A Baby on Her Christmas List (14 page)

She heard her name.

She heard ‘pregnant’.

She heard, ‘Yes, I’ll do it.’

Then he stood stock-still.

Something was wrong. Numbness crept through her. The only things she could feel were the fast, unsteady beat of her heart and the clench of her fists around the shopping bag handles.

Something was wrong but, unlike her house, or the garden or the zillion things that had broken over the last few years, Liam wasn’t going to fix this.

* * *

Liam snapped the phone into his pocket and turned to face her, already understanding that she’d heard a little and assumed a lot. Things were careering out of control in every direction he turned. ‘I’m sorry. Again.’ It was inadequate, he knew, but it was heartfelt.

‘So you keep saying. What for? Being late for lunch or agreeing to whatever it was you just agreed to?’ Her eyes were dark, her cheeks hollowed. She knew him too well, Liam realised. He couldn’t hide things from her. ‘What did they want? No...more to the point, when are you leaving? Where are you going?’

‘Sudan. Tonight.’

‘They need you, right? There’s no one else? Absolutely no one else? Tell me they were desperate. You had no choice?’

The pause he gave was too long. Long enough for her to read between the lines. They’d sort of asked and he’d sort of offered. And, yes, there were others who could have gone. He’d just fast-tracked himself to the top of the list.

Things between them had got so complicated so quickly, he was thrashing around trying to make sense of it. But he couldn’t.

Yes, he loved waking up with her. Yes, he loved spending time with her. Too much. It was all too much and he was starting to want things, to feel things he shouldn’t about the baby and about her. He was supposed to have kept his emotions out of all this and yet here they were washing through him. Guilt. Panic. Adoration. Need.
Fear
.

And taking that risk was a step too far. He needed to get his head straight. To have time to think. Sudan was the perfect place. It wouldn’t be for ever, but it might just be enough to get things in order again, so he could be rational and stop these gut-wrenching emotions messing with his head. ‘Well...’

He could hardly look at her, but he had to face her anger.

Which was swift and fierce and almost tangible. He could see her starting to close down.

She shook her head and strode past him. ‘Okay. So you’ve made your decision. I have to go to work. I’m going to be late.’

Liam followed her down Queen Street towards her clinic, trying to keep up. The way she’d looked at him he could have sworn she’d wanted him to say something more. Something profound. But he wouldn’t lie to her, let her think one thing, believe something—
want
something—that he wasn’t sure he could give. Hell, she was hearts and flowers all the way and he was, in comparison, a lost cause. He shouldn’t have let things get to this point. ‘For a woman who’s seven months pregnant you can sure keep a good pace.’

‘That’s because I’m in a hurry. My clinic’s due to start and you’re making me late for
my
job. You’re not the only one with a strong work ethic.’ She was in front of him now, grumping over her shoulder. And watching her stalk ahead, all proud and indignant, made him want her more. Which gave him every reason why he should get that damn flight.

‘Georgie, we need to talk about this.’

‘Really? You think?’ She stopped outside the clinic. ‘When you’ve already made your decision? You jumped at the chance. No hesitation. I didn’t see much talking going on between us.’

He followed her up the stairs and into a meeting room. He closed the door and went to sit opposite her across a table. The table was too big, the room too sterile.

Her words echoed off the walls. ‘And you don’t know for how long. You never do. It could be months.’

‘Look, it’ll be okay. Everything will be fine. The deck’s almost finished, the garden just needs some final touches. Don’t do anything until I get back.’

Those lifeless eyes regained a spark that flamed. ‘So this is your idea of being in it for ever? A lifetime commitment, and this is what you’re promising? You won’t be here geographically—and I can probably handle that. A lot of mothers have to deal with that. But...oh, this is unfair. I’m being unfair.’ She stood up. ‘I knew this all along, but—’

‘What? Say it... Say what you’re thinking.’ He reached across for her hand, but she pulled it away. She was closing down. ‘Talk to me, Georgie.’

‘What’s the point?’

‘It’s what we do. Talking.’

