A Baby's Cry (31 page)

Rihanna was now concentrating hard and looking serious, and I could tell she was struggling to take all this in. Baby feeding and baby routines are easy once you know how, but as every new parent knows they can appear very daunting to begin with. Although Rihanna was an intelligent woman this was a new world to her, as it is for most first-time parents. ‘And if he needs a change of nappy,’ I finished, ‘the nappies are in the bag, with baby wipes, and disposable nappy bags.’

‘I see,’ Rihanna said slowly. ‘Do I need safety pins for the nappies?’

‘No, they’re disposable.’ I quickly took one of the nappies from the bag and showed her the sticky fastener on either side. ‘Is there a changing mat here?’ I asked the supervisor.

‘There should be,’ she said, glancing around the room. ‘I’ll find it later if we need it.’

‘If you use the changing mat,’ I said to Rihanna, ‘wipe it down first with one of these anti-bacterial wipes.’ I showed her the pot of wipes in the bag. ‘If there isn’t a mat you’ll have to change him on the floor. There’s a small blanket at the bottom of this bag; put that on the floor – it’s clean.’ Rihanna nodded but continued to look daunted. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘You’ll be fine once you’ve done it. You’ve got my mobile number; if you’re not sure about anything give me a ring.’

‘All right, Cathy,’ she said, appearing slightly reassured that I was on the end of the phone if needed. ‘It’s a pity you couldn’t have stayed for the first few contacts. I’d have felt happier.’

And not for the first time I wondered why the social services didn’t always listen to the intuitive voice of good sense instead of relying on procedure.

‘You’ll be fine,’ I said again to Rihanna. ‘Phone if you need me. Have a good time and I’ll see you at five-thirty.’ Leaving the baby bag on the sofa I smiled at them both, came out and then hurried to the car.

There was just enough time to drive home, cook dinner but not eat it, before we had to return to the family centre to collect Harrison at 5.30. I knew I needed to be better organized for the next contact on Thursday because Adrian and Paula would be at school and I’d have to collect them and go straight to the family centre. Tonight, however, we settled for a quick snack until we could eat dinner after contact.

Rihanna hadn’t phoned, so I was optimistic that the contact had gone well and I’d been worrying unnecessarily. I parked on the forecourt and took Adrian and Paula into the centre. It was now dark and cold, so I wasn’t going to leave them in the car. They’d been into the family centre before and knew they had to wait in reception and look at the children’s books there while I went into the contact room to collect the child we were fostering. There was always someone in the office to keep an eye on children waiting in reception.

When I arrived outside the Blue Room the door was closed, so I knocked and went in. I knew as soon as I entered and heard Harrison grizzling that he’d been fretful and had given Rihanna a hard time. That was before I saw the mess! The room looked as though a tornado had swept through it, picking up and depositing at random anything that came into its path. Apart from the toys (belonging to the centre), which had presumably been used to try to placate Harrison and were now dotted around the room, the contents of the baby bag were strewn liberally on every available surface. The blanket was in a heap on the floor, surrounded by nappy bags, baby wipes and three clean but unusable nappies with their sticky fasteners torn off. The two jars of baby food, now empty, were on the tray of the high chair with the spoon, all of which was caked in an unhealthy-looking mixture of chicken casserole and rice pudding, as were the bib and some of the floor. And when I looked at Rihanna, who was pacing the room with Harrison in her arms, I saw that her clothes also bore the stains of what must have been a very interesting meal! I was about to quip something light-hearted about them having had quite a party but I could see from Rihanna’s face that this had been no party. She looked hot, flustered and close to tears.

‘Oh, Cathy,’ she said, coming over. ‘I’ve made such a mess.’

Understatement, I thought. ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘We’ll soon clear it up.’

‘Nothing went right,’ Rihanna lamented. ‘Harrison wouldn’t open his mouth when I tried to feed him. Then when I got some food into his mouth he spat it out. I tried to change his nappy but he kept wriggling and turning over. I nearly phoned you but I knew I should do it myself.’ Rihanna glanced in the direction of the supervisor, who sat at the table and was still busy writing.

