A Different Side (University Park #4) (62 page)

“I’m glad I brought my guitar.” Josh did a drum roll on the top of the piano. “We can jam out later.”

“I didn’t know you played the guitar.” Lexi looked at Josh and then shot a quick glance at me. I shrugged, realizing I’d never mentioned it to her.

“Yep. Been playing since I was in junior high.” Josh walked to the living room and grabbed a remote. He punched a button and the outside window coverings retreated, revealing the blue ocean of the Gulf Coast. The sun was barely setting, hiding behind the structures of the homes, creating a golden glow along the still waters.

“Wow.” Lexi sprinted to the windows, taking in the breathtaking view.

“I know. It’s badass.” Shelby pressed her hands against the glass. “I want to live here so badly.”

“We will, baby. Just give it some time.” Josh embraced her from behind. “But I’ll get you a better place than this.”

Shelby’s eyes widened. “How about the Caribbean?”

Josh threw his head back in laughter. “Whatever you want, Shel.” He had her so spoiled. I hoped he landed with a good team and got a big sign on-bonus. Otherwise, Shelby was going to be very disappointed.

I wrapped my arms around Lexi. “It’s beautiful. Just like you.” I nuzzled her neck and she reached up, pulling me closer. The past week had been unreal and glancing at her ring, I still couldn’t believe she was going to be my wife. Holding her tightly, I thanked God. I had the most important thing in life: my Lexi.

***

We decided to go eat before hitting the beach since we were hungry. Josh took us to a local restaurant that served the best fish tacos and bacon-wrapped jalapeño-stuffed shrimp. Lexi had found a new food fix: seafood. She’d definitely get her fill here on the island.

After we ate, we hit a few T-shirt shops. Shelby helped Lexi pick out two bikinis, which she wouldn’t let me see until we hit the beach. I was surprised to learn she only owned a one-piece swimsuit. The more I thought about her controlling mom, the more it made sense. But those days were over and she could wear whatever she wanted.

Before heading back to the house, we stopped at the local supermarket and stocked up on food for the week. For a Monday night, the strip was buzzing with students cruising in their convertibles, mopeds, two-person bikes, or golf carts. We thought about going back to the house and getting the jeep, but decided to go to the beach for the night instead. I think we were taxed from the long drive.

Josh and I made a fire pit while Lexi and Shelby laid a few blankets on the sand. The night was chilly and I wasn’t sure the water would be warm enough to swim tomorrow. We’d have to wait and see.

“I didn’t think it would be this cool.” Lexi slipped on a sweatshirt over her tank top.

“I know.” Shelby followed, putting on a hoodie. “Normally it’s a little warmer than this.”

“I’m sure it’s too cold for a night swim.” She wrapped her arms around her small frame, staring at the water.

“Yeah, baby.” I placed another log on the fire. “We should probably wait until the middle of the day tomorrow.”

“Hey, it’s perfect for the hot tub.” Shelby nudged Josh.

Josh raised a brow. “You want to get in?”

Shelby nodded and stared pensively at Josh. I knew what she had in mind. “Hey, you guys want to join?”

I turned to Lexi and she gave a little headshake. “Go ahead. Maybe we’ll join you after a while. I want to relax here by the fire and water.” Lexi’s message was clear — she wanted to be alone with me. I settled in next her and she reclined against me.

“Okay.” Shelby yanked off her hoodie and threw it at Josh. “Last one in has to get the towels.” Giggling, she ran toward the house.

“Shel, wait!” Josh yelled, chasing after her.

I let out a slight chuckle. One minute they were fighting, and the next, they couldn’t get enough of each other. Wrapping my arms around Lexi, I held her close as we listened to the soft roll of the tide along the shoreline. The silver light from the moon and the flickers from the fire cast a calm view of the vast ocean. Being next to her was so comforting. As I dazed into the clear, dark sky, I promised to love her forever.

“Are you happy?” I picked up her left hand and stared at the ring I’d placed on her finger.

“More than you’ll ever know.” She wiggled her fingers, causing the facets of the diamonds to shimmer against us.

“What about you?” She leaned to the side, glancing up at me.

I smiled, unable to describe the feel-good sensations flowing through me. “You have no idea.”

