3 Sides to a Circle (15 page)

She waves her hand. “Yeah. But this could be before. It’ll be like a good luck dinner for Honor and happy early Thanksgiving all in one.”

“Can I say no? Will you take a no at all on this one?”

“Of course not. You’ve barely left campus. You need an adventure.”

I don’t. I’ve had plenty of adventure in the last six weeks. But she’s right. I haven’t left campus. Not even with them. It’s stupid. I should be able to push past that night. I can’t live my life like this. But I feel helpless to it. Like
really, all I have is right now, this moment, and I don’t want to be anywhere but inside these four walls.

“Libby…”

“You’re coming. And you need to call Honor and get her to come too.”

I blink. “I need to call Honor?”

“Yes. She’ll listen to you. She’s probably still prickly at me about the whole no clothes thing. But I know you can smooth it over and get her to come.”

I shake my head. “I’m not calling her.”

Her eyes widen and suddenly, she blinking away tears. Tears that came out of nowhere. “Please, Toby. I need this.”

I
pull her toward me and brush my fingertips over her damp eyelashes. “Why?”

She doesn’t answer, just steps closer to me. I wrap my arms around her because I don’t know what else to do with a crying Libby. “Please, Toby.”

I nod. “Okay. I’ll talk to her. But not tonight. Let her cool off for a bit. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

She squeezes
me too tight and then releases, and suddenly smiling Libby is back. “You’re the best friend a girl could have. Seriously. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”

Honor doesn’t come home that night. Not
that I totally expected her to, but I did stay up way past the time Libby drifted off, pretending to read.

Around eleven,
I ended up texting my brothers and then going into the lounge to play Xbox online with them. It was actually sort of perfect and mind-numbing and made it feel as if they were in the room next to me instead of several states away.

“Dude, you’ve
gotta see what Dad’s done to the car. He’s completely rebuilt the engine.”

My dad tinkers when he can’t sleep. And cars are his
thing. Not in a gear head kind of way, but more in a way that he solves car problems like other people do crossword puzzles. The more messed up an engine, the more fun it is for him to fix.

“Yeah. I can’t wait to come home,” I tell my brothers and the truth is, I mean it. I need the stable boredom of home. I need to remember why I wanted to go away to college. I need to remember that life isn’t just about hanging out with two girls and trying to get excited about three and a half more years of business classes.

I sneak back up to the room way after midnight. I almost sleep in my own room, but then I peek in and see Libby clutching pillows all around her as if she’s searching for the comfort of touch. And a part of me wants desperately to always be the guy that she reaches for in the middle of the night. So I slide in next to her, take her hand, and fall into a deep sleep.

Both Libby and I sleep
late the next morning and miss breakfast hours so end up at the coffeehouse, grabbing espressos before our first class.

“Do you think she slept
at Sawyer’s?” I finally ask. Libby’s been strangely quiet for the past half hour, and I can’t figure out if it’s the lack of caffeine or if she’s as worried as I am about Honor.

She raises a shoulde
r. “It was just trying on a dress. I can’t believe it’s that big a deal.”

I shake my head. “She didn’t tell him I was staying with you guys. It was more than that.”

“Well, that’s not my problem.”

I’m about to call her on this when Honor pushes her way into the
coffeehouse. She bites her bottom lip and honestly looks like crap. Crap for Honor, at least. Libby shifts between her feet, mumbles something about the bathroom, and takes off. Coward.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Where’d Libby go?” She tries to push her hair off her face, but now that it’s down, there’s just too much.

“Bathroom. But really, she feels bad about things and doesn’t know how to say sorry so she’s leaving it to me.”

Honor grins, a tiny half smile on the left side of her face. “Classy.”

I shrug. “Libby.”

Honor orders and the two of us stand awkwardly for too long. “So, is everything okay with Sawyer?”

She looks past me for a second, then turns to her
tea and carefully adds about a half shake of sugar from a tiny packet. When her gaze returns to me, she’s wearing a mask. “Yep. He let me crash there last night. It’s fine. You can tell Libby we’re all good. I’ll see her later.”

She starts to walk away, but I grab her arm. I want to shake the mask from her face. I want to know what’s going on with us. I want to know we’re okay. Because it doesn’t feel like it
, and I don’t have it in me not to have things with them okay right now. They’re my lifeline, the only thing even keeping me at school at this point.

I open my mouth to say all this, but it’s too much. I could say it to Libby, but Honor is different. She’s been so cautious around me since the attack. Like she can see through me. Not in that o
bvious way that Libby can, but through to the real me that can barely walk across campus without having a panic attack. Like my sisters, only so much worse. And there it is right there. Another piece of the puzzle of the two girls. Honor’s not my sister, but she feels more like it—at least when she’s wearing clothes.

“Libby wants to do a thing to
morrow night. Please come. It’s stupid, but she’s excited about it. I think she’s sort of convinced herself it’s for you. You know, in the way Libby would.”

Honor lets out a strange bitter laugh. “Yeah. I know. So what is it?”

I shake my head and take off my glasses. Spare pair. The first ones were destroyed by the baseball bat. “She wants us to collect golf balls. To sell them. Apparently used golf balls sell well. Who the hell knows? She wants to be able to go out for a nice dinner. Before your audition or whatever…”

“Golf balls?
In the winter? Is she serious?”

Bef
ore I can answer, Libby bounces up to us. “Pretty please, Honor. I promise you won’t regret it. It will be awesome, and we’ll go to the bistro and we can all order dessert and not feel bad about it. And it’ll be just the three of us. Please…”

With the second please, I know she’s got her. Honor can’t say no to Libby any easier than I can. And even though the cautious mask is still in place, I think we’re going to
be okay.

