A Beautiful Struggle (8 page)

Pausing
, I glanced at my mom and I could see in her eyes that she already knew. Nodding her head for me to continue, she mouthed, “I love you, Derrick.”

I looked
at my dad and I could see his face was filled with rage. He also knew, and feeling my heart disintegrate in my body, I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I wanted to say it but I couldn’t. I knew they both knew, but actually saying the words is something totally different.

Words change everything.
Words stick with you. Once they leave your mouth, the truth is told. Words are embedded into our brains and stick with us like glue. It wasn’t that I was scared to come out, but I was petrified at what words would leave my dad’s mouth. I had prepared myself for this very moment, but sitting there, I knew that I would be crushed. The armor and the shields I had put around myself, to protect myself from this very moment, were nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

I was broken from my thoughts when my dad chugged the rest of his beer and angrily said, “No son of
mine will be a fag.”

“Brad!”
my mom protested, rising from her chair.

Before I knew it
, Dad was standing up and throwing his beer bottle. I heard it hit the floor and shatter into a million pieces, but I didn’t see it. I saw my dad charging towards me. “Dad—” He punched me in the jaw.

As I fell back onto the hardwood floor
, I heard my mom scream. I saw Patrick get up and my dad started to charge towards him, but I wrapped my arms around my dad and pushed him to the ground. I tried to hold him down. We were both about the same height and weight, but somehow my dad got out of my hold and pushed me off.

Getting up as fast as I could
, I went to charge again when my mom screamed, “Brad! Derrick!”

Stopping, we both looked towards my mom.
With tears running down her face, she walked over to my dad, slapped him across the face, and yelled, “HOW DARE YOU! HE’S OUR SON, FOR GOD’S SAKE!”

Looking
past Mom directly at me, Dad angrily said, “He’s no son of mine,” and walked out of the room and up the stairs.

All four of us just stood there with our hearts beating rapidly and our breath coming in spurts.
The second we heard the door slam shut, my mom jumped back and shook her head. Looking to me, she quickly wrapped her arms around me. “I love you, Derrick.”

I wrapped my arms as tight as I could around my mom
, tears spilling from my eyes. “I love you too, Mom.” We held onto one another for a few minutes then Mom let go and looked at Patrick. Wiping the tears from her eyes, Mom wrapped her arms around Patrick’s shoulders. “It’s so nice to meet you, Patrick.” She kissed him on the cheek.

Holding onto my mom
, he smiled and said, “It’s nice to meet you as well.”

She stepped
back from Patrick. “You love Derrick.”

At first I thought it was a question, but I then realized it was a statement.
Patrick first looked at me and smiled. Looking back towards my mom, he said, “Yes.”

Nodding her head
, Mom said, “Well, you take care of my baby.”

Giving my mom another hug, Patrick kissed her on the cheek and whispered, “Always.”

I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to hear that or not, but I was glad I did.

Walking over towards the door
, Patrick, Ash, and I decided to go back to the hotel. We were all so exhausted. With the driving and the emotional aspect, we needed to rest.

Giving their goodbyes, Ash and Patrick walked over to the car and got in
, giving me some alone time to talk with my mom. As soon as they were out of hearing range, my mom looked at me. “He’ll come around eventually. Just give him some time.”

I wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince me or herself.
Probably both. I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe.”

Looking up at me
, Mom nodded towards the car. “You have such amazing friends.” She hesitated a moment. “And an amazing boyfriend.”

With tears filling up in my eyes
, I nodded. “Yeah, I do.” I wasn’t sure who leaned in first, but in one second we were standing with our arms at our sides and in the next our arms were wrapped around the other, holding on as tight as we could.

Giving
me a kiss on my cheek, my mom whispered, “I love you, Derrick.”

I kissed
Mom on the forehead. “I know.” I smiled down at her.

Nodding her head towards the car
, Mom said, “Your friends are waiting,” and gave me a reassuring smile.

“I’ll call you.”
Kissing her once more on the cheek, I said, “I love you, Mom,” and turned towards the car. With every step I took, a smile grew wider on my face. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could now be who I was. I no longer had to struggle.

Chapter 8

Patrick

“What are you thinking?” I asked Derrick.
We had just gotten back from Vegas and we were relaxing in my bed, tangled up in one another.

Shrugging his shoulders
, Derrick said, “Nothing much.” He turned to me. “I’m really happy, Pat.”

Pat.
It was starting to grow on me. The only people who called me that were my grandparents and Derrick. The three most important people in my life. Letting out a breath, I smiled. “So am I.”
This was it.
I had planned on asking Derrick about this for a while but I was struggling on how to.

“What’s wrong?” Derrick asked.

I guess he could sense the atmosphere was different.
Looking into his eyes, I could tell he was really nervous. I let my forehead rest against his. Closing my eyes, I let out a deep breath. “Nothing, Derrick.” I gave him a reassuring smile but he didn’t buy it.

Quirking his eyebrows together
, he asked, “Seriously, what’s wrong? You’re starting to make me nervous.”