‘Don’t worry,’ I said again. ‘It was strange for both of you. It will be easier the next time.’ But obviously Rihanna was worried – not only by her inability to perform what had probably appeared to her to be simple parenting tasks, but also that the contact supervisor had recorded her failure, and indeed was still doing so. Contact supervisors have to make notes during contact as aide memoires for when they write up their reports later, but I’d seen it done far more subtly. Writing so conspicuously must have made Rihanna feel very self-conscious and nervous.

With my arrival Harrison had begun grinning and babbling happily, and struggling to be out of Rihanna’s arms and into mine. I ignored him, not to be unkind, but because to have taken him now would have undermined Rihanna’s confidence further. ‘You play with Harrison while I tidy up,’ I said to her. I turned to the surrounding mayhem.

As well as having to gather together the contents of the baby bag, which I would need to take with me, I had to make sure the contact room was left clean and tidy, as it was supposed to be at the end of each session. I began with the high chair, removing the jars and spoon, wiping it down and then collapsing it and stowing it in the cupboard. I then tidied away the toys that belonged to the centre, returning them to the toy boxes. Then I threw the torn nappies away, folded the blanket and put that together with the other items that were mine into the baby bag. It only took five minutes and the contact supervisor could have helped but she didn’t, preferring to continue writing her notes, although goodness knows what she was writing – details of my tidying-up? Rihanna was now more relaxed and was cuddling and talking to Harrison, who was his usual sociable self and was smiling at her and no longer struggling to be put down. Finishing the tidying, I zipped up the baby bag, threw it over my shoulder and went over to take Harrison and say goodbye to Rihanna.

‘Thank you, Cathy,’ Rihanna said with a smile, as she passed Harrison to me. ‘What would they say at work if they knew I couldn’t feed or change a baby?!’

‘All new parents are the same,’ I reassured her. ‘I’ll let you into a secret.’ I saw the contact supervisor look over, as secrets aren’t allowed at contact, but I ignored her and continued anyway. ‘When I was first asked to look after Harrison, I was very worried I wouldn’t know what to do. Although I’ve had two children of my own the youngest, Paula, is five, so it was a long time since I’d made up formula or changed a nappy. I hadn’t fostered a baby, so I was convinced I wouldn’t know what to do. And to begin with everything took ages, but we got by, and Harrison didn’t know any different.’

‘Really?’ Rihanna exclaimed, surprised and relieved. ‘But you seem so experienced and confident.’

‘And soon you will be too. It’s just practice. Another couple of contact sessions and you’ll be fine, I promise you.’

If only that had been true.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The Decision

I
was better organized on Thursday. Adrian and Paula had returned to school for the spring term, and having seen them in I returned home, took down the Christmas decorations and then in the afternoon cooked dinner. I plated up ours and mashed Harrison’s, which I put in a sealed container for Rihanna to reheat in the microwave at the family centre. I collected Adrian and Paula from school in the afternoon and drove straight to the family centre, where they waited in reception as they had before. Harrison must have remembered being upset at his previous visit, for as soon as we entered the Blue Room he began crying. Not loud sobs but grizzling – enough to unsettle Rihanna, who was standing in the centre of the room, nervously awaiting our arrival.

‘Oh dear,’ she said, concerned, as she came over. ‘He doesn’t want to stay with me.’

‘Of course he does,’ I said.

Rather than pass Harrison to Rihanna and leave her to settle him I decided to try to placate him before I left. I began walking around the room, pointing out all the colourful pictures on the friezes, hoping he would feel more comfortable if he was used to the room before I left him.

Rihanna was soon joining in: ‘Look at this big yellow sun and these pretty little birds,’ she said, making a big effort, while trying to hide her anxiety.

We did a tour of the room and Harrison, while not crying, was not smiling either. Time for plan B, I thought. I slipped the bulging baby bag from my shoulder and passed it to Rihanna. ‘There are some of his favourite toys in there,’ I said. ‘Take them out and show them to him. They’ll make him feel more secure.’

‘Good idea,’ Rihanna said, unzipping the bag.

She began taking out the small toys one at a time and, holding them up to Harrison, pressed them, for they all made an appealing noise of some kind: the small toy dog barked, the bird tweeted and the clown laughed. Seeing the familiar toys and hearing their welcome sounds in an unfamiliar place reassured Harrison. He soon forgot his disquiet and began smiling at the toys and then at Rihanna. ‘There we go,’ I said, transferring Harrison from my arms into her arms. ‘A happy baby. His dinner, nappies and everything else you might need are in the bag.’

