A Bouquet of Barbed Wire (34 page)

Manson said, ‘Excuse me a minute.’ He put his glass down
and went out of the room to the phone down the passage.

Prue frowned. ‘Where’s he gone? What did I say?’

‘Nothing, darling, I expect he’s just gone to the loo.’

Prue laughed. ‘Poor Daddy. His eyes are quite misty, did you notice?’

‘Oh, honey, give him a break.’

‘Well. It’s not like him, that’s all. I’m flattered. D’you think he approves of Eve? Oh, I know I could have called her Petra or Cassandra, or Gavina come to that (wonder why “a” is so feminine in all languages) but I like Eve. It’s like a fresh start and that’s what I want. Oh, I know I’ve been bloody to everyone but I’ll make up for it, promise. And I’ll be such a model mum you won’t recognise me. Honestly. I’m going to be the greatest mum who ever lived. Well, maybe the second greatest. God, I just can’t stop talking, have you noticed? Do you think it’s the champagne or the stuff they gave me, or just having
had
her? I feel so elated I could burst.’

Cassie said gently, ‘It’s everything, darling. That’s what it’s like.’ She had the strangest sensation of loving them both, Prue and Gavin, with separate passion, as if she were physically split down the middle. And Manson must surely be telephoning Sarah, but it did not matter, there was no jealous pain. It seemed trivial, faced with the enormity of birth.

‘I don’t think I’ll bother going back to college,’ said Prue. ‘It’s so unimportant, with Eve to look after. And Gavin’s clever enough for two … aren’t you?’

‘I don’t know. Guess I’ll have to be.’

‘You’re not sorry she isn’t a son?’

‘She’s Eve—how could she be a son?’

Prue grabbed his hand. ‘Oh, I do love you. Mummy, isn’t he lovely?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh, I’m so lucky.’

Manson came back into the room. Cassie, watching,
thought she saw him switch from one mood to another by merely adjusting the muscles of his face.

‘Daddy, you’ve been ages. Is there any more champagne?’

Manson gave them all a little more. Prue held up her glass. ‘Now then, come on. I want to see you shake hands, you and Gavin. And put your arm round Mummy. Oh, come on, Daddy, please. Let bygones be bygones, all of you. It’s not much to ask and surely I’m entitled. After all, just think how you’d feel if I’d died.’

‘H
E MUST
have hated that,’ said Gavin as Manson drove away.

‘What?’

‘That kiss and make-up bit. God, that was pure Prue, wasn’t it?’

‘Meaning you hated it too?’ She was smiling.

‘Meaning it was typical of Prue. But yeah, I did hate it. Not that I mind shaking hands, I’ve got nothing against him, but it wasn’t spontaneous so what does it mean? Just Prue, getting her own way again.’

‘Get in the car,’ Cassie said. ‘I’ll drive you home.’

In the car he stretched out his not very long length and sighed, ‘Jesus, I can’t believe it. I had—not like me a bit but wow—the wildest premonitions.’

‘So did I.’

‘Cassandra.’

‘No, really I did. And Prue did as well, it seems.’

‘Oh, she’s probably making it up. Anything for drama. God, the relief. I can’t believe it’s all over.’

‘I know.’

They drove for a while in silence. Then: ‘I thought he’d stay, though. I thought you’d drive off together in a cloud of marital bliss for the technicolor finale with choirs and a sunset.’

‘Sunrise, you mean.’ Already the sharp, pale dawn was rising as they drove towards Regents Park.

‘Were you disappointed?’

‘I didn’t consider it. You can’t … do big things like that just because you feel emotional.’

‘What other reason is there?’

‘We’re too old to be hasty.’

‘Oh, come on. Don’t give me that.’

‘We’re grandparents, have you forgotten?’ She was lightheaded with relief. Prue was all right. The baby was all right. No one had been punished. To have escaped scot-free seemed to her the purest good-fortune, a gift from the gods, and made her frivolous.

‘So what? I still love you, Cassandra. Do you love him?’

‘Yes, of course I do.’

‘Well, that’s all right. That gives us two each.’ He sighed contentedly.

‘You have a very simple mind.’

‘Why? What’s the problem?’

‘Doesn’t it ever occur to you there’s an element of choice about this. That people can’t just … love each other all over the place.’

‘Why not? Why can’t they?’ He sounded genuinely surprised.

‘Well, for one thing you’re married to Prue and I’m married to Peter. And you and I are legally related.’

‘So what?’