“Ok
ay, here goes.” Pausing, I took a breath. “What do you think about moving in with me?” My heart was beating wild. I couldn’t believe I had just asked him that. I mean, he was practically living here. He slept over every night and he had a drawer, but he still lived at his apartment. I knew his lease was going to end soon. The school year was about to be finished. Most students would go back home, however, Derrick’s dad still wasn’t talking to him. His mom called frequently but I could tell things just weren’t the same between them.

Derrick still hadn’t said anything so I said, “If you
—”

“Shut up
, Pat,” Derrick said. I looked up into his eyes and saw he was smiling at me. “Of course I’ll move in with you.” Leaning in, Derrick lightly kissed me on the lips. As he pulled back, I saw a tear run its way down his cheek.

Using my thumb
, I wiped it away. “What’s the matter?” I asked in a small voice.

Derrick kept his eyes closed and shook his head.
“Nothing,” he muttered under his breath. Opening his eyes, he smiled and whispered, “I love you, Patrick.”

“I love you
, Derrick,” I whispered back.

H
e smirked at me. “Then show me.”

And I did just that.

***

“So what have you two been up to lately?” Gram asked as she took a sip of her coffee.

It seemed now every Sunday we had breakfast with my grandparents.
At first it was just breakfast but recently it had turned into an all-day hangout. Derrick didn’t seem to mind, which I was relieved about. My grandparents meant the world to me. I didn’t know where I would be without them. They took me in when I was little and I’m the man I am today because of them.

Turning
, I met Derrick’s eyes at the same time, and smirking at one another, I heard Gram say, “Hm. So you two have been having fun, I guess?”

“Come on
, Ev,” Gramps said as he took another bite of food. He swung his fork back and forth. “Let’s talk about something else, huh?”

Smiling sweetly at
Gramps, Gram turned to us. Placing her elbows on the table, she cupped her face in her hands. “So when are we going to have some great grandkids?”

“Jesus
, Ev.”

Waving her hand back and forth
, Gram looked over and said, “Oh hush up, Herman.”

Gramps just shook his head and muttered something underneath his breath.

Turning back to look at us, Gram asked, “Yes? I’m waiting.”

I started to open my mouth when Derrick said, “Eventually,” while he grabbed my hand.

“Oh yay!” Gram cheered.

I turned to look at Derrick
, who faced towards me with a smile. I knew Derrick loved me and that I loved him. There was no question about that. But I think even when you’re in love you have questions. You still get nervous. You still get butterflies. I think when you stop getting nervous, and by nervous I mean in the best way possible, not the nervous when you question getting another slice of pizza or doing something stupid. I mean nervous when you feel giddy and almost like a child on the night before Christmas. Anyway, I think when you stop getting nervous or feeling butterflies, that’s when the relationship dies.

Turning towards my grandparents
, I could see that they still had that giddiness to them. They still laughed and joked around. They played and cuddled up in one another’s arms. That’s what I wanted and I knew I could have that with Derrick. Sure, there would be struggles and problems, but real relationships aren’t perfect. And perfect ones aren’t real. I want real. I want the messes and the mistakes. I want the struggles and the imperfections.

I have carried with me what my mom told me when I was younger throughout my life.
I think every single one of us live by a motto. That one is mine. It’s true what she said. “When you struggle, you have something to strive for.” I don’t want to ever make it to the top, because I can only go down from there.

“So who wants to watch the game with me?”
Gramps asks.

“Oh I will
, Herman,” Derrick said.

Nodding his head
, Gramps said, “Awesome! I was hoping you would.” He gave Derrick a smile.

I started to get up from my seat and follow them into the living room when
Gram lightly slapped my hand. “And where do you think you’re going, Patrick Allen?”

Oh boy
, I’m in trouble.
Turning to Gram I opened my mouth when she giggled. Picking up her plate she asked, “Why don’t you help me with the dishes?”

“Ok
ay, Gram.” Picking up mine and Derrick’s plates, I started to walk over to the sink. Gram didn’t like dishwashers. She said they were poison. She enjoyed washing dishes the old-fashioned way, with some dish soap and hot water. She enjoyed looking out the window and getting lost in her thoughts and imagination. Gram always told the best stories. She got so into the stories telling every single detail, you felt like you were there in the moment with her.

I put
the plug in the sink so the water wouldn’t run out, then turned on the water and slowly poured in some dish soap. While Gram wrapped the leftovers from breakfast, I got the rest of the dishes. I started to rinse off the dishes and got lost thinking about what Derrick said at the table. I was relieved and excited that we were on the same page.

“What are you thinking?”
Gram asked.

Turning to her
, I shrugged and muttered, “Nothing, really.”

“You’re lying
, Pat.” Nudging me in the side, Gram said, “Come on, hon. Tell your Gram what’s on your mind.”

“I
—I’m scared.”

“Of what
, honeybear?” Wrapping her arms around my waist, Gram hugged me. “Patrick, what’s wrong?”

I
wrapped my arm around Gram’s shoulder and kissed her on the forehead. “It’s Derrick.”

“What about him
, baby?”

