1995 - The UnDutchables (18 page)

…
A coat hanger with a pair of clogs hanging from it? An outline of Rangitoto Island with a windmill on top?

Flower fascination is not forsaken abroad. Lowland-leavers lavish love upon their favourite bulbs and bushes in every corner of the world. When they leave Holland, they are absolutely delighted to find themselves surrounded by relatively enormous garden plots (and usually more sunshine) in which they can grow an abundance of flowers -or even better, fields of wildflowers—thereby saving on florist bills. In an inherently efficient manner, many take their cultivation-cunning with them and frequently engage the flying dutchman in entrepreneurial and lucrative greenhouse and nursery ventures. Those who are fortunate enough to own and operate their own retail outlets subtly hint at the source of their super blooms, as demonstrated below.

The Dutch have been highly successful in farming. Not only are their farms very productive, but their flexibility and ability to migrate have also added to their earnings. For example, they have been known to purchase large areas of fertile land, convert them into profitable agricultural regions and later sell the whole thing for a ‘small’ fortune as prime real estate.

Further fundamentals include
koffie, gezellig
-ness and thriftiness (to the point of continually coveting
koekjes
). One of the first things to be perused is the quality of the local coffee. If it is undrinkably weak and tasteless (as opposed to customarily weak and tasteless), then
koffie
will be placed on the lifeline supply list. (Other essential items include
dropjes, erwtensoep
and
jenever
gin.)

They have anchored their architecture wherever possible throughout history. Their famous gables, drawbridges and windmills are often found where they have reigned or prospered. Large and luscious
landhuizen
(manor houses, plantation homes) of old are the subject of renovation around the globe. In more recent times, quaint shopping streets with storybook facades as well as windmill restaurants and souvenir shops have been built or restored as major tourist attractions.

Perhaps the most important ingredient that kept early immigrants united and determined to succeed against all odds was their religious conviction(s). With the passing of time (and with a few classic exceptions, such as some Dutch Reformed Church/Calvinist elements), most of the devout religious communities have since disappeared.

Complaint and criticism prevail, albeit in a diluted form (gone is the thirst for protests and demonstrations). Dutch immigrants criticize life in their host country, comparing it to their wonderful
Nederland
. Things perceived as being better than in Holland are not generally acknowledged in the new land, but are held in reserve for the next visit home. This is necessary as their absence will have prevented them from keeping abreast of current complain-able topics. Thus the only way to maintain a homecoming conversation is to neutralize the nonsense by bragging about their wise move abroad, the relative cost of things (necessary to prevent alienation), the freedom from governmental regulations and the abundance of space.

Somewhere along the path, some of
The Right Stuff
becomes
The Wrong Stuff
. The main victim appears to be The Bicycle, which is tragically disowned in the most stressful and traumatic parting ever experienced by a
cloggy
. The Bicycle as a protected species, having survived the perilous journey to foreign lands, cannot cohabitate with cultures which do not understand the necessity for the
fietspad
, riders’ rights or Bike hospitals⁄hostels. Ironically, the final blow to the devices is served by the immigrants themselves who put the contraptions to shed because of the reasons they deserted their homeland:

• DISTANCES—having escaped the cramped conditions in Holland’s towns and cities, there is now too much space to contemplate cycling everywhere over heretofore unheard-of distances.
  
• CLIMATE—favourite lands to adopt typically enjoy hot summers and/or violent winters.
  Cloggy
  pedal power soon exhausts itself under these generally uncomfortable conditions.
  
• TERRAIN—the addition of a vertical component to the landscape (mountains and valleys) introduces rugged, steep roads and generally unfriendly conditions.
  

Another casualty is language, unless both parents make a concerted effort to speak Dutch at home. This is rarely the case.

The Dutch colonized part of the East and West Indies for about three centuries. In general, their behaviour was much the same as that of other colonizing nations—a general plundering of land and people. The attitude, however, was coloured by their Calvinistic heritage:

• On the one hand, they would not allow extreme poverty, hardship or cruel rituals to persist.
  
