31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) (15 page)

‘I’ll stay away because I hate what I’m doing to
you. I never wanted to make you keep crying over me, to cause you pain.’

‘I … know … that,’ I managed to let out between
gasps for air that rattled my ribs.

‘Other than sex where there ever any happy moments
with me?’ he asked quietly.

‘You’re stupid … as well as … stubborn, cocky and
… arrogant,’ I sniffed.

‘I’m going to miss that quick mouth of yours. I’m
going to miss
you
, so much you’ll never know,’ he sighed as he kissed my
hair. I wriggled out of his grasp and he hissed as he looked at my tear soaked
face and obviously puffy eyes.

‘Please,’ I moaned. I couldn’t take anymore. If he
was leaving I needed him gone. He clasped my face and dipped his head, leaving
millimetres between our lips.

‘One final kiss, don’t deny me,’ he whispered. I
trembled as he stepped closer, pinning me to the wall as he took my mouth for
the last time. Slowly, tenderly and leisurely. I flung my arms around his neck
and responded. This was why I could never see him again. I was powerless when
he touched me. I couldn’t go through this rollercoaster of ups and downs ever
again. I wanted easy, I
needed
easy after Matt, then Zac and now Dan. In
fact I needed to be alone. Hopefully one day I wouldn’t think of him every
waking hour. He broke away leaving me dazed when we heard a cough.

‘I’m so sorry Sir, but if we don’t leave now
they’ll have to refile flight plans and you won’t make it for the meeting in
the morning.’

‘I’ll be right there James, start the engine will
you.’

‘Certainly, Sir.’

‘I have to go,’ Dan sighed, as James walked away.

‘You really do,’ I nodded. I let go of him, but
reached up and touched his lips. ‘I really loved you, Oliver Daniel Davenport.’

‘Fuck, Ellie.
Now
you say my real name?’ he
groaned, as he caught my hand and kissed it. I forced a smile as I drank in his
features one last time. It seemed perverse that he was leaving me for good
while I was still warm inside from his semen filling me only minutes before.

‘You said you wanted to make me happy?’ I asked,
as our fingers tangled around each other’s, stroking and squeezing, reluctant
to let go.

‘I do.’

‘Then walk away and never come back. Don’t contact
me ever again, I can’t go through this with you one more time. I hope you find the
courage to let her go, forgive yourself and find someone to love. You’re a
special man and you deserve to be happy and loved.’

‘So do you, Miss Baxter.’ He kissed my fingers
again and gently released my hand and took a deep shaky breath before stepping
outside. He kept his eyes on mine as I slowly started to close the door until
he disappeared and I flicked the deadbolt down, just in case he did have a key
and tried to come in again after me. I jumped as I heard a loud thump on the
door, followed by another, then another and his voice yelling ‘Fuck, fuck,
FUCK.’

I stumbled over to the dining table and lowered
myself into a chair, feeling stunned and numb. My eyes were drawn to the small
package he’d set down, which I picked up and opened. How my body could produce
more tears I had no idea, but it did when I pulled out the tiny silver puffed
heart charm, part of the range of my “Ellie” bracelet that Dan had given me for
Christmas, that I never took off. I took out the typed card inside the box.

I wanted you to know that I really, really do
too. Now you own my heart Miss Baxter, forever. Keep it close to yours and take
care of it as it’s fragile x

I really, really do too? What was he trying to
say? What did I really, really do that he agreed with? And what the hell was
this heart supposed to signify? Was he trying to tell me that he’d fallen in
love with me too? If so why hadn’t he just said that to me himself? Why
wouldn’t he express those words? Most of all why wouldn’t he let go of the past
and free himself to possibly make a future with me? I lay my head down on my
forearms and sobbed. Much as I wanted to run after him, for more answers, to
see if he really did love me, it wouldn’t make a difference. While I’d never be
happy coming second place to his wife, I could probably learn to live with
that. What I couldn’t live with was knowing that he’d never want a child with
me. That was a deal breaker for me. I’d already started looking into in vitro fertilisation
before I went up to Scotland, so when I was in a better frame of mind, that
would be my next step. I had to let Dan go and somehow try and get over him so
I could move on with my life. If he didn’t want my love, I knew that a child
would and I’d make my son or daughter the top priority in my life. Even if it
wasn’t born from two people’s close emotional bond, like I’d dreamed of. I
turned on the radio to break the noise of my tears and sighed as Paloma Faith
started singing what was in my heart.

