1995 - The UnDutchables (12 page)

With this in mind, it makes you wonder why the stuff is so popular.

The method of drinking Dutch coffee is an art in itself:

1. Check that all the necessary components are present: cup of piping hot coffee; dwarf-sized spoon or stirring stick; condensed or powdered milk; and sugar.
   
2. Support cup in one hand. If a saucer is provided, do not hold the cup, but grip the saucer as if it were a frisbee about to be thrown.
   
3. Add milk to cup to colour (optional).
   
4. Add sugar to cup to taste (optional).
   
5. Stir continuously until cool enough to drink. If you use sugar cubes, pound the lump until dissolved, then stir vigorously for the remainder of the cooling period. If you added milk and/or granulated sugar, alternate between clockwise and counterclockwise stirring. If you drink your coffee black, stir however you choose. The important thing is to stare hypnotically into the cup while you stir.
   
6. Remove stirring implement from cup. Tap wet end 2-4 times on the rim of the cup. This indicates to your colleagues that you have completed the stirring phase and are about to enter the drinking phase.
   
7. Return stirring implement to cup.
   
8. Hold cup with fingers and thumb diametrically opposed. (If a saucer is present, do not use the hand holding the frisbee.) If the cup has a handle, insert middle two fingers through the handle. Extend index finger upwards and across the cup to clamp the stirring implement against the far end of the cup. This is important as it prevents the thing from entering your nose in step 9.
   
9. Raise cup to mouth and slurp loudly while drinking. After first slurp, announce ‘
   lekkere koffie, hoor!
   ’
   

The Dutch possess a proven respect for religion. Traditionally, the country is divided between the Catholic and Protestant faiths (reference books are contradictory about the exact ratio; apparently even the Dutch can’t agree upon what they are). Whatever the divide, it is modified to roughly 100:1 for the customary sport of POPE-BASHING.

The origins of this appear to be the archaic policies of the Vatican in respect to contraception, abortion, divorce, clerical celibacy and acceptance of homosexuality, not to mention, of course, women’s ordination (
Vrouwen
priests)-in short, fucking and females.

Irrespective of centuries of papal politics and policies, the blame for everything is placed firmly on the shoulders of Pope John Paul II.

It all came to a head in May 1985 when Public Enemy N° 1 visited Holland as part of his altar-stop tour. The warm welcome provided by the Netherlands consisted mainly of street riots, demonstrations, protest pop songs (‘Popie Jopie’ was the best-selling record), satirical comedy in schools and on national television, etc. The regiment of slogan writers originated such absolute gems as
POPE GO ROME; PAUS RAUS
(get out, Pope!);
PAUS ROT OP!
(piss-off, Pope!); and…

The following Sunday, the Dutch were back in their Catholic churches, praising the Lord. No large queues were evident at the confession boxes.

There was no apparent shame or embarrassment. No one, Royalty or commoner, condemned the rioting, and Prime Minister Lubbers reflected, ‘
The Pope came here as a man higher than others. That is not The Dutch way
.’

Birthday parties begin around 8 pm and are held at the home of the birthday boy/girl (
jarige
). Be sure to bring flowers and a gift if you want to be invited again.

The event somewhat resembles an open house. After entering, you will be ushered into the living room which, for the occasion, will resemble a doctor’s waiting room, with chairs arranged in a circle. On them will be seated an array of relatives interspersed with the odd friend and neighbour. The relatives will welcome you to what at first appears to be a group therapy session, with all the appeal thereof.

The welcoming ceremony consists of walking around the room and shaking hands with each person. For some unknown reason, the relatives will extend their congratulations to you, the guest—then mutter their name unintelligibly. Normal etiquette allows for this so that should you have the opportunity to enter into forced conversation with the person later on, you can always reopen the chat by asking for the name again.

Just when you feel you cannot put on another false smile, the tension will be alleviated by the entrance of coffee and cake. You should now join in with the echoed expressions of ecstasy, enthusiastically exclaiming to no one in particular, ‘
Lekker!
’

The atmosphere generally loosens up a little between cups, and people may rave about the lovely birthday gifts on display, about a course they are taking or about a recently acquired bargain. During this enlightening and captivating conversation, you will have ample opportunity to compile your next day’s shopping list.

Coffee and cake consumed, round two invariably commences with beer or soft drinks, a few savouries and more conversation. This is your cue to evacuate your chair and socialize further afield. You can always retreat to the toilet or bring a premature end to a conversation that’s become too overwhelming by spilling the remains of your coffee, beer or soft drink.

At some point, the conversation will be broken off for a round of ‘
Happy Birthday
’ (in English) and/or the unfortunate Dutch equivalent which appears to be entitled ‘
In de gloria’, ‘Lang zal Hij leven
’ or ‘
Verjaars-lied
.’ (The absence of an official title for the song illustrates the national shame and embarrassment at such idiotic lyrics.) The singing is followed by a number of ‘hip hip hurrah’s’ as everyone appears to be having the time of their life.

When you feel the evening has reached its climax, or else any time between 10 and 11:30 pm, you may mark your departure by moving around the room once more to shake each person’s hand again, mumbling goodbye and flashing your smile yet again.

CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE.

Queen’s official birthday. This is celebrated 30 April (birthday of her mother) when there is some chance of dry weather, since the ruling monarch’s true birthday is in January when the weather is guaranteed to be inclement. Many cities turn into a large flea market for the occasion. The Dutch save up their old junk and try desperately to sell it on this day. There are infinite street stalls, selling all types of food and beverage, spread throughout the town centre. The crowds are as unbearable as the overpopulated bars. There are flower parades, jazz and rock ‘n roll bands, magicians, school marching bands and other unforgettable forms of entertainment.