‘Not, it appears, about the important things. Not when it matters. You should have discussed it with me first.
We
should have decided.’ She took a deep breath and huffed it out. ‘You say you’re committed, that you want to work as a team, as a co-parent, but the moment they call, you jump.
You
choose. You can say no. You can stay here. There is a get-out clause. I do know.’

It was important that he remain calm and let her anger bounce off him. ‘It’s my job, Georgie. I’ve been home for a long time.’
Home
. That thought made Liam’s stomach clench— it was the first time he’d thought of anywhere as home. Georgie’s home. His heart swelled in pride at what they’d achieved at her house, but simultaneously he felt as if it was being slashed into pieces. ‘This will be the last time. I’ll make sure I resign completely after this.’

‘I’m sure that’s what they all say, and I’m sure they mean it too. Besides, I know why you do it, month after month, serving your penance to Lauren. I get that. I wouldn’t ask you to give it up. But now? Right now? When you have a choice and you chose them. You chose them. Unbelievable.’ She began to pace the room, glancing every few seconds at the clock. Which ticked away the minutes sonorously, ominously, like a sentinel counting down.

She stopped walking. Her hands gripped the back of a chair. There was a small hole in the dark grey fabric, the edges frayed. She seemed to stare at it as she spoke. ‘So you told them? About the baby?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you might not be here for the birth?’

‘They said they’d try to make it happen.’ The ache that had started in his throat seeped into his chest, getting more raw and more real.

Distance. That’s what they needed, then they’d be able to think and talk and act rationally, without the sideshow of pumping hearts and that long aching need. He needed to feel about her and the baby the way he felt about everyone else, not infused with some sort of mind-melding, heart-softening drug. That way he would be able to make good decisions, act responsibly.

He walked to the window and looked out at the street below. It had started to rain. Heavy clouds spewed thick drops over the passers-by below.

Finally, she came to him and made eye contact. But it wasn’t what he wanted to see. All affection had gone, all excitement and hopefulness.

Somewhere along the way all his emotions had got locked up with her. Every day started and ended with thoughts of Georgie. As he turned to the window he caught sight of a stack of magazines and remembered the online dating article. She was hoping for something more.

She wanted a declaration, he supposed. Something that told her how he felt about her, about this. But he didn’t know what to say. Couldn’t express the chaos, couldn’t see through those clouds, only that his heart felt raw at the prospect of not being here. Of letting her down. But it wasn’t fair to make her believe a lie.

Her voice was cold. ‘And they’re going to try? Is that what we’ve got to look forward to? You trying?’

‘Surely that’s better than me not trying? I’ll call when I get there. I’ll call as often as I can. I’m sorry it’s not going to work out exactly to plan.’

‘We didn’t have a plan, Liam. That’s just the problem. We just pretended everything would be fine, and it’s not. It won’t be.’ She shook her head, her ponytail bobbing from side to side. She looked so young. And so cross. So magnificently annoyed. ‘I won’t hold my breath about the calls. I know what those satellite phones are like. You’ve never managed it before.’

It had never mattered so much before.

She was distancing herself from him, he could see. She was systematically putting space from her emotions, he recognised it because he’d done it himself so many times—but she never had.

When she looked back at him her resolve seemed clear. The emotions were settled, she was cold and distant. Things had irrevocably changed—including the emotions whirling in his chest like some sort of dark storm cloud, whipping away the oxygen and leaving nothing in its place. An empty chasm that hurt so hard.

He was going to help those who didn’t have the wherewithal to help themselves. But, bone deep, he knew he was going because he couldn’t not. Because facing other people’s truths was always easier than facing up to his own. ‘They need me there.’

‘And we need you here.’

He looked over at the shopping bags she’d dropped on the floor. ‘You bought decorations?’

‘Suddenly I’m not feeling very festive. You’re not going to be here.’

‘I doubt it.’ And that was all his fault. She’d been looking forward to spending Christmas together and he’d ruined it.

He turned to face her as hurt and pain whipped across his heart.

Her arms hugged across her chest. Her eyebrows rose as she infused her voice with a brightness she clearly didn’t feel. ‘So go. Save some lives. Come back safe and then be a good father to your child.’

‘It’ll only be for a few weeks. I’ll get back for the birth. I’ll make it happen.’ His child. It was so close now, a few more weeks and he’d be able to hold his child.

