A Christmas to Believe In (33 page)

I have to go back to foal out this mare. But as soon as Angel

delivers, I have a little time until the weather breaks enough

to start training..."

A soft smile crept across her mouth.

"I know it's not ideal. I know it's asking a lot of you. You

could meet someone else, someone who has the time to

spend with you. Someone who can give you-"

The rest of his speech died beneath the tender press of her

lips. She kissed him tenderly, the sweet slide of her tongue

against his answering all the unasked questions that

ricocheted through his mind. Easing it to a close, she looped

her arms around his neck and whispered, "I love you. I'll

wait. However long it takes, Clint."

The breath he'd been holding came out in a rush. He

touched his forehead to hers, gathered her against his chest.

Yet when he pulled away to finally confess the feeling in his

heart, what he saw in her gaze twisted a knife into his heart.

Hurt lurked there. Sorrow he'd caused. She'd agreed because

she had no better option.

Knowing only one way to make the heartache lessen, Clint

scooped her into his arms and let their shared desire say all

the words he could not find.

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A Christmas to Believe In

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As the grey light of morning peeked through the break in

Clint's curtains, Jesse opened her eyes to the man who lay in

her arms. His body shuddered in perfect harmony with hers.

Sublime pleasure carried her up, up, up to a plateau so high

she clung to him for fear she'd fall off the edge and plummet

to some horrible fate. Just as she would when he left. As he'd

promised to do when he proposed a long distance affair.

With the way he'd roused her through the night, the way

he stirred her flesh as if he too feared they'd already lost each

other, she should be numb and heady with bliss. It would be

a miracle if the whole household hadn't heard her soft cries,

the calls of ecstasy she couldn't contain no matter how she

tried. Clint knew exactly how to elicit her heart, and last night

he'd made it impossible to believe he didn't share the same

love that consumed her.

And yet, his love for her pained her even more. With his

hesitant request, the full truth of their situation had crashed

into her. She would wait—he'd always hold her heart. But

what had slipped into her consciousness along with the

realization Clint would leave was the damning understanding

she would have to choose. She loved Ethan as much as she

loved Clint. What divided them far more than horses and

Kentucky, cleaved her heart in two. How could she choose,

when without either one of them, half of her would wither and

die?

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Clint dusted his lips along the side of her neck. His

morning stubble grazed her cheek, prickled her swollen

mouth. But his kiss was soft. Intoxicating. The staggering

sensations that carried her adrift ebbed, and she floated down

from her place amongst the stars. She caught Clint's face in

her hands. Held him still to indulge a moment longer.

Their rhythm slowed. Sweat slickened, their bodies

tumbled together in a spent heap. In the silence, their

breaths came in ragged gasps. Jesse snuggled into his

comfortable weight and trailed her fingertips down his spine.

Uneven footsteps approached the door. At Clint's mutter,

Jesse grinned. "Did you lock it?"

His chest heaved with soft chuckles. He shook his head.

"You were half naked when I turned around. What do you

think?"

"I think you better remember to start locking the door."

She'd no more uttered the words when his bedroom door

cracked open. "Honey? Jesse?"

Clint rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. "Yes, Mom?"

"I set clean towels out in the hall for the both of you. Are

you hungry, Jesse?"

Clearing her voice against the awkwardness of talking to

Clint's mother while her son was still nestled deep inside her,

Jesse widened her eyes. "Ah, no thank you. I can...ah...fend

for myself."

"Okay. Well, you two kids know where everything is. The

plows have been busy all morning. Alex came by and cleared

the driveway. I'm going to see if I can get into the drive-thru

at the drugstore real quick."

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Clint's voice blended with Jesse's as they said, "Be

careful."

The door shut, and Jesse gave into a fit of giggles. "This is

weird."

"No shit. She's my mom." He eased himself out of her and

flopped onto his back at her side. "I suppose that was a hint."

Jesse curled into Clint's side and ran her hand over the

broad expanse of his chest. "To get out of bed, or to stop

fooling around?"

He flashed her a wicked grin. "Both." Rolling onto his side,

he propped his head up on one arm. "I'll have you know, she

surprised me by not offering you the guest room last night.

You're the only woman she's ever allowed to stay."

"Really?

Clint chuckled again. With a slow nod of his head, he

skated a hand over Jesse's hip. "She loves you, Jesse." His

fingertips drifted over the curve to her buttocks. Goosebumps

broke out along her skin. She closed her eyes to the feel of

Clint's hand as he meandered over her ribs. When his fingers

settled around her breast, and he gently squeezed, she let

out a gasp. Opening her eyes, she found him staring at her,

his amber eyes dark and intense.

"Kinda like I love you," he whispered.

Her heart skidded to a stop. Unable to breathe, she stared

into his tender gaze and fought off the sudden rise of tears.

Lifting her hand, she brushed her fingertips over his mouth,

ran her thumb across his lower lip.

"The only promises I can make, except that one, are

empty." His voice roughened as he continued, "I'll figure my

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life out, Jesse. I'll get myself on my feet. Maybe it won't be

too late when I do. Maybe it will. But, I promise you, I'll

always love you."

She sniffled, blinked back the tears. They defied her and

slipped down her cheeks anyway. With a swipe of her hand,

she wiped them away and threw her arms around Clint. "It

won't be too late. I'll wait, Clint. It's not what I want, not

exactly no. But I'll wait, if you're convinced you won't let me

help."

