65 Proof (63 page)

Sept 15

Dear Diary,

First day of school! I hope this doesn’t turn into a repeat of last year, when Sue Ellen Derbin and Margaret “Superbitch” Dupont decided to try and kick me off of Pom-Pons. When I think about all those things they said about me it makes me soooo mad! Who cares if my parents never had a lot of money or anything, and so what if I don’t have any stupid designer clothes, I’m still a better person than them. They were so jealous of my blonde hair and blue eyes and my heritage. I hated those phonies soooo much!!! It’s so nice they don’t bother me anymore.

My schedule is English, Algebra, Biology, Lunch, Gym, History, Art, and Music. It’s nice to finally be an eighth grader and get the classes I want. But I still don’t want to be here, and if I ever have kids I’ll let them decide if they want to go school or not. I don’t care if it’s a law, the law stinks and so does school!!!

But it’s not all bad. Robert Collins is in my math class and he’s sooooo cute! He’s got the best butt I’ve ever seen on a thirteen-year-old, and when he smiles with those dimples I sincerely want to die! We got to choose our own seats and I sat next to him. Tomorrow I’ll wear more perfume and see if he notices.

Sept 16

Dear Diary,

Pom-Pon tryouts were today, and I’m Captain of the first squad! With Sue Ellen and Margret Superbitch gone, it was waaaaay too easy. Debbie Baker made squad two leader, and I could tell she was pissed that I beat her out. Tough titties, Deb!!!

But even better than that, Robert commented that he liked my perfume today! I wore a little extra, and while we were doing our problems he wrote me a note that said “Is that you who smells so good?” I almost died, right there in class.

I know I’m going to save that note forever.

Then I did something that was totally unlike me. I asked him if he was still going out with Pam Escher. He said no, Pam was now dating Stu Dorman. It seems Stu dumped Melissa for Pam and Pam dumped poor Robert. I feel bad for him, but not for me. Wouldn’t it be great if he asked me out?

Sept 17

Dear Diary,

HE ASKED ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn’t believe it. We were done checking our homework and he leaned over so his lips were almost touching my ear and asked if I wanted to go out after school! So I skipped Pom-Pon practice and we walked over to Barro’s Pizza and shared a small pepperoni. I didn’t actually eat any, because of my special diet, but he didn’t notice. We talked a lot about school and about how everyone is too concerned about appearance rather than being real and he told me about his family that came from New York and I told him that my family actually came from Scandinavian. He was super intelligent and serious. I never would have guessed he was so smart because he’s so cute. I wonder if he’ll be THE ONE. He’s so cute it would be great if he was.

Sept 18

Dear Diary,

I got in BIG trouble for skipping Pom-Pon practice. Debbie Baker kept sucking up to Mrs. Meaker, saying how I shouldn’t be squad captain if I didn’t show up. The little bitch. Mrs. Meaker didn’t say much, other than I had to make sure I didn’t miss it again.

Robert and I passed notes back and forth during math. Nothing lovey-dovey, just talk because math is sooooo boring. I wish he had the same lunch period as I did. He said he would ask me out again after school but he has football practice. I told him I had Pom-Pons, and maybe we could meet after. He said great. But my practice ran late (practicing Debbie’s stupid new drills) so when I got to Barro’s he wasn’t there. I hope he isn’t mad.

Sept 19

Dear Diary,

Robert looked hurt in Math today, but I wrote him a note in English to explain everything and when he read it he forgave me. He asked me out again after school, and I agreed, even though I would miss another practice. Practicing five times a week is too much, if you ask me. We met at Barro’s and got another pepperoni (which I didn’t eat), and we talked for two hours. I told him all about runestones and Viking mythology and the Heimskringla and he really seemed interested. Then halfway during our talk he reached out and held my hand. I thought I would die!!!!! His hands are so strong and big. Maybe he is THE ONE.

Sept 20

Dear Diary,

WEEKEND!!!!! I’m gonna spent it all in my basement, getting stronger and watching my diet. If you want to be the best, that’s what you have to do.

