183 Times a Year (44 page)

Ruby wanders up behind me.

‘
I love your kitchen,' I say.

Ruby looks around her. ‘I'd rather have Andy,' she sighs. ‘Cassie, I have something else to tell you.'

‘Oh god, what? I'm not sure I can handle anything else Ruby.' I laugh but I'm not joking.

‘I'm pregnant?'

‘What?' I reply, almost scalding myself with hot water from the kettle I'm now holding. ‘But, but I thought you said Andy had had a hysterectomy?'

Ruby laughs. ‘Vasectomy Cassie, but yes, yes he did. But he had it reversed and … well it worked. She looks at me and attempts a smile.

‘Really? The baby is Andy's this time? Not Luca's or someone else's?' I cringe as I finish asking. ‘Sorry,' I add.

Ruby shakes her head. ‘No, you're right to ask. No more deceit, no more lies. But yes, the baby really is Andy's. I'm 12 weeks.'

‘Did Andy know?'

‘Yeah. He did, and he was chuffed to bits. We talked it all through and we agreed it was something we should try. He forgave me my affair with Luca and said it probably wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so selfish. He said he was frightened but he was really pleased when I fell. Not acting for my benefit or anything. He was genuinely really happy for us.'

Ruby starts to cry
again
. I grab her and hug her.

‘That's like, well sick. Ooh ooh it might even be a little boy?' I continue excitedly.

‘Yeah, it'd be nice wouldn't it?'

My head feels fucked and wanders off with my thoughts for a minute. OMG, like oh my actual god, life is like, so fucked up – so complicated. Like, this crazy, crazy shit is real, it's all actually real.

Ruby's voice interrupts my thinking. ‘I've got a scan next
week,'
she says. ‘Will you come with me? I mean, you don't have to or anything. I just thought, if you wanted to…?'

‘Of course I will' I reply. I feel overwhelmed and flattered. ‘I'd love to Ruby.'

‘Really?'

‘Yeah, really.'

‘Thanks Cassie, it means a lot to me.'

I shrug my shoulders. ‘S'kay. And anyway, where there's life there's hope eh?

Oh my god, you so have to go to the hospital and tell Mum. If that doesn't wake her up nothing will!'

Chapter 42

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE

CASSIE

‘But I do love you Cassie, honest babe I do.'

I look at Joe. I've heard it all before. ‘Really Joe. And what exactly is it that you love about me?'

Joe shrugs his shoulders. ‘Everything?'

He puts his arm around me and pulls me to him. God he smells so good. I love him, I really do, and this is breaking my heart but I can't do this anymore.

I push Joe away from me. ‘Then surely if you love someone Joe, you support them, when they need you?'

Joe's face darkens and his eyes narrow, he looks moody.

‘Oh like that tosser Luke I suppose?'

‘He's not a tosser Joe, Luke's a good friend.'

‘Yeah, only coz he wants to shag you.'

I roll my eyes and shake my head. I feel exhausted. ‘Well at least he doesn't come up with excuses when I ask him to visit Mum with me.'

‘Yeah, well, I don't do hospitals babe, you know that.'

‘Or funerals, or gigs or just about anything else I ask you to in fact eh Joe?'

‘Yeah, so, I can't help that I'm a busy man.'

‘Busy doing nothing with your stoner mates you mean.'

Joe looks wounded. ‘I'm sorry babe, I love you I really do, but if you're not with me 100 percent I can't carry you – us – anymore. My Mum's seriously ill, then there's the band and
Connor.
Do I go to Uni or don't I go to Uni? Ruby's having a baby. I can't keep trying to fit in with you when I have so much other serious shit going on.'

Joe pulls me to him and kisses me, really soft but strong at the same time. ‘I love you Cas.'

I feel myself melting, giving in again. It takes all my strength to push myself away from Joe.

I shake my head. ‘No Joe, you're not going to talk me out of it this time. This really is goodbye.'

Joe's eyes actually start to fill up. ‘But I will change Cassie, I promise. I'll go to the hospital with you. I'll even come to your next gig. When is it?'

I sigh. ‘I already told you, it's tomorrow. Mia's Dad Clive asked us to play at her wake.' Joe looks confused. ‘Mia – remember? I met her at Christmas, she had leukaemia. She died Joe. She was only 16 years old. I told you this.' Joe still looks confused. ‘Oh for god's bloody sake Joe! Anyway, The Incandescent Adolescents are playing tomorrow for Mia, to say goodbye. It'd be great if you could come and support me?'

‘Ahhhhhh, right, tomorrow is actually a bit short notice …'

I shake my head and start to walk away. ‘You'll regret it,' Joe shouts after me. ‘Loads of girls fancy me.'

My heart is breaking. I know I'm doing the right thing, for me anyway – but it hurts so, so bad. Oh god I wish Mum was awake.

I walk, very slowly up our drive, getting my Connor face ready. I have to stay strong and act normal for Connor, and Simon and Maisy for that matter.

Mark, Tabitha's husband from next door, is on his drive cleaning his car. ‘Hey Cassie,' he shouts out. ‘How's your Mum?'

I
shrug my shoulders. ‘Much the same,' I reply.

