloody typical of you. You don't have a bloody clue do you? He loves me you know? I mean reallllly loves me.

Is she trying to convince herself or me?

‘Look! Look,' Cassie continues, thrusting her phone at my face. I screw my eyes up in an attempt to try and read the screen without my reading glasses. I can just about make out the words
luv
and
gawjus
before Cassie snatches it away again. ‘Oh just leave it,' she shouts. ‘You never support me in anything.'

Chapter 25

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER

LIZZIE

She knows I know. Although quite what it is I know I can't really say but I'm pretty sure she's being unfaithful, having an affair, call it what the fuck you will but I know she's cheating on Andy. That's why she's avoided all my texts and then, after finally agreeing to meet me, chooses to pay for us both at Catalina's to soften the blow. Unless – god forbid – Ruby actually wants to introduce me to the recipient of her affection? He does work here after all. My eyes dance capriciously amongst Catalina's young male waiting staff and I'm relieved not to see Luca among them.

The restaurant isn't particularly big and with its eclectic mix of dark, wooden tables and odd chairs, soft sage painted panelled walls and crisp, white linen tablecloths, it carries an air of casual chic, almost restaurant-cum-cafè. No wonder Cassie enjoyed coming here when the two of them went shopping together. I smile to myself. At least Cassie's happy again. It's amazing how a cheap bunch of supermarket flowers and huge slab of chocolate can melt a girl's heart. I didn't think Joe had it in him if I'm honest, didn't think he possessed a single romantic bone in his skinny body.

I strain my neck looking towards the heavy glass door, nervously searching out Ruby but there's still no sign of her. I look away again and observe ladies clutching big designer handbags arriving to lunch and businessmen and women in designer suits
talking
shop. If you were, are, anyone of significance this is most definitely where you'd choose to eat, mainly because the extortionate prices keep riff raff like me out.

I hate to admit it but I feel slightly uncomfortable. Although I think of myself as a people person, adept at adapting to all kinds of situations and individuals on all levels, equally at home with Ruby as my fidus achates or simply my BFF, I never really move in the circles that frequent Catalina's. The staff are all friendly enough though, and don't appear to be particularly phased by my cheap dress or sensible shoes. Knee high boots would have been better, especially as this snow looks like it's here to stay, but I couldn't get the left boot over my still fat, still sprained ankle.

I stare up at the huge painting of a cow just above our table. The waiter (not Luca), white-jacketed and bow-tied, drifts over casually, advising me it's the work of a local artist if I'm at all interested? I smile politely and shake my head. Despite the fact Ruby is now twenty minutes late (I wonder if she's bailed on me?) there's no urgency to move me on though. He asks me if I'd like something else to accompany my complimentary water. I'm tempted to order a glass of house white but if Ruby fails to turn up the cost of this one item alone will eat into a significant chunk of this week's food budget. As I consider this slight dilemma, Ruby strides confidently, purposely up to the table.

‘Oh god, I'm exhausted,' she states, almost throwing herself onto the chair opposite me. She looks at the water I'm drinking, scrunches up her nose in disgust and orders two large glasses of white wine.

‘Hey,' Ruby smiles, ‘how's you?' Despite their evident wealth, Ruby and Andy have always remained pretty grounded. They are however, at ease with their money and although never brazen about their financial good fortune there is no doubt whatsoever they enjoy spending what they have. ‘C'mon let's order,' Ruby
continues,
perusing the menu. ‘I'm bloody famished.'

I, on the other hand, am not. I'm nervous and as usual my anxiety has squashed my appetite. My leg begins to move involuntarily up and down under the table. I'm sure the other leg would join in if my ankle weren't injured. Ruby orders prawns with romesco sauce and a selection of cold tapas including jamon serrano, queso manchego and olives. I order pan-fried hake with white bean and chorizo broth.

I look at Ruby and wonder what the fuck I'm doing here. So what if she's having an affair, is it really any of my business anyway? Perhaps Andy knows? Perhaps he's impotent or they're swingers or have an open marriage or … god knows?

‘Yes it was me you saw the other night,' Ruby suddenly blurts out, as if reading my thoughts ‘and yes I'm having an affair.' She takes a large slurp of wine, as do I.

I knew it but I'm still a little taken aback. There is a long pause between us as I try to find my response.

‘Okay,' I eventually manage to say.