• On the other hand, they kept themselves remote and somewhat aloof from the entirely different mentality of the colonized populations.
  

Indonesia…

Great difficulties in the Dutch East Indies were caused by Netherlandic ambivalence towards the old Indonesian rulers who were allowed to continue to reign, but under strict Dutch regulations. The East Indies were a source of great wealth and aided Holland during the economic crisis in the 1930’s. World War II and the Japanese occupation contributed to the cultural chaos in the region’s post-war period. Holland experienced untold problems in reasserting authority. A premature independence came to Indonesia in the late 1940’s, causing a forced mass migration of not only the true Dutch but also some 500,000 Eurasians whose only sin was that of their parents’ desires.

Nowadays Dutch involvement in the country is reversed. They are generally short-term residents involved with aid/agricultural projects, etc., and of a generation who feel a certain guilt over their forefathers’ activities.

They are in their element as far as creature comforts are concerned. The local coffee and tea are
lekker
, cheap and abundant. Many of the older houses are typically old-Dutch style, and the popularity of the local food (at far less than Dutch prices) goes without saying. Typically, the Indonesian language is mastered in no time, even for the lesser-educated Hollanders whose pre-arrival skills tend to be limited to the vital
bami goreng, loempia
and
sate
.

Many of the Netherlander are perceived by others as ‘
the typically loony/aging hippy types and not the highly sophisticated types
.’Whatever type they may be, they throw themselves into the community and seem to love every minute of it. This Indonesian immersion applies to those who elect to remain on a permanent basis to such an extent that they almost stop being Dutch. However, offspring are commonly cursed with pressures to develop the forceful personality of the true
cloggy
.

The biggest threat to this Utopia of theirs is The Hague’s refusal to stop interfering in its ex-colony’s affairs. In 1992, the Dutch Government overtly criticized atrocities by the Indonesian army. This angered President Suharto who then announced that his country would like to be rid of the
HFL
350 million of annual aid.

Netherlands Antilles &Aruba…

The Kingdom of the Netherlands consists of three parts: Holland, Aruba and the 4-1/2 islands of the Netherlands Antilles (Curacao, Bonaire, Saba, St. Eustatius and 0.5 x St. Maarten). Hollanders grabbed the Antilles in the 17
th
century. They had found their tropical paradise:

• lack of size (islands range from 5-180 sq. miles)
  
• abundance of water
  
• lack of elevation (only one proper hill, plus one volcanic rock).
  IT WAS PERFECT.
  

In true European style, they then spent the next century or so spoiling it. At first came the ‘gingerbread houses,’ slave huts, drawbridges, canals, ports and prostitution. Later, the need for lego-roads (and yellow DAF-like buses to destroy them), banks, road roundabouts with traffic lights,
Sinterklaas & Zwarte Piet, Koninginnedag
, lotto and topless sunbathing beaches was satisfied. The official language is Dutch, the local currency is the (Netherlands Antilles) guilder, and hotel/restaurant food is bland and boring. The result is a tropical home-from-home which can act as a tax haven for the rich and an exotic Caribbean Holland-like getaway for the rest. All of this, of course, has been achieved by reprogramming the native population.

The Antilles strongly depend upon Netherlandness for their survival and prosperity. The practice of Hollanders to use Antillean services for acquiring driving licences (see Chapter 13) is but one example. Basically, the motherland is only involved with finances from an aloof distance.

The tourist industry preys heavily on the
cloggy
connection. Thus, top priority is given to renovating, decorating and constructing traditional quaint structures. All the basic souvenirs—delftware, wooden shoes and lewd T-shirts -are on sale, in addition to the local island goodies. Resident Dutch merchants readily admit that they prefer American tourists to their own kind since, ‘
A tourist tends to buy the same overall amount of souvenirs during a visit, whether spending one week or one month on the islands
.’ And with their generous holiday allowance, the Hollanders spend a minimum of three weeks on the island(s) and tend not to buy souvenirs imported from Holland, whereas Americans do so in excess.

