A Cousin's Prayer (20 page)

Katie’s stomach churned, and her mind spun in circles. The only way she could get help for Mom was to go over to the Andersons’, their closest English neighbors. It was too far to walk, and she knew she couldn’t take the time to hitch a horse to the buggy, so she decided to ride her bike over there.

She left the phone shed and raced back to the stamp shop. Mom was slumped over the table, looking even paler and more shaken than she had before.

Katie grabbed another towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around Mom’s hand. “The phone’s dead, so I’m going to bike over to our neighbor’s and get help.”

Mom nodded. “Schnell, Katie. Schnell!”

Katie yawned and rolled out of bed. Dark still covered the window, but she needed to get up. She’d gone to bed early last night, exhausted after the ordeal with Mom’s hand. Mom’s thumb had required several stitches, and she’d been given a tetanus shot, but there was no permanent damage, and Katie was grateful. She’d been so concerned about Mom that she hadn’t even been nervous when she’d ridden her bike to the Andersons’ place. Peggy Anderson had given Mom and Katie a ride to the hospital, and while Mom was getting her hand worked on, Katie had waited and prayed. The whole ordeal had made Katie realize all the more that she needed to practice doing the things she was afraid of, regardless of whether she had a panic attack or not.

Katie had set her alarm clock to go off at four, knowing her folks wouldn’t be up until six. She figured that should give her enough time to hitch her horse to the buggy and go out on the road for half an hour or so. There wouldn’t be much traffic, and she hoped that would help her not to be quite so nervous.

Katie padded across the room, pushed the curtain aside, and opened the window. Outside, everything was calm and still. Stars twinkled in the sky, crickets sang, and a gentle breeze caressed her face. God seemed very near. Surely He would see her through the coming days.

Filled with a sense of peace she hadn’t known in many months, Katie hurried to get dressed and slipped quietly from her room. She tiptoed down the stairs, being careful not to step on any that squeaked.

When she reached the first floor, she ducked into the kitchen and took one of the homeopathic tablets for calming. Then she grabbed a flashlight and opened the back door.

The sky was still dark, but the moon shone brightly, so she didn’t need the flashlight until she got to the buggy shed. Being careful not to make too much noise, she opened the door and pushed one of their smaller open buggies into the yard. Then she hurried into the barn to get Dixie, their gentlest mare.

By the time Katie had the horse hitched to the buggy, her hands had begun to shake. This was going to be a lot harder than she’d thought it would be.

“You need to face your fears,”
Dr. Coleman had said during one of her counseling sessions.
“Don’t avoid situations where you’ve had a panic attack before.”

Katie leaned against the buggy, closed her mouth, and inhaled slowly through her nose, pushing her stomach out like Dr. Coleman had instructed her to do. Then she opened her mouth and exhaled by pulling her stomach in. “I’m afraid, Lord,” she whispered. “Help me overcome these horrible panic attacks. My future looks dark and impossible, but I know You are with me.”

A verse of scripture she’d read before going to bed popped into her head.
“What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.”

My choice to trust God will help calm my feelings of fear,
Katie told herself.

Two more verses came to mind:
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”—Philippians 4:13;
and
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid”—John 14:27.

A sense of calm stole into Katie’s heart again. It was the same peaceful feeling she’d had in her bedroom. Surely God wouldn’t forsake her. She needed to trust Him and keep asking for strength and courage.

Katie opened the flap on the driver’s side of the buggy so she’d have plenty of fresh air, climbed inside, and took up the reins.

There’s nothing to be afraid of. With God’s help I can do this. I’ll just go as far as I feel comfortable,
she told herself.
If I start to panic, I can turn around and come back home.

In Katie’s mind’s eye she pictured the Lord gathering her up in His strong arms. He loved her. He cared for her. He was here with her now.

Katie felt more confident as she guided Dixie down the driveway, but when she came to the road, her heart started to pound and her hands grew so sweaty she could barely hang on to the reins.

“Stop it! Stop it! Stop doing this to me!” she shouted.

