A Death in Canaan (12 page)

K:

Right now what you and I are trying to do is iron this thing out so we can get rid of this problem.

P:

I wanted to take that test because I believe I didn't do it.

K:

No. You want this to come out.

P:

I remember something about her really bitching. I remember cigarettes on the table. I picked one up and lit it, but I don't know when it was.

K:

Was it the last cigarette in the house?

P:

No.

K:

As I said, when I made that phone call and they told me what she did to you—calling your friends up and all this kind of crap—then I realized what happened. That's when I realized we had a problem, OK?

P:

Maybe I'm imagining it. But it seems to be coming out. Me yelling, “leave me alone.”

K:

Now what happened?

P:

I don't know.

K:

Let me ask you a very personal question. Have you ever had relations with your mother?

P:

No. I was asked that yesterday. I remember her having relations with another man, though.

K:

I heard about that. We won't go into that.

P:

When I was little, we were superclose. Once she started having relations with this other guy, it started going downhill. If something like that ever happened to me again …

K:

No, I don't think this would happen to you again. But we gotta get it out. If we don't, man, you got a problem. The thing is, you got to tell me.

P:

It's got something to do with cars. She harped at me a lot about that model T. Get that junk out of here.

K:

So last night was the night. I don't think you planned anything.

P:

Oh no.

K:

This was no premeditated thing. I think you just had it right up to here, and it snapped, and you did it. It's as simple as that.

P:

The thing that bothers me, what right I had to take her life?

K:

I don't think you realized what you were doing.

P:

I know. But I still can't—I still can't—

K:

All right, Peter, I agree with you.

P:

I'm hung up for words right now.

K:

I agree with you one hundred percent. But it has happened. We cannot change that. You're not the first guy and you won't be the last guy …

P:

The whole thing I'm worrying about is jail.

K:

Peter, don't worry about things like that.

P:

That's not going to help, throwing me in jail.

K:

Damn right it's not going to help, throwing you in jail. I've said that for many years. I'm the guy that says, “This guy needs some help from a doctor.” And they'll take my word for this. They'll get you help with a doctor.

P:

I spoke to Mrs. Beligni last week about could I move up there? And she said no, because my mom would be calling up constantly. Everybody I know has a really nice home.

K:

I think this is what's bothering you, Pete.

P:

Should I keep going?

K:

Yes, go right ahead.

P:

I never had my own car. I had my mom's. Every time I tried to do something for myself … made a deal, tried something … even if I came out on top … she'd say I was a dope.

K:

That's terrible.

P:

But now that she is gone, I think about going to these friends of mine—and it's fantastic. When I'm there I'm like another son. The thing is, now I don't want to go there. I don't have any apron strings.

K:

Now you're emancipated. You're a man. You're eighteen.

P:

I wanted to move out, and everybody told me, “Don't leave your mother all alone.”

K:

I think you should have, Pete. It unties the apron strings.

P:

I didn't move out because I wanted to go to school. I don't think people had the right to tell me not to move out.

K:

From what you've told me so far, I think you should have.

P:

I always thought I should.

K:

Now we have the reason, we have to know how. Let's get this out, then we'll get you some nice dinner once we get this out in the open. What was the hassle about when you got home?

P:

I don't remember. But I got the feeling like I was hitting her. I remember using this arm. But I don't have any marks on it.

K:

Not necessary to have marks.

P:

Maybe I do. I do have red knuckles. One red knuckle.

K:

Of course, that ring would protect your hand, anyway. Keep going now. We know why. Because of all this hassling and shit you've been taking for the past couple of years …

P:

I got a feeling it is going to come out.

K:

I know it is.

P:

After it's out, I want to try making it on my own—before I go to any psychiatrist—because I don't think I was responsible for my actions last night.

K:

I don't either. I don't think you're a vicious man.

P:

I've never been given a second chance at anything.

K:

You'll get your second chance. If we don't get this out in the open, there's no second chance.

P:

Gotta find out.

K:

All right. You remember hitting her, right? How does the straight razor come in?

P:

I don't know. We got it for model airplanes.

K:

I have one myself. I build boat models.