I walk towards Mark. He looks embarrassed. ‘I'm sorry about Tabitha, the other week,' he says holding a bucketful of water in one hand, running his other one through his hair. I'm not sure what he means. I frown at him tipping my head to the side. ‘You know,' he continues, ‘when the reporters were camped out and Tabitha was giving them all interviews about what a great friend she is of your Mum's.'

I laugh. ‘I don't think we all thought anything of it, or expected anything less from Tabitha if I'm being honest.'

Now it's Mark's turn to laugh.

He asks me if I'm okay. He says I don't look so good. I tell him about Joe, and having to put on my Connor face before I go in the house every night. I tell Mark I'm exhausted, and sad. So, so sad and afraid that Mum is never going to wake up.

‘Have you got half an hour?' Mark asks. ‘I've got an idea.' I nod. ‘Follow me,' he says.

Mark puts down his bucket of water and walks down the side of his house towards his back garden. I follow him, slightly unnerved.

‘Is Tabitha in?' I ask.

‘Yeah, she's bathing Fortuna. Getting her ready for bed.'

We walk through their immaculate garden that perfectly matches their immaculate house, down towards their shed house at the bottom of the garden – also immaculate – decked out with beautiful furniture and a cinema style movie screen.

‘My bolt hole,' Mark says turning to me and smiling. ‘Now, take a pew,' he says patting the plump, brightly coloured cushion forming the seat of one of six rather expensive looking chairs. He pulls a chair out for himself opposite me, plucking something from his pocket before he sits down. ‘Ta dah,' he says holding up a ready-made spliff between his fingers.

‘Really?' I say more than a little surprised. ‘Does Tabitha
know?'
Mark laughs. ‘Maybe, maybe not. Who gives a shit?'

He puts the spliff in his mouth and holds a lighter beneath it, sucking hard. Mark pulls the spliff away from his mouth and exhales, offering it to me.

‘I don't know if I should?' I look nervously towards the door.

‘Don't worry about Tabs, her bark is much worse than her bite you know?' I open my eyes wide in disbelief. ‘Now come on,' Mark continues. ‘Just a couple of tokes and you'll feel okay again.'

I take the spliff from his outstretched hand and put it to my mouth. ‘Shouldn't do it all the time though mind,' Mark says waving his finger at me. ‘But every now and again is fine.'

And it is fine, mighty fine. My knotted body is unravelling and for the first time in a long time I feel calm.

Mark and I talk loads – shit mostly. I tell him about Joe and my broken heart and about how much I want to play for Mia tomorrow but also how much I don't. I've had enough of death. Mark tells me about Tabitha. About what he sees in her that others don't – that she is actually very kind and very loving (yeah, right!). Her biggest downfall is just that she loves to bloody gossip. We both agree love is a strange thing, whoever it was you happened to love.

My cares of the last few months are drifting up and away when the door to the shed house abruptly swings opens. A fake tanned Tabitha stands in the doorway, fluorescent pink manicured nails of both hands resting on both hips. She looks like thunder.

‘Mark, what the hell are you doing?' she screeches.

Me and Mark both look at each other and burst out laughing.

‘Fuck off Tabitha,' we both say at the same time, both looking rather surprised at each other. Tabitha hovers for a moment – her face still like thunder – tapping one of her claws on her bony hip before pirouetting back out of the door.

Mark
takes another long drag from the spliff. ‘Oh well,' he says, blowing the smoke from a corner of his mouth. ‘I definitely won't be getting a shag tonight.'

We both laugh again and continue talking crap when the door bangs open once more. It's Tabitha again, balancing a plate of fancy looking sandwiches in one hand and a baby monitor in the other. She places the sandwiches down gently on the expensive looking glass table that matches the expensive looking chairs, then snatches the spliff from Mark's hand taking a long, hard drag herself. Tabitha hands the spliff back to me and that's the first and last drag she takes. She does sit with us though for a bit longer. She dominates the conversation but I don't actually mind coz she's bigging up Mum, telling me what a wonderful person she is and not a gossipy bitch like herself. It's a side of Tabitha I've never seen before and it's nice, really nice.

After about ten minutes Tabitha gets up to leave – the snuffly baby noises on the baby monitor seem to concern her. She tells Mark not to be too long and she tells me to look after myself and she hopes Mum wakes up soon.

‘Oh, and if you ever want your hair doing,' she adds. ‘I'll give you a discount.' She puts one hand on her hip and cocks her head to the side to look at me. ‘Your hair is not actually too bad but god, that sister of yours, she'd look so much better as a blonde.'

And with that Tabitha disappears.

I've had to grow up so fast these past months. I think of Ruby, of Dad and Joe – I think of Tabitha. I realise people never stop surprising you.

Chapter 43

ACCEPTANCE OF THE INEVITABLE

CASSIE

It's funny how life changes. And despite every effort not to accept those changes – no matter how hard we fight them – before we know it they've become part of everyday life. It's been six months now since Mum was admitted to hospital. Studying at college, going to work and visiting Mum are just part of my usual routine. I know almost everyone at the hospital by name, including the doctors and nurses and even the cleaning staff.