I tell myself it don’t mean a thing

And what we got, got no hold on me,

But when you’re not there,

I just crumble.

I tell myself I don’t care that much,

But I feel like I’d die till I feel your touch.

Only love

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must have been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this.

Said I wouldn’t care if you walked away,

But every time you’re there, I’m begging you to stay

And when you come close, I just tremble.

And every time, every time you go

It’s like a knife that cuts right to my soul.

Only love

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must have been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this.

Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burn into my skin

Only love can hurt like this.

But it’s the sweetest pain

Burning hot through my veins

Love is torture, makes me more sure.

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must have been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this.

Save me, save me

Only love, only love

‘Cause only love can hurt like this

And it must have been a deadly kiss.

Thursday 10
^th
July ~ Year One

Dan

I ordered more coffee to
be delivered to my cabin, as well as another ice pack. I’d barely slept all
night and it wasn’t the pain in my damn bruised knuckles that had kept me
awake, it was the look on her face as she’d closed the door. The pain in my bloody
chest as she’d shut me out matched the levels she was obviously feeling. I’d
have to pay to have the front door touched up, as I’d chipped off some of the
paint when I’d punched it in anger and fucked up my right hand, again. Why the hell
couldn’t I just tell her that I was in love with her? I told her I’d give her
everything she ever wanted and I couldn’t even say three damn little words. I’d
asked Stuart my PA to get me that heart before I headed up to Scotland to see
her, his reaction to that request still amused me. I had every intention of
telling her and then giving her the box, but every time I went to say it I
froze. There’d only been one occasion when I told someone I loved them in the
romantic sense. Rebecca. Seconds before she died in my damn arms. I’d sworn to
myself that I’d never get that attached to anyone again. No one was going to
ever penetrate my heart and cause me pain like that again. Ellie had fucked
that up royally. When I’d accepted that Christmas booking from a mystery
beautiful blonde, with an amazing smile who made my cock jerk I’d known I was
in trouble, even more so when she walked out of the arrivals gate as I stood
waiting for her. I’d just not realised how much trouble she’d give me. I
wondered if I associated death with the words “I love you.” Maybe that’s why I
couldn’t tell her. I rubbed my eyes and called my mother, it was time I sorted
myself out. Losing Ellie was a wake-up call.

‘Oliver, carino. How did it go? Did you win her
back?’

‘Yes, and then I managed to make her run away
again.’

‘Oliver,’ she sighed. ‘
Why?
Why, why, why?’

‘She’s not sure she can handle the whole situation
with Moira and she wants … she wants children.’

‘Well Moira may not be an easy fix emotionally,
but you do know deep down what you should do. You need to let her go so you can
move on with your life. She’s holding you back.’

‘You all say that as if it’s bloody easy,’ I
snapped. I was so irritated with people’s lack of understanding of what
switching off that life support machine would mean. I’d be
killing
her.

‘I’m sure it won’t be easy, but you’re letting one
mistake rule the rest of your life. Do you really love this Ellie?’

‘Mother,’ I sighed as I rubbed my face again. I
needed my caffeine, pronto. I was tired and seriously irritable.

‘You don’t need to answer. I already know you do.
You were so alive on Saturday night knowing you were going to be seeing her
again. The joy was painted all over your face, it was in your eyes and your
smile. I want to see you like this every day, no mother wants her son to suffer
the way you do. And I make no bones of the fact that I long to be a
grandmother.’

‘I
won’t
put her at risk.’ I wasn’t about
to see another women I loved suffer during child birth, nor to risk losing one
or both of them again. It would break me.