Sept 22

Dear Diary,

That bitch Debbie got me kicked off as squad one leader!!!!!!!!! I just missed two stupid days! I cried in the bathroom for a half hour. I want to kill her! She talked to Mrs. Meaker and Mrs. Meaker said I wasn’t meeting up to my responsibilities. I hate them both.

Robert waited for me after practice so I had a shoulder to cry on. He even kissed me, but it was only on the cheek. He’s such a doll. He invited me over to his house for dinner, but I lied to him and said my parents already had plans. I couldn’t tell him about the basement. But maybe I will soon.

Sept 23

Dear Diary,

Debbie didn’t come to school today. I wonder why? (Ha!) I asked Mrs. Meaker if I could have my squad leader position back, and she said maybe. She’ll say yes when Debbie misses another practice.

Robert kissed me on the mouth today, for the first time! It was weird and exciting! He even used his tongue!!!!! He’s soooo sophisticated. It was right after practice. He waited for me, and wanted to walk me home. I lied and said my parents didn’t allow visitors. He believed me, and then he leaned over and kissed me. I thought my knees turned to Jell-O. I now know that he is THE ONE.

Sept 24

Dear Diary,

I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’ve decided to show Robert the basement. I invited him over after practice and lied and said my parents weren’t home. I said I’d make dinner. He was impressed that I could cook. I didn’t tell him that I couldn’t.

By the time we got to my place it was already getting dark, and Robert said he should call home and check in. But I told him to look at my basement first, because I had a big surprise.

When I turned on the basement light, the hissing started. Robert asked if it was the furnace, and I giggled. Then I pulled the cover off the cages.

Debbie Baker was tied up in the first one, naked, lying in a smelly puddle of her own piss. She twisted and banged her head on the cage door and looked so funny I had to laugh. Robert just stared.

Then I pulled the tarp off the other cage. Margret “Superbitch” Dupont hissed. Sue Ellen Derbin was crying, like always. Sue Ellen had no arms or legs, and was lying naked on the hay I put down for her, which she messed again. Gross! I had to stop feeding her so much dog food.

Superbitch Margret had one stump of an arm left, severed at the elbow. Both had those awful brown scars where I had to burn them to seal the wound after I cut off a limb. I couldn’t let them bleed to death. That wouldn’t be right.

Robert got really freaked out, and I explained to him they were hissing because I cut out their vocal cords. That way they couldn’t attract attention. He turned around and tried to go up the stairs but I had locked the basement door. I told him I thought he was staying for dinner. That’s how you get strong. By eating your enemies. One piece at a time. That’s what my Viking ancestors did. But the people have to be alive when you eat them, or else you don’t ingest their souls. Their souls are what really made you strong. They made me strong. That’s why I was Pom-Pon captain. And that’s why I was going out with the cutest boy in school.

As I explained this to Robert, he started to yell for help. I tried to tell him not to be scared, because he was THE ONE. THE ONE to share this secret with me. Together we could live forever. It was okay. You didn’t have to eat them all at once. You just do it a little bit at a time. I told him I had already eaten my parents. It took two years before I finished the last of Dad.

But Robert just kept on screaming, and I finally had to hit him over the head to shut him up. I guess he wasn’t THE ONE after all.

I stripped off his clothes and tied him up and used the long scissors to snip his vocal chords. Then I looked over his trim body and decided what I wanted to eat first. I plugged in the electric saw and built a fire in the pit to heat the cauterizing iron.

I didn’t want Robert to bleed to death. That wouldn’t be right. I couldn’t ingest his strength then. And he looks strong enough to be able to feed me for a loooooooooong time.

This is an old one, written in college. I like to joke than in school, I majored in Budweiser. Which may have been the reason I got Cs in my creative writing classes. Out of the hundreds of short stories I wrote in my teens and twenties, only a handful were actually readable. This is one of the readable ones. Barely.

