A Clean Break (Gay Amish Romance Book 2) (31 page)

David shook his head. “I don’t want that. I don’t want you. I love Isaac. Maybe we’re stupid and naive, but he’s the only one I want to be with.”

Clark huffed. “Fine. It’s your loss. Go home to your little boyfriend and your awkward fumbling. I’m bored now anyway.” Sneering, he turned on his heel and stalked out.

Bile rose in his throat, and David stumbled to the far sink. He scrubbed at his hands and splashed cold water on his face. The mirror was streaked and spotted, and when he looked at himself through the mess—shirtless and sweaty, his eyes too bright—he was a stranger. His lungs constricted.
Air. Need air
. He somehow got his legs to run.

When he burst outside, he stumbled against the brick wall, gasping. It was happening again—needles stabbed him all over and everything went blurry. He was alone and he was dying. His heart was exploding, and there wasn’t enough air. He scraped his hands across the brick.

“Hey now. It’s okay, kiddo.”

It was a woman’s voice, and David felt strong hands rubbing his shoulders.

“Just breathe. That’s it.”

The woman kept talking, and David concentrated on her voice until the danger faded, and he was able to straighten up and turn. He shook. “I…” His tongue couldn’t seem to make words.
There’s something wrong with me
. The fear swelled again as he finally allowed himself to consider going to a doctor to find out what it was.
What if I’m sick? What if I’m dying? What if I can’t take care of Isaac anymore?

He braced himself on the wall as he vomited on the cracked pavement, splashing the tips of his shoes. His stomach heaved, and he didn’t fight it. When it was over, he spit and wiped his mouth with a shaky hand. Maybe he should talk to Jen about what was wrong with him, but the thought made him want to curl up and die. He had to be stronger. Better. He spit forcefully.
Father would be ashamed of how weak I’ve become
.

“That’s it. Get it out.” The woman wore a very short skirt, and was exceptionally tall with broad shoulders. Her curly blonde hair hung down her back, and she smiled with shiny red lips. “You’re okay, hon. Rough night, huh?” She handed him a tissue. “You overdo it with booze?” She raised a narrow eyebrow. “Or something more?”

He shook his head and spit on the ground again. Cringing, he realized the man they called the bouncer was swaggering over. David wiped his mouth and blotted clumsily at his shoes.

“We’re fine here, Ricardo.” The woman made a motion with her hand. “Shoo.”

Ricardo raised an eyebrow. “I don’t want the cops here for an OD tonight, Shonda.”

“It’s all under control.” She raised two fingers. “Scout’s honor.”

As Ricardo returned to the door, Shonda reached into her low-cut shirt and took out a pack of cigarettes that must have been tucked into her bra. She offered him one, but he shook his head. David tugged on his undershirt, realizing Clark had the ticket for his jacket and button-down. Quaking, he wrapped his arms around himself. The horrible aftertaste in his mouth made him queasy all over again.

“Have money to get home?”

David nodded. Thank the Lord he’d kept his money in his pocket. “Thank you,” he croaked.

“Know where you’re going?”

He nodded again. He’d memorized the bus route, and through the haze in his head the names and numbers were still there.

“Okay. Be safe, darlin’. Don’t let the bastards get you down.” Shonda inhaled deeply on her cigarette before grinding it beneath the toe of her huge boot. She disappeared back into Volume.

By the time David made it onto the bus, he was freezing, and he curled into himself. Again he felt like all eyes were on him in his undershirt, and shame seared his gut.
What did I do?
He dragged his hand over his mouth, wishing he could spit out the hint of cherry he swore he could somehow still taste amid the acidy remnants of his vomit. His skin crawled where Clark had touched him.

Maybe this was what some gay men did, but David didn’t want it. He couldn’t deny that for a moment it had felt good, and he’d never hated himself more—not even when he’d first realized he desired other men the way he should lay with a wife. That he wanted to rut with other men the way the animals in the barn did.

