A Clean Break (Gay Amish Romance Book 2) (25 page)

“My mouth,” Isaac insisted.

David didn’t need to be asked twice. Bracing himself with one hand on the floor, he slipped the other beneath Isaac’s head, cradling his skull as he rocked his hips. He watched his shaft fill Isaac’s mouth, and Isaac moaned around him, sending vibrations through David’s balls that ricocheted up his spine.

“Not long,” David muttered.

Isaac stroked his hips and thighs, his fingers stealing around to tease at David’s ass and urge him on. When Isaac choked a little, David pulled back. Isaac’s eyes were watering, but he dug his fingers into David’s hips.

“So close,” David gasped as his balls tightened.

Pleasure filled him in a rush, a wave sweeping through him and stealing his breath. He shook with each pulse as Isaac swallowed. Some of it dripped from Isaac’s lips, and the sight prompted another spurt. He trembled as Isaac licked him clean. “Oh, oh,” he mumbled.

David rolled onto his back beside Isaac, and their chests rose and fell rapidly. Isaac’s tongue darted out to catch the drops he’d missed, and David smiled. He knew they should probably talk about why they’d gotten annoyed with each other, but why dredge it up again? Everything was okay now.

“I should get cleaned up and go to school, and you should get to work.”

“Uh-huh.”

Isaac kissed David’s cheek and pressed against him. “Thank you for everything you do. You’re working so hard. What’s that thing the English people say? Bringing home the bacon?”

David chuckled. “Yes.”

“And the chocolate! I didn’t say thank you for the little present you slipped in my backpack. How did you know Reese’s was my favorite in Red Hills next to ice cream?”

He shrugged. “Aaron mentioned it. It was no big deal.”

Isaac kissed him again. “It’s a big deal to me.”

Here with Isaac, anything seemed possible. David nuzzled his cheek. “Maybe I will come to the movie tonight.” The thought made his palms sweat, but it was time to be brave.

“Really?” Isaac’s face lit up. “It’ll be so much fun. They’ll love you. I know it.”

David wasn’t so sure, but he smiled. After a few moments he groaned. “We should move.”

By the time they were organized and had their shoes on by the front door, Jen walked in. A chunk of her dark hair hung lank around her face, and her smile was halfhearted. “Hey, boys. Have a good day.” She kicked off her shoes and put on her slippers, dropping a stack of mail on the side table.

“Are you okay?” Isaac watched her with concern.

Jen waved a hand. “Yeah. Just a long shift. There was a big accident early this morning with a tractor-trailer.”

“A truck?” David asked.

“Right.” She hung up her jacket in the closet and raised her arms over her head, yawning. Her green scrubs were stained and wrinkled. “I need a shower and sleep. Have a good one.”

“Bye.” Isaac opened the front door, and David followed, freezing when he glanced at the mail on the table. A letter stuck out from beneath a glossy flyer featuring pictures of diapers and toilet paper.

Mr. David Lantz

He’d know Mother’s messy script anywhere. Isaac was already on the steps outside, and David couldn’t get any words out. He watched his hand reaching to pick up the letter almost as if it was someone else’s.

“David? We should get going.”

Eyes glued to the stark white envelope with no return address, David nodded.

“David?”

“Coming,” he said hoarsely. He snatched up the letter and shoved it in the pocket of his coat.

In the drizzle, they walked to the bus stop David used. Isaac said goodbye with a smile before turning toward the next street. The letter in his pocket felt so heavy David was barely able to wave. As he watched the bus approach in the gray morning, he realized his peanut butter sandwich was still on the counter. He didn’t go back.

The single sheet of paper lay crumpled at his feet.

From his perch on the love seat, David could still see Mother’s scratchy handwriting. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t see the full words—he felt as though every one was seared into his mind. He nudged the paper with his toe, watching it skitter across the concrete floor.

To David,

I had not thought it possible to be more disappointed in a son, but you have proved me wrong. I pray morning, noon, and night that you will return to us. Return to your family and community, and most of all to God, who will forgive your sins if you yield to him. You know this is the only way to go to heaven.

I don’t know what has possibly come over you that you would be so disobedient. That you would give in to worldly pride and temptation. I am only glad your Father does not have to bear the shame that I do.

I beg you to find humility again, and return to Zebulon. You have broken my heart.

Your Mother

He’d closed the garage door to the damp morning, and the overhead light felt too bright. The
thump-thump-thump
of Alan’s music pulsed through him, and David stared at the stacks of wood squeezed into the corners, and the tools hanging from the walls.

He wasn’t sure what time it was. He knew that if he called, Isaac would rush over and hold him close. That he could lose himself in Isaac, and forget every one of his mother’s words. At least for a little while.

No
.

David had to be strong. Isaac had school. Isaac was fitting in. Isaac was turning on dishwashers, and making friends. He didn’t need to be dragged down into this. He’d had his own letter already, and it had upset him enough. David pulled out his phone with shaky hands and carefully tapped out a message to Isaac saying he had to work after all and couldn’t make the movie. He hated lying, but it was better for everyone. He didn’t want Isaac to see him like this and worry. An image of Isaac disappearing beneath the waves haunted him.

