A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction (4 page)

Sexual Compulsivity and Intimate Sex Are Not the Same

Compulsive or addictive sex is not the same thing as natural loving sex. Compulsive sexual behavior occurs when the natural drive to connect sexually (and the pleasure associated with that connection and activity) becomes subverted and is used as an avoidance or simply a release rather than as an expression of intimate connection. Sexually compulsive behavior can occur in sexual contact with a committed partner, but most often it is indulged in and acted out either with images (generally pornography) or with live people. Compulsive sex is not training wheels for intimate sex. A man who regularly and compulsively looks at porn and masturbates is not increasing his capacity to connect intimately and sexually with his partner.

The experience of intimate sex is based on a connection born of vulnerability, trust (built through honesty), and compassionate connection. We regularly counsel that the primary ingredients required for moving from sexual compulsion are the desire to stop the sexually compulsive behaviors and the willingness to build trust and vulnerability with your partner through undefended honesty. We will address the building of these skills in the chapters that follow.

The first thing you need to do is stabilize your relationship, which has been damaged by sexual compulsivity. This stabilization will help your connection remain afloat while you navigate these troubled waters. This is your immediate first aid. We encourage both of you to read what we have to say to each of you. No matter which side of what can appear to be a very wide and deep chasm you find yourself standing, no matter which of you has been caught by sexual compulsivity, this information can be helpful to you right now.

For Her Right Now: Accepting Your Emotions

While deeper understanding takes time, it’s important to understand right now that whatever has happened, whatever your partner is doing or has done, you did not cause it. It is not your fault. You certainly may have done something (inadvertently or even deliberately) that has caused your partner to feel unhappy, uncomfortable, angry, or afraid. You quite probably have bumped into some tender emotional places in him and that particular contact has caused him to feel the full brunt of a reaction he does not want to feel. This does not mean that you are responsible for the way he has chosen to deal with his discomfort. You actually do not have the power to make that kind of a choice for your partner. In a way, that may be a relief!

Your partner’s sexual compulsivity is not about you, but you are deeply affected by it; it impacts you directly. However, you cannot mend the pieces inside your partner that are preventing his lack of ability to connect to you intimately. The repair he needs to do will be an “inside job,” meaning it must happen within. Even if you may want to, you cannot do it for him. You may support and witness his healing, but he will do the mending of his capacity to connect intimately with you.

Although you cannot directly change him, this does not mean you aren’t involved. You are involved. This is personal. It is not possible for you to feel otherwise. What you can do is communicate your hurt clearly and without attack.

One of our clients, after her husband lost his job because he was arrested for soliciting prostitutes in the company vehicle, threw her wedding ring off the Golden Gate Bridge. Perhaps you have reacted in a similarly expressive manner. Many women simply don’t know how to respond. They report feeling frozen or numb. They don’t want their relationship to end, but they know the relationship they now have is not workable.

Whatever your initial response, it does not predict the future of your relationship. It may seem surprising, but the woman who threw her ring off the bridge ultimately forged a new and more intimate relationship with her husband.

You are absolutely correct in your feeling that he is taking his sexual energy outside of your relationship. This is a betrayal even if it does not involve others. Although it is generally easier to work through the betrayal that occurs with compulsive use of pornography, the intimacy that you would like to have with your partner is not available to you when he is indulging in
any
manner of sexual compulsivity.

To the extent that you can be compassionate with yourself for whatever you may be feeling, you will also be able to be compassionate with your partner. Lovingly and gently allowing yourself to feel your hurt benefits both of you and your relationship. This does not mean you have permission to demean him in the name of “sharing your feelings.” However, you should allow yourself to deeply experience whatever it is you are feeling. Even though there may be a multitude of strong feelings and emotions, and even though it may seem that you cannot withstand your feelings, we want to assure you that you can.
Chapter 7
directly addresses how to work with your strong feelings and emotions.

You do not need to rush to get over your experience of betrayal. There is no timeline for resolving your feelings. We have seen that attempting to keep yourself from feeling your painful reactions can actually prolong them.

What counts now, more than ever, is trusting what you think and feel. This may be a crash course in learning to trust yourself. You don’t need to do what you don’t want to do. You don’t need to become a porn substitute. You do not need to be sexual if you do not want to. You can ask clearly for what you need during this time without criticizing or condemning your partner. It can be helpful to keep in mind that he is hurting, too. What he has done is unacceptable, but this does not mean that he is unacceptable.

For now, you may find it comforting to be able to monitor his e-mail accounts, computer access, cell phone calls, or other portals that he has used to indulge his sexual compulsivity. If this would create a greater sense of safety for you, then ask for it. However, in the long run, you do not want to set yourself up to be viewed by your partner as his supervisor, or as the sexual or porn police. Since you cannot cure or fix your partner, we generally advise that you not become an overseer of his activities. Besides, we have found that monitoring in this way doesn’t work. Most of the sexually compulsive men we have worked with can figure out how to get around any filter, barrier, or other monitoring system if they want to. Just know that, ultimately, what you really want and need is intimacy; and that intimacy will be built through honesty and vulnerability—of both partners.
Chapter 8
deals more specifically with the importance of rebuilding trust through undefended honesty.

Finally, hold whatever compassion you can muster for yourself and for this issue in your relationship—the problem will not end overnight. Whatever your reaction is, whatever feelings come up for you, however you may respond, you have the capacity to work with your feelings and emotions. You may respond by feeling the need to be alone, to be in nature, or to express. However you have responded so far, even if it has not been pretty, forgive yourself.