M
y Grandpa is eighty-seven years old, which Mom says is really old but I know that people can live to a hundred because I saw it on T.V. Grandpa is in a wheelchair because he had a stroke, and he can’t move one side of his body even though he tries real hard. Most of the time he’s parked in front of the big window in my Mom and Dad’s room, looking out at the woods in our back yard. We own a lot of the woods, but I’m still not allowed to play there by myself because my Mom says the environment is very different from Chicago, where we used to live, and I might get attacked by a bear. We’ve been here for two months, and I haven’t seen a bear yet. Neither has Grandpa, and he spends all of his time looking out the window, so if anyone would have seen a bear it would have been him.

Grandpa came to live with us a long time ago, when I was a little kid. Right after Grandma died. I don’t remember Grandma because I was too small, but my Mom has pictures of her holding me. He had the stroke a few years ago, and Mom says it made him crazy. Dad says he isn’t crazy, he just likes to kid around sometimes. I really don’t have an opinion because I’m not around him much and he spends all his time in my Mom and Dad’s room, staring out the window. Grandpa says nature is more educational than watching T.V. I think it’s boring.

I don’t have to go to school because it’s summer. My new best friend is Marty Phipps, who lives about half a mile up the dirt road, and I like to play at his house because his mom lets us go in the woods. My old best friend was Vincey Jackson. I liked Vincey more than Marty, but I don’t see Vincey a lot because he lives in Illinois and I’m in Oregon. But Marty is okay. We’re building a tree house and we’re going to start a club, but we won’t let Marty’s younger brother join because he’s too young and just a baby.

I was putting on my shoes to go to Marty’s when Grandpa called me. Grandpa never calls me. If he needs something he calls my mother. So I went to see Grandpa in my Mom and Dad’s room, and he was pointing out the window.

“Do you see him, Joey? Do you see him?”

I looked out the window and saw nothing special. Just the woods.

“Ain’t it magnificent? Ain’t it, Joey?”

Grandpa was kind of smiling, but he couldn’t smile all the way because one side of his face wouldn’t move, so instead it looked creepy.

I shook my head and said I didn’t see anything.

“Well, it’s a bald eagle, son! Circling up there! Plain as day!”

I looked out and didn’t see anything in the sky at all. But maybe Grandpa had better eyesight than me or something, so I said that I saw it, and I left. Grandpa was starting to drool, and Dad says that he can’t help it but I know that only babies drool, and adults shouldn’t, and that makes me feel bad. Then I went to Marty Phipps’ house to play.

The next day, Grandpa called me in again. He was looking out the window with my Dad’s binoculars.

“Come here, Joey. You can see him so close you can count his feathers!”

Grandpa gave me the binoculars and I looked up at the sky and really tried to see the eagle but didn’t see anything at all.

“Do you see him, Joey?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Look at him go!”

Mom told me to be nice to Grandpa because when you have a stroke sometimes you see things that aren’t really there. I once told Marty Phipp and he said there were no eagles around here, and that Grandpa was crazy. I hit him and he started to cry, but we’re friends again now.

I gave Grandpa the binoculars and went over to Marty Phipp’s house so we could draw the plans for our tree house.

The next day Grandpa called me again, and wanted me to look at the eagle. He called me again the next day. And the next day. I never saw an eagle, but once I saw a bunch of ducks flying across the sky. Grandpa said the eagle was higher up than the ducks. I didn’t see it.

One day when Grandpa called me, he was shaking. I thought he wanted me to look at the eagle again, so I said I saw it. But instead Grandpa grabbed my arm and held on tight.

“The knife! The knife, Joey! Biggest knife I ever seen!”

I got scared and yelled for Mom, who tried to calm Grandpa down. But Grandpa kept screaming.

“He was carrying a head! A head! The knife!”

Mom pulled me away from Grandpa and called the doctor, and two men came and took Grandpa and my mom away in an ambulance. I was over at Marty Phipp’s house. He said again that my Grandpa was crazy and I hit him again and we got in a fight but Mrs. Phipp stopped us and we made Rice Crispy treats. I stayed the night at Marty’s, and I had bad dreams about Grandpa grabbing me and not letting go.