“Were you planning to ask me in the cafeteria?”

“No, not at all.” I lowered my head, ashamed to admit that it wasn’t planned. It was spontaneous, crazy, and so worth it. “I had just picked up your ring and since I’d already talked to your dad—”

“You talked to my dad?” She shifted and looked directly at me.

“Well, yeah. I had to do the respectable thing and ask him for your hand.”

Her eyes widened in disbelief. “I can’t believe you asked him.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No.” She grinned. “You did good.”

I wondered if her dad had told her mom. If he did, I was positive she didn’t respond like my mom. I never thought she’d stop crying. It was good to see tears of joy versus tears of anguish.

“Good.” I nodded and she settled in my arms. “I was actually planning on proposing here.”

“Here?”

“Yeah, right here on the beach for your birthday. But I couldn’t wait.” I shrugged. Admitting some of my ideas wasn’t so hard after all. “So I figured, ‘what the hell?’ I’m going to do this right now.’ And so I did.”

Lexi covered her face and tiny whimpers escaped through her hands. “Are you crying?” I removed her hands. “Did I say something wrong?”

Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I…I’m just so happy. And I’m…”

“You’re what?” With the pad of my thumb, I cleared her tears. “Tell me. What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “It’s nothing.”

“No. I can tell something is up.” For a second, my heart stopped, fearing what she might say. Was she regretting saying
yes?
Keeping silent, she glanced away. It didn’t take long for the voices to resurface, but using my new Jedi mind tricks, I convinced them their words were mere lies and not wanted. “Lexi. Please.” I lifted her chin, but her gaze remained focus on the ground. “Please don’t shut me out.”

A sigh released from her lips and her eyes met mine. Circling within the centers of her irises was the fear I didn’t want to see, nor want her to have. Anchoring my heart, I prepared for the words I didn’t want to hear. Words that could destroy me again — if I let them. I had to be strong and man up.

“It’s just that sometimes I feel like you shut me out.”

The comment did a three-sixty in my mind and my head jutted back. Although I was preparing for the worse, I was shocked she thought I was shutting her out. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she admitted.

“Can you give me an example?”

Her lips pressed together and her eyes narrowed. It took her a few seconds and then she said, “Every time you’ve told me that you don’t want to be with me.”

“Oh, Lexi.” I gathered her in my arms, feeling her words tug at my chest. “I never meant to shut you out. It had nothing to do with you. It was all the shit — all my baggage — I’ve been learning to deal with.”

“I understand.” She sniffed. “I’m just really scared it will happen again.”

I eased back and stared directly in her eyes. “I promise I’ll never shut you out again.”

She hesitated, the fear still looming over her. “How can I be sure?”

“Lexi.” I steadied my racing heart, trying to think of what I could say that would put her at ease. Reality was probably nothing. Lexi needed to see it, not hear it. “Because things are different now.”

“Different how?”

“It’s hard to explain.” I wasn’t sure she’d understand what Dr. Galen was helping me to see and overcome. It was more than just learning alcohol and the occasional high didn’t cure my pain — but rather contributed to it. Would she be able to understand all the past torments I’d endured and how they’d affected me? Would it scare her off?

Her eyes closed, and the hurt, along with the disappointment, covered her features. It wasn’t good to keep her in the dark, especially if we were going to get married. I just wasn’t sure she was ready for the truth. Could she really handle all my baggage? “Lexi. Please, just believe me.” I tucked a few stray strands of her hair behind her ear.

Her lids lifted and she connected our line of sight. “Raven, if we’re going to get married, we have to trust each other. Even with our deepest secrets. That’s the only way we’re going to get through the tough times. I promise to be here for you, no matter what. That’s what a relationship is all about. It’s the foundation a marriage is built on. Don’t you want that for us?”

“I do.”

“Then just tell me.”

Her words elicited a deep level of realization for me. I had been protecting myself this entire time — not her. In my selfishness, I was creating a barrier that prohibited trust. She wiggled out of my embrace and knelt in front of me, covering my hands with hers. “With me, Raven, you don’t have to be afraid.”

“I’m not afraid, Lexi.” Reality was I was scared shitless. Scared she’d say she couldn’t be with a guy like me.

“Then what is it?”

“I…” I gazed into the ocean. Difficult conversations weren’t easy for me. I’d rather avoid them. It’s what I had learned to do and at the same time, was learning how to undo. If Lexi and I were going to get married, I couldn’t run away from these issues. I had to discuss them with her. Share my innermost fears and pains so the demons had no power over them. “I just don’t want you to reject me.”

“Oh, God.” Her eyes glossed over. “Raven, why would you think that?”

“Because my entire life I’ve been nothing but a big
reject
. I don’t need you rejecting me, too.” I jerked my hands from her grip, fighting the voices continuously telling me the inevitable. Lexi didn’t want to be with a bastard. A product of gang rape. She didn’t want me, just like my mom didn’t want me.

“Babe, you’re not a reject.”

She rubbed her chest as she took in several deep breaths. “I would never reject you. I love you, Raven. Can’t you see that? Your mom loves you, and so does your family.”

It took all my strength to push the demented voices aside and allow the loving ones to filter through. “I know you do and that’s what Dr. Galen has been helping me to see. Don’t get me wrong, my mom’s been great and so has my family. It’s just…when you know you were created by someone taking advantage of your mother and the pregnancy wasn’t wanted, it’s a tough pill to swallow. Not to mention, her initially not wanting to raise me.”

“I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to change all of that.” Sympathy laced her sweet voice. No doubt, if Lexi could erase my past, she would — no questions asked.

“Yeah, me too,” I whispered, my voice thickening with the pain and threat of tears.

“Have I ever done anything to make you feel rejected?”

“You didn’t want to tutor me.” The comment slipped from my mouth effortlessly, and I immediately regretted it. My intent wasn’t to point out her wrongs; mine surpassed hers by far.

“Okay.” Her shoulders dropped at my honesty. “I’m not going to lie to you. I was basing everything on rumors, but once I got to know you, I wanted to help you. The only thing I was afraid of was falling for you. And once I realized that I couldn’t stop the inevitable from happening, nothing about your past mattered to me.” She cupped my cheek. “None of your mistakes matter to me. All that matters is that I have your love. All I want is to trust you and know that you’re never going to hide things from me.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t possibly tell her my shameful sins. They weren’t meant for innocent ears like hers. “Lexi, I’ve done things I’m not proud of.”

As her hand lowered, she rounded her shoulders and lifted her chin. “I know, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but when they affect our relationship and our future, I think I have a right to know. Otherwise, how can I help you and how can we stay strong?”

Lexi had a good point. “I guess you’re right.”

“Just…please don’t shut me out. That’s all I ask.” She slipped her fingers through mine and I gripped her hand.

“Shutting you out is the last thing I want. And I’m working on it. Just give me a little time.”

“Okay. But how can I be sure you’re not going to run away from me or back to the life that wants to destroy you?”

“Because I’m releasing the demons that have been tormenting me all these years. Dr. Galen has shown me things.” More heaviness lifted from my body as I confessed to her. “He’s helped me identify why I...why I used women,” I shook my head, ashamed to admit it, “why I turned to drinking and drugs when I felt abandoned and rejected. It was all because I was seeking attention — a need to feel wanted.” I exhaled, releasing my deepest, darkest secrets. “But I’m a different man now. I’ve changed for the better.” I smiled, knowing Lexi was the doorway to my gateway of healing. If it weren’t for her, I was sure I would have given up by now and continued doing what I knew best.

“Raven, it’s wonderful that he’s helped you understand what has caused you to do the things you’re not proud of and how to finally get rid of these demons.” Her lips turned upward and she hugged me. Being surrounded by her love and sweet embrace brought me even more healing. Even though I’d changed, the challenge would be sustaining it. With Lexi by my side, I knew I could do it.

I pressed a tender kiss to the corner of her mouth. “You still want to be with me?”

Tears flowed freely from her eyes and I fought to keep mine back. “Always,” she spoke against my lips.

“Good, because we’re not done with that list of yours.” I snickered, determined to stop her tears.

“List?” A questioning gaze formed as she wiped under her eyes.

With a cocked brow, I said, “Yeah, that list we’ve been working on since we fell for each other.”

She shifted closer to me and a sly grin played at the edges of her lips. “Oh, that list.”

“Yeah. That list.”