A Clean Break (Gay Amish Romance Book 2) (32 page)

“David…” Clark shook his head. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“It is! Mother and Mary almost died because I wanted to sneak away with Isaac and have sex. Then I abandoned them all. What kind of a man am I? Now I’ve let Isaac down too.”

Clark reached out his hand, but let it fall. “You can’t blame yourself for the shit that happens in this world. That’s an awful lot of weight you’re carrying around. I don’t know exactly what happened with your brother, but I know you were not responsible for his choices. You’re not responsible for accidents either, or your father’s heart attack.”

“But I should have done more.”

“You did your best. You’re doing your best now. And Isaac isn’t a delicate flower you need to shelter from the storm. You can’t be perfect for him. None of us are perfect. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself.”

David wanted to believe Clark was right. But the doubts still clamored in his mind, whispering that Clark was English and could never understand.

“Sometimes I’m a selfish bitch and I can’t stand myself. David, you’re practically a saint. You’re beating yourself up for being human.”

Could he be right?
David wanted to believe it desperately. “I’ll tell him the truth, and maybe he’ll understand.”

“Well, this Amish forgiveness thing should work for you too, shouldn’t it? He loves you. He’ll probably be hella pissed, but he’ll get over it.” Clark opened the paper bag and popped a donut hole into his mouth. He held the bag out. “Come on, have some sugar. Don’t let me eat all these calories alone.”

David picked a chocolate ball from the bag. “Thanks.”

“By the way, my friend Patrick saw my table and wants to meet with you. I gave him your number. He runs a gallery in the Castro, and he’s doing an installation. Could be a really cool opportunity.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Of course, of course. Your work is stellar.”

David ducked his head. He always tried his best, but it was still nice to hear. “And thanks for coming by. I was feeling pretty bad about it.”

“Not that it helps, but I was feeling rather shit-tastic about it too. Don’t let me or anyone else try to change you, okay?” He shook the bag. “Now eat! I can already feel my spare tire growing.”

Trying to smile, David bit another donut and sipped the coffee Clark had brought him. He glanced at his dark phone, wishing Isaac would hurry up and call. He needed to tell Isaac what had happened, and the longer he waited, the sicker he felt.

“Hello?” David called. He unlaced his sneakers and shook out his jacket on the mat before hanging it in the closet, making sure it wasn’t touching any of the others while it dried.

“In here.” Isaac’s reply sounded far away.

David exhaled at the sound of Isaac’s voice. He’d left the workshop a little past noon, anxious to find out where Isaac was and why he hadn’t called. He hurried into the kitchen, which was practically dark given the gloomy day.

Isaac stood by the sink with his arms crossed. He was practically vibrating with tension, his gaze on the hardwood floor. David’s heart skipped a beat. “Isaac?” He reached out.

But Isaac jolted back, bumping into the counter. “Don’t.”

Frozen in place, David swallowed thickly, dread uncoiling in his belly. “What is it?”

“You know what.” Isaac spoke quietly. He still wasn’t looking at David.

“I don’t. What’s wrong?” His mouth went dry.

“Don’t lie to me.” Isaac shook his head. “I know what you did.”

Sick fear gripped David, and his pulse zoomed. Had Clark told Isaac after all? He must have. “I’m sorry. I can explain.” Hot shame scorched his skin.

Isaac barked a bitter laugh as he flung out his hands. “Can you? Because I don’t understand.” He took a shuddering breath.

“Isaac…” David inched closer. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand this. I thought—” Isaac swiped at his eyes. “I thought you loved me. I told myself everyone was wrong. That we didn’t need to see other people. That we already knew we were meant for each other.” He sucked in a breath that became a sob.

“We do! We are.” David reached out, but Isaac dodged him.

Sniffing, Isaac wiped roughly at his cheeks again. “You know, that first night when we went to the Beacon, I heard Clark talking to someone in the bathroom. I was in a stall, because I was shy about going in front of English people. Stupid, I know. He was on the phone, talking about how there was this hot Amish carpenter he was going to…” Isaac’s nostrils flared. “That he was going to
fuck
. He said it was his new project.”

David felt as though he was underwater, kicking for the surface. “I didn’t know.”

“I told myself not to be jealous because nothing would ever happen. Because I knew I could trust you.” His voice went hoarse. “How could you do that?”

“Isaac, wait.” David was sure he might vomit, this time right on the kitchen floor. “I don’t know what Clark told you, but—”

“I
saw
you! He didn’t have to tell me anything.” Isaac clenched his hands into fists. “Chris got me a fake ID card. I didn’t even think it would work, but they let me in. I was going to surprise you. I looked all over, and I went up on the stairs so I could see better. Then I spotted you.”

David’s heartbeat was so loud he imagined he could hear it like a drum. “Isaac, please. Let me explain.”

“I saw you with him.” Isaac’s shoulders shook, and then he went very still, his face creased with pain. “You kissed him, and he was touching you all over.”

God, no
. “Isaac, he kissed
me
! I didn’t want him to do that. I told him to stop!”

“You didn’t even have a
shirt
on. In front of all those people! I saw you take him to the bathroom. I know what happens in there, David. I’ve seen it on TV in that queer whatever show. I wanted to go in there and scream at you, but…I couldn’t. I ran away instead. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing anything else.”

