183 Times a Year (43 page)

The service is at an end. The coffin bearers, including Simon, pick the coffin up and very carefully balance it on their shoulders. They then walk, very slowly, down the aisle, to the haunting voice of Richard Hawley singing
Long Black Train.
It's a beautiful song but too, too sad.

The
words linger in my head as we follow the coffin. It's good to get back outside, even though it's started to rain again. The coffin is lowered into the ground and flowers and earth are thrown onto it. Final goodbyes are said.

‘Goodbye Andy,' I whisper. ‘Safe journey on your long black train.'

Chapter 41

NEW BEGINNINGS

CASSIE

I'm sitting with Ruby in her huge kitchen. She stayed for a while at the wake-celebration thing, but then she told Simon she had to leave coz she felt unwell. Simon asked me if I'd go home with Ruby while he looked after the other guests along with Maisy and Connor.

Ruby has changed out of her funeral dress and now has grey trackies and a sweatshirt on. Poor Ruby, her face looks so pale. She's sitting crouched over, hugging one knee and staring into space.

‘Cup of tea?' I ask. ‘Rosie Lee Grandad calls it.' Ruby starts to rock back and forth, still holding one knee, her eyes filling up again. I'm surprised she still has tears to cry; she's shed so many.

‘I didn't deserve him,' Ruby says. ‘It should be me dead, not him.'

I make my voice soft. ‘Don't be silly,' I reply. I pull out one of her funky orange chairs and sit opposite Ruby. I hold her hand. ‘It was an accident Ruby, a stupid, stupid car crash. No one's fault.'

‘I'm being punished,' she replies. ‘For being such a bitch. This is my penance for being unfaithful.'

I look at Ruby, confused. ‘What? What do you mean?'

Ruby covers her face with both hands and makes a weird groaning noise. ‘It's all such a fucking mess,' she mumbles then screams so loud I actually jump. I don't really know what to
say
so I decide nothing is best. We sit in silence. All I can hear is the hum of the huge fridge. I feel nervous and rub marks off my hands that are not there. Eventually, after what feels like forever but is probably only a few minutes, Ruby speaks again.

‘I had an affair Cassie, with Luca.' I'm shocked, mainly that someone so young could fancy someone so old. And again I don't really know what to say.

‘Oh,' is about all I can manage. I feel hurt for Andy (even though he is dead).

Everything is quiet again and I'm lost in thought.

‘Why?' I eventually blurt out. ‘Why would you do that to Andy?'

‘Because I'm a stupid fucking bitch.'

God this is so awkward. I wish Mum were here. I laugh nervously.

‘I was drowning Cassie. Drowning and desperate for Andy to see me. He was so wrapped up with work, with the company, he didn't see how unhappy I was. I really didn't care if I got caught, I was trying to get his attention.'

Ruby explains how devastated both she and Andy had been when Lilly died, how she wanted another child but Andy didn't. How they both loved each other but how empty Ruby felt without Lilly. I asked Ruby why she didn't just get pregnant anyway coz surely Andy would have come round in the end? But Ruby said no, Andy had made it quite clear, he said if she got pregnant again, he'd leave her.

‘The affair with Luca, is that why Mum fell out with you? She knew didn't she?'

Ruby laughs and shakes her head. ‘Yes, she knew – well, had her suspicions – but no,' she says. ‘Your Mum wouldn't fall out with me over that. Don't get me wrong, she was angry, told me off. Said I had to get my shit sorted.' I have a mental image of Mum doing just that and it makes me laugh out loud. ‘Told me
it
was wrong, that I needed to speak to Andy. Good advice of course, the right thing to do, but then my stupid drunken spite fucked it all up completely.'

I'm confused again.

‘I don't know why I said it,' Ruby continues. ‘After all these years I carried that fucking guilt with me, silently suffering but always keeping my fat gob shut. And then out it all came, like some sort of pent up poison, desperate to escape. But then I lost her Cassie. I lost your Mum, and now I've lost Andy. Forever.' Ruby bursts into tears again. ‘It's all my fault,' she says in between great sobbing gulps. ‘It's all my fault and now I'm being punished.'

