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She finally ended with, “You hang on to that one, Nikki. I’m telling you. He’s a good one. You keep him, and you keep him happy; and you make sure he keeps you happy. You have a good thing going. I’m sure you don’t want to be here where I am, fighting over home movies and pictures.” Natalie wiped a tear escaping her eye before it started trailing down her cheek.

She was absolutely right. It was another sign I had to get myself straight. I had to fix these problems in my marriage, give it up to my husband more often, find the assertive woman I was before having children, and show him I love him. I was recognizing things in myself I hadn’t seen before. Men are all about solutions; I knew. The solution had to be to tell him my issues, and tell him what I need from him. Figuring what my issues were was the problem. Being in my hometown was one thing. Ex-boyfriend’s wedding, no salt water pool, crooked play house, trees blocking every corner, all added to my heartache. Being back in Colorado was another matter. Soon enough we were going to have to flip our lives and mindsets back to real life. Chris would be working all the time, children and their needs, not connecting together, no sex and no sleep, not connecting with adults, not connecting with myself or the passions I once held dear to my heart like music and painting. I wasn’t sure if I was looking forward to the shot back into reality.

We only had two days left in Virginia with my family, and we had more plans, people to see, and many things still on the to-do list needing to be accomplished. I hated coming home to the depressing sights, the reminders of time marching on. Not only does it leave wrinkles on our faces, but it also wrinkles our childhood memories. But worse than facing the reality that lay at our feet in a beautiful area of the world was only staying for a few days. I hadn’t planned on spending a whole night alone with Chris, so we missed a night with my dad, Nana, and other family. Chris came out of the house with the girls’ overnight bags and started packing the rental car with their things. He gave Natalie a hug, thanked her, and told me if we wanted to spend some time with my dad, we should be heading back to his house. Natalie said Dad would probably order shrimp from Molly’s, and she and the kids would probably join us for dinner. We grabbed our two kids who didn’t want to leave the play set, the slide, or their cousins and headed to Dad’s house.

I was quiet on the way there, and I’m sure the few miles felt longer for me than it did for Chris. There were times he seemed so oblivious to the things around him, and there were times when he was in tune. My challenge was recognizing he couldn’t be in tune all the time. His challenge was knowing when he needed to be and when it didn’t matter so much. This was one of those times we weren’t connecting. Even after the amazing night we had together the night before reconnecting with one another, I wasn’t sure why, but the air just felt uncomfortable. I figured it was simply tension I felt after talking at length with my sister. I knew he didn’t hear all the things my sister said about her failing marriage. I knew he wasn’t privy to all the information about the children and how difficult it was on them moving from home to home, having their things split up, not having everything they own in one place at a time, nor did he feel the pain I felt for my sister and her children. I couldn’t possibly expect him to connect with me at the moment, but I wanted him to just reach out, take my hand, and promise me we wouldn’t be there. I needed him to tell me he loved me and assure me we wouldn’t fail because our ties were strong. He just drove. I stared out at the empty fields, watching a few tractors here and there plow or till the crop. Part of my healing, moving on, and part of my growth as a wife, a mother, and woman was telling the people in my life what I needed. Chris, for some reason, was the only person with which I couldn’t seem to fully accomplish that. His hand was on the gear shift inches from me, and I wanted to reach out and tell him I loved him. I was uncertain as to why I was sad about Will getting married. I wasn’t even sure why we came to his wedding, or why I drove through Virginia and thought only of depressing things. I wanted to tell him I was committed to our lives and our marriage, to our family, but I couldn’t. I just watched the little town go past, wishing Chris would just reach out for me and provide me with comfort and understanding. I wondered if he knew, even if only a little, we might be in trouble, or if I was over thinking, over analyzing, and worrying for nothing as I often did.

