A Beautiful Struggle (4 page)

Shaking her head from side to side
, she waved her hand. “Forget it.”

I stilled her waving hand in mine.
“What, Ash?”

Scrunching her eyebrows together and biting on her lip
, she took in a breath. Letting it out, she said, “Have you told your family?”

My heart dropped.
I hadn’t. I didn’t even know how to start that conversation. It would probably go something like:

“How’s school been?”

“Good. So I’m gay.”

I mean logistically speaking
, how do you tell your parents you’re gay? How do you even start off the conversation? And what if they don’t accept you?

A million thoughts starting running through my head and I
got lost in all of the questions I was asking myself. But I was calmed when I felt Ash’s hands take mine.

Looking down at our intertwined fingers
, I looked up at my best friend and saw a smile on her face. I wanted to say something but I just couldn’t form words. Turns out I didn’t have to.

“Whenever you’re ready I’ll be there with you
,” she said.

I could feel tears in my eyes.
I couldn’t believe how accepting Ash was. It really was a beautiful thing, but I knew not everybody would be like that once I told them who I was.

I’ve
struggled my entire life with who I really am and what society thinks is “acceptable.”

I felt tears running down my face.
I whispered thank you to Ash.

I could see tears in her eyes
. Slowly smiling at me, she said, “I’ll always be here for you, Derrick, no matter what happens.”

I couldn’t take it anymore.
Breaking free of her hands, I pulled Ash onto my lap and hugged the crap out of her. Ash was the first person I told about who I really was and she accepted me with open arms. I just hoped my family would do the same.

Wrapping her arms around me
, she kissed me on the cheek and whispered, “I love you, Derrick.”

Getting little butterflies in my stomach
, I hugged her even tighter. I swallowed the lump in my throat and barely managed to whisper back, “I love you, too.”

Holding onto each other for a few more seconds
, we slowly started to untangle ourselves from each other. I was done talking about me today so I asked, “So, Jason?”

Shrugging her shoulders
, Ashlynn said, “Maybe he’s just not into me like that. I mean, we’ve known each other for so long. We get along really well but maybe we aren’t meant to be anything other than friends.” Pursing her lips, she said, “I don’t know. I mean, I tried, but he’s going out with that Christy bitch, so what can you do?”

Letting out a defeated breath
, I shook my head. “I don’t know, Ash. I know that boy likes―”

“Please
, Derrick. Let’s just drop it, okay?”

Sulking
, I dropped my head and mumbled, “Okay,” under my breath.

Feeling an arm wrap around my shoulder
, I looked over at Ash and saw tears in her eyes. We both held onto one another.

“I love you
, Ash baby.”

“I love you to
o, Der-bear.” She kissed me on the neck.

Breaking away from
her, I kissed her on the tip of her nose. “Come on, let’s go get a stiff drink.”

…
stiff. That’s exactly how that hot guy made me.

Chapter 4

Patrick

It has been a few months since Britt left to go to Los Angeles.
The city of Angels. At first I was crushed. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without her. I knew she was just a phone call away but I needed my right hand girl at my side; through the thick and thin.

She had helped me overcome so many difficult things in life
: my coming out process; my decision to not go to college; my disgusting outfit choices in the 90’s. I still didn’t know to this day how she still managed to stand by me when I thought plaid pants and overalls were hot shit.
Ugh, that’s true friendship right there.

I didn’t have to wait long to find a new friend.
Thank God for that.

I couldn’t believe that I had made
such a great friend in Isabelle Clark. She was such a sweet girl who would do practically anything for someone. I felt bad for her and the struggles she was going through with that hot patootie she called Ryder. At first when she told me all the issues she had with Ryder on Christmas, I thought she was taking it way too far, but she forgot to mention the Witch Bitch she had to deal with growing up her entire life.

Still
¸ in some ways I did think she was taking it a little overboard. I could tell from the way she talked about Ryder and everything he had done for her that he really did love her. Yeah, he was a player, but every player will eventually settle down. I’m pretty sure, even without ever meeting Ryder, that he was going to settle down with Isabelle. She just had to get over her mommy issues and realize that not everyone was like her mom. That some people do care about our well-being and want good things for us because they love us.

After all, that’s what love is.
Love. It’s sacred and pure and raw. It’s an emotion that you can’t really explain. It’s just in the feeling. You feel warm and happy and content with yourself. You feel like you’re on Cloud 9 and you can’t be brought down because you love someone. Better yet, they love you. I’ve experienced love before. My parents loved me. My grandparents love me and have taken care of me. I know my girl Britt loves me, but I’ve never been
in
love.