Was that why he’d taken this job? Because he was too afraid? Was he too afraid to love his child?

To love Georgie?

That idea shunted him off balance. He didn’t want to look too deeply inside himself, at his motivations, so he was going by gut feeling here, because that was all he had to go on. His head wasn’t making any sense. ‘And what about us?’

‘Oh, Liam, we want different things, I understand that now. I feel that now. I want a big messy family with two parents who love each other, with doting grandparents who want to share the joy, and you don’t want any of that.’ She touched her heart and a little piece of him shattered because he knew what she was saying. That this was the end. ‘We just don’t have the same dream.’

No
. Now his heart was being ripped away. He didn’t want to hear those words, to feel this hurt. But he knew that it was the only way they would ever be able to get by, to see each other and survive. Maybe one day they’d find a place where they could be friends again. ‘And when I come back?’

‘We’ll have rewound in time to before the baby. To before you came back from Pakistan. Back to when we were just friends. When things weren’t complicated. You can have your life and I’ll have mine and we’ll meet somehow in the middle, for this little fella. Co-parents, like we agreed.’

‘But—’

‘No.’ Her hand flicked up to stop him speaking. ‘It’s what I want, Liam. What I need to get through all this. Things are going to be hard enough as they are without wondering what you want from me too, worrying if you’re going to change your mind or choose something else, something more appealing. Because you do that...don’t you? So it’ll be better if we have no promises. No pretence. No ties between
us
. No
us.
Just this baby.’

‘But—’ He wanted to fight her, to fight for them, but she was right. It was easier, cleaner if they broke everything off now and got back to being friends again. If that could ever happen. Time apart would help. It had to.

‘I’m used to being on my own, Liam. That way there aren’t any expectations. I can’t spend my life wanting people to love me if they don’t. If I’m not enough, that’s fine. I’ll be enough for this little one.’

You’re more than enough for me. For anyone.
But love? That was another level he hadn’t dared strive for since Lauren. Something he’d closed himself to. Love? Nah, he couldn’t trust himself to go there. ‘I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’m sorry, about everything.’

‘No. This is all my fault, Liam. I should have listened to you in the first place. It was a beyond crazy idea. And now our friendship is ruined, we can’t talk without shouting. You’re leaving and we’re arguing. We never did this before, we used to go to the pub and give you a good send off, and off you’d trot, with a damned fine hangover, to save the world. And we cheered from the sidelines, proud and happy that you were doing something most excellent and good.

‘But look at me, I’m not cheering now. I resent you for going and that’s not how it should be. You’d resent me if I asked you stay. We’re caught between our own needs and wants and it’s too hard to live like that. Everything’s changed between us. You said it would and it has. It’s me who should be sorry. I made you do this. I kissed you first. I took you to my bed. I’m sorry for all of it.’

‘Never. We’ve created something. A child.
Our
child. We can’t ever be sorry for that.’ He tried to pull her into his arms, to kiss her once more. To taste those honeyed lips, to feel her, soft and gorgeously round, in his arms. To feel that sense of belonging that she gave him, that reason to stay. To make him stop running from the past and look ahead to something different, something better, something not haunted by what happened before. Something more than good. But she stepped away, out of reach.

So far out of reach he didn’t know if he’d ever find a way back to her.

* * *

‘I need you to leave now.’ She wanted him to stay. Wanted him to want to stay with her and the baby, and make a family of three. Oh, God, she wanted him. Wanted more. Wanted so much more. Wanted a different way to describe what the two of them had shared. It didn’t necessarily need paperwork—she didn’t expect marriage, but she did want commitment. Not just to the baby but to her. She wanted to be part of something long term. With him. She wanted her dream.

But he was running away, and he’d given her no choice in the matter.

And, yes, he’d shown commitment to the pregnancy despite her initial doubts. Not once had he wavered when even she’d had the odd wobble about impending parenthood. Hadn’t he helped her create a beautiful space for her and their child? Hadn’t he designed a garden? Hadn’t he made sure she was safe, that she ate the right things, that his child was cocooned in the right environment to grow?