‘Thank you so much, Cathy,’ Rihanna said gratefully. ‘See you later.’

And I left Harrison happily in his mother’s arms.

But when I returned at 5.30 it was a very different matter. I heard Harrison sobbing as soon as I walked into reception. So did Adrian and Paula.

‘Isn’t that Harrison crying?’ Adrian asked, concerned.

‘It could be,’ I said. ‘You two wait here and look at the books while I go through.’

Once again, leaving Adrian and Paula in reception, I went down the corridor and towards the Blue Room. Harrison’s cries grew louder the closer I got. The door to the Blue Room was closed and I knocked, but I doubted they could hear over the noise Harrison was making. I knocked again and went in. Rihanna was standing in the centre of the room with Harrison in her arms, pacing up and down and trying to pacify him. And while the room wasn’t in the chaos it had been on Tuesday, I took no comfort from this, for clearly Harrison was very upset and had been crying for some time. His cheeks were hot and wet and his eyes red. As soon as Rihanna saw me she came over.

‘He wants you,’ she said, ‘not me. He won’t stop crying.’ She placed him in my arms.

‘Why didn’t you phone me?’ I asked, concerned that Harrison had been crying for so long.

‘I have to do this myself if there’s any chance of me having Harrison back,’ Rihanna said, close to tears, and glancing at the supervisor. ‘You won’t be there if he’s living with me. I have to learn to look after him myself.’

‘But this is only the second session here,’ I said. ‘He’s not used to you yet. It will take time.’ Harrison had stopped crying now and was smiling at his mother and me.

‘How long do you think it will take for him to get used to me?’ Rihanna asked mournfully.

I didn’t know, but I was sure this wasn’t the way to go about mother and baby establishing a relationship. ‘I think we need to do this more gradually,’ I said. ‘So Harrison has time to get used to you here before I leave. Shall I ask Cheryl if I can stay for a while at the beginning of the next few sessions?’

‘Oh, yes please, will you?’ Rihanna asked gratefully, while the supervisor continued to write.

So that is what I did. Once Adrian and Paula were at school the following morning, I telephoned Jill and put forward my suggestion, strongly: ‘It’s ridiculous to leave Harrison with his mother in a strange room and expect her to just get on with it. The supervisor doesn’t help; she just sits there writing. Harrison was so upset yesterday his eyes were red and puffy. It’s cruel, and it’s undermining Rihanna’s confidence. I think it should be a gradual introduction, with me staying at the beginning – say for half an hour. Then when Harrison is used to the room and Rihanna I can gradually withdraw. There will still be time for the social services to do their assessment once he’s more settled with his mother.’

‘Absolutely,’ Jill said, with no objection. ‘It’s a wonder this wasn’t a planned introduction from the start. It would have been if it was adoptive parents Harrison was seeing. And given that Harrison doesn’t really know Rihanna the same should have applied. I’ll speak to Cheryl and get back to you.’

‘Thank you, Jill. It wasn’t only upsetting for Rihanna and Harrison, but Adrian, Paula and I found it very upsetting too. We hate seeing Harrison cry – he’s usually so happy.’

‘I understand,’ Jill said.

Jill phoned back later in the afternoon, having spoken to Cheryl, who’d spoken to the contact supervisor, who’d confirmed Harrison had been upset at contact and wouldn’t settle. Cheryl also said Rihanna had phoned her that morning and had asked if I could stay at the start of some of the sessions. Cheryl now agreed this was the best way forward.

‘Cheryl said she’ll leave the exact details of the timescale to you and Rihanna to decide,’ Jill added. ‘Can you phone Rihanna this evening?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘What will you do with Adrian and Paula while you’re with Rihanna and Harrison?’ Jill asked.

‘I’m not sure yet. I’ll sort something out.’

‘Let me know if you need the agency to provide a sitter.’

‘Thanks, Jill. I will.’

Once the children were in bed that evening I telephoned Rihanna, who was expecting my call. She already sounded more relaxed now that she knew we would be doing a gradual introduction, and was again looking forward to seeing Harrison, although she remained concerned that Harrison would remember their ‘bad start’, as she called it, and it could affect their relationship.