But being touched by Clark hadn’t made his heart soar the way even a brush of Isaac’s fingers could. Or the way seeing a glimpse of Isaac’s smile could make David’s worries vanish. The way his name sounded on Isaac’s lips when they were inside each other. It was more than just bodies rutting together. It might feel good in the moment with other men, but what he had with Isaac was so much more. If that meant he wouldn’t fit in with people in the city, he didn’t care.

David ran from the bus stop, desperate to see Isaac. It was late, and he tiptoed inside the sleeping house, yanking off his shoes and hurrying up the stairs. But when he edged open the door to their room, the bed was empty. David dug his phone from his pocket, but there were no messages. The movie must have gone late, or maybe they’d gone out afterward to eat.

He wished fervently that he’d gone with them. He’d be with Isaac now, and Clark would never have touched him. He tugged at his clothes, shoving them into the bottom of the white wicker hamper in the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and gargled four times with minty mouthwash before climbing into the shower.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood under the hot spray, but it must have been quite a while, because Isaac was in bed with the lights off when he emerged. David’s shoulders relaxed at the sight of him. Isaac was home. Everything was all right.

Carefully, he slipped under the covers on his side. The blinds were closed, and he could only make out the outline of Isaac’s body. He was turned on his side away from David, unmoving. For a long moment, David listened for his breathing.

“Isaac?” he whispered. He reached for him, but drew back his hand at the last second. There was no answer, so Isaac must have been asleep after all. As much as David ached to feel him near, he didn’t want to wake him.

With a sigh, he looked at the outline of Isaac’s body, wishing he could see Isaac’s face—his lips inevitably parted in sleep, eyelashes sweeping over his cheeks, and freckles beautiful over his nose.

Tears filled David’s eyes. Part of him wanted to wake Isaac and confess it all. Beg his forgiveness for letting Clark touch him, even for a moment. He shouldn’t have had that many drinks. He shouldn’t have gone to the club at all. What had he been thinking? It was all his fault.

In the end David crept downstairs and poured just a bit more vodka. A voice in his mind warned that it wasn’t right—something in him was tipping out of control. He resolved to deal with it tomorrow. But tonight he needed to sleep, and he finished the glass. When he crawled back into bed, he was careful not to jostle Isaac, who was still curled away on his side in a tight knot, unmoving.

David listened, and a wave of certainty that Isaac wasn’t actually sleeping washed over him.
Maybe I should tell him now
. The silence in the room felt unbearably heavy, and David listened to a car drive by, rattling into the distance. He opened and closed his mouth several times as he tried to think of the right words.

Finally, he rolled onto his side and let the vodka do its work.

“Knock, knock.”

David looked up to find the last person he wanted to see in the garage door. He’d opened it to keep from choking on sawdust, even though he was shivering in the foggy chill.

He regarded Clark with what he hoped was a stony expression, and didn’t greet him. It was still early, although when he’d woken, Isaac had surprisingly been gone and the house empty. He’d thought about going back to bed, but had liked the idea of escaping to his wood and work. He and Isaac usually spent Saturdays together, but apparently Isaac had other plans—plans he hadn’t shared.

Clark stepped inside. His hair was damp and flat, and raindrops clung to his long coat. His face was drawn, his cheeks blotchy, and he didn’t appear to be wearing any of his makeup. David had never seen him look as old.

“I have your jacket, and I’m getting your shirt dry cleaned.” Clark unfolded the jacket from over his arm and hung it on the hook by the door before holding up a cardboard tray. “Coffee?”

“No. If you’ve come about the chairs, I’m shipping them this afternoon.” He nodded to the stack in the corner, carefully wrapped in the plastic bubble paper.

David glanced at his phone, which still sat silent and dark on the table. It wasn’t like Isaac not to respond to his texts, which took too long to type with his clumsy thumbs. But he tried not to worry about it—not yet, anyway. Isaac and Aaron had probably gone out to spend some time together. Why should David mind? Still, he wished Isaac would reply.