When we got back to Dad’s house, I had to put a smile on my face and be the strong wife and mother it seemed everyone expected me to be. I had to believe my life was wonderful because I had this strong and supportive husband who just didn’t know when I simply needed a hug. I got out of the car, and before helping the girls with their things, I stood on the uneven driveway, closed my eyes, inhaled, and felt butterflies in my stomach as I remembered Chris pulling me close to his body earlier. Immediately I felt guilt. He was such a wonderful man. He had shown me how much he did in fact love me when we were alone, and he could focus his attention on me. I just needed to figure out how to get him to dish out those hugs when I needed them. One more quick breath, a small glance at our beautiful daughters, and another small memory entered my mind.

***

Chris and I left the shower after steaming up the small bathroom in the cottage. I had a towel around me and dripped water on the cold tile floor. Chris stepped out of the shower after me and walked up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders. He started to kiss the back of my neck, licking up the water standing on my shoulders. I could feel his body against my lower back. I pressed my backside against him, and he moaned in my ear. Chris was so seldom ready for round two, but the shower episode wasn’t exactly completed for either of us. As he continued to press his body against mine and kiss my neck and shoulders, he reached around and pulled at the towel I had tucked in between my breasts. As the towel dropped, I turned around, placed my hands against his face, and accepted his lips against mine. Our mouths opened, and we both moaned as we stumbled onto the bed. Chris leaned his body against mine again, and we fell together onto the unmade bed. Chris placed his hands down on the bed near my sides, lifted his body up and kissed my breasts. Within a moment, he had his hands on my thighs, pulling my body closer to his own. I arched my back and my neck as he kissed my body, his hands moving to cup my bottom, breaking the tension our bodies had created and causing us both to shudder.

***

As I stood in my father’s driveway thinking of those moments, I felt myself grow excited, with a warm and pleasing sensation approaching my lower body. I stretched up into the air, inhaled again, and grabbed Bella as she started to jump out of the rental minivan. Again, I was reminded how much I needed to figure out what was important; a hug and some nice words, or a great sex life every few months. Then I wondered why I couldn’t have both. At the same time, I realized Chris didn’t communicate at all during sex these days, and communication was just one more thing I needed from him. Goodness, I thought it might be a good thing to keep inside. It’s almost depressing. Focusing back on my family and getting everyone out of the car, I addressed all the issues at hand, the important issues.

“Bella, where is your soft blankie?” I asked. Emily immediately jumped up and told me she had Goon Goon safe and sound. “Great job, Emily. I’m so glad we didn’t accidently leave her at Aunt Natalie’s house.” I took notice the word Aunt came out as
ant
instead of with the letter
u
pronounced like all the people in the area said. Another reminder I didn’t belong there. I had to get back to real life in Colorado.

“Poppy!” My girls yelled for my dad at the same time. “Can we watch Cinderelly on your big TV, Poppy?” Emily was eager for some down time. She wouldn’t admit it, but an afternoon movie really meant naptime for both girls. They cuddled in blankets, ate a small snack, and fell asleep before the cat and mouse chase began in the movie.

***

A few hours later Dad, disappeared and returned with steamed shrimp, french fries, two house salads, and a big greasy paper bag filled with hush puppies from Molly’s. I only ate about four shrimp but lots of hush puppies and a salad. It felt like we’d eaten nothing but seafood the entire trip, but I knew it wasn’t true, since I’d just had steaks with Chris at the cottage. I felt so detached from our time together. My mind had been reeling with thoughts, questions, negativity, and heartache. I knew I was feeling some of Natalie’s sorrow, some of my own insecurities, and something or another from watching Will commit his life to a woman I didn’t know. Or rather, a woman who wasn’t me.

The girls fell asleep on the living room floor cuddled together with their lovies. Chris and I moved them into the room they shared and settled on the couch to watch a movie with Dad after Natalie had taken her kids back home. We talked about our plans for the remaining days in Virginia, and I quickly fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t even make it past the first twenty minutes into the movie.

***

The next two days were a whirlwind of temper tantrums, tourist traps, and Chris and I talking around my family like we were one strong married couple. It all left me wondering if there was ever any substance to any of those conversations. I noticed he never once touched me, hugged me, or kissed me any of those days. For Chris, his moments of showing me love and affection went away once we checked out of the Bed and Breakfast. For me, it felt like his obligation to me, his wife, had ended. I started to lose the positive feeling I had gained after our evening together at the cottage, but I kept reeling myself back and telling myself I was seeing or worrying about something that just wasn’t there. Our marriage was strong, and people could see it. Even if Chris’ hands weren’t all over me every second of the day. That would be too awkward around my family anyway.

