2 Unhitched (3 page)

Dearest Gallant~

It was so wonderful to see you yesterday. You mean so much to me. You always have. Thank you for being there for me.

Forever~ Aurora

Forever Aurora!
The letter shakes in my hands as a burning sensation rips through my heart. I’m going to puke.

The fairy tale is over.

My Prince is having an affair!

Chapter 3

“T
HIS IS BAD. VERY BAD,” says Elz, after reading the letter. She adjusts her bejeweled spectacles. She has a pair in every color.

“It doesn’t mean he’s having an affair,” says Winnie, brushing back her mane of flaming red hair.

Elz and Winnie are my two best friends. We met while doing rehab at Faraway. Elz, short for Elzmerelda, was one of Cinderella’s evil stepsisters, and Winnie, short for Winifred, was the overweight witch who tried to eat her children, Hansel and Gretel. Like me, they’ve both come a long way.

We’re having an emergency girlfriend meeting at Sparkles, our favorite hangout at The Trove. I’m stunned by Winnie’s reaction. Almost hurt.

Always the eternal optimist, Winnie believes that everything in life happens for a reason. That it’s meant to be.

Well, if Gallant’s affair is meant to be, then it’s over for us. Kaput!
Finis!
As they say in French.

“I’m going to get divorced!” I cry out. “
Unhitched!”

Elz bawls. “But you and Gallant were so lovey-dovey together!” She takes off her spectacles and wipes her watering eyes.

“Stop it!” snaps Winnie. “Both of you are jumping to conclusions.”

“What exactly should I do?” I yell at my know-it-all friend.

A server, dressed in a colorful jester suit, sets a platter of fanciful cupcakes on our table.

Winnie reaches for a chocolate frosted cupcake. “You need to investigate and find out what’s really going on.”

Here I am, shaking with the damning evidence in my hand… and she’s eating cupcakes and telling me to investigate?

“Fine.” I stab the word at her. What I should do is track down this Aurora slut and put an end to her sorry life.

Elz brightens. “I can help you with your investigation,” she says in her singsong voice.

“You know Aurora?” I ask, my eyes wide with curiosity. Whoever the hell she is, she’d better watch out. They didn’t use to call me The Evil Queen for nothing.

Elz puts her glasses back on and points a knowing index finger at me. “I bet she’s the Aurora who owns Aurora’s Secret.”

That lingerie store for royal sluts where my wicked mother used to buy her sleazy corsets and undergarments?

“She’s a self-made millionaire,” Elz adds, clearly proud that she can be so helpful. “Although coming from royalty must have helped.”

Of course. Gallant wants to be kept by a wealthy princess so that he doesn’t have to depend on his parents to support his painting career.

“What does she look like?” I ask brashly.

“I’ve never met her, but I’ve heard she’s beautiful.”

Every muscle in my body tenses up. Jealousy gnaws at me like a rat at a slab of cheese.

“She’s also known as Sleeping Beauty.”

“Sleeps-Around Beauty is more like it.” I can’t help myself.

Winnie shoots me a dirty look. Elz, paying no attention to her, continues spewing information. Keep it coming. I want to know everything about her.

“I’ve heard she’s very good in business.”

“Probably in bed too.”

Winnie shoots me another harsh look and slams her cupcake on the table. “Stop it! You need to get proof.”

I’m growing impatient with Winnie. Almost furious. She’s my BFF. She’s supposed to be compassionate and supportive. Helping me bring down this Sleeping-with-My-Prince Beauty.

“Well, I’m taking Jane’s side,” says Elz, chomping into a sparkly pink frosted cupcake. “I’m telling all my customers to boycott Aurora’s Secret.”

Winnie rolls her eyes and goes back to her cupcake. She licks the frosting and smiles with satisfaction.

Finally, I bite into one too. Usually, the first taste of the rich creamy frosting makes everything seem a lot better. Not today.

What good fortune that Shrink, my Faraway therapist, decided she wanted to spend more time with her twin sister, Tinkerbell, and opened a satellite office in Lalaland soon after I married Gallant. Despite being “cured” of my addiction to beauty, I still need her help. Why? Let me put it this way. I meditate. I burn candles. I drink tea.
And I still want to poison people.

Like Aurora.

The timing for my weekly appointment couldn’t have been better. Shrink will help me deal with my shocking discovery. She’ll know what to do.

As usual, she’s late. I squirm restlessly on the worn velvet chaise lounge she brought along from her office at Faraway. I’ve been on this chaise so many times you can see the outline of my body.

My emotions seesaw between extreme sadness and extreme anger. How could Gallant do this to me? When Shrink finally flies in like a streak of lightning, leaving a trail of fairy dust in her wake, I’m tipped on the side of anger.