"I'm not taking your money. I have to stand on my own, to

respect myself at all."

She nodded against his shoulder. "Okay." Inside, a

thousand protests screamed the reasons he ought to. But she

stifled them, squashed them back into a forgotten corner of

her mind, knowing all too well he wouldn't listen. His damned

pride refused to let him. Stubborn pride that matched his

father's, though Clint would never see the similarity.

"I want Ethan to come spend some time with me. Spring

break maybe."

She drew back with a frown. "He'll never go for it."

"He will if you take away the options. Bring him down. He

and I will work it out. If he needs to land one in my face...

Well, I know where the ice is."

"He'll run off," she argued.

Shaking his head, Clint framed the side of her face with a

thick palm. "No. He won't. He's got the courage to tell me off,

but he's not brave enough to walk away from you. When he

realizes I'm going to keep coming back, whether he likes it or

not, things will change."

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He drew her back into his embrace, held her tight.

"Whatever happens from here," he murmured into her hair.

"Don't you ever doubt how much I love you."

She had his love. Her heart grew wings and soared. Yet

the heights it could have climbed to were blocked by an

uncertain future. He made no commitment to forever. Offered

her no concrete plan to when they might have a life together.

Weeks and months of phone calls, occasional visits, nights

spent longing for the feel of his warmth held no candle to

waking up each morning to the weight of Clint's arm around

her waist, or coming home to quiet nights as a family. Still,

she clung to what he offered. At least it was something. And

his love outweighed all the obstacles.

"I want to take you both to dinner tonight. Think you can

manage that?" Letting her go, he pushed himself upright.

"I'll talk to Ethan. If he throws a fit, will you settle for just

me?"

As he rose from the bed and hauled on his boxers, he

glanced over his shoulder to give her a grin. "That's not

settling." He reached through the door and produced two

fluffy blue towels. With a devilish wag of his eyebrows, he

asked, "Wanna join me?"

"I should get home. Get the house picked up. I'll try

bribing Ethan with some brownies first."

"You can take the truck if you want. I'll walk over in a little

while and check on Angel."

She slid out of the bed and pulled on her clothes. "Why

don't you let me walk home? I think I can remember what

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you had me do the other night when we tested Angel. I'll call

you if the strip looks any different."

His frown said she'd lost her mind. "Don't be silly. There's

snow out there."

"Yeah, and I've done it a hundred times or more before.

There's one field between our houses. I think I can handle it."

"Jesse..." His voice held the warning she shouldn't test

him. "Take the truck."

On a heavy sigh, she sank onto the mattress. "Clint, don't

take this the wrong way. I don't want the truck there when

Ethan gets home. All he'll do is assume you're there, and any

chance of talking to him will be lost. He'll be mad before I

open my mouth."

He considered her words as he studied her face. After

several long seconds of silence, he slowly nodded his head.

"Okay. I don't like it, but okay."

Satisfied she hadn't bruised him too much, Jesse jumped

up and gave his cheek a quick kiss. "Then I'll see you later."

"Be ready by six."

Humming a soft tune beneath her breath, Jesse hurried

down the stairs. Ethan wouldn't be pleased in any respect.

But for this, for Clint, she'd give it a try. And today wouldn't

end before she sucked it up and explained to Ethan why it

was so important to her.

Clint spun the faucets off and shook his hair. He grabbed

at his towel, dragged it down his chest, then paused, his mind

drifting back to his conversation with Jesse. He'd mucked the

whole speech up. Frankly, he shouldn't have said a word.

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What he'd managed to feebly spit out didn't sound as

eloquent as it had in his head.

Worse, with that utterance, guilt clawed into his gut. Jesse

wanted more. Things he couldn't offer. What kind of man

said, "Sweetheart, I've got nothing. I couldn't begin to pay

your light bill. But will you marry me?"

A fool. And he hadn't been raised a fool. He would not start

being one now. In two days, he'd go home and sit down with

Jim. Look at where they could cut back, what they might sell

off that would give him enough to manage the purchase of a

new sprinter and his overhead. He had two promising

yearlings, come January. While letting them go would hit his

checking account hard, it might generate enough to invest in

one, decently running claimer.

Maybe he could turn some of the paddocks into grass and

grow enough to sell quality hay.

There had to be a way. Once he could solve this puzzle,

he'd have all the time he needed to put his energy into Ethan.

Heaving a sigh, he finished drying off and left the shower.

Sure, there was a way. But damned if he could find it.

Clean jeans on, he exited the bathroom for his bedroom.

At his door, however, he ran into his mother. Arms weighed

down with his sheets, she hobbled back a step, her crutches

nowhere in sight.

"What are you doing, Mom?"

He half expected her to quip something ridiculous like she

was searching for Jesse's virgin blood. Good grief, she'd said

she was leaving.

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"I caught Jesse in the drive and gave her a ride home. But

halfway down the road toward town, I couldn't stop. So I

came back. My prescription can wait until tomorrow."

He sidestepped around her, careful not to knock her off

balance. "I'll go get it for you." Reaching for a clean shirt, he

dragged it over his head. "Would you put my sheets down?

I'm old enough to do my own laundry. And stop hovering. I

appreciate it, really. But I need some time in my head."

She looked down her nose, in the classic
mind your