A Different Side (University Park #4) (46 page)

Too bad we wouldn’t be there to save each other like we’d promised. Thanks to her parents, it was over between us. The words her mom spoke reverberated in my head. They were like truth serum, constantly reminding me I wasn’t the one for Lexi. That she belonged with Collin. They were meant for each other. I had no business with her.

Life sucked. Nothing was fair. And there were definitely no happy endings. The media did a good job of serving those lies to us. And the best part? We believed them. I was convinced I’d have a messed up life until I died. But I wasn’t so sure I’d end up in heaven. I wasn’t any better than the thugs who raped my mom. I used women to my advantage and loved every minute of it.

I didn’t care about my life — taking risks as if I were invincible. If I died, I doubted anyone would miss me. After all, I wasn’t wanted to begin with. The only people who might have needed me were my teammates. And I had to stay strong for them. They were relying on me. The bowl game was in two weeks and practice was starting next Friday. I had to keep it together and win this game.

Several bottles and two days later, I finally found my balls. I didn’t bother calling Josh or Shawn. I knew what I needed to do. They wouldn’t be able to help me anyway. Despite what my heart wanted, I shoved everything that had happened between Lexi and me aside and picked up my phone. Every tap of my fingers was torture. Typing the words weren’t easy, probably because they were lies.

Me: Lexi, I’m so sorry that I got you in trouble with your parents. I never intended for anything like this to happen. That was the last thing I wanted and I definitely don’t want to come between you and your family. That’s why it’s best if we go our separate ways.

I knew all along that you were too good for me and it would never work out for us. I’m sorry I strung you along but the truth is, I can never walk away from the lifestyle I miss and love. You’re better off without me. Like I said, I’ll destroy you and I don’t want to be responsible for that, so go back to Collin because he’s the one for you. I hope you have a wonderful life and take care.

Without thinking twice, I hit the send button. My shoulders dropped and my arm hit the couch. More tears escaped and I didn’t try to stop them. I couldn’t believe I had just lied to her and told her it was over. I did exactly what I promised not to do. I hurt her. If it was killing me, I could only imagine what it was doing to her. I was destroying her, just like I knew I would. I was the biggest asshole ever.

Lexi and I were done. I’d never see my beautiful angel again. There’d be no more warm arms, no more loving kisses, and no more waking up with her next to me. Without Lexi by my side, I’d never be able to win the battle against my demons. I’d be totally lost without her — paralyzed. They had a free ticket to destroy me. But what hurt the most was thinking what it would be like without her.

No more beautiful smiles.

No more breathless moments.

No more making love to her.

Without her, I’d never be the same. If I made it through this alive, it would be a miracle.

Σ

Chapter 29

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…just be an illusion.

~Javan

Christmas came and went in a fog. A Lexi fog. Except…I knew once the clouds cleared, she wouldn’t be there. She was gone forever. I wasn’t sure how I’d survive without her, but I had to find a way. I needed to get my shit together and move on — especially since practice was Friday and we had the bowl game the following week. Now wasn’t the time for feeling sorry for myself.

I’d lied to my mom, telling her Lexi was with her family and couldn’t join us for Christmas dinner. When she asked why I was so quiet, I told her I was focused on the bowl game. I think she could see right through my lies. She always did. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about how Lexi’s parents ripped my damn heart out of my chest.

Somehow, I managed to make it to practice. The team suspected something when I kept screwing up the plays. I knew them, but just couldn’t seem to concentrate. I finally told Josh and Shawn after they rode my ass for some answers. I didn’t give them all the details, just mentioned Lexi’s parents forbade me to see her and I decided parting ways was for the best. They told me I gave up too easily and should have fought for her. And I should have, but couldn’t. Not unless I wanted her mom to blow what little chance I had at playing football. My life as Raven Davenport would remain the same. I was done trying to get a new deck of cards.

Day after day, I dragged my ass out of bed. My chest ached and it felt like all life had been sucked from me. I worked out and went to practice, but my performance was subpar. Keeping my head straight proved harder than I thought. Everywhere I turned, images of Lexi appeared. Everything I did reminded me of us. I couldn’t even take a freakin’ shower without smelling peaches and honey. It sucked. How was I supposed to move on when everything I did reminded me of our time together? I needed to get away, but there was no running from the woman I loved.

I sat on the couch, flipping through the channels. My entire body hurt after taking a beating at practice. Not even a cold shower or cryotherapy seemed to help. I popped a few Aleve and repositioned the ice packs on my shoulder. At least I’d have tomorrow off since it was New Year’s Day. That would give my body time to recuperate.

“What are you doing tonight?” Josh stepped into the living room with a towel wrapped around his waist. Droplets of water still covered his chest and hair.

“Nothing, man. I’m going to buy a six pack, sit right here on the couch, and watch TV until I fall asleep.”

Josh huffed. “Somehow, I find that hard to believe.”

I rolled my shoulder a few times. “Believe whatever you want.” I wasn’t in the mood to party. I just wanted to sit at home and sulk. By myself.

“Come with us.” Shelby stepped into the living room with a hairbrush in her hand. “It’ll be fun.”

“No thanks.” I waved off her invitation. “Besides, I don’t have a tux.”

Her mouth turned downward and she returned to Josh’s room. The hair dryer turned on as she continued primping for tonight’s big party. Josh’s parents always had a New Year’s party at their ranch in Azle. I went one year for a few hours, but it wasn’t for me. Bigwigs and their trophy wives were the typical crowd. Anyone who was someone important would be at the party. And I wanted to stay clear away from it.

Josh unzipped the cover protecting his tuxedo, checking it. “You don’t need a tux. A suit will be fine.”

I shook my head. “You said it was a black-tie event. I’m not about to show up and have people talking about me.”

Joshed looked over his shoulder. “This is my family and their close friends. No one’s going to say anything. Trust me.”

“I’m still not going.” I tried to focus on what the sports journalist was saying about our opposing team, but I missed half of it thanks to Josh and Shelby.

Josh took out his pressed shirt and gave it a thorough look over. He was almost as bad as Shawn when it came to his clothes, liking everything perfect and with a designer label on it. He an Shelby were perfect for each other. “I really think you should come with us.” He turned in my direction. “Some of my mom’s divorced friends will be there.” He arched a brown and shot me a wicked grin.

My head jutted back. “Oh, hell no. I don’t need any cougars tonight.”

A thunderous laugh bolted from Josh. “I thought you liked older women.”

My mouth twisted to the side. I couldn’t even fathom thinking of anyone but Lexi. Her long, beautiful hair. Her smooth, silky skin. Her plump lips, intoxicating kiss. I would never be the same again. Lexi had left her imprint on me. I was a victim of her trap. Forever.

“Not anymore.”

Josh waved off my comment. “You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re hung up on the kitty. Give it some time. You’ll be back to your old ways.”

His comment struck me like a hit I didn’t see coming. The muscles in my neck tensed and my fist clenched. “What the fuck, man?” I threw my hands up in the air. “You bitch at me for being a hoe, so I find someone and work really hard at changing, but the minute we break up, you’re ready to toss me back to the dogs?”

“I’m sorry, dude. I didn’t mean to…look, I was just trying to help you get over her and move on with your life.”

I tossed the ice packs on the coffee table and got up. I didn’t need to hear his shit. I was tired of everyone’s shit. I didn’t need to be reminded of my past, my future, or my current situation. Everyone just needed to mind their own damn business.

“Thanks, but I can manage without your help.” I shuffled past him to my bedroom. I opened my drawer and put on a T-shirt. I yanked my PHU hoodie off the hanger and shoved my feet in my shoes. Grabbing my keys, I headed for the door.

“Where’re you going?” Josh asked as I clipped his shoulder with my arm.

“To the store. Happy New Year.”

He grabbed my arm, pulling me back. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I yanked my arm away. “Whatever.”

“Just come with us. We’ll ring in the new year together.”

“Nah. That’s alright.” I opened the door and slammed it shut behind me.

I heard Josh call my name before the door flung back open. “Quit acting like a little kid and get dressed. You’re going with us!”

I shuffled down the stairs. “That’s alright. You two have fun fucking all night.”

“Shit!” Josh yelled and hit something. “Don’t do anything stupid! We’ve got a game to win.”

I shot him the finger and headed straight for my car. Josh knew how to push my buttons. All of them. I’m glad I left. Otherwise, I would’ve punched him in the face. The anger was building, spiraling and turning inside me. I had to release it before I lost it. I got in my car and slammed the door. My breathing became heavy and my throat tightened. I was like a dragon, ready to breathe fire and burn everything I saw. Tears poured down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop them.

I beat my hands on the steering wheel and yelled. I hated the world. I hated myself. Most of all, I hated Lexi’s parents. Life fucking sucked. I felt so lost without her. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t see straight. I was totally paralyzed.

After thirty minutes of releasing all the pent up anger and frustration, I wiped my nose and dried my face. I just needed to get away.

Away from the university.

Away from life.

Away from the pain.

Away from everything that reminded me of Lexi. I had to get her out of my head and move on. Otherwise, I’d never win the game, and if I wasn’t careful, I’d end up back in rehab.

I started the car and reversed. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I drove to the corner store, needing something to drink. I bought a six-pack and drove to a park down the street. I sat in the car, listening to the radio. I flipped through the stations, but every song reminded me of Lexi — the words we sang, the way she played the piano for me…her sweet voice. The notes collided into one another, causing my heart to pound with every beat from the drums. I turned the radio off and rested my head against the seat. I drank until the memories and feelings about her numbed. Until the pain in my chest ebbed and I didn’t give a shit about anything.

I tossed the empty bottle in the cardboard slot and drove back to the store. I wasn’t done and didn’t intend on stopping until the memories of her were washed away. Grabbing the empty bottles, I got out of the car, tossed them in the trashcan by the door, and walked in.

“Hey, Raven, what’s up?” The store clerk acknowledged me immediately.

I gave a short salute with two fingers, unable to recall his name. It didn’t matter. I just needed another six-pack and whatever else came my way. I grabbed the beer and headed to the counter. Every muscle in my body was relaxed and my head felt light. Being drunk was great, and the night was just getting started. I set the carton on the counter and pulled out my wallet.

“You got plans tonight?” the clerk asked.

“No, not really.” I fumbled through my wallet, looking for my ID. I searched my pockets, but couldn’t find it. I knew I had it. I’d just showed it to the previous clerk. “Shit. I can’t find my ID.”

“Sorry, man. I can’t sell it to you without proof of age.” The clerk shrugged.

“Oh, come on. You know me,” I glanced at his name badge, “Carl.” Just as I thought about going to check my car, I heard a familiar voice, followed by familiar fingers razing my back. Chills shot down to my toes. Those nails could only belong to one woman.

“What’s wrong? The Raven can’t prove he’s old enough to drink?”

I turned to see Macy, all dolled up and ready for the evening. “Your timing is impeccable, you know that?” I said with a smirk.

“That’s what they all say.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder while laughing softly. “I’ll get it.” She placed her wine coolers next to my beer. Handing her ID to Carl, she shot him a quick wink.

“I guess this is your lucky night, Raven,” Carl said, ringing up our alcohol.

Macy shot me a big smile. I knew what she was thinking. Seeing the sparkles across her skin had me thinking the same thing. Macy would be the perfect answer to getting Lexi out of my system. I needed to change the playing field and she was the exact play I was looking for.

“New hair color?” I asked, taking a lock of the burgundy between my fingers.

“That will be eighteen thirty-eight,” Carl stated as he bagged our drinks.

“You like it?” Macy handed him a twenty, not removing her eyes from mine.

“I do.” I leaned closer, taking a quick whiff. Designer perfume filled my airways and I cocked a brow. Macy always smelled enticingly delicious. “But is it the same color down under?” My eyes darted to her short skirt.

She gave me a slight nudge as she grabbed the paper sack. “Oh, Raven. You know I’m bare down there.”

Carl started coughing, as if our words had choked the air from his lungs.

I shot a quick glance his way. His face was beet red and his eyes were as wide as saucers. “Maybe we should go.” I urged her away from the counter. Apparently, our talk was too much for Carl’s PG-13 ears.