Ruby sinks her glass of wine and orders another one. She looks at me through narrow eyes. ‘Don't judge me,' she says waving a finger at me. ‘Don't you dare judge me!'

‘I wasn't … I'm not,' I protest. ‘Does … Andy know?' Ruby shrugs her shoulders and I can't help but smile. She wears the same sullen expression of petulance that Maisy does when I catch her smoking in her bedroom.

‘I dunno … yeah … no … maybe?'

‘Why?' I ask. Ruby shrugs her shoulders again. ‘It's complicated. You wouldn't understand.'

‘Try me?'

We both look up and smile fallaciously at the waiter who places two plates of gastronomic artwork in front of us. We both eat too little and drink too much.

‘I think I'm trying to hurt him,' Ruby says after several
moments
of silently pushing a glossy orange prawn around her plate.

‘Hurt him? But why? Don't you love Andy anymore?'

Ruby smirks at me and shakes her head. ‘Of course I love him. We've been together like forever, and I've never
stopped
loving him – despite his fat belly and weird hobbies.'

I take a few moments to digest Ruby's words alongside the food I'm struggling to eat. Reluctantly resurrected, I'm reminded of Scott's infidelity. Minor flushes of anger colour my cheeks. Or is it the wine?

‘How can you cheat on someone you claim to love?'

Ruby bangs her fork down on her plate. ‘I wondered when this was going to get back to you' she hisses. Her intonation is derisive and I feel deeply wounded. ‘Oh don't give me that stupid look,' she goads. ‘We can't all be fucking perfect like
you
Lizzie.'

‘Whhooaa, just a bloody minute now Ruby,' I reply, using my hand as a stop sign.

‘Waiter,' Ruby shouts. She is uncharacteristically obnoxious, waving her arm in the air and clicking her fingers. ‘Nother glass of wine please.' I put my hand over my glass to reject the refill the waiter offers me. Ruby scoffs, angry and drunk, but one of us has to stay sober.

‘S'alright for you,' Ruby continues. ‘With yerr perfect lil famlee and perfect lil life.'

I laugh but I'm incensed. ‘Perfect life? Perfect bloody life? Are you fucking kidding me? Cheated on, left high and dry with two kids … then what Ruby? Three damaged people …'

‘Huuuummmpph!
Damaged –
why
do
people love to bandy that bloody word around?'

I'm ready to erupt but I ignore the sarcasm in Ruby's voice. ‘Three damaged people meet two other damaged people,' I continue. ‘Add to that an ex-husband who doesn't give a shit, a
job
– thanks to an endless round of cuts – I can barely hold onto, a mortgage we can barely afford and two out of those three kids can scarcely stand the sight of me. Yeah, perfect fucking life eh Ruby?'

Ruby slumps forward and puts her head in her hands. After a moment she looks up at me, blinking heavily, supporting her chin with her right arm now resting on the table.

‘Yoos have three, I only want one. Not greedy. Jus' one to call my – NO –
our
own. He wouldn't though see, said he couldn't stan to love an looooose like that again. Said he'd leave me if I gor pregnant. So!! Wos a girl to do eh?'

My head is slightly fuddled, never was very good at drinking during the day. It takes me a minute to catch up. Although Ruby and Andy are generally of gregarious character they were both extremely private about their loss of Lilly. As the years passed it was generally accepted that the mere mention of her name was taboo and most definitely not a subject open for discussion. I accepted and respected that. How was I supposed to know that secretly Ruby still yearned for another child?

I asked her if she'd spoken to Andy, explained to him how unhappy she was? She said no. She said he'd made his mind up years ago and she knew he'd never change it. I told her people do change and can change their minds. I said it wasn't too late, that more and more women were having children later in life. I told her she
must
speak to Andy. After all, didn't she owe it to Andy and most of all herself to explain how unhappy she was.

‘Yoos sanctimonious bi
hiiccuupp
chhhh,' Ruby eventually replies. ‘I don nee your fuckin pity and I defnee don nee your bloody judgement.'

Despite her unpleasant outburst I remain surprisingly calm. I'm just about to respond but Ruby beats me to it. More words spill from her mouth but these words are heavy, and they hit me like a sledgehammer to the stomach. I become paralysed and
rooted
to the spot. Although Ruby is drunk and slurring her words, these words are different, these words are crystal clear. I stare at her in disbelief, barely able to take in what I've just heard. Ruby shrugs her shoulders again and merely smirks back at me.