Katie mentally shook herself. That was the wrong approach. What was it that Dr. Coleman had suggested she say and do? When she was frightened like this, it was hard to think.

Oh yes, now I remember.
“Panic attack, you can’t control me anymore!” she shouted. “Go ahead and do your best!”

Katie’s horse whinnied and twitched her ears.

“It’s all right, Dixie, I’m not hollering at you.” Feeling a little more relaxed, Katie clucked gently to the horse and eased her onto the road.

They’d only got a short ways when Katie noticed a blinking light on the shoulder of the road to her right. She hadn’t expected to see anyone on this stretch of the road in the wee hours of the morning. As her buggy drew closer she realized it was their English paperboy delivering the morning newspaper on his bike. She’d only met the young man once, when he’d come to the house to collect the money he was due. Katie didn’t know his name but figured from his youthful appearance that he was probably in his late teens or early twenties.

“You’re out early. Where are ya headed?” he called to her.

“Just taking a ride.” She flicked the reins and got the horse moving faster. There was no time for idle chitchat. Especially not with someone she barely knew.

As Katie continued down the road, things went along fairly well. She felt more relaxed driving the buggy than she thought she would. Maybe there was some hope of her living a normal life without fear of panic attacks.

She relaxed against the seat, enjoying the cool, early morning breeze.

Ribet! Ribet!
A chorus of frogs serenaded her.

When the sun peaked over the horizon, Katie decided it was time to head for home. Since things had gone so well, she thought she might take the buggy out early every morning this week.

She turned up their driveway, put the horse and buggy away, and entered the house just in time to see Dad step out of his and Mom’s room.

“I’m surprised to see you up and dressed already,” he said, passing her in the hall.

“I woke up earlier than usual this morning,” Katie replied. Did Dad suspect that she’d been outside? She hoped he wouldn’t question her further.

“Since you’re up already, would you mind putting the coffee on?” he asked. “Your mamm’s still getting dressed.”

“Sure.” Katie picked up the coffeepot and filled it with water from the sink.

“Guess I’ll head outside to do my chores,” Dad said.

“I’ll have breakfast ready when you get back,” Katie called as he went out the door. She breathed a sigh of relief.

As Katie headed for the stamp shop later that morning, she stopped in the garden, bent down, and plucked a leaf from one of their mint plants. She rubbed the leaf between her fingers, relishing the sharp aroma. She hadn’t noticed things like this in such a long time.

She turned, closed her eyes, and stood with her face lifted to the sun. It felt good to be alive.

A horse whinnied, and Katie opened her eyes just in time see Ella’s buggy come up the driveway, headed toward the stamp shop.

Katie hurried to the shop and stopped just outside the door to wait for Ella.

“How are things with you?” Ella asked. “Are you still seeing the counselor at the clinic once a week?”

Katie nodded and smiled. “Freeman’s been riding with me, and that’s helped me feel more confident about going.”

Ella’s brows puckered. “Are you in love with him?”

“’Course not. Why do you ask?”

“You got a dreamy-eyed look on your face as soon as you mentioned his name.”

“I did not.”

“Jah, you did.” Ella poked Katie’s arm. “Does he feel the same way about you?”

“He sees me as a friend, nothing more.”

“That’s good, because from what I’ve heard, Freeman’s been going out with Eunice, and after talking to her the other day, I realized that she’s convinced that she and Freeman are going steady.”

Katie shrugged, but her skin prickled. “What’s that got to do with me?”

“It could have everything to do with you if you’re in love with Freeman.”

“I’m not.”

Ella gave Katie’s arm a light tap. “You do like him, though, don’t you?”

“I like him as a friend.” Katie quickly opened the door to the stamp shop, needing to change the subject. “Let’s go inside so you can buy whatever you came here for.”

Freeman pulled out his set of tools to begin working on a bike, but he hadn’t been at it long before he found himself thinking about Katie. He was pleased that she’d accepted Christ as her Savior. It had to be a relief for her to know that her heart was right with God and that if she died, she would go to heaven.