‘Millions of women around the world give birth
safely, darling. You’ve had a tragic run of bad luck in your life, but you have
money at your disposal now. You can pay for the best specialists, have a team
monitor her throughout her pregnancy watching for any warning signs. Just like you
pay for the team to look after Moira. You can minimise that risk.’

‘I can’t lose her.’

‘It seems you’ve lost her already,’ she observed.
Christ her and Ellie were two peas in the same bloody pod. It was like they
shared a brain or something, trying to use the same logic on me. Reasonable
bloody logic, but I wasn’t ready to be swayed. Thank God Ellie didn’t know
Portuguese. Actually I had no idea if she knew any languages. ‘What are you
going to do about it? Give up? The Oliver I raised isn’t a quitter.’

‘I’m Oliver Davenport, not Oliver Queen.’

‘Who’s Oliver Queen?’

‘A superhero who faces adversity on a weekly basis,
but I’m not sure I’d look good in green leathers,’ I advised, trying to lighten
the mood.

‘I didn’t think you watched television.’

‘As a general rule no I don’t, but I watch that on
my iPad. I guess I feel some affinity to a guy who has to hide his true
identity and struggles with the choices from his past.’

‘So what can I do to help? You rang me for a
reason,’ she prompted firmly.

‘It’s been pointed out, by the three women in my
life, that maybe I’m holding back because of losing Rebecca and Moira and my
children. I wondered if your therapist would take me on?’

‘Really? Louvado seja Deus!’ she muttered
excitedly.

‘Praise the lord indeed,’ I replied with an amused
roll of my eyes.

‘Finally. For how long have I been asking you to
seek help?’

‘Are you just going to gloat or can I have his
number?’

‘I shall send it to you as soon as we put the
phone down. I’m so happy, carino. You must not let this Ellie slip through your
fingers. Love is rarely found and when it is, we must grasp it with both hands
and never let go.’

‘Are we done with the sermon Vicar Luiza, or can I
go and have some coffee and breakfast before I kick some arse in the Bay area?’

‘You’re in San Francisco?’ she exclaimed, surprise
evident in her voice and I screwed up my face. A rant was possibly imminent.

‘Landing shortly.’

‘I told you I wanted to come next time you went,’
she moaned.

‘Sorry, it was a last minute thing and I needed
some time alone to clear my head. If you can send me his number I’d appreciate
it. Send my best to father and Magda and I’ll come and see you when I get
back.’

‘When will that be? I’ll make your favourite meal
for you,’ she offered. She
was
taking it easy on me.

‘
You
don’t eat, let alone cook. Magda will
cook my favourite meal for me,’ I laughed. A remnant from her modelling career,
mother had the appetite of a midge. Logan would lecture her on healthy eating
every time he came around, but with her natural Brazilian curves, even though
she ate miniscule portions, she still had an amazing figure. I immediately
closed my eyes and drew in a slow breath at the thought of Ellie’s body.

‘Semantics, darling.’

‘All being well I’ll be back in London on Saturday
morning,’ I advised.

‘You can talk to me anytime, day or night. I just
want you to be happy.’

‘I know you do and I’m sorry if I cause you any
heartache. I’ll call you later, ok?’

‘Love you, carino.’

‘You too,’ I smiled as I pressed to end the call.
I lay back on the bed and pinched the top of my nose. Therapy might be too late
to save whatever my relationship with Ellie was, but now I knew that I had the
capacity to feel for someone else, I needed to get sorted if I ever stood a
chance of winning her back. I took a shower, masturbated again to the thought
of Ellie lying beneath me naked on that dining table, then shaved and dressed
in one of my three piece suits Stuart had delivered from my office wardrobe to
the plane. Stress didn’t usually affect my appetite in the slightest, so I made
short work of my breakfast and a whole pot of coffee before we landed. My
American chauffeur Jordan was waiting for me and whisked me straight to my lab
in Silicon Valley. I tried to take calming breaths. I was angry inside. Angry
at Ellie for walking away from me, angry at myself for being so damn stubborn
and letting her, and angry at my chief programmer who’d fucked up two years of
research on a software platform that could rival Apple’s. If I didn’t try and
control my feelings, someone was likely to get fired. Maybe playing hardball
might alleviate my mood and give me back some damn control. I
hated
being
out of control.