I shook my head and whispered, “Everything.”
I paused to think about it. “I love Derrick, Gram.”

G
ram ran her fingers across my face. Smiling up at me, she said, “I know, baby.” She scrunching her eyebrows together. “I still don’t see what the problem is.”

“I don’t know.
It’s just I’m in love with Derrick, but what if—”

“You stop that
, Patrick Allen. You stop that right now,” Gram demanded. She turned me to the direction of the living room. “You look at that boy in there, Patrick. And you look good, because that boy,” shaking her head, Gram corrected herself, “That man in there loves you.”

Wrapping my face in her hands
, Gram looked up at me. “The real kind, baby. Not the kind where you love someone as a friend. The in love kind.” Gram had a few tears forming. “I truly believe people only get one great love in their life. Some people find theirs. Others are unfortunate. Some let theirs go and then regret it later, but it’s oftentimes too late. And others?” Pausing, she smiled and looked over at my gramps. “They’re lucky enough to marry that person. What you have with Derrick is that.” Turning back to me, Gram smiled. “Don’t let him go, baby.”

“What is love
, Gram?” It was probably a stupid question to ask, but sometimes I don’t even think people know what that is. I knew my gram did and that’s why I asked her.

“What do you mean by that
, Patrick?”

“I mean what does it truly mean to love someone?
To be in love?”

“It means that you never give up on that person.”
She smiled up at me. “It means that through the hardest of times you are there for that person. That you don’t give up. That’s what love is, Pat. It’s easy to love someone through the easy times. But what’s so beautiful about it is that when you go through the struggles and the lowest of lows, that person is there for you. It’s undeniably the most beautiful experience in the world.”

Turning to look over at Derrick
, I smiled, because I knew that that was what I had with him. What I would experience with him.
Hell, I had experienced that with him.
I wrapped my arms around Gram and pulled her in to my chest. Giving a gentle squeeze, I said, “Thanks, Gram.” I kissed her on the top of her head.

“Anytime
, baby,” she whispered into my chest as she patted me on my back.

As we held onto one another
, I thought about how grateful I was to my grandparents. A part of me started to get sad too, because I knew that my grandparents wouldn’t be there with me forever. I whispered, “I love you so much, Gram.”

Tears started to run down my face.
Reaching her hand up to my face, Gram whispered, “What’s the matter, baby?”

“I just love you so much
, Gram. I’m just so grateful to you and Gramps.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way
, Pat.” Dropping her head, she said, “I wish your parents could see you. They’re probably smiling down at you from heaven. I have no doubt in my body they’re so proud of you.”

Wiping away
my tears, I said, “Thanks, Gram.” I had always wondered if my parents would be proud of me. What I had done with my life so far.

Nudging
my side, Gram said, “All right, let’s get these dishes done.”

“OOOOOOOH!”
both Gramps Derrick cheered from the living room.

“I wonder what those two halfwits are cheering
about?” Gram muttered under her breath.

Laughing
, I said, “I don’t know,” as I grabbed the dishrag from the counter and started to wash dishes and handing them to Gram to dry. While we washed the dishes, we worked in silence. The two of us were just looking out the window and daydreaming. I’m sure at least that’s what Gram was doing. Me, on the other hand? I was thinking about how I could get Derrick’s dad to come around. I was determined I would.

***

“I hope you have fun with Ashlynn this weekend,” I said. Derrick was packing a bag because he and Ash were going to the beach. I had asked Ash to take Derrick somewhere because I wanted to talk to his parents. Well, his dad in particular. I had called his mom earlier in the week and talked everything over with her. His mom was willing to help me out and I was grateful for that.

Looking over his shoulder at me
, Derrick smiled. “Thanks, I’m really excited. I just wish you were coming with us.”

“I know
, but I have to look after the bookstore,” I said as I walked over to him.

As he placed the folded shirt in the duffel bag
, Derrick turned around and smiled at me. Stopping right in front of him, I said, “I love you, Derrick,” and leaned in to kiss him. I honestly didn’t think I could ever get sick of kissing him. His lips were so soft and plump. Plus he was an amazing kisser. The things he could do with his lips and tongue were amazing, and I’m not just talking about his kisses.

Derrick could do things I didn’t even know were possible and I came every time.
I remember the first time I came in his mouth was the most exhilarating experience of my life. I had never come in someone’s mouth before, and of course I was the first man Derrick had shared any of these sexual experiences with.

Swiping my tongue along his lower lip
, Derrick willingly opened his mouth. Meeting my tongue with his, I groaned and started to slide my hand from his chest down to his pants, where I knew he would be rock hard. Lightly, I grazed my fingers against his crotch. Derrick moaned into my mouth and it excited me. I nipped his bottom lip and then started to kneel down.

I placed my hands on his belt and unbuckled
it. Then I started to unzip his pants and pulled his jeans and boxers down. Derrick’s hard cock sprung right out into my face. I looked up at him through my eyelashes and licked my lips.

Running his cock along my mouth
, Derrick moaned. I lifted his hard cock straight up and started to run my tongue from the base all the way to the tip. But I didn’t take him in.