With a sigh, Clark put the tray of coffee on the table, along with a paper bag that smelled of pastries. “I’ve come to apologize.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I was a real ass last night. As you know.”

David wasn’t sure what to say, so he waited.

“I acted completely inappropriately, and I’m sorry. I know better than to pull something like that. I mean, shit—you’re my best friend’s little brother-in-law’s boyfriend.” He grimaced. “I love her, and Aaron. And you and Isaac are their family, and you’re both great guys. I was so far out of bounds I couldn’t even see the line. It won’t happen again.”

David needed to say something. “I thought you were my friend. I thought you were
our
friend.”

Clark winced. “I know. I have no excuse. None.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Why do I do half the things I do?” Clark snorted ruefully. “The truth is, as much as I flirt with almost everyone, I’m genuinely attracted to you.”

David didn’t know where to look or what to do. He crossed his arms over his chest and examined a pile of wood shavings. “I don’t…I’m flattered, but…”

“It’s okay. I know you don’t feel the same way. I’ve always known that.” He smiled sharply. “The problem is that I don’t like not getting what I want. Especially after too many cocktails. I shouldn’t have gone after you like that. You’re just a kid, and I’m…” He curled his lip. “I’m old enough to know better.”

David wasn’t sure how to respond to this somber version of Clark. He hated what Clark had done, but he seemed genuinely contrite.

“When I was your age I was fucking every guy who looked at me twice. And it was fun, don’t get me wrong. Still is.” Clark picked up the paper bag and unrolled the top before rolling it again. “But you and Isaac are different. God, you’re both
babies
, but anyone can see how much you care about each other. You both have hearts in your eyes, and I should never have tried to get between you. I just wanted sex, and it was unbearably selfish. You’re such sweet kids, and you deserve better. I hope…well, I hope you’ll give me another chance to be a better friend.”

David took this in, and after a few more moments he nodded. “I will.”

Clark’s mouth opened and closed, and he gaped. “
Really?
”

“Yes. I forgive you.”

Blinking, Clark stood up straighter. “Just like that?”

“Yes.” He shrugged. “You’re sorry for what you did, and you want to make it right. So I forgive you.”

“Is this an Amish thing?”

David smiled softly. “I guess it is.”

“Because if you never talked to me again I wouldn’t blame you. Or Isaac. I should apologize to him too. Ugh, I’ve been a condescending prick to him more than once.”

“No—don’t. I mean, for that, yes. But don’t tell him about last night.” The thought of Isaac knowing Clark touched him made bile rise in his throat. “I don’t want to upset him.” He picked up his phone and pressed the button. There were no new messages, just the picture of he and Isaac laughing at the wharf the day they saw the sea lions. Isaac had somehow put it on David’s screen.

“Whatever you want—it’s your call. It really won’t happen again. I promise.” Clark thwacked his palm to his chest. “Hand on my heart. The way I acted was totally gross, and I’ve learned a very important lesson. NBC could make a One to Grow On about it. But don’t worry. My lips are sealed.”

David stared at their smiles in the picture on his phone. He had no idea what Clark meant about something to grow on, but it didn’t matter. The knot in his chest ached, growing larger with every breath. “No. I have to tell him the truth. I have to tell him. I should never have gone to that club without Isaac. I should have known better.”

Clark’s brows drew together. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. It was all me. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You don’t understand. I didn’t take care of my family when I was supposed to, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let anything happen to Isaac. Now look what I’ve done.”

Clark was still frowning. “David, no one’s perfect. You’re doing your best.”

“It’s not good enough!” he shouted. Taking a breath, David tried to calm his racing pulse. He couldn’t lose control again. He lowered his voice and swallowed hard. “If I’d done something, my brother wouldn’t have taken drugs and died, and we wouldn’t have had to move to Zebulon. Everything was harder and stricter there. Then my father had a heart attack, and I couldn’t save him. I was the man of the family, and it was my job to keep my mother and sisters safe. But I was selfish, and I ran away.”