P:

A couple of times my friends would say, let's go out, and I'd say, I think I'll stay home and work on my model. Once I spent twenty dollars on wood and glue. She yelled, and she's the one that started me. I love building models. There's something about building things like that, you feel you're accomplishing something. I'm in the middle of a Newport.

K:

The one I'm building is very complicated—a revolutionary war ship. It was built in Massachusetts, the U.S.S.
Rattlesnake
. Someday I'll get it done. It's relaxing.

P:

I like to build the fuselage the most. I had the Newport out, a Newport spy plane, out on the table a couple of days and she yelled at me for having it out. She threatened to throw it in the garbage.

K:

Peter, you had a real problem with your home life.

P:

I did. I hated being home. I'd go to my friends' house for a week or two, then I'd miss home. I'd go home, and I'd be there for an hour, and I'd hate it all over again. I'd miss my mom, but once I was back, I had to go out. And I kept getting harped on about a job. All my friends work. I don't work. I quit a job washing dishes. She said she could handle the job.

K:

She was really on you, wasn't she?

P:

Constantly. Could I have a cigarette?

K:

Sure. What was she on you for last night, Pete? Huh? What was it all about? That made you go this far and get so upset? It had to be something really drastic to have you lose your cool this badly?

P:

I don't know. But violence is coming into it now. With the straight razor, slashing and stuff. But not much. One thing toward her throat. I may be imagining it. And shaking her up a lot.

K:

Slashing at her throat with the straight razor?

P:

Yeah.

K:

How about her legs? What kind of a vision do we get there?

P:

I don't want to remember that because I'm going to get sick if I do. Something like that makes me sick anyway. And to think I did it.

K:

Did you step on her legs or something? While she was on the floor? And jump up and down?

P:

I could have.

K:

Or did you hit her?

P:

That sounds possible.

K:

Or did you hit her with something?

P:

No, if I hit her with something, it probably would have been my guitar, and no matter what I did, I'd have never used my guitar.

K:

I don't blame you. Can you remember stomping her legs?

P:

You say it, then I imagine I'm doing it.

K:

You're not imagining anything. I think the truth is starting to come out. You want it out. You want that second chance.

P:

The thing that bothers me is people saying, he murdered his mother.

K:

Murder is premeditated. I don't think this was. You just kept slashing and kicking and hitting and it was too late. You lost all your composure because of all the build-up over the past year or two, and all this came out at one time. I don't think you
murdered
anybody.

P:

But other people will look at it that way.

K:

Let's talk turkey. Let's get it out.

P:

I think I walked in the door, and she said something.… Whether she threatened to break my guitar—not allow me to use the car …

K:

Where did you get the straight razor?

P:

Probably on the kitchen table. But when I asked the police officer, he said they didn't find one. Maybe I threw it, either over to the gas station or behind the barn. Because whenever I wanted to get rid of something, that's where I threw it. One time I threw some pot behind the gas station, once, a bottle of booze.

K:

So where did you cut her with this razor?

P:

The throat is the only thing I can think of.

K:

More than once?

P:

Once.

K:

Anyplace else?

P:

Not that I can think of.

K:

How about the water? Did you try to clean her up?

P:

Yeah, but wouldn't I have been out of breath if I carried her in?

K:

From where?

P:

From the bathroom.

K:

Maybe you did it right there on the floor and tried to clean her up. I don't know, Peter. I wasn't there. You were there. If this is true, it shows that you're sorry for what happened.

P:

I
am
sorry for what happened.

K:

I know you are.

P:

Do you think we could quit now? So I could get some sleep? I think I'm saying things that I don't mean to say.

K:

Oh no. You're telling me the truth now. You told me about slashing her throat with a straight razor. I'll have to see if this is true or not. Now, how did we break the legs? How do you think it happened?

P:

Jumping up and down. If it was me.

K:

Oh, Pete. You know it was you.

P:

What would you do if something came up where it turned out that it absolutely wasn't me?

K:

I'd apologize to you. But this isn't going to happen. Now, we've got to get it out. If I was there, I could help you. But I wasn't there. This is the next day. Now I'm trying to help. Did she come at you with something last night? Was she going to beat you up?

P:

No, she was smaller than me.

K:

How about the water?

P:

Something about swimming registers, almost like a pond. It seems that with her clothes off I was trying to clean her up. Maybe I thought it would make it all better.