Ellie

I sat in the board meeting rapping my pen on my
note pad, wearing a pair of green tinted glasses. I looked like crap. I felt
like crap. Everything was crap. This was a thousand times worse than when I’d
caught Zac cheating. I’d ended up dry sobbing in bed all night, my body simply
couldn’t produce any more tears. I’d taken a load of painkillers for my
headache and was desperately trying to rehydrate, as well as concentrate.

‘Ellie, how’s the publishing deal with Mimi Sky
doing?’

‘Great, the team have drawn up contracts, she’s
coming in with her agent to review them tomorrow. I’m taking them to Fifteen
for lunch to celebrate after.’

‘Fifteen?’ Jack one of the other Junior Partners
raised his eyebrows. ‘Have you had approval for an expensive place like that?’

‘This book’s going to be a best seller Jack and
Fifteen is on the authorised list for deals with this level of offer. Maybe if
you spent more time cultivating
your
clients and coaxing a best seller
out of them, instead of online gambling, you’d have been aware of that fact,’ I
retorted with a glare, then straightened up as I realised I was letting my mood
affect my work. I was surprised to hear the Captain let out a belly roar of
laughter.

‘Well said, Miss Baxter. You’ve actually pre-empted
one of the unannounced items on my agenda, targets for the year. At present
only Ellie and Mike are exceeding theirs, which will have an impact on your
bonuses at year end. Unless you fancy them taking your share of the pot as
well, may I suggest you pull your socks up and get working harder. Any other
business?’

‘Not from me,’ I replied with a shake of my head.
There was a chorus of “No’s” in agreement around the room and I tried to keep
the smug smile off my face at Captain’s backing of me against Jack. He hadn’t
exactly been enthused at my promotion, maybe he was worried I’d show him up. He
was right to be, he was a lazy chauvinistic jack-ass and I was determined to
show him I had what it took. I packed up my briefcase and shrugged on my jacket
as I prepared to leave.

‘Ellie, hang back will you, I’d like a word,’ John
called, as he sat on the edge of the boardroom table. I looked at him surprised
and stayed seated as we waited for the last person to leave and close the door
behind them. Surely my performance wasn’t an issue? He’d just stated as much.
‘No need to look so worried, I just wanted to congratulate you on doing such an
amazing job. I’m glad I trusted my gut instincts with you and this partnership
deal.’

‘Thank you, you had me worried for a moment.’

‘I am worried. About you. You don’t seem your
usual cheerful self and tinted glasses tell me that you’re trying to hide
something.’

‘I’m sorry, I just have things on my mind, I
promise it won’t affect my work.’

‘I know it won’t, you’re one of my most diligent
team members, Ellie. As I said I’m worried about
you
, on a personal
level. Is there anything I can do to help?’

‘Unless you’re a trained psychiatrist with a
degree in helping stubborn men, sadly not,’ I smiled.

‘Zac?’ He gave me a troubled look.

‘No, not Zac. I think even his issues are low on
the complex scale compared to my new … sorry slip of the tongue, my ex man.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. What can I do to help? Do
you need more time off?’

‘That’s really kind of you, but I’m fine. Work is
the best option to keep me distracted if that’s ok with you? I’ll remain in the
office today, but work from home tomorrow before taking Mimi for lunch, as long
as my arrangement is still working out for you?’

‘Ellie, you could work from outer Mongolia for all
I care. You’re a damn sight more effective than the rest of the team. I told
you that all I ask is that you’re here for board meetings. If you want to see
clients from home I don’t mind either.’

‘You’re so different,’ I uttered, then put my
hands in front of my mouth horrified.