‘Well, it makes a difference. Surely—’

‘Oh, balls. If you mean you don’t love me just say so, don’t fence.’

She was silent. They had reached the door of the flat and she drew up at the kerb. ‘Ah, you can’t say it,’ he exclaimed in triumph.

‘I can’t say I do either.’

‘That’s different. If you can’t say you don’t then you do, even if you can’t say you do.’

‘That’s too much for me.’ She was trying to be flippant.

‘Don’t laugh it off. It’s too important.’

‘You’re home,’ she said gently. ‘We’ve arrived.’

He ignored that. ‘Look, Cassandra, I’ll tell you something. I used to think about going back to the States with Prue. When I’m through with school.’ He shook his head. ‘Not any more. You’re in England, so that’s where we’ll be. I don’t just fuck and run away. I mean it. You’ve altered my life. Now do you believe I love you? Oh, I’ll be a good husband to Prue, there’s no problem, but I love you as well. I mean it.’

She made a huge effort. ‘You’re just saying you can cope with two women. Well, lots of men can. Or more.’

‘Meaning you can’t cope with two men?’

She didn’t answer.

‘Well, can you or can’t you?’

‘Gavin, you’re bullying me.’

‘All right, and you like it. Have you ever tried to cope with two men?’

‘Yes.’ Why was it so hard, such anathema, to lie?

‘And?’

‘It was tricky.’ She closed her eyes; she did not even want to be reminded. And yet it had worked: she had not gone off Peter at all, merely loved him and pitied him.

‘But you managed it, yes?’

‘Yes.’ She did not know if the image in her head or the image beside her were the stronger.

‘Well, then, what’s the problem?’

‘No problem. Look, you better go in. I’ve a long way to drive and I’m tired. It’s terribly late.’

‘It’s early.’

‘Yes, that’s what I mean.’

‘So come in.’

She was amazed, tempted, disappointed. ‘No, I can’t. You must know I can’t.’

‘This night of all nights we should be together. Who’s closer to Prue than the two of us?’

‘That’s lovely incestuous reasoning.’ She wondered how long she could hold out. Exhaustion beat in her brain.

‘Well?’

‘No, I can’t, Gavin.’

‘He’s got his secretary, you know, all tucked up and warm.’

‘Yes, I know. Thank you for reminding me.’

‘Yeah, I’m mean enough to do that. Amazing, isn’t it? I want you so much, Cassandra.’

‘That’s a frustrated husband talking.’

‘No. I just love you. I really do. You want to know what that means? I like you, I respect you, I want to take care of you, see you never catch cold or get tired, and I want to fuck you blind. What more can I say?’

She had screwed up her face in an effort not to cry. ‘No more, please.’

He leaned across. ‘Is it too much?’

‘Yes, it’s too much.’

‘So will you come in?’

‘No.’

T
HEY MADE
love to celebrate. Sarah thought she had never seen him so happy, and despite all her own joy and relief she felt a twinge of resentment that she had not been able to do that much for him: inevitably it had taken Prue and her baby to restore him to life. Afterwards she was tranquil but empty, as if they had reached the end of something. Their love-making had had a good-bye taste: did he already know what she had to say? She opened her mouth to begin and closed it again. Geoff would call this an ideal opportunity, no doubt, but Geoff did not have to find the right words. She was relieved when Manson spoke instead.

‘Sarah.’

‘Yes.’ Anything to postpone the moment.

‘Darling, I don’t think we can go on.’ He took hold of her hand. ‘I’ve been thinking about it all night. At one point I was even making bargains with God: If You let Prue be all right I’ll even give up Sarah—you know what it’s like when you’re desperate.’ He sounded apologetic; she squeezed his hand. Surprise, relief, even disappointment: all combined to keep her silent. He went on, ‘But it’s more than that. You were right when you said I hadn’t let go of my old life. I haven’t, and I don’t think I can, because Prue is the only reality for me. You’ve been wonderful. I’ll always be grateful to you, but tonight I’d have died, gladly, not just to save her life, that goes without saying, but even to spare her a minute’s
pain. I’d cut off my arm to save her a headache. Does that sound ridiculous?’

He’s embarrassed, she thought, to be telling me how he feels. Was I ever real for him? What did we have, did we imagine it? Was I just Prue, her hair, her skin, when he shut his eyes? Was I ever a person for him, Sarah, myself? But that was selfish. She said, ‘No, of course not, I understand. You want to go back. I thought you would.’