I’ve been in lust, but I’ve never been in love.
Lust and love are two completely different things. Lust is all about the physical attraction. Of course, before you fall in love with someone, you take their outer appearance into account, but after a while the outer shell is put on the back burner.

We all know looks fade.
We can’t stay young forever… that’s where true love comes into play. You love someone through thick and thin. Through the struggles and the laughter. Especially the struggles, because that’s when you know someone really loves you. They’re there for you at the lowest of lows in your life. Don’t get me wrong—while it’s nice to enjoy the highs of life, when you sink to the bottom, you realize who’s really there for you and who isn’t. That’s what is most important.

I knew
Ryder could be that for Iz. She just had to get over the demons she was facing and wake up and smell the deliciously roasted hot coffee reality was waving under her nose. And that coffee was in the form of a hot, tall, tattooed, muscled, pierced beefcake man.

***

“So I was thinking we could all go to the bar this weekend. What do you think, Patrick?” Iz asked while she was stocking books on the shelves.

Glancing over towards her
, I saw she had a little smile on her face. I was glad she was finally smiling again. I knew things were becoming difficult between her and Ryder. She told me it was hard for her to even be in the same room with him. They never fought. At least I never saw it. What I did see was a lovesick puppy dog having absolutely no clue how to rectify the hole he was in.

Shrugging my shoulders
, I said, “Sure, why not?”

“Great!”
Iz said with a little more cheer and pep in her step.

Tilting my head to the side
, I asked, “What are you so excited about, Isabelle Clark?”

Placing the books back down in the box
, she shrugged. In a tiny voice she said, “Well, I wanted to set you up with someone… “

Nodding
, I said, “And… ?”

“His name is Derrick.
Derrick Miles. He’s on the football team. He’s not out yet to a lot of people, but I think you two would be perfect together.” She paused. “You’re so vibrant and loud and obnoxious—”

“Hey!”

She crossed her arms and looked at me expectantly. “Yes?”

I shrugged and laughed.
“Yeah, okay.” I turned more serious. “What’s he like?”

“He’s really quiet.
But I think you two would get along really well. He’s easy on the eyes. He has brown hair and brown eyes. He’s about 6 foot 3.”

Tilting my head to the side
, I said, “Huh. Okay, sure. Why not?”

Running
toward me, Iz jumped into my arms and yelled, “Great!” Letting go of me, she clapped her hands. “I’m so excited! You need to have some fun and let loose. Well, I want you to be happy, Patrick.”

I started to get a little emotional.
It was nice to hear someone had my best interests at heart. There are very few people I let in. But when I let you into my life, I know that there’s something special about you and I won’t get hurt. If I do? I know the hurt will be worth it because I want that person in my life long-term. They’re worth fighting for.

Wrapping my arms around her middle
, I pulled her close and hugged her. She hugged me back. We held onto one another for a few seconds and then I whispered into her hair, “I want you to be happy too, Iz.”

Nodding into my chest
, she whispered, “I know. I’m just not there yet.” Breaking free from me, she looked into my eyes and shrugged. “Maybe when I move out things will get better.”

I don’t even think she believed what she had just said.
Cupping her face in my hands, I looked into her eyes. “He made a mistake, baby. You have to learn to forgive and forget. That boy loves you and I know you love him. You just have to learn that not everybody is like your mom.” I paused to let the words seep in. “I’m sure he had a reason for doing what he did.”

I watched her slump her head down.
I knew she loved him and missed him. Even though they were still living together, they rarely saw each other. From what I heard, Ryder was working all the time and when he wasn’t, he was holed up in his room and going home on the weekends.

S
he sucked in a breath and whispered, “I just don’t know how to get back to where we were.”

“You’re probably going to hate me after I say this, but I think you jumped the gun on the fight.
I think he had good intentions for doing what he did. I think you made a mistake and you messed up big time. I think you need to really think about what you want with Ryder. I just don’t want to see you give up on him, because I know he hasn’t given up on you, babe.”

Iz’s
bottom lip was quivering and tears rolled down her face. Moving my thumbs to wipe away the tears, I said, “I love you, baby girl. I just want you to be happy too, and I know right now you’re not. I know that when you were with Ryder, you were.” I paused briefly. “Even though I wasn’t there, I’ve heard stories about the two of you from Ash and Jade and Sarah. I know you two were something very special.”

She nodded.
“We were, Patrick. We were something beautiful—”

It felt like she wanted to say something else
, so I prompted her. “And now?”

“And now we’re something ugly,”
she said. She wrapped her arms around me and wailed into my chest.

It broke my heart
to hear her cry over this, but I knew one day maybe her and Ryder could be something beautiful again.

I could only hope I found that beauty and burning passion with someone someday.