We have seen over and over again how moving through the blockages to intimacy that are revealed by healing your relationship (although at times extremely rocky and challenging) can bring your relationship back from what may appear to be certain disaster. Healing can take place in all kinds of circumstances— as evidenced by the following story of Julia and Kyle. While this story tells of a wife’s reaction that we put into the category of “do not attempt this at home,” we share it with you so you can see how even a relationship that appears to be beyond repair can come back from the brink.

Julia and Kyle

Having been married twice before, Julia was determined that her marriage to Kyle would fare better than her previous attempts. Julia knew that Kyle liked porn and that he had brought a very large box of porn videos with him when they moved into their new home. However, she had thought they could look at the videos together and it might be fun. After several months, Julia realized that Kyle was not very interested in watching the videos with her or even in having sex with her.

Kyle would tell Julia he was tired, yet she saw that he had energy to work, golf, go bowling, and play baseball. She began finding pornographic materials where he had tried to hide them in the bedroom. He complained that she didn’t go out very much and he wanted more privacy. Julia realized that he wanted more privacy so he could masturbate to porn.

Julia even heard from a mutual friend who said that Kyle had called him one night and said, “I don’t know what to do. Julia wants me to have sex with her and won’t leave me alone.” The mutual friend had responded, “Your problem is that your wife wants to have sex with you?”

The friend did not understand the grip of sexual compulsion, and how it was not allowing Kyle to glimpse the possibility of intimate, connected sex with his very real wife. Those porn videos were Kyle’s “girlfriends.” He knew they would never criticize him or let him down.

As Kyle grew more distant from Julia, she knew their relationship was slipping away, but she felt powerless. Julia’s frustration—including sexual frustration—with Kyle continued. She felt like she was competing with the porn videos. Whenever she complained to Kyle about the videos, she felt that he just tuned her out. She felt as if nothing she could do or say was getting through to Kyle.

One night after Kyle had gone to bed after making more excuses for refusing sex with her, Julia finally had had enough. She gathered up all of Kyle’s pornographic videos, which filled a huge box. She dragged the box into the garage and dumped it on the concrete floor. She found a hatchet they used when camping and hit the videos until they began to break apart. Her frustration poured out as she kept smashing the videos into smaller pieces.

Although she had no prior plan, Julia next gathered up the pieces and put them into all the things she felt Kyle loved more than her. She poured pieces into his bowling bag, his golf bag, his baseball-equipment bag, and then finally she filled his car with chopped-up porn videos.

Julia’s actions got Kyle’s attention, even though her way of doing so was rather drastic. They began counseling, and each of them was slowly able to gain more perspective on how to build true intimacy. They were able to begin to communicate more openly and honestly. Kyle was able to share that he had interpreted Julia’s request for sexual intimacy as Julia saying he was not doing a good job or he was “not enough.” He was able to see that his connection to the porn was actually preventing his developing sexual intimacy with his wife. He was able to see how it was easier and more comfortable for him to masturbate to porn rather than deal with Julia’s real relationship requests or what he considered her criticisms.

Julia realized that she needed to look at her fears of relationships failing, which were a reflection of self-esteem issues. Together, they were able to see how each of their behaviors influenced the other person and contributed to the issues between them. Kyle had to first be willing to look at his compulsive use of porn and to seek support in learning how to move from compulsive sex to intimate, connected sex. The bond of their relationship was strong enough for each of them to be willing to look at how they were negatively impacting each other. The willingness they each had was the basis for the courage needed to build true vulnerability, trust, and intimacy. As they say, it takes two to tango. And they were finally learning to dance—with each other.

For Him Right Now: Acknowledging What Has Happened

Imagine for a moment what it would be like if the roles in your relationship were reversed. What if your wife was constantly searching for porn sites where the men had sexy, muscled bodies? What if she was masturbating to those images? How would you feel if you found out your wife was paying younger men to have sex with her, either virtually on the Internet or in person? Would you doubt your masculinity? Even a little bit? Or maybe a lot? Would it change how you felt about the possibility of having sex with your wife?

What if she had told you many times that she was going to stop, but only now was she declaring that her marriage to you was what mattered and she would really stop this time? What if, after all her confessions, you found out some truths that she had not told you? Perhaps she had not revealed the hundreds or even thousands of dollars of the family’s money she had spent on attempting to fulfill her sexually compulsive behavior.

Even if you have stopped acting out sexually, what you did before is not going to be forgiven overnight, and it may never be forgotten. But it happened, so the best thing for you to do is stop denying the extent of the problem, both to yourself and to her. How would you feel if you learned she had been lying to you, possibly for years? If she was the sex addict who was lost in sexually compulsive behavior and, as a result, was out of touch in your relationship, how easily could you confide in her, trust her, and share your real feelings with her?

Committing to Reality—Not Fantasy

What you need to know right now is that it is possible to move beyond what has happened and work toward solidifying your relationship with the woman in your life. But you need to be honest with yourself. The real question is, do you want to stop living in fantasies with fantasy women or do you want to experience intimacy with a real woman?

We know how difficult it is to stop. Do you know the one big difference between men who continue to act out sexually and men who have positive intimate relationships with the women in their lives? The men who act out live in fantasy and the men who experience intimate relationships live in reality. The adult entertainment industry, the prostitutes and strip club dancers, all feed on your fantasies. That’s why you can never get enough. That’s why you’re never really satisfied. It’s not real.