Honor

Libby is a whirlwind and a lit
tle child all at once. I’m half-infuriated that I’m agreeing to this stupid golf ball scheme. At the same time I remember the fear but also the partial high of the bookstore, and I want to feel like the three of us are okay.

Sawyer
let me be quiet last night and then let me rant as I paced, making all my craziness okay. But when I settled in next to him, I couldn’t sleep knowing Toby was probably stunned. I’m sure he had to deal with a crying Libby because as high as her ups are, she drops fast. It was maybe not fair for me to force him to deal with that, but Libby wasn’t fair to me either. It’s just that Toby got stuck with the bad end of the deal.

Libby’s arms come around me from the side.
“See you later.”

Right
, she has class and might actually go.

I want to not speak. To show her a
gain that she crossed lines last night. My arms remain at my sides, and I don’t speak.

Libby’s body wriggles like a puppy, closing in for warmth. “I think you’re probably the best friend I ever had,” she whispers.

And it caves me enough that I plant a kiss on the top of her head, all resolve weakening away, and even though I said I’d join them before, now I actually mean it. “See you later.”

She pulls away like a spring of smiles and purple hair,
wagging her brows. “I’m out!” she hollers, and the baristas give her a shout, making me wonder if Sawyer plays along when he’s at work.

I sit across from Toby as
she disappears in a purple blur, and I trace the bottom edges of my empty cup.

“How was she last night?” I chew the inside of my lip
, waiting for an answer.

“She was angry and then cried a little.”

I glance at Toby who’s staring at the table. “You know I felt almost bad leaving you in there with her.”

His clear eyes meet mine. “It was fine.”

“Do you…” I’m so worried he’s going to take this wrong, and maybe he should because maybe I don’t know how I mean it, and I don’t know how I feel about Toby outside of our threesome. I’m just not this close to people, but I’m close to them, and he’s a guy and I still don’t know what to do with that. How to categorize him.

“Do I what?”

“Do you
like
her?” I swallow hard as I consider the many ramifications of his answer, and I’m about to tell him not to say anything when he clears his throat.

“I have no idea.”

“I like you enough that it’s awkward for Sawyer,” I say it so fast the words kind of tumble over each other. “But I like Sawyer. A lot. I’m crap at this. I’ve just never had a guy that’s a friend, so I’m… I don’t even know what.”

He’s too still. So still that when he moves his leg, I swear it jolts the air between us.

“I’m moving out. I mean, if you’re back to watch Libby. I’ll be back across the hall.” He speaks in these short bursts, and humiliation washes through me because it’s his way of saying he doesn’t like me that way, which is good. Way better. But still doesn’t help me categorize who he is to me. Or maybe it does since having more than friendship obviously doesn’t feel right to either of us. At the same time, he still feels like something more than just friend.

“I’ll be back for the golf course outing
apparently.” I stare out the window for a moment, letting the silence settle between us and become comfortable again.

“Libby said that you’re selling yourself short with the modeling thing.”
His words are mumbled, like he doesn’t want to say this, but can’t help himself because if he said it, he probably thinks it too.

And that’s maybe the reason that I’ve held myself back to this point. I don’t want people judging for me for a choice of profession, or that I’m lucky enough for it to even be an option.
“I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to do it or not.” I take in a deep breath. “I want people to know me. To like me for me. That’s why I don’t say anything about what I might want to do.”

“Anyone should like you for you.” His eyes hit mine, and then his cheeks are red, and he’s fiddling
with the straps on his backpack.

“Taking off?” I ask.

Toby nods and then sighs. “It’ll all work out.”

Maybe.

Before I can answer, Toby gives me a small wave and darts out of the coffeehouse.

As I think about how he left, I’
m hoping there’s no weirdness between Toby and me because Libby would pick up on it in a second.

Sawyer’s arms tighten around my stomach, pressing my back more firmly against his chest—classic spoon, and I’m melting into it. His
lips trail up the side of my neck, and I giggle as he hits a ticklish spot under my ear, making him pause.

“I thought you invited me here for a quick nap because you know I didn’t sleep last night,” I tease.

“You can sleep,” he whispers. “I just don’t know if I want to stop touching you.”

“That’s
romantic.” I roll my eyes, but I’m amazed that after I babbled for half the night last night, and then drooled on his pillow for the rest of it, that he still wants me around.

His hand
slides up the front of my shirt and rests on my stomach, but the silence between us thickens, and the mood changes from teasing. I turn my head and take his lips with mine as he brushes his fingers over my stomach again, tracing a line at the top of my jeans, and then up to just under my bra, spreading goose bumps over my skin. I’m not nervous about where his hands are going to go next, because I suddenly want them everywhere. His fingers continue to trace over my stomach and my body continues to react, arching toward him, wanting him closer.

I roll over to face him, and we’re in this bubble of want and newness and perfection. Last night was about friendship with a few small kisses as he tried to help me drift off. This moment is going to be about how much we care about going slow before going all the way.

His hands smooth over my skin, reaching to my back and bringing us together. I press my forehead to his and lightly touch his lips with my tongue, which earns me the deepest kiss I’ve ever had. Sawyer’s hand slides across the back of my thigh bringing my leg over his side, and I’m thinking moving slowly like we said we should do last night is about to be tossed. I can’t stop kissing him, and it’s sloppy, but my brain is fuzzing out with how close we are.