Two Christmases. On 21
st
November, the Dutch Santa Claus (
Sinterklaas
) travels from Spain to Amsterdam by ship. After clearing customs (parking fines, excess toys, etc.), he is often greeted by the Queen before stocking-up with drugs. Santa has a white beard, wears a long red robe and tall red/gold hat and carries a golden crook. He is attended by his black manservant Black Peter (
Zwarte Piet
), provided the former can prove that Peter is not his slave, and the latter can provide evidence that his presence is only temporary and dependent upon Santa’s acceptance.

Traditionally, the Dutch celebrate Christmas (
Kerstmis
) on 5
th
December and again on Christmas Day/boxing day. There are two Christmases in order to split the material one (gifts) from the spiritual.

Gifts are exchanged on the 5
th
in celebration of the birthday of
Sint Nicolaas
. At night, children place their shoes by the Fireplace. The shoes are filled with surprises from Santa during the night, which partly explains why Netherlander have such big feet. Another tradition consists of ‘creating’ and exchanging prank gifts. Each of these presents is accompanied by a silly poem (the more embarrassing the better) about the recipient. The ‘giver’ understandably strives to remain anonymous.

Alas, there is strong evidence that the Dutch dual Christmas is on the decline. An increasing number of households are integrating the two events into one big bash on 25
th
December (how original). The obvious financial advantage of this merger is subtly disguised as a child-friendly manoeuvre to protect against ‘Sint-stress.’ It is claimed that the ranks of Dutch
Wunderkind
suffer stress and trauma due to over-excitement and anticipation of the Santa experience. Just how this stress is relieved by a 20-day delay is not abundantly clear.

New Year’s Eve. As this is the only time fireworks are allowed, it must follow that the Dutch New Year’s Eve lasts from 15 December to 15 February. Or do they celebrate Blitzkrieg during this period? Your first experience of New Year’s Eve in Holland may give the distinct impression that the country has gone to war. It is dangerous to walk about town after 10 pm as the cloggies love to throw exploding firecrackers at passers-by. This form of entertainment continues throughout the night. Bars and restaurants close at 8 pm and open again around 11 pm or midnight. Public transport stops at around 8 pm.

Liberation Day. Traditionally, Liberation Day celebrates the freeing of the country from its Teutonic military oppressors in 1945. Official celebrations have since been reduced to a bash every five years due to prohibitive costs. In actual fact, the
Reichsmark
has been replaced by the
Deutschmark
, soldiers have become tourists, and once again Wagner is more popular than…

National Windmill Day. National Windmill Day is not observed nationally. Of all the areas that do observe it, most do so in May. Presumably, most of the ‘most’ have windmills.

BIKES, DIKES, FLAGS & FAGS

What wounds one’s feelings in Holland is the perpetual consciousness that the country has no business being there at all. You see it all below the level of the water, soppy, hideous and artificial
.

—Matthew Arnold, 1859

This chapter focuses on some traditional and contemporary things for which the Dutch have received a measure of global recognition. The list is understandably short and is headed by the tourist money-spinners: windmills and tulips—both of which occur and recur in other chapters of this work. Here we include BIKES (in honour of Dutch perseverance with the infernal machines); DIKES (those all-important irrigation features, without which this book would be a collection of blank pages); royalty and patriotism (those ancient traditions that the Dutch simultaneously love and hate, typified by the practice of flying FLAGS at every slightest excuse); and homosexuals (coloquially referred to as FAGS in English-speaking countries).

There are more than 15 million of them in Holland, and more than 600,000 of them in Amsterdam alone. They are multiplying at the rate of about 15% annually. Whether this only counts roadworthy vehicles or includes the mangled, decimated lumps of rusty no-wheelers chained to bridges and lampposts throughout the city is unclear. What is clear, however, is that the Dutch are SO fond of them that about 85% of the population BUY them, and some 4,500 miles (10,000 km) of dedicated paths honour them. They come in various shapes, sizes and vintage—irrespective of which, they are all dearly loved and respected. There is a thriving black market industry in them, and facilities for spares and repairs are almost as plentiful as dog
shit
on the pavements.

They are called
fiets
(pl,
fietsen
), probably because that’s what powers them. Their drivers are Kings/Queens of the Road (Queen Juliana would ride one to the local street market) whose wanton disregard for other road-users encourages them to careen from kerb to kerb, up to four abreast.

Public buildings, parking facilities and public service vehicles are all designed with the two-wheeled wonders in mind. Most major roads (except highways) include a personal lane for them. Whenever and wherever possible, this lane is a separate thoroughfare, complete with its own road signs and traffic lights.

1. HAND-KNITTED (OR PLO-STYLE) SCARF
   
2. STIRRUP PUMP (NOT TO BE LEFT ON BIKE)
   
3. PLASTIC CARRIER BAG (SUPERMARKET OR BOOKSHOP ISSUE). MAY ALSO BE CARRIED ON HANDLEBARS
   
4. TYPICAL CARGO
   
5. PASSENGER SEATING/FREIGHT COMPARTMENTS -MAX. LOAD 250 LB (112 KG)
   
6. SIZE 10 EMERGENCY BRAKING SYSTEM (2-CHANNEL)
   
7. ANTI-THEFT DEVICE. MAY ALSO BE WORN AROUND NECK, OR WRAPPED AROUND SADDLE SUPPORT, IF PREFERRED
   
8. DYNAMO-DRIVEN HEADLIGHT (PREFERABLY DENTED) -SHOULD NOT WORK
   
9. BUNCH OF DUTCHNESS
   
10. COLLECTION OF ‘BUTTONS’ WITH TOPICAL MOTIFS (PEACE, LOVE, ANTI-NUCLEAR NONSENSE, ETC.)