Freeman wasn’t sure why, but Katie’s sweet response to the things he’d shared with her yesterday had stirred up a longing in his heart for more than friendship. But it seemed like an impossible dream, because as far as he knew, she hadn’t stopped loving Timothy or grieving for him. Until she did, Freeman saw no way they could be together. Besides, Katie was still struggling with her panic attacks, and that was enough for her to deal with right now.

Then there was Eunice. From the way she looked at him and the comments she made whenever they were together, Freeman knew she was getting serious about him. Probably thought he was serious about her, too. Might even be hoping for a marriage proposal. Trouble was, he wasn’t sure how he felt about Eunice. She had a pretty face, cooked well enough, and had a way of flirting that made him feel like a man. But he didn’t think he was in love with her. At least not like he was with—

Woof! Woof!
Penny raced across the room and slurped his hand. He patted the pup’s head and smiled. “What do you want, girl? Do you need to go outside for a while?”

Penny whined and raced for the door. Freeman followed.

When he opened the door, Ella stepped in. Penny darted between her legs and dashed into the yard, yipping and wagging her tail.

“What can I do for you?” Freeman asked, smiling at Ella. “Do you need something for your bike?”

She shook her head. “I’m here because I’m concerned about Katie.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see Katie so much.”

“I don’t see her that much—just every Friday when she goes for her counseling session.”

“Katie’s dealing with a lot of things right now, and I don’t want her to get hurt.”

Freeman frowned. “How’s she gonna get hurt? What exactly are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I think you’re seeing too much of her, and she might begin to think you care for her.”

“I do care for her; we’re good friends.” Freeman wasn’t about to admit to Katie’s cousin how he felt about Katie. She was likely to blab it to Katie.

“She might think it’s more than that, and with you going steady with Eunice and all—”

The shop door opened again, and an English customer stepped in.

“I can see you’re busy, so I’ll just say one thing before I go. Please don’t lead Katie on.” Ella hurried out the door before Freeman could respond.

He turned to his customer and said, “Can I help you with something?”

Katie clucked to her horse and turned onto the road. For the last two weeks, she’d been taking her family’s open buggy out every morning to practice driving alone. In between those times, she practiced her breathing exercises and affirmations, wrote her thoughts in a journal, prayed, and read her Bible regularly. She’d had a couple of panic attacks, but they’d been mild, and she was determined to keep trying. If she didn’t, she’d never get better, and if she never got better, there would be no chance for her and Freeman.

Katie thought about the way Freeman had looked at her on their way home from her counselor’s appointment yesterday afternoon. Was it a look of longing she’d seen on his face, or had it just been the friendly smile of a good friend? She wished she felt free to tell Freeman how much she’d come to care for him, but that would be too bold. Besides, if he wasn’t interested in her romantically, she’d be opening herself up for rejection, which she knew she couldn’t handle right now. Katie wasn’t really sure where things stood with Freeman and Eunice, but if they were serious about each other, it wouldn’t be right to do or say anything that might come between them.

As Katie turned down County Road 13, she saw a flashing light, and as she drew closer, she realized that a bicycle was lying on its side. A young man stood beside it. When she slowed the horse, she recognized their paperboy. “Are you having a problem with your bike?” she asked, pulling the buggy alongside him.

“Yeah. I’ve got a flat tire.” He motioned to the canvas satchel lying beside his bike. “I haven’t finished delivering my papers, so this wasn’t a good time for something like this to happen.”

Katie thought about offering to give him a ride so he could make the rest of his deliveries, but that would take up more time than she had. The sun would be up soon, and she needed to get home before Mom and Dad got up.

“I think there’s room for your bike in my buggy, so if you want to put it in the back, I can give you a ride home,” she said.

“Thanks, I appreciate that.” The young man lifted his bike into the back of her buggy then climbed into the passenger’s seat up front. He looked over at Katie and said, “My name’s Mike Olsen, and you’re Katie Miller, aren’t you?”

She nodded. “How’d you know my name?”

“I make it my business to know the names of every pretty girl along my route.” He chuckled and bumped her arm.

