333 Miles (9 page)

Alex at first resisted the idea and had no
interest in hurting the more vulnerable kids. Even so, he was eager
to fit in at the new school and eventually went along with it.
Wearing white Reebok tennis shoes, blue Gotcha shorts and a white
Seattle Mariners tee shirt, he approached Jessica and followed
through with the first part of the plan toward the end of lunch.
She was, of course, ecstatic.

Over the weekend, Alex began to have even
more serious reservations about the operation, but at this point he
saw no clear way out. Sure enough, on Monday during the morning
recess, once Jessica had bragged sufficiently of her pairing with
Alex, Peter and Alex jointly revealed the actual status of things.
Peter took extra care to reveal just how crazy Jessica must have
been to believe Alex intended to be associated with her. The
humiliation succeeded beyond Peter’s expectations. After recess,
Jessica broke into a crying fit so severe her mother had to be
called in from work to pick her up and take her home. Tiffany was
also visibly upset. Jimmy was simply confused. Billy, who was by
now largely used to such attacks, ignored the spectacle Jessica
caused in class. During the delay, he sat at his desk happily
drawing a frog. The dark green frog was holding a sub-machinegun
and was happily mowing down some children in the distance. Three of
the children were standing and screaming while four of them were
depicted in a prone position, surrounded by growing pools of red
blood.

Alex felt awful about the whole thing and
wished he had never listened to Peter. He wanted to take it all
back, but this was impossible. He refrained from crying until he
was home alone after school.

Chapter Eleven

Breakups

6:08 p.m.

“
Then we’re through. And you’re
fired!”

– Jerry Seinfeld,
Seinfeld

Mike forgot to call shotgun on the way out of
the restaurant, and the seating arrangements remained unchanged
from the first leg of the trip. Alex followed the signs back on to
Highway 15 north toward Barstow. He briefly rolled the windows
down, as the inside of the BMW had become quite hot while they were
inside the restaurant, even though the sun was now hanging low in
the sky. As they pulled onto the freeway a blue Aston Martin flew
by in the fast lane. A plastic-looking hot blonde was sitting in
the front seat. Alex, Mike and Gary were all thinking some
variation of jealous curses directed at the guy driving the car.
Roger didn’t notice and was happily packing a dip in the back seat.
After Roger was done, Alex decided to take one also. He always
found a Kodiak most enjoyable right after a meal, especially a nice
greasy one. He readied the empty In-N-Out cup he had kept for a
spitter and rolled up the windows, satisfied that the air
conditioner was now sufficiently working.

Mike thought about throwing in a dip but
decided against it because it sometimes made him queasy. “That girl
at the In-N-Out really was cute, wasn’t she?” he remarked.

Alex agreed, “Yes, little Tara was quite a
biscuit. You really should have asked for her number.”

Gary switched the topic. “You know what I
have always wanted to do?” he asked rhetorically. No one
acknowledged him, but he provided the answer anyways. “I have
always wanted to fuck a girl wearing one of those Hot Dog on a
Stick uniforms,” he announced decisively.

Roger found this humorous and almost coughed
up a mouthful of chew spit. “Nice, G-Balls. That would be hot. Then
afterwards you could share a corndog and lemonade together.”

Mike did not find any of this amusing. “I am
glad hot dogs excite you morons sexually,” he said.

A thought entered Alex’s mind. His eyebrows
furrowed and he looked to his right toward Gary. “Dude, I just
realized, aren’t most girls who work at Hot Dog on a Stick like
fifteen years old? I think you really might have a problem.”

“Save it,” was the only response he got.

Without thinking, Gary stuck his hand down
his pants and scratched his balls, then remembered something. “Hey
Alex, didn’t you date a chick who worked at one of those
street-side hot dog stands?” he asked.

Alex: “Um, oh yeah. No, no – it was a
one-dollar taco truck. She was a hot little Mexican number. I think
she was the only Mexican chick I have ever been with.”

Mike: “Must be, considering you don’t have
any kids yet.”

Alex: “Very funny, jackass.”

