A Changed Life (50 page)

I had finished dressing in my three piece Prada suit that my father had my lawyer John deliver to me. John had encouraged me to write an official statement about the events that took place the night with Nicolette. If questioned by the judge, he wanted me to be prepared.

This hearing was really for Nicolette. She had missed all the pre-trial hearings, and requested to have this private meeting with the judge overseeing her case. The original judge who had been on the case from day one suffered a heart attack, and now has been replaced with a female judge. Her name is Erin Northwick, and I hear she is ruthless, especially in sexual assault cases. My lawyer John, once hearing that Judge Northwick was being assigned to my case, he literally turned puce. I thought he was going to be sick right there in the court room. She takes no pity on the offenders before her, especially men who hurt women, or so I’ve been told.

It’s been nearly seven months, since I have laid eyes on Nicolette. She haunts my dreams every night along with my mother. I can’t seem to rid their images from my mind. I have been sitting here in this cell all these months battling the demons that plague me each and every day. My father hardly visits me, and when he does spare the time, he keeps the conversation curt and short. My father never extends words of encouragement or even taking the time to argue with me.

My father looks like he has aged ten years with me being in here, and of course, he has been battling the negative press about me. My friends have stayed away and Seth has visited me only one time. He told me I disgusted him, and he would never forgive me for what I had done to Nicolette. Seth was my best friend, my only real friend, and now he’s out of my life. If I were to be hung, I’m sure he would be in the front row along with Simon.

Nicolette’s parents along with the prosecutor, and their lawyer presented a strong argument to the new judge to have my bail revoked. Somehow a story was leaked to the press on how I had an arrangement in play to get me out of the country to avoid possibly being sent to prison. Although my father emphatically denied these rumors, the truth remained that he is a very wealthy man, and he has access to private planes, and other means to make me disappear. The judge took this rumor very seriously, and with the strong persuasion from the district attorney’s office, I was only back home for a week before returning to jail.

Whether I was at home or here in jail, I was a prisoner, and freedom was not to be found for a guy like me. I was hiding behind my father, his lawyers, and money. I believe my father only tolerates me, because he has to maintain his public image. He hardly looks at me, and those are the times when I miss my mother the most.

This hearing could possibly seal my fate today and was to begin in thirty minutes. I was waiting on my father and lawyer to arrive. All I heard above my silence was the ticking sound of the wall clock. Finally the door opened, and my father appeared. He asked me to sit down, and not to interrupt him while he talked. Clayton St. Clair was a force to be reckoned with, and rarely people who try to cross him ever got a second chance, and I being his son was no exception. I had made it an art form to fight with my father, always doing the opposite of what he expected of me. We never were this distant with each other while my mother was still alive.

“Michael, is your statement prepared?” He asked me.

“Yes sir, I have written it in the way John instructed me to.” He continued to scowl at me as he went on with his conversation. “Michael, I want you to be fair warned that today may not end well for you. This man hater of a judge could take what Nicolette says, and nail your balls to the wall. I have tried everything in my power to help you. The fact remains that you did what you are being accused of. You raped that poor girl, and every day you sit here and claim your innocence will be your down fall in the end. I should have made you accept the plea bargain right away. Had you done that, maybe this could have been over by now.”

I bolted out from the chair, and turned away from my father. What he said was right, and today was my day to face up to it. “That night with Nicolette, I detached myself from all logical thinking. I was enraged with anger toward you. I hated you so much, because you were once again rejecting me. I never needed to be sent away. What I needed was a
father
!” I shouted out to him. It felt so good to scream and finally face this smug bastard. “Mother dying destroyed us, dad, don’t you see that? The day my mother died was the day you checked out. You stopped being my father when I needed you the most. Why do you think I got into trouble and constantly pushed you to see me? I had no one watching out for me, guiding me with the life lessons I so desperately needed as a kid. You had our house staff be my parents, when it should have been you. Why dad? Do you even know why you abandoned me?” I was out of breath now and it felt so good to finally confront my father. I had nothing to lose at this point. What could he do to me now that he hasn’t done already?

My father walked over to me, slapping my face and sending me crashing into the wall. I wanted to hit him so bad, but I held back. He then grabbed me by the lapels of my suit, and pulled me into him. My father was crying for the first time since I was fourteen years old. He held his strong fists onto my back, and I tried to struggle out of his hold, but he was too strong, and then I just felt my body fall into his.

“I’m so sorry son, I’m so sorry son.” My father released me. I had to take a minute to compose myself, and then I sat and faced him. My father looked broken and defeated. He grabbed my hands, and pleaded with me to look at him, and when I did, he apologized again.