To the Dutch residents, island life is at times reminiscent of village life back home. On the glamorous side, life can be cosy and secure with a fixed daily routine, favourite hang-outs, familiar faces,
koffie uurtjes
, visits to the local baker, etc. But with the mentality of a small village come the usual problems of nosy neighbours, false friendliness, excessive envy and gossip. Add the element of foreign territory and you get the usual boasting (‘
my pool’, ‘my housemaid’, ‘my suntan
’) and complaining (‘
too hot’, ‘too many insects ‘, ‘too primitive
’). The compulsory clique who miss everything about Holland take no comfort in the fact that the local supermarket imports most traditional tasty treats.

The never-say-no mind-set of the natives is a truly trying experience with which the straightforward Hollander has to come to terms. Antilleans and Arubans consider it polite and proper to say ‘yes’ (and thus make impossible promises) and rude to say ‘no.’ Merge this with the regional
manana
mentality of being late by several hours, days or weeks for appointments or whatever, and it is enough to make any self-respecting Netherlander high-tail it home to show off his tan in the civilized world of chapters 2 through 18.

Suriname…

Originally sighted by one of Columbus’ crew, Suriname came under Dutch control in 1667. It officially became a Dutch colony the same year when the English gave up their claims to it as a consolation prize for the Dutch loss of the state of Mew York, then Mew Amsterdam (see ‘Mew World Netherlanders,’ this chapter).

Suriname was, and is, Holland’s answer to North America’s Deep South—a territory where white entrepreneurs used African slave labour to cultivate specialized crops (one of the most important here being coffee). The set-up was Calvinistically correct, provided slaves were not sold to Iberian customers. (Such a trade would have exposed the merchandise to ‘
the abuses and perils of popery
.’)

For years the Netherlanders secretly cultivated coffee in Suriname. They took great care to prevent Brazil (known in part as ‘New Holland’ until the Dutch were expelled) from acquiring any beans. The whole enterprise foundered when a Brazilian espionage mission managed to smuggle THE BEAN out of the country. This broke the Dutch monopoly and gave rise to the Brazilian coffee empire. The Surinamese economy crumbled further when slavery was abolished.

Suriname remained a Dutch colony until 1954 when it became a self-governing state within the Kingdom of the Netherlands. In 1975, it became the independent Republic of Suriname. At this time, large numbers of Surinamese immigrated to the Netherlands, causing a shortage of skilled labour. This is cited as a reason to frequently ask for financial help from Holland.

Cruelties on the side of an absolute military regime in the early 1980’s led the Dutch to stop financial aid, and the country economically went to shambles (again). The political situation has improved somewhat, but the Netherlands Government still has doubts about granting financial aid to a third-world country whose natives basically behave the way they were taught. The Surinamese understandably use the word
patata
(potato) to refer to their ex-masters.

The native population is around 350,000 while there are around 200,000 Surinamese in Holland. Tourism in Suriname is almost non-existent. It comes as no surprise that the country is not a favourite location for contemporary
cloggies
, except for those with family or business ties -and the adventurous types. The situation is basically a disaster as far as the modern-day Dutchman is concerned.

Contrary to popular belief, South Africa was never a Dutch colony or territory. Holland first infiltrated the region in 1652 to establish supply routes and rest stations. In order to break away from English colonizers, the Dutch explored the unsettled northeast where they founded the independent republics of Transvaal and the Orange Free State. They considered themselves
Afrikaners
. The final severance of bloodline bonds came when Holland declined to support them in the Boer wars.

The Afrikaans language developed from 17
th
-century Dutch. The first Dutch settlers spoke country dialects and often wrote phonetically. Many
cloggies
consider Afrikaans to be a form of pidgin Dutch or a mere dialect. In 1925, Afrikaans replaced Dutch as one of the country’s two official languages—English being the second—and remains the native language of much of South Africa to this day.

As time and politics progressed, the region came to define two distinct breeds of Dutch extract: