A Death in Canaan (13 page)

K:

Is this why you put the water on her?

P:

Things aren't clear, you know? I remember thinking, Oh my God, when I saw her lyin' there. But I don't remember whether that's when I came home and saw her.

K:

You've tried to blank it out of your mind. That's why you thought you came home and found her. But you can't blank it out. Now your mind is going to be relieved of it. You got a second life now.

P:

But the one thing that bothers me is, what right I had to take her life? That's something I'll never be able to get over. Is there any way, when all this is over, that it could be wiped out of my head?

K:

I don't know. It's possible. How do you think you broke her legs?

P:

Jumping up and down.

K:

Yeah? When she was on the floor?

P:

Yeah.

K:

OK. Where was she when you first came in the house? In the living room or what?

P:

No. It would seem to me she was in her bed.

K:

Oh. Did she get out of bed?

P:

The fact that her book was on the table means that she could have gotten out of the bed and put her book on the table and then we started yelling—

K:

Ya.

P:

—screaming and everything started happening.

K:

Right. Is this how you think it went?

P:

Yeah.

K:

Where did you keep this razor?

P:

Probably on the table in the living room.

K:

Right where you were arguing.

P:

So I'd have just reached out for it. Or she reached out for it and came after me.

K:

That's what I asked you before … you remember slashing at her throat?

P:

I think I remember.

K:

You told me you did remember it.

P:

But if I did it, wouldn't there be some marks on me? Wouldn't I have been wet if I tried to clean her down?

K:

I don't know. I wasn't there. I don't know how you tried to clean her down. Maybe you dried your hands very carefully. Did you change your clothes?

P:

Mine? No. I wore these clothes to school yesterday. I've had them on since it happened. She always used to harp at me about my clothes.

K:

I used to wear dungarees myself, bell-bottoms, twenty-five years ago when I was in the navy. Now we have to get this straightened out.

P:

I think it's pretty well straightened out now.

K:

You think the razor's behind the barn? Or behind the gas station?

P:

Those are the two places I could think of. I wish I wasn't so tired because things come into my head and go right out again. What time is it?

K:

Six-thirty.

P:

I keep thinking I gotta be home, so my mom doesn't miss me.

K:

What else, Peter? Did you take her pants off?

P:

I don't think so. I really don't think so. That just doesn't register, but her pants were off. Maybe she didn't have clothes on when I got there.

K:

Run through the whole picture again.

P:

I walked in the door. I looked up. Let's say she's in bed.

K:

All right.

P:

She gets out of bed. We start arguing.

K:

You think it was the car, or what?

P:

I don't know. I don't think that's important, though.

K:

Just another goddamned argument. A continuous one.

P:

Yeah. Either she picked up the razor, or I did. She may have come toward me, and I would have taken it away from her and then gone after her with it. I remember slashing, and if I had, she may have fallen right back over. If there are any other injuries, I don't remember. But even if I do remember slashing at her throat, that's all I really have to remember. Because I remember doing the damage.

K:

Now, the legs.

P:

I think I could have jumped up and down on her. I don't know if there were any ribs broken.

K:

I don't know.

P:

Maybe I could have kicked her.

K:

Do you remember kicking her?

P:

No. I never had a real fight, but I always told myself in a real fight, I'm not going to fight clean. You fight to win. Right?

K:

Right. Maybe we should let you talk to the investigator, this last part we just talked about.

P:

I don't want to get thrown in a cell.

K:

We'll see what we can arrange. I'm not going to lie to you, Peter. I just work here, you see? I want you to tell these people what you just told me.

P:

Do you have any records of this? Have you been tape recording me?

K:

No. I got my tape right here. That's all I need. That's you. That's your conscience.

S:

Hi ya, Pete.

P:

Hi.

Well, it really looks like I did it. The thing is I must have flown off the handle. I'm kind of pooped, you can tell him what I told you about how much I got nagged.

K:

His mother's been on his back, Jimmy, for the past couple years. Nag this, nag that …

P:

Every day.