‘Well, I haven’t talked to Cassie yet, but I think she’ll agree. I don’t see that we have any choice. If we’re going to function as a family again, if I’m going to visit Prue and the baby without any tension, well, Cassie and I will have to be together.’

Sarah thought how unloving it sounded, how functional. ‘Yes, of course,’ she said.

‘Prue was right,’ he added. ‘Tonight she—oh, we had a lot of champagne—she made us all make it up in front of her. She even made me shake hands with Gavin. But she was right. I’ll have to accept him or I’ll lose her and the baby. I’ll always be an outsider. I’m sorry, Sarah, but I can’t do it any other way.’

‘No, of course you can’t.’

He turned his head on the pillow to look at her. ‘You’ll be all right, won’t you? You’re so independent. You’ll have a life of your own again, remember? Of course you must stay here as long as you like, that’s understood, but I think I must move out tomorrow. I’ll find an hotel or something. But I can’t talk to Cassie from here.’

She felt her eyes prickle. This is terrible, she thought; I’m not used to good-byes. ‘Well, actually,’ she said, ‘there’s no need. I’ve been waiting to talk to you about that.’

‘S
HE’S LEAVING
tomorrow,’ he said to Cassie on the phone. ‘Apparently some old boy-friend has offered her a job in Frankfurt. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Aren’t you amused? I made such a big effort to tell her I was moving out and it turned out she’d been trying to say the same thing. So of course I said never mind about notice or references, I’d fix all that.’

Cassie was silent. He said anxiously after a moment, ‘Cass, are you there?’

‘Yes. I’m here.’

‘Well, what do you think? Can we try again? I truly did tell her before she told me. I knew before I left the nursing-home that it couldn’t go on.’

It’s Prue, she thought. You’re doing this for Prue.

‘I was wrong to be so upset by your letter,’ he said. ‘You were right to tell me everything. It’s the only way it can work, if we’re both totally honest.’

But it’s too late, Cassie thought wildly. I can never be totally honest with you again. I’ve simply exchanged one deceit for another.

‘I really did tell her first,’ he repeated.

Cassie said, ‘I don’t see that it matters who said it first.’

‘Of course it matters. Surely …’ He stopped; she could feel him thinking how to put it. ‘It means I’m not asking you to try again
because
she’s going. It means I really want to … I really want us all to be a family again.’

You are too honest, she thought, and not honest enough.
Prue broke us up and now Prue brings us back together. That’s all.

He said urgently, ‘I don’t think I ever meant to stay away. And now … well, the other night somehow put everything back in perspective. It’s so much more important than who slept with whom—don’t you agree?’

Cassie thought dully, of course he’s right. It’s the only thing to do. Restore the
status quo
, go on as before, only better, please God. And we do love each other, after all. But he hasn’t said that; he’s said everything else. What’s the matter with me? I’m too old to be dreaming mad dreams. She said, ‘Yes, you’re right.’

He sounded relieved. ‘Take your time, there’s no hurry. I’ll see you tomorrow at the nursing-home, won’t I? We can talk about it then.’

Cassie put down the phone and looked in the mirror. You’re old, she told herself. You have no choice. You’ll never have the strength to go on saying no if you’re alone. But you won’t be alone. People don’t break up marriages like this. It’s too trivial. Marriage and children and stability. That’s what counts. Continuity. Family life. Not the insanity of believing you can fashion the future out of a scrap of the past.

‘W
ELL, SEE
you in a couple of days then.’ Geoff was angry that she was not going with him.

‘Yes, of course. It’s all fixed.’ She smiled to soften him.

‘Pity you couldn’t fix it sooner. You know how I feel about flying alone.’

‘Yes, I know. I’m sorry. But I’ve got packing to do and people to tell.’

‘Like parents.’ He laughed. ‘Well, if yours are anything like mine, which I suspect they are from the way you don’t talk about them, get out first, tell them later. The same goes for him. Don’t let him change your mind.’

‘He won’t. I’ve told you. He’s going back to his wife. Well his daughter really. He’s doing what she wants.’

Geoff smiled. ‘Yes, and he’d have done it anyway. Have you thought about that? If I’d never come back he’d have still left you flat.’

She was shocked by the truth of his hard commonsense, yet also relieved that there was someone around to be tough. Perversely it strengthened her confidence in him. She thought that perhaps the people she wanted were not and never could be the people she needed: they were too much like herself. Together they would all sink in a terrifying swamp of emotion. So her mother and Barbara were right, she had been looking all along for security, not love? Or were they the same thing, and the rest just human weakness?