Katie’s face warmed. She was glad it was too dark for him to see her blushing. No one except Timothy had ever called her pretty.

“Sure will be glad when summer’s over and I can head back to Florida,” Mike said.

“Are you from Florida?” Katie asked with interest.

“Yeah, my folks live just outside of Sarasota.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I got into some trouble this spring, and they sent me up here to stay with my grandparents for a while, hoping it’d straighten me out.” Mike snorted. “Like a few months of mending fences and delivering papers is gonna make me a better person.”

Katie wondered what kind of trouble he’d been in, but she didn’t voice the question, since it was really none of her business.

“Do you like Florida better than here?” she asked.

“Sure do. I hope to be on my way back there before fall. Can’t wait to say good-bye to boring Indiana and hello to Florida’s white sandy beaches.”

Katie had never thought of Indiana as boring, but she’d enjoyed spending time on the beach near Sarasota, looking for shells and wading near the shore. “I lived in Sarasota for seven months,” she said.

“By yourself?”

“No, with my grandparents.”

“Did you like it there?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Then why’d you leave?”

“I came home for my cousin’s wedding, and then my grandparents moved to Wisconsin, so I had to stay here.”

“Who says you have to stay here?” Mike reached in his shirt pocket and pulled out a cigarette. “Want one?” He waved it in front of Katie’s nose.

She shook her head. “No thanks.”

“If you liked Florida so much, why don’t you go back?”

“I just told you, my grandparents moved to Wisconsin.”

He lit the cigarette and took a puff. “Who says you have to live with them?”

“Well, I’d need a job and a place to stay.”

“You can always find a job in Sarasota, and if you need a place to crash for a while, you can stay with me.” He patted his pocket. “By the end of this summer, I’ll have plenty of money, so I won’t have to rely on my folks anymore, and I’ll get my own place.”

Katie’s mouth went dry. A few months ago, she’d have given most anything to go back to Florida. But with Grandma and Grandpa not there, the idea didn’t have quite as much appeal. Besides, it wouldn’t be proper for her to stay with Mike. “I appreciate the offer,” she said, “but I’m happy staying here right now.”

He blew a puff of smoke in her direction. “A lot can happen between now and fall, so if you change your mind, just let me know.”

Eunice groaned as she climbed out of bed. She’d been drifting in and out of sleep most of the night, thinking about Freeman and wondering why he seemed to be cooling off toward her lately. The last time he’d taken her out to supper, he hadn’t said more than a few words, and she was worried that he might be losing interest in her.

Since I can’t sleep, I may as well get up and start some coffee going,
Eunice decided. She slipped off her nightgown, put on a dress, and headed outside to see if the newspaper had been delivered yet.

As Eunice walked down the driveway, her thoughts remained on Freeman. Tonight there would be a young people’s gathering at Ella’s, and Freeman had agreed to take her. Of course, she’d been the one to bring it up. In fact, she’d suggested several of their outings and had invited him to her house for supper at least once a week. She’d been trying to keep Freeman too busy with her to think about Katie. Eunice thought if she spent more time with Freeman, he would realize that they were meant to be together. If things went as she planned, by this time next year, they could be married.

As Eunice approached the paper box, she heard the rhythmic
clip-clop
of horse’s hooves. She squinted at the flashing lights coming down the road, but as the buggy drew closer, she couldn’t make out who was inside.

When Eunice heard a woman’s voice, she froze. It sounded like Katie Miller, and she was talking to a man.

Eunice quickly stepped behind a bush and strained to listen as the buggy went past.

Eunice caught just a few of their words, but she was sure now that the woman speaking was Katie. She didn’t recognize the man’s voice, though. What she couldn’t figure out was why Katie would be out on the road so early—and with a man, no less!

Maybe Katie’s seeing someone and doesn’t want her folks to know,
Eunice thought.
She might have snuck out of bed so she could be with him. Or maybe they’ve been out all night together.

Eunice was relieved that Katie wasn’t with Freeman. If Katie had a boyfriend, Eunice had nothing to be concerned about. Now all she needed to do was let Freeman know that Katie had a boyfriend.