“Jane, I would like to continue our discussion about having children,” she begins, always one to get right to the heart of the matter.

I grit my teeth. And then I smirk. HA! I don’t have to deal with the baby issue ever again. The pros and cons don’t matter anymore. My “maternal ambivalence,” as Shrink calls it, is a non-issue. My mind is made up. There’s no way I’m conceiving a child with a man who’s betrayed me and broken my heart.

“There is no discussion,” I say curtly.

“Can you elaborate?” Her tiny winged-body hovers over my face. She gazes at me intensely.

“It’s quite simple. Gallant is having an affair.” The tears I’ve been holding back roll down my cheeks.

“And how do you know this?”

“I found a note. A love letter from another woman.”

I dig into my purse and hand her Aurora’s note. She slides the spectacles that are sitting atop her head over her face and scans it.

“Ah, Princess Aurora. Sleeping Beauty,” she says, pushing the glasses back up.

“You know her?” My moist eyes grow wide.

“I treated her once for insomnia. After sleeping so much, she was afraid to go to sleep.” Shrink hastily cups a tiny hand over her mouth. “Pretend you didn’t hear that. It’s privileged doctor-patient information.”

Whatever! It just figures that Gallant would go after another beautiful princess with a sleeping disorder. First, Snow White. And now Aurora. Or maybe it’s the other way around. It doesn’t really matter. An affair is an affair.

“Gallant no longer loves me!” My own words come at me like a rush of flaming arrows. I start sobbing uncontrollably. God, how many tears have I shed on this chaise? Probably enough to make an ocean.

Shrink hands me a hankie from a large bin. I blow my nose loudly and take a deep breath. My sobbing subsides a little.

“How could he do this to me?” I sniffle. “I love him so much.”

“You’re jumping to conclusions,” says Shrink, echoing Winnie’s words.

I’m an emotional wreck. Is that all she can say? I know what I need to do and focus on getting out the words as fast as I can. Before another tsunami of tears hits me.

“I’m going to leave him!”

Shrink looks at me as if she didn’t hear a word I said. I want to squish her between my hands and turn her into pixie pâté.

“Jane, that’s a very premature decision. All you have is a hypothesis. You have to prove he’s having an affair.”

I hate it when she gets all scientific on me. “How do I do that?”

“You have to investigate and find more evidence.”

I’m beginning to wonder if she and Winnie are in cahoots.

“Do you think I should ask Gallant about the letter?”

Shrink ponders. Her tiny wings flutter at the blinding speed of a hummingbird’s. “My suggestion is that you don’t do anything extreme,” she says at last.

Is she suggesting that I might actually resort to evil? Like poison the bitch? My mind races. I could use a banana this time. I’ll bite off one end and show her how yummy it is. Then she’ll wrap her adulterous lips around the other end—the one I’ve dipped in poison—and bye-bye.

And there’s this… I can suffocate her with one of those skanky corsets she sells. I’ll pull the strings so tight, she’ll turn blue in the face and take her last breath. Gallant won’t be undoing them again! I smile wickedly. The possibilities are endless.

“What are you thinking?” asks Shrink, bringing me back into the moment.

The chime from the wall clock sounds. It signals that our time is up. Thankfully, I don’t have to share my evil thoughts with her.

“Jane. I’ll see you here at our next session.”

She zooms out of her office, covering me in a cloud of fairy dust. As I peel myself off the chaise, her advice seeps into my brain. I hate to admit it. She and Winnie are right. I
do
need to prove that Gallant is having an affair.

I take a deep breath and am fortified. No more wasting time! I know exactly where to start.

Chapter 4

L
ALALAND PRINCESSES LIVE FOR THREE things: 1. Marrying a prince; 2. Shopping; and 3. Knowing the latest gossip. Trust me, if you read about it in the
Fairytale Tattler
, it’s true and already yesterday’s news.

There’s no better place for finding out the latest gossip—even before it hits the
Fairytale Tattler
—than the steam room at The Enchanted Spa. That’s where my wicked mother leaked the news to me about her surprise wedding with Gallant. Which led me to writing that “Forever Jane” love letter and ultimately stopping their marriage. How different my life would have turned out had I not ventured into this steam room. Maybe for the better—with a faithful, loving partner. There I go again jumping to conclusions!
Stop it, Jane.
Stop it!
I tell myself as I change into a fluffy white robe. I need to gather more evidence. If Gallant really is seeing Aurora, chances are I’ll hear about it shortly.

When I step into the steamy spa room, my eyes are immediately drawn to the hazy outline of two chatty towel-clad women seated next to each other. They’re skinny. Very skinny. Obviously, princesses. The steam obscures their faces, and I don’t recognize their voices. Usually, I would sit far away from them and ignore them. Today, I plop down right next to them. I’m all ears.