Gary: “Seriously, Alex, you must actually
care sometimes. Have you had any breakups that hurt?”

Alex: “Well the other night I had a dream
that I was double-teaming Kournikova and Sharapova and then I woke
up. That was a pretty painful dose of reality.”

Mike: “Are you sure that wasn’t Roddick and
Federrer?”

No one laughed because it was a stupid
comment. After a ten-second pause Alex began to speak again.
“Seriously though, when Stephanie and I broke up, I was pretty
messed up for a while.”

Mike: “Oh yeah, I remember that. You were
deep into the Jim Beam for a good six months.”

Gary: “Six months isn’t bad. Isn’t the
general rule that it takes half the amount of time you go out to
recover? You guys went out for almost two years, right?”

Alex: “Yeah, just over two. She was a good
one.”

Gary: “I forget. Why did you guys break up,
anyway?”

Alex: “My cock was too big. I kept bottoming
out.”

Gary: “Asshole.”

Alex: “Seriously, I don’t really know what
the problem was. I think it just got to the point where we had to
take the next step and we were both too scared to do it so we just
broke up.”

Mike: “Time to shit or get off the pot.”

Roger: “More like Alex realized he may have
to deal with only one pussy for the rest of his life and ran to the
hills.”

Alex: “No. It really wasn’t like that.”

Gary: “How so?”

Alex: “Well, I don’t know. She was awesome,
but I just don’t know. Something else wasn’t right.”

Gary: “Like what?”

Alex: “I don’t know. One thing I do know is
about two weeks after we broke up she took off to Europe with some
other dude. She said it was just a friend and all, but really, who
goes to Europe with a friend of the opposite sex?”

Gary: “You think she was cheating on
you?”

Alex: “No. Well, I don’t know. Probably, I
guess. It just seemed really weird. I don’t know. I still think
about her sometimes, but I am pretty sure I am better off that it
didn’t work out. It was too soon and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss
out on everything else.”

Mike: “That’s the thing about bitches. They
are all just monkeys. They don’t let go of one branch until they
have a firm grip on another one.”

Notorious B.I.G. took over the conversation
through the speakers and let everyone know,

“
I love it when you call me big
pop-pa

Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true
player

I love it when you call me big pop-pa

To the honies gettin money playin niggaz like
dummies

I love it when you call me big pop-pa

If you got a gun up in your waist please
don't shoot up the place

Cause I see some ladies tonight who should be
havin my baby . . .

Bay-bee”

Roger interrupted the deceased rapper: “Can
we check if the Stanford game is on?”

Alex ignored the request. “In any case, at a
certain point it is usually better to move on anyway,” he said as
he picked a small booger out of his nose with his left hand. He
rolled the booger between his left thumb and forefinger and then
dropped it on the floor between his legs.

Gary: “At some point you are going to need to
quit being such a pussy.”

Alex: “I am a pussy because I like to get
pussy?”

Gary: “Basically, yes. You are just scared to
commit. Don’t get me wrong, I can see the benefits of being single,
but even you admitted something is missing.”

Alex: “You may be right, but, no offense,
being married just seems stupid. I mean, what is the point of
making a legal commitment that doesn’t really change anything
except that you can be fucked out of half of your money? Why can’t
people just commit to each other in their hearts instead of
depending on the government to tell them it is official?”

Mike: “Wow, you really are a romantic.”

Alex: “Seriously though, what are the
benefits?”

Gary: “It is okay. I mean in some ways it is
nice to have the comfort of just knowing that you are with someone
and you will always be connected.”

Mike: “Okay, that is pretty much bullshit.
Almost everyone cheats and you never know when your significant
other will deem you insignificant, regardless of your marital
status.”

Gary: “The statistics say only one in four
married people actually end up cheating.”

Mike: “That is like saying only one in every
million boys will grow up to be in the NBA. It isn’t because they
don’t want to play for the Lakers. It is because they can’t. Did
you ever notice how almost every movie star or athlete ends up
cheating eventually. It is because they can.”