I feel sorry for Ruby but also confused and if I'm honest, a little bit annoyed. ‘You know that's just not true,' I reply very matter-of-fact. I am trying to copy Mum's annoyingly reassuring tone. ‘You were a bit of a cow for having an affair but Andy dying was an accident. Pure and simple.'

‘But … but,' Ruby stutters. I pass her some of the crumpled but unused tissues from my pocket. ‘What if he was thinking about me – us – thinking about what I'd done? What if he was so busy thinking he stopped concentrating on his driving for a second and lost control of the car?'

‘What, you mean the affair? What if Andy was thinking about your affair with Luca?'

I look at Ruby's tired, worn out face. She dabs her red, sore eyes and equally red nose. My heart sinks. The truth is I know exactly how Ruby feels; the guilt she carries. That god-awful day Mum was admitted into hospital never leaves me. From the minute my eyes open in the morning right through and into the night my thoughts are always haunted. Why did I say that? Why did I choose those words to yell at Mum's disappearing back?
“Why don't you just piss off and don't bother coming back”.
Each and every single one of those words feels like a ball
of
splinters in my throat or drops of acid on my tongue. I don't deserve a voice or the power of speech. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. What a load of bollocks. Words can hurt – really hurt.

I do have a voice though and I manage to find it again. ‘Coz if that is true – that you believe Andy's accident is your fault for being a bitch – then what you said to me that day Mum was rushed into hospital, you know, about it not being my fault and that I wasn't getting what I'd asked for? Well, then that isn't true either is it? If you're being punished then surely that means I am too, for also being such a bitch.'

Ruby looks up at me. She frowns then smiles and not just with her mouth, her eyes smile too.

‘You're far too clever for your own good young lady,' she says. I smile back.

Ruby opens her mouth as if she's about to say something else but clearly changes her mind and closes it again.

‘Why …?' I start to ask before pausing for a moment. I know Ruby's close to telling me why she and Mum fell out and although I desperately need to know, I'm not sure I actually want to. I take a deep breath and go for it. ‘Why did you and Mum fall out Ruby?'

Ruby's expression changes again. She looks like someone has just slapped her. She dips her head back into her hands again and rubs her face really hard. She rocks backwards and forwards and won't look at me.

‘Ruby, please,' I plead.

Ruby takes her head out of her hands and stops rocking. She looks straight at me, her eyes filling up again. ‘Oh god, if I tell you Cassie I'll lose you too and I couldn't stand it. I can't lose anyone else, not now.'

I'm starting to feel scared, scared shitless if I'm honest. What could be so bad that Ruby actually believes I'd abandon her,
especially
now?

‘You won't lose me Ruby I promise – on Mum's life.'

Ruby stares at me, eyes wide. ‘Don't say that. Take that back,' she yells. ‘You can't swear on Lizzie's life because
you will
hate me.
You will
want nothing to do with me, like your Mum did.'

I laugh – sort of. ‘For god's bloody sake Ruby, whatever it is it can't be that bloody bad?'

Ruby's eyes darken and she just stares at me. ‘I slept with your Dad Cassie – years ago – I slept with your Dad. Scott.'

I feel as though I've just been punched in the stomach, winded and unable to talk.

‘What … what do you mean?' I eventually manage to stutter.

I don't know if its relief or fear or grief but now she's started Ruby doesn't seem to be able to stop, the whole story comes pouring out of her mouth. Waves made up of words, one after the other crash so quick and violently into my head I can barely keep up with her. Ruby explains about another time her and Andy were going through a bad patch in their marriage, years ago when they were much younger.