***

“Do I look hot as fuck in this outfit or what?” I asked Iz. She was currently sitting on my bed, waiting for me to figure out what I wanted to wear to the bar tonight. With this hot guy to meet, I couldn’t be more excited!
Or nervous!

Glancing up at me from
her book, her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head like a cartoon character. She dropped her book on the bed and jumped up. “Oh my god, you look hot, Pat!”

I hate being called Pat!
It’s like a fat kid name. Big people need lovin’ too, but I ain’t fat.
Clapping my hands together, I spun around and asked, “360 view good?”

Pe
eking over my shoulders, I saw Iz was actually checking me out. She must have spotted me staring at her because her eyes darted up to mine and her cheeks started to get red. Completely facing her, I laughed out, “OMG, you were
so
checking me out, baby girl!”

Shaking her head
, Iz said in a small voice, “No, I wasn’t!”

Wrapping my arms around her waist
, I jumped up and down with her in my arms, screaming, “Yes, you did!”

Pushing out of my death grip
, Iz laughed. “Fine!” She shook her head and looked at me. “You have a nice ass, Patrick. When it’s there, I can’t help but look.”

Smiling at her
, I kissed her on the cheek. Standing back, I placed all my weight on my right leg and bent my left. Pursing my lips to the side, I folded my arms and began to really check Iz out. Her nice firm ass. Her sexy curves. Her plump red lips which were slightly opened. Her toned arms. Her glossy hazelnut hair and her beautiful chocolate eyes.

Scaling my eyes from the tip of her head all the way down to her toes
, I whistled at her. Hearing her giggle, I strutted over to her and in my best sexy voice, I said, “Damn, baby, what are you doing later?”

Giggling again
, she shook her head to get into character. She placed her hand on my bicep. Slowly she lifted her eyes up to meet mine. Iz pulled her lower corner lip into her mouth and bit down. Releasing it from between her teeth, she lightly moaned. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed the corner of my mouth, close enough to my lips, but far enough away that she didn’t quite touch them. Pulling away, Iz breathlessly said, “Maybe you.”

I immediately broke out into laughter.
I couldn’t believe that the Iz I knew had turned into a sex goddess. “Iz?”

“What?”
She looked confused.

Searching her eyes for a second
, I pointed at her and screamed, “You’re reading way too many sex novels!” I shook my head. “I’m not anywhere near close to straight, but damn, baby, I actually think I got a little hard from that.”

“Oh my
god, Patrick, that was just way TMI!”

I laughed for a few seconds,
then got serious. “So I look okay?”

Placing her hands on my shoulders
, Iz smiled up at me and said, “He’d be crazy not to want you, Patrick.”

Kissing her on the cheek
, I whispered, “Thanks, babe. Come on, let’s go to the bar.”

***

Between the loud music and the drunk people screaming at one another, I couldn’t hear anything besides the crazy thoughts running through my head. To calm my nerves, I yelled over to the bartender, “I’ll have a strong, fruity one!”

Turning towards my direction
, he nodded his head and started grabbing liquors and fruit mixes to combine together for my delicious beverage. I couldn’t help but stare at the bartender. He had on this short-sleeved black shirt, and as he shook my drink in the two cups, I watched his strong arms move up and down. I put my arm on the counter and rested my chin in that hand, mesmerized at the gorgeous, fuckable view in front of me.

My mind started to go off into a dirty place
, thinking about what he looked like naked.
I bet his ass is hard as a rock. I know I am.
Still staring at him, I heard someone giggling to my left saying, “Wow, Patrick we’re in public! Put the boner away, hotstuff!”

Turning to my left
, I saw Jade giggling at me. Winking at me, she turned to the bar and whispered for my ears only, “Who are we eye-raping?”

Glancing back at the gorgeous bartender
, I nodded my head towards him and said, “Right there.”

Just
then, the bartender glanced up and he must have noticed Jade, because his eyes zeroed in on her. Quickly pouring the drink, he strode over to us. Handing the drink to me, he said, “That’ll be five bucks,” without looking away from Jade.

Pulling seven
dollars out of my wallet, I laid it down on the counter and started to rip open my straw. I needed a little liquid courage to get me through this so-called
blind date. I mean, what the hell? We were having it in a bar, for Christsakes!

Pushing the straw down into my fruity mixed drink
, I pulled the tip of the straw to my lips.

“What can I get for you
, darlin’?” the cute bartender asked Jade.

Placing her arms on the bar
, she leaned in so her huge tits were hanging out. Moaning loud enough for him to hear, she tilted her head to the side and in the hottest voice I’ve ever heard she said, “I’ll have a
stiff
one.”