K:

He said he came home last night and she started …

P:

I said that we argued about something but I didn't know what. Remember I said I had a double take at the bed and then the floor? What I must have done was walk in and actually see my mom in the bed and then that's when everything went blank. And, what happened was—'cause the reading light was on—she must have come out into the living room 'cause her book was on the table. And, we got in an argument about something. But I remember picking up the straight razor off the thing. I think it was the straight razor that I used. And, uh, I slashed for her throat. I remember when she was on the floor that I jumped up and down on her.

K:

Well, maybe the lieutenant can clarify this. Were there any bruises, Jim?

S:

Yeah. You say that you used a straight razor?

P:

Yes.

S:

What did you do with it?

P:

I don't know. I think I either threw it behind the gas station or over the barn.

S:

What about a knife, Pete? Remember using a knife?

P:

I don't, but a straight razor thing registers.

S:

And a knife, Pete.

P:

Maybe. Could you give me the details?

S:

I think you know the details.

P:

I'm not absolutely sure of it, though. I mean, everything hasn't come out yet.… When you checked my shoes, did you find anything wrong?

S:

Well, they're still checking.

P:

What did they find at the autopsy?

S:

They're still checking that.

P:

The only thing that bothers me, I'm afraid my friends will find out what I did.

S:

Well, Peter, I told you at the onset of our conversation this morning that I think anybody that knows you realizes …

K:

I'll be right back, Jim.

P:

What trouble I had.

S:

What you were up against with your mother for the past sixteen years of your life record, and I don't think anybody is going to hold it against you, Peter … more than likely, before this is all over, you will receive psychiatric treatment. There are many forms of therapy—outpatient clinics, all kinds of possibilities, Peter. I'm going to tell you right now. We know by time now, when your mother became deceased—when she died—you were in the house. We know that. We can prove that. So, this is academic. I want you to understand that this is the best for you. I want you now to sit back there and recite for me what happened. I know this may be painful to you …

P:

It is.

S:

You're tired and I'm tired. We on the State Police are not your enemies.

P:

I know.

S:

We don't find happiness in other people's misfortune. If we can help you, and I know we can help you, we will help you.

P:

Before I start going over it, I've got to have someone to turn to.

S:

Now, Peter, you've got us to turn to.

P:

Right.

S:

You don't have any parents.

P:

Well, I mean I want one particular person who's on my side, to help me. I don't mean a lawyer, I mean someone like an adult. A father, a mother or something.

S:

Is there anybody here that you trust? Do you trust Trooper Mulhern?

P:

Yes, absolutely.

S:

All right. Would you be willing to sit down with Trooper Mulhern and trust him enough to tell him in detail what happened? From beginning to end, what happened.

P:

Well, I trust you that much, and I also trust …

S:

Sergeant Kelly?

P:

I don't know. The man who gave me the test. I feel so guilty about it, you know.

S:

Once you get this thing straightened out, and I mean
out,
you will realize that perhaps what motivated this action on your part was years of unhappiness, of deprivation, of embarrassment, of a mixed feeling towards your mother. And you're not as guilty and you're not as responsible as you perhaps think you are now.

P:

I've got to get this out in the open so I can see what happened. And say, it's done, I've done it, I've got to live with it. And I could start again now.

S:

A very astute observation.… So, let's make a start, Pete. Let's get this thing out.

P:

Yes. Well, are you gonna write it down now?

S:

Yes. OK?

P:

Um … I got home, I went in the house.

S:

OK.

P:

I did yell, “Hey, Mom, I'm home.”

S:

OK.

P:

And there was no answer. She may have been asleep and I may have shaken her to wake her up or something when I was home, I don't know. So, she was definitely in bed. The bed lamp was on and uh, the—what-do-you-call-it was open. The sleeping bag or something. So, I think she came out to the living room. Her book was on the table. We must have argued about something. I don't know what. There were several things we could have argued about. We could have argued about the fact that I wanted to get rid of the Corvette and she didn't. We could have argued about the fact that I wanted to get a Vega wagon so I could transfer my amplifier on it.

S:

Mm.

P:

Because my amplifier—half of it would fit in the Corvette. And she—I remember other times she said, “Oh, you're just getting a station wagon so you can transport everybody's stuff around.” Really harping on me.

