A Bright Particular Star (53 page)

Then, as he
recounted
some of the
details
of his life in recent years
in an astonishingly matter-of-fact fashion
,
Olivia
’s
eyes
grew round with horror
.
Humbled by his bravery and modesty,
her
admira
tion
for the man before her grew
even as her
he
art ached for
the brutality
he had
been obliged to
witness
in war
,
and in peace
.

“
When I was
dispatched
to investigate the Bath Fox,
little did I expect
that I would lose my heart to the sister of the man I had
to bring to justice,
”
he concluded
, his eyes meeting hers
.
“
I’m
sorry, Olivi
a.
I’m
no hero.
You d
on
’t
need to tell me
you
can never love your brother
’s
n
emesis.
”
His
breath
caug
ht in his throat as he confessed
,
“
I should not
have kissed you
earlier
.
I knew then
nothing could come of it.
Indeed,
I should have asked
long ago to be
removed from the investigation
when
my feelings
for you
were affecti
ng my ability to do my duty
but to do so would hav
e meant being sent away
, and that I found I could not bear.
”

“
And now?
”

He stared
at her, and she saw his hand clenc
h
on the arm of the sofa.
“
M
y he
art will be
forever yours
,
and I
’
ll be in hell from this day
on,
but
you must forget me,
”
he said evenly.
“
I am not the proper man for
you
.
”

“
I
’d
like you to tell me why exactly,
”
she said, a quiver in her voice.

He swallowed hard.
“
Because not
only have I made it impossible for yo
u to love me, but y
ou deserve
so much more than I can give
.
My existence
is
hardly suited to marriage.
I couldn
’t
ask any woman to share it, least of all th
e woman I love more than my
life.
And
,
d
espite
my title
and
contrary
appearances,
I am not a rich man.
The wealth I displayed t
o gain Peregrine
’s
attention
was
provided
for
use
during
my duties.
The reality is
I have to make my own way in the world.
My lodgings in
London
are modest
and m
y estate
,
if it can be called such, is
a
small property in Hertfordshire
, overrun by mice and
in desperate need
of repair.
I have some savings, but th
ere is nothing else
.
No hidden treasure, no wealthy relatives
waiting to leave me
money
.
You see my
father
, a
violent drunk
,
spent years
gam
bling
away the family fortune
before demanding
my brother and I make marriages of c
onvenience to wealthy brides
.
We
had been educated
at home and seen nothing of the world, being
not even
out of our teens
.
Our sister
,
Cecilia
, who was still a child, was too young to be betrothed, but the same fate undoubtedly awaited her
.
We saw how unhappy our mother had been in her arranged marriage, how bitterness and regret had slowly sucked the life out of her and
brought about her
early
death
,
and
we
re
fused.
M
y brother took the brunt of our father
’s
anger
then
as he
had
done
in the past.
Darius
always tried to protect us
.
The
treatment
he received over time
left its mark on him
.
T
hat is
one reason
why
he shuns society
now
.
With Darius
‘s
help,
I
managed to get away
, scraping together enough money to buy a commission and
m
ake a life in the ar
my.
It suited me
…
the private education I had received had laid down habits
of concentration and discipline,
and the hours
spent fencing and shooting
with my brother
were put to use.
Darius sent Cecilia
to
Yorkshire
to
live with a
n
el
derly spinster aunt
.
It was not the ideal situation for a young girl, but at least there
she was
away from our father
’s
influence
.
”

“
What happened to him?
”

“
My father?
He
c
ame to an ignominious end
.
H
e died
some years ago
after falling down the stairs in a dru
nken stupor
.
”

She watched his lips firm
and a muscle throb
in his jaw
.
S
he knew his expressions
and mannerisms
w
ell enough now to know
that
beneath the stern cast of his face he
was striving
to co
ntain a torrent of emotion
.

“
What a sad
childhood you must have endured.
”

He shrugged.
“
No worse than many others.
You don
’t
need to pity me.
”

“
I don
’t
.
I only pity the defencel
ess boy subjected to his father
’s
drunken rages.
Nor do I hate you
for bringing Perry to
justice
.
”

He looked up quickly
.
“
How can you not?
”
he as
ked, incredulous
.

“
Even if Perry was my brother, I could not hate you for doing what needed t
o be done.
It was Perry
’s
fault his ca
rriage went into the canal.
”

I
mmediately
he
latched on to her first words.
“
What do you mean
by
’
even if he was my brother
?
’
”

In
halting speech,
Olivia told him
what she had learned earlier.
“S
o you see,
”
she concluded,
in a constricted voice
,
regarding him wistfully,
“
my life has
changed forever.
You think yourself unworthy of me
, but your situation cannot compare to mine.
A
s Miss Olivia Sloane of Ludstone Hall,
I may have bee
n
unhappy and downtrodden
, but at
least I
enjoye
d some prospects
.
A
s the
illegitimate
daughter of a
lowly
governess
and half-sister to a
thief
and a scoundrel
, I have none.
Who will want to marry m
e?
I have no money, no family
, and no expectation
of being welcomed in s
ociety
.
Where am I
to go?
What am I to do
?
There is nothing to recommend me.
”
She
dipped
her head and a sob rose in her throat
.
“
E
-E
ven before
I knew who you really
are, I accepted
I
could never marry
you, Luc,
not b
ecause I don
’t
love you
—
I
do,
with all my heart and soul
—
but
because w
hatever your financial
situation
and way of life
, you are still
a
gentleman
of
respectable
birth and breeding.
I’m
not fit
to inhabit
your world.
Not
anymore
.
A
nd
I love you too w
ell to drag you down to my level
.
”

Jumping to his feet, he
crossed the distance between them in two swift strides and
pulled her into his arms.
“
D
on
’t
say that
!
Never
say that! You are above and beyond me in every way
.
”

She shook her head
, saying in
to his chest
in
a muffled voice
,
“S
omeday
y
ou
will find a lady
more
suited to your status.
”

“
My status!
”
he
almost
bellowed
, gripping her shoulders hard.
He p
ulled back to search her face with a searing glance
.
“
Olivia, do you imagine such a consideration would weigh with me?
You must know
I don
’t
give a fig
about your parentage.
That is
not
why I cannot marry you!
Y
ou deserve all that is good in
life
—
fine clothe
s, a comfortable home
and a
husband who can
afford to keep you in the manner
you deserve
—
and
the de
vil
of it is
I can
’t
promise you any of those things!
”

She was silent.
At length
she
made a queer little sound, somewhere between a sob and a laugh
.
“
It seems
for different reasons neither of us believes
we are good enough for the other
.
”
Tentatively, s
he raised
her
hand
to
his cheek
and whispered,
“
Perhaps, then, we shou
ld
agree to
fly in the face of
our principles and
confound our
expectation
s.
”