“He
followed
me! I was trying to get away from him, but he wouldn’t let go. In the bathroom I told him no. I told him to stop. I’m with you, and I don’t want anybody else. Nothing happened. I swear it. Please.”

Isaac was silent for several heartbeats. “I want to believe you. I want to believe you so much, but…” He shook his head. “I guess we were fooling ourselves if we thought we’d never want anyone else.”

It was like a punch to his throat. David croaked, “Do
you
want someone else? Is there…?” Derek and Chris flitted across his mind. Maybe they weren’t straight after all, or maybe there was someone else at school, or maybe—

“No. I don’t. I didn’t think you did either.”

The relief was short-lived. “Isaac, do you really think I cheated on you?” The hurt filled him like it was water in his lungs. “I didn’t. I never wanted Clark to kiss me or touch me. I don’t want him. Not him or anyone else. Nothing else happened in the bathroom.”

“Really?” Isaac whispered.

Tears pricked David’s eyes. “You
truly
think I would be with someone else? That I’m lying to you right now?”

Isaac wrapped his arms around himself, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. “I don’t want to think that. But Derek said—”

“
Derek?
What does Derek have to do with this?” Anger flashed through the shame and hurt.

“Nothing. He came to pick me up from the club, and we talked.”

“You talked about me with him? Lola and Chris as well, I bet.”

“They’re my friends. They want to help.”

David struggled not to shout. “They don’t even know me. Who are they to—”

“You’re right! They don’t know you. Because every time I ask you to come out with us, you say no. You met them once only because you had no choice. Every other time you have an excuse.”

“Work is not an excuse!”
Or maybe it is
. David shook his head. “Money is—”

“Money, money, money! It seems like that’s all you think about now! There are other things, David. Yes, of course you need to make money. But you hide behind it.”

“Maybe I do. But it’s because I don’t fit in here. It’s so easy for you.”

“Easy?
Easy?
” Isaac laughed incredulously. “None of this is easy, David. But I
try
. I learned how to use the internet. I spend time with English people, and sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, but if you ask for help? People give it to you. But you hide yourself away in your workshop—except for where Clark’s concerned, of course. Then you’ll go out.”

“Dylan was there too! You said to go! I didn’t even want to. And I don’t
hide
. I have responsibilities. I need to pay my way. And my family—”

“No. Stop using them as an excuse. Your mother’s married Eli Helmuth now. She and the girls aren’t your responsibility anymore.”

It was true, but David shook his head. “I still owe them after the way I ran. And I can’t just live here in your brother’s house and not pay my way.”

“I understand that. I’d feel the same way. I know I’m lucky that Aaron and Jen want me to go to school for a while before I worry about a job. But they want to help
both
of us.” Isaac scrubbed a hand over his hair, which he’d cut again recently. It stuck up in short spikes. “I’m not saying you’re wrong to work hard. But it shouldn’t be some kind of penance! It’s like you’re not letting yourself enjoy the world because you don’t think you deserve it.”

“I…” He wanted to argue, but the words wouldn’t come.

“I knew you were hiding something. I just never thought…” Isaac wiped his damp cheeks. “I can’t get it out of my head—seeing you with him.”

David closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm the chaos in his mind. He swallowed hard. “That wasn’t what I was hiding. I swear on the Bible that nothing ever happened with Clark until he kissed me last night. And that nothing else happened in the bathroom.”

Isaac sniffed loudly. “What else is there?”

“Sometimes…sometimes I get really upset, and I drink.” Sweat prickled his palms as his words hung in the air between them.

“Drink?” Isaac stared blankly. “But you’re allowed to.”

“I know.” David had to drop his gaze. “But sometimes I sneak from the liquor cabinet.” He motioned toward the dining room.

Isaac shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“Sometimes it’s like I can’t stop worrying, and I feel like I’m dying.”

“What?” Isaac stepped closer, his face pinched in concern. “
Dying?
What do you mean? What do you worry about?”

“Home. My family. Money. Taking care of you. Everything, I guess. When it gets too much I drink, and things go…quiet. It all fades away.”

Isaac took this in. “That’s what you did when you got up last night, isn’t it? I wanted to yell and scream at you. I was lying there waiting, but I…I don’t know. I was scared. If I told you that I saw you, it would make it real. I was afraid of what you’d say.”

“I wanted to tell you what happened. But I was afraid too. I drank instead.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me about this before now?” Isaac asked in a small voice.

“I didn’t want to worry you. I want you to be happy. You’re doing so well at school. It wasn’t fair to burden you.”

“
Burden
me?” Isaac’s voice rose. “I’m not a child, David. I thought you trusted me the way I trusted you. I thought we trusted
each other
.”

“I do trust you. Of course I do!” David grasped Isaac’s hand. “Please—”

Isaac tore his hand away. “I can’t.”

It was like the icy waves of the Pacific crashed over him, and David swallowed hard over acrid bile.

“I want to believe you about Clark, but I keep seeing you with him in my head. I don’t know what to think about any of this.” Fresh tears shone in his eyes. “I think I need to be alone right now.”

Isaac’s words were blades. Backing away, David nodded dully. He put one foot in front of the other, and shoved them into his shoes. He shut the door behind him and walked into the city, hoping it would swallow him whole.

The bottle was empty.