Gary: “So, what, you have to be famous for
someone to want to sleep with you?”

Mike: “No, but it makes it a lot easier. Of
course most people can find someone to have sex with, but it isn’t
going to be anyone good looking so there probably isn’t much
point.”

Gary: “Well, I can’t opine on people’s
hypothetical affairs, but the bottom line is marriage gives you a
permanent stability.”

Mike: “Tell that to the fifty-plus percent of
the people who get divorced.”

Gary: “Yeah, that is a good point. But even
so, if you want a decent chick to commit to you and to have kids
with you, then she needs to have some assurance that you are going
to stick around. Marriage gives her that. All I am saying is from
the girl’s perspective, they can’t take the risk of having some
dude impregnate them and then bail on them and leave them broke
with the kids.”

Alex: “Fair enough, but what about all the
times the dude gets fucked? I think marriage is a relic of a time
when it made more sense. In the old days, the rich people had to
marry to join forces with other families of power to stay on top.
The peasantry couldn’t finance a decent single lifestyle anyway, so
there really was no reason not to get married. Nowadays, it is a
scary proposition. I have seen some awful situations at work. One
of my buddies there, who is only thirty-five but has a huge book,
married his college sweetheart. Really romantic, right? Except when
they were twenty-eight and he was pulling close to a mil a year the
chick realizes she could take half of what he makes and also half
of what they saved. So suddenly this broad, who had not even worked
in a few years, decides she wants to live in Paris and be an
artist. The dude tried to be supportive and got her an apartment in
Paris to do the long distance thing, but of course this was doomed.
After a few months she started fucking the waiter from the corner
café and filed for divorce. Got six hundred grand in cash plus half
of his salary for four years. The dude did nothing wrong.”

Roger: “Sometimes I wish I was a chick. I
wouldn’t mind marrying some dude and sticking it out for a few
years and then just chilling.”

Gary: “Good plan, Rodge. Yeah, look, these
things happen. I am scared all the time that I am going to come
home and find Blair with the gardener, but you can’t let fear
prevent you from moving forward. Sometimes you have to trust.”

Alex: “Yeah, maybe, but this doesn’t seem
smart. Divorce is a big fucking problem that I don’t want to deal
with. It makes people crazy. Another guy from work got in this huge
battle over assets and they got insane. He had some old vintage
Ferrari that was his favorite thing in the world so the chick told
her lawyer to go after the car. Anyway, every cent was fought over
and the chick ended up getting the house, the Ferrari, and some
amount of cash. She even got custody of the dog, one of those
fluffy white Maltese things. So this is where it gets wacky. The
rumor is, and I don’t know for sure if it is true or not, but what
people say, is that the guy kidnapped the dog, took it home and
killed it. Then he barbecued it and ate it with a side of asparagus
and a two-hundred-dollar bottle of Barolo. He hated his wife so
much that he waited until he took a shit, and then shit in a new
Prada bag he had bought for the occasion. He went to her new
apartment and told his ex that she could keep the Ferrari and the
dog and that he even bought her a new bag. Then he presented her
with the Prada with the shit in it.”

Mike: “That’s got to be bullshit, right?”

Alex: “I don’t know. People swear it is true.
The guy is a bit strange so it is possible. All I know for sure is,
marriage is a crazy risk and I still have not figured out what the
reward is.”

Gary: “Whatever, someday you guys will all be
married and you will understand. Maybe one or two of us will get
divorced, maybe not. But however you feel now, there will be a time
when you will not only concede to get married, but you will really
want it. And later, believe it or not, you will realize you have
ended up with something more valuable than money or anything else.
Don’t get me wrong, marriage is more work than your job, but it can
be more rewarding also.”

Mike: “Well, maybe you are right. But until
then, let’s go to Vegas and find some hoes.”

Alex: “Amen.”

Roger: “Amen. Can we check the Stanford
score?”

Chapter Twelve

Barstow

6:25 p.m.

“
Well, all I'm saying is that I want to
look back and say that I did the best I could while I was stuck in
this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this
place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place .
. . Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this
place.”