Wishing he could stop hearing Mother’s voice echo through his head, David scrubbed his hands over his face.  “What did I expect?” He sounded hoarse and strange.

He’d known Mother would never understand why he’d left, and of course she didn’t even really know the reason. He squeezed his eyes shut.

Bear the shame
.

His breath coming short and fast, David commanded himself not to cry as thoughts crashed through his mind—his mother’s horror if she ever discovered his true nature—Mary’s heartbreak made all the more bitterly painful—his younger sisters’ tears of confusion. They’d lost so much already.

If Mother knew just how much shame David could bring to her and their family, she would…he honestly couldn’t imagine how she’d bear it. His love for Isaac would be unthinkable to her. She could never know the truth. None of them could. He’d hurt them enough by leaving, and there would never be the right words to make them understand his nature.

Return to your family and community, and most of all to God, who will forgive your sins if you yield to him.

“I’ll never get to heaven.” He had to accept it, but it still cut so deeply.

Maybe he could see Mother and the girls again in this world, but Father was already lost. He tried to remember Father talking to him about anything but farming or the Ordnung, but failed. That day, Father had chastised him for letting a curse slip out when he’d bashed his thumb with a hammer. David could still hear Father’s low voice booming out, although he wasn’t sure if the years had distorted it and made it sound even harsher in his mind.

“You’ll be on the path to hell if you talk like that! To curse is an affront to God. You know this, and yet still you sin.”

It hadn’t been more than an hour later when David had seen Father collapse amid the crops. His face had been gray already.

Maybe if I hadn’t angered him with my sinning, he wouldn’t have had a heart attack
.

Father’s death had brought David to June, and part of him had liked to believe it was God’s will—a sign that the English world wasn’t so bad after all. A sign that perhaps the Ordnung wasn’t always right, even though Father’s last words to him had been a warning.

Yet still I sin
. Here he was thousands of miles away in a
city
with his lover. He’d broken his mother’s heart and ignored his father’s warnings.

Everything suddenly closed in on him as it had the other night, and it felt as though a flock of birds were trapped inside his chest, their wings battering him. Gasping, David leaned back on the love seat, the certainty that he was going to die choking him as his vision narrowed to a tunnel with only a pinprick of light.

Trembling, David prayed to God for mercy, caught in the grip of the sickness—or perhaps madness. It seemed to go on forever, and he thought the German words, unable to do more than gasp and gulp until the terror passed and he could breathe again, his vision clearing. He felt as though his whole body ached with unshed tears. He was so pathetic. He was going crazy here in the English world.

The little fridge hummed in the corner. Shaking, David crawled to it. The foil on the bottle of champagne tore easily, but it took minutes for his trembling fingers to unscrew the piece of wire. It took some doing to pop out the cork, and the sound echoed dully on the concrete as a few bubbles spilled over his fingers.

Collapsing on the love seat, David tipped the bottle to his lips. The champagne quickly went to his head as he gulped it down. He was fine. He wasn’t going to die. He just needed to be stronger. That was the only thing the matter with him—his own weakness.

David breathed more evenly as the warm buzz filled him, blocking out everything else. He imagined it was how God’s forgiveness might feel.

“
Eighth grade?
”

David took another swig of beer. In the chair beside him, Isaac sipped on his soda, and nodded to a man whose name was…Liam, perhaps? Logan? There were three new people, and they’d rattled off their names, but David wasn’t sure what they were now. He had to pay better attention, but it was so noisy.

“There’s too much work to do on the farm to stay in school longer than that,” Isaac explained.

Across the table, Liam/Logan whistled. “Wow. I can’t even imagine. I’ve seen stuff on TV, and it always seemed so quaint. But to not even get a proper education? That’s like child abuse.”

David shifted in his seat, biting back the urge to defend Amish ways. Of course as time went on, he realized more and more how uneducated he was. But words like
child abuse
rankled. He wished Aaron was there. Aaron would know what to say, but he was arriving any minute with Jen.

“They didn’t
abuse
us. It’s just a different way of life,” Isaac said sharply.

“Of course.” Liam/Logan raised his hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just hard for me to imagine. It was tough enough growing up gay in Sacramento. Gay and Chinese wasn’t a fun combination. When I came here I thought I’d died and gone to queer heaven.” He grinned. “So many men to explore; such little time.”

“We’re together.” David wondered if it was strange that he and Isaac weren’t touching. Glancing around the Beacon, there was certainly a lot of touching going on. He leaned closer and hung his arm around Isaac’s shoulders.

“They’re like high school sweethearts,” Clark added. “Isn’t it adorable?”

One of the other guys—Steve?—spoke up. “Aww. That’s so sweet. I remember my high school bf. His name was Craig. He had the voice of an angel and the ass of a figure skater. We thought we’d be together forever, of course.”

Everyone laughed but David and Isaac. David wasn’t sure why it was so funny. He knew the English often didn’t get married as young as the Amish did, but surely some younger couples stayed together?

His knee jiggling under the table, Isaac fiddled with the cuff of his shirt. He and David had both dressed in jeans and button-downs. Isaac’s was a light blue, while David had stuck to black. After all the years wearing dark shades at home, he knew he should try some more colors, but he felt like he’d blend in better without color.