S:

Yeah, could be. Have you ever felt close enough to someone that you could really trust them?

P:

No.

S:

That you really liked?

P:

Nope … yes, excuse me. I do have someone that I could speak to like that. That would be Aldo Beligni.

S:

Let's you and I try something. You try to feel about me …

P:

Like a father?

S:

Like somebody who's really interested in you, and then …

P:

Well, I do already. That's why I come out with all this.

S:

OK. Now when you say that you don't know what you argued about, you said you were beginning to trust me.

P:

I said it and I do feel it. What do you mean?

S:

You know what you argued about.

P:

Well, no, I don't.

S:

Peter, I'm saying to you that you are obviously a bright person.

P:

I don't know. Am I? Do I seem to be?

S:

Yes, you are. A bright person. So far.

P:

Oh! I know what it was. And it slipped my mind again. I remember saying something about “leave me alone, leave me alone.” My mom was really harping on me about everything.

S:

What were you arguing about?

P:

Must have been something—something that—maybe because—well, that wouldn't be it. That wouldn't tie in, um, because I'd come home and maybe she was drunk, I don't know—did the autopsy come up with a blood report?

S:

Oh, it will, yes.

P:

Where is she now?

S:

She's over the hospital.

P:

At Sharon?

S:

Yeah. Now, why don't you just try this. Try and believe in somebody. Believe that we're not out to hurt you.

P:

Well, the thing is, every time I try to I always get fucked over.

S:

Yeah. But, you know, if you don't try to trust somebody, somewhere along the way, there's no hope here.

P:

Yeah, I know I've got to trust someone. That's why I trust Mr. Beligni. Because he's the only man I've ever met that never tried to burn somebody in a deal. He's a well driller and one of the things he does—he charges half price for a dry hole. He's the only person I've ever met who's totally honest. I think maybe if I got involved in some religion it might help me too.

S:

Would you like to be like Mr. Beligni?

P:

Yes. Because he's a very honest man. I can't stand someone who lies. I didn't realize I was lying on that lie detector … I mean, when I was doing it I didn't realize it, until you started probing. You're really busting your ass trying to help me right now and I really appreciate it. Just—if I could get something written down that says I wasn't gonna go to jail or something, and I wasn't gonna go into a psycho ward or a mental institution, it wouldn't be so bad. But those are the two things that I'm scared of.

S:

Let's say that you need institutional care, for a period of time. This will be a determination that I wouldn't make and that you wouldn't make.

P:

Well, what I'm saying is, I don't think I need the treatment now. Now that she's gone, all those things, all the tension and the pulling and the things on my nerves. Everything's letting up and I feel free again. I feel like—reborn. I feel like I'm starting all over again, and I want a chance.

S:

All right. The first step …

P:

Is to break it down.

S:

Is to break this down. To get it out. And then let us put the wheels in motion. Why don't you try to trust me?

P:

Well, OK. Where'd I leave off?

S:

We left off at the beginning. We haven't got started yet. We've been here three days and we haven't got started yet.

P:

Three days?

S:

Two days.

P:

Holy Christ! We have.

S:

But you've had some sleep. I haven't had any.

P:

Well actually I've been up nearly as long as you.

S:

But you had about six hours sleep I didn't have.

P:

Did I get six hours sleep? It went by just like
that
.

S:

Peter, put your trust in somebody. We'll start from the beginning again. Trust me. Tell me what happened. Let me put the wheels in motion. I promise you I'm not going to hurt you.

P:

I understand that now.

S:

I don't want to see you hurt. Mr. Mulhern doesn't want to see you hurt.

P:

No, I like Jim. I really like him.

S:

All right. Let's take the bull by the horns. Trust people.

P:

OK.

S:

All right.

P:

Right on the level now.

S:

Right on the level.

P:

I think I did it.

S:

Don't be afraid to say, “I did it.”

P:

But I'm incriminating myself by saying I did.

S:

We have, right now, without any word out of your mouth, proof positive.

P:

That I did it?

S:

That you did it.

P:

So, OK, then I may as well say I did it.