They were arguing, mostly about having children. Ruby wanted them but Andy didn't. Things got so bad they even stopped sleeping together for a while and Ruby thought about leaving Andy. She said she bumped into Dad on a night out. I was a baby, only a couple of months old, and Mum was at home looking after me. Ruby said that she and Dad were both really drunk and Dad was like being really attentive towards her, complaining that Mum didn't understand him. Ruby said she slept with Dad out of spite towards Andy and didn't give Mum a second thought – until afterwards.

Ruby said it was one night, not an affair – a drunken, stupid, stupid mistake. And she stayed well and truly out of Dad's way after that.

Shit,
now I understand why Mum was so hurt. Her best friend had slept with her scumbag husband – who happens to also be my wanker of a Dad. I feel numb. How could they? Isn't that like a cardinal sin or whatever the bloody saying is?

Ruby is still talking but I feel sick, not realising the best is yet to bloody come. What Ruby tells me next completely floors me, totally and utterly head fucks me. Ruby confesses that Lilly was my sister – well, half-sister. She explains that she fell pregnant after sleeping with Dad, but she didn't realise until months later, by which time her and Andy were getting on much better. When she worked it out she knew though, from the dates of the pregnancy, that the baby she was carrying was Dad's and not Andy's. She took a chance and told Andy about the pregnancy but lied about the dates. Andy wasn't too happy at first but he eventually accepted the pregnancy and Lilly as his. Ruby said Andy was a brilliant Dad to Lilly. But when Lilly died, Andy told Ruby no more, no more children – he couldn't and wouldn't do it again. It was only after Ruby spilled her story to Mum (Ruby said she envied Mum coz Mum has me and Connor and Maisy) she went home and confessed to Andy that Lilly had been Dad's.

There's another mad twist to this story though. After Ruby confessed to Andy what had happened with Dad, Andy confessed to Ruby that he'd had a vasectomy just after they'd married (he'd been abused as a child or something and was afraid to be a parent, in case he fucked it up) and he knew, for all those years, Lilly wasn't his. He didn't know at the time and didn't want to know who the real father was, he just knew it was important to Ruby to have a child and he surprised himself how much he loved Lilly and how easy it was to be her Dad. What shocked him the most was the terrible sadness he felt when Lilly died.

Ruby and Andy had deceived each other big time.

Ruby stops talking but my head is spinning. My emotions are all over the place and I'm not sure how I feel about anyone.
I
reach inside my bag for my purse and pull out the crumpled photo of Lilly. I stare at her sweet little face. Lilly, my sister. I pass the photo to Ruby.

‘Here, look. I carry this photo of Lilly with me everywhere.'

Ruby looks surprised and stares at the crumpled picture, stroking it with her finger. We both burst into tears but this time Ruby rescues me, hugging and holding onto me for dear life.

‘I'm so, so sorry Cassie. Please forgive me,' Ruby says. I can't tell whose snot and tears is whose anymore. Everything tells me I should be fuming with Ruby, that I should hate her guts. But I don't. I'm angry but I feel sorry for her and I still love her. I need to forgive her, but I also need to forgive myself for being human, for being flawed – like everyone else it seems.

Ruby pulls away from me, still holding onto my shoulders, tilting her head to one side, studying my face. ‘God you look so like your Mum,' she says. ‘I miss her sooooo much Cassie.'

‘Yeah, me too,' I whisper.

Ruby grabs my hand and holds it tight. ‘Well then,' she says. ‘Where's there's life there's hope eh? So we mustn't give up on her. Now, what do I have to do to get a bloody cup of tea round here?'

I wander around Ruby's beautiful kitchen (slightly dazed). My hands fall across her gorgeous granite worktops. I open cupboard doors and release gently gliding draws, searching out cups and spoons. I flick the switch of her orange, high tech kettle – just one of the many well sick gadgets she has, including a juicer, an espresso maker and a wine station, not to mention the copper sink, the wood fired pizza oven and the warming drawer. It's an amazing kitchen just like something you'd find in those expensive glossy magazines. It's the antithesis (I like that word now) of our dated kitchen with its un-matching appliances and worn out, well used look.