He admitted to me that I had been right all along. He did abandon me, and reject me after my mother died. He wanted to die along with my mother, because to survive without her was too much for him to bear. They had been so in love, and to face a life without her was inconceivable to him. My father never remarried nor dated for that matter. Clayton St. Clair was not an old man, and he had many years ahead of him to enjoy the pleasures of a woman. Someone who could make him happy again, but he only loved my mother Lydia, and she was his other half.

“Michael, every time I look at you, I see your mother. You have her eyes that were once full of life and beautiful. I know I have darkened them with my rejection for my own son. Michael, I’m so sorry if I made you believe that I don’t love you. I could never hate you son, I just couldn’t feel anymore after she died. You never left her side, and I didn’t get the time that I needed with her in the end. I blamed you for that and it sickens me. I blamed my boy for loving his mother; what kind of man does that?” He sat there releasing my hands, and crying into his. I only had minutes left with him before I was to be taken to face the judge, and Nicolette.

I couldn’t even process what was happening to me right now. Here sat my father crying before me, and reciting his sins one by one, and my mind was spinning.

“Michael, I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for the way I have treated you, or even believe what I am saying to you right now. I’m incredibly sorry for hurting you and disappointing your mother. If your mother could see me now, she would be ashamed, and probably turn her back on me forever.”

My father hung his head low, and then I said, “No she wouldn’t have, my mother was the kindest person I know. She loved us and believed there was good in every human being.” With my final words to my father, I finally had broken through the cloudy image that was my dream every night. If there was ever a time to feel my mother’s presence, it was right here in this room.

My father had finally broken down the walls that kept us apart all these years. I needed to forgive my father, and then I needed to face Nicolette. We both stood and my father hugged me again, and telling me he would see me out there. I had about a minute to pull myself together when John had walked in.

“Michael, it’s time.” I nodded, and was led out by a court officer into the court room of Judge Northwick. I looked around not seeing Nicolette yet, only her attorney and the prosecutor.

“Could she have changed her mind?” I leaned in to ask John, he shook his head in response. Nicolette was in the Judge’s chambers as we speak. I asked John, why was Nicolette speaking privately to the judge? John offered me no answers, and instructed me to remain quiet.

My father leaned in, and gripped my shoulders, telling me no matter what happens here today, he will support and stand by me. Any other time, I probably would have told him to go to hell, but today was different. As father and son, we had a breakthrough in our relationship, and I wasn’t going to shut him out now.

Nicolette had entered the court room, and had taken a seat alongside her attorney, never looking directly at me. Judge Northwick entered right after Nicolette, her court officer instructing us to all rise, and Judge Northwick took her seat and we followed suit.

“Good Morning, ladies and gentleman of the court….we are here today to hear an official statement from one Nicolette Elizabeth Vanelle. The testimony I am about to hear will serve in a future trial. The state of California versus Michael St. Clair, for the charge of rape, and or sexual assault under California State Penal Code 243.4.

I have had conversations with the defendant Michael St. Clair, and the victim named in this case, Nicolette Vanelle. I have heard your accounts that took place on the night of December 12
^th
, 2008, and today I will hear from Ms. Vanelle personally, as she delivers her testimony today. Mr. St. Clair, I have in front of me documents pertaining to a plea bargain that has been presented to you by Mr. William Jennings, who represents the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office. You have been given ample opportunity to peruse the document, and discuss your decision to either accept or reject what has been offered by their office. Having said that Mr. St. Clair, I will hear what Ms. Vanelle has to say before signing off on any agreement that has been issued. I will make my final ruling after this morning’s hearing.”

The judge then turns to my lawyer, and the prosecutor, she asks if everyone is clear, and ready to go, they both agree. Nicolette is asked by Judge Northwick to stand before the court at the podium that faces our tables, and in the direct line of me, where I am forced to look at her.

I take several cleansing breaths before I stand, remembering the words of encouragement from Simon, and my family who are waiting right outside of these doors. I glance down at my ring, my beautiful ring which represents my commitment to Simon, and the life we plan to have. I need to close this chapter of my story before I continue the next one with Simon. I take one more breath, and I rise from my seat. I look over to Michael, who has locked eyes with mine. This is the first time I am seeing him since he raped me, and I left the hospital. He appears to be nervous. I straighten my shoulders, and begin to read my statement.

“I would like to thank Judge Northwick, and the officers of this court for allowing me the opportunity to speak here today. At the time of the original hearing, I was abroad recovering from injuries I had sustained from my attack, and then required additional time to heal from an unexpected surgery I needed also in relation to my attack.” I remained focused as I continue with my statement. “I have only lived in the State of California for a little over a year now, and I wish I could say my time here was all good, but I can’t.