Our final day we actually spent a few hours with Will and Rebecca. They had decided not to have a honeymoon away, but instead spend some time at Will’s Deltaville home, his grandfather’s old house in Stingray Bay Hills. Will called my dad’s house looking for me and sounded frantic when I got on the phone.

“Nikki Jay! I’m so happy I caught you.”

“Hey, Will! How’s married life?” My heart sank a bit as I asked the question. “Shouldn’t you and your bride be off on some exotic beach somewhere soaking up the sun and getting drunk?” I asked to lighten my mood a bit. I didn’t want Will to hear my nervousness over the phone.

“Nah, babe, we decided to stay here in Deltaville, at the Bay house and celebrate the quiet life. You know the quiet life. Don’t you? Or do you not have a quiet life in busy Colorado?”

“I live in a fairly small town, Will, and it’s transient enough to feel quiet at times. What’s up? Are you okay?” Again, my nerves were starting to show. What a stupid question it was. Of course, he was okay. He had just married a beautiful woman, and they’d locked themselves in a beach house to make love twenty hours a day until real life called.

“Yea, Nikki, I’m okay. Becca’s okay. Hey, we’d like to see you and Chris and maybe the girls before you leave if you have time to fit us in. Can you fit us in, Nik? Can I see you again before you head back to big, bad, beautiful Colorado?” His tone seemed to change with his last question. He almost seemed too eager, desperate even.

“We leave tomorrow, Will. I guess maybe we can do something tonight if you’d like.” I looked at Chris, almost apologetically. Chris nodded his head, started to roll his eyes, but opted for placing his hands on my shoulders and standing behind me in a manly protective way. “How about if Chris and I come over to your place tonight after we get the girls to bed? I’m sure you’d love to see my beautiful babies. But really, they are tired, and an evening with Pop-Pop would be better for them than rushing them around anymore.”

“Okay, Nikki Jay, we’ll see you tonight. I can’t wait to see you again. Buh-bye.” And Will hung up the phone.

That evening, or afternoon rather because Nana always serves dinner at 4:00pm, my dad, Chris, the girls, and I ate dinner at Nana’s house. It was probably the best evening we’d had since arriving in Virginia. Nana served a spread fit for a king and large enough for a king’s court. She had her famous southern fried chicken, hamburger steaks, macaroni and cheese, three different vegetables, causing Emily to ask what okra was and then give her famous “ewww gross” look, dinner rolls and loaf bread with butter and jelly on the side, just the way my grandfather had always expected it, and ice cream with handmade whipped cream. Nana spent most of the dinner addressing us all by the wrong names and telling us what’s going on with everyone in church. None of us knew anyone she spoke of, but it didn’t stop her from trying to jog our memories with their parents’ names or siblings’ names or who they had married or where they had lived years ago. We still didn’t know who she was talking about, and we were never sure she had the names right anyway, but she sure acted like she was telling of her adventures with the queen, and that’s what made it so much fun. Even Chris laughed and didn’t once correct her when she called him Dan. When I wasn’t laughing and feeling connected and relaxed with my family, I wasted my mind on thoughts of Will.

Nana had always called Will by his name. I was always surprised she never even tried to turn him into a William since he was just Will. Always looking for signs of The Fates working for or against me, I took it as a good sign Nana seemed to know and remember Will’s name every time she spoke to him or about him. I thought she might have been about the only one in my family who actually liked him and approved of us being together. I also thought she was certain I had done something horribly wrong to lose him.

After a fun dinner, clean up filled with laughter, and lots of questions from Emily, our little girls were so sleepy they could barely keep their eyes open, but it was only 6 o’clock. Early dinners make for early sleepers. Dad told us to go on over and meet up with Will and Rebecca while he read books to the girls and got them off to bed. With a long travel day in the morning, we weren’t worried about keeping them awake.