A Different Side (University Park #4) (29 page)

Score!

“Of course she does.” Delaney looked over her shoulder. “Who wouldn’t? And make mine hot, too.” She winked, but I knew she was joking with me.

“You’ve got it.” I turned around and walked to the refrigerator, giving my butt cheeks a nice little squeeze. I heard Lexi gasp and I knew she was watching me.

Score again!

I returned with Lexi and Delaney’s apple pie alamode and set it in front of them. Mom came behind me, carrying several storage boxes in different colors.

“Can I help you, Mom?” I turned to grab the boxes from her.

She set them on the table and dusted her hands. “Nope, I’ve got it.” She returned to her bedroom and came back with a few more boxes. Blowing her bangs away from her face, she sat in front of us. “Do you want to see pictures of Raven from birth until now?” She moved around the boxes, checking the labels.

“Yes, please. Pictures from pivotal moments in his life would be awesome.” Delaney and Lexi moved closer, eager to see them.

Mom thumbed through the pictures, laying several on the table. “Here are a few from when he was born.”

“Wow, you were a big baby.” Delaney picked up the picture and showed Lexi.

“How much did you weigh?” Lexi asked as she took the picture from Delaney.

I turned to my mom. “Like ten pounds, right?”

She nodded. “He was nine pounds, seven ounces, and twenty-three inches long.” Her voice cracked and tears formed in her eyes. “Born at five fifty-five in the morning on September twenty-ninth.”

Hearing those vital facts about me stirred the memories. Bad ones. Memories I had pushed to the far corners of my mind, reminding me I was a bastard. A child who wasn’t wanted. Even though my mom kept me and raised me, I knew she didn’t want me — at least not at first. Who would want to look into their eyes of their child, knowing that some man forced himself upon you and raped you? I couldn’t blame her for trying to abort me. If I were her, I probably would have done the same.

“Don’t cry, Mom. It’s okay.” I hugged her, feeling the pain we both endured on a daily basis. She cradled my face and kissed me on the cheek. Delaney snapped a pic of us, capturing our constant torment. Despite where I came from, my mom did love me. She did what she had to do to make the best of the situation, and for that, I would be forever grateful.

“Do you mind if I borrow this?” Delaney pointed to the picture in Lexi’s hand.

“That’s fine.” Mom wiped her eyes and I released her. She continued searching through the boxes, pulling out more pictures — me playing football from peewee to high school. There were so many photos of me winning district and state championships. Looking back, I realized how hard I worked to get where I was — but the demons in my head had a different story. They reminded me what I wanted the most would never happen. I wasn’t worthy of playing for a professional team.

Mom took Lexi and Delaney to the living room and showed them all the trophies I’d won over the years. I told them how I earned them, smiling at those glorious moments. After talking about each of them, the voices swooped in, reminding me it was just luck and my luck was quickly running out.

“It hasn’t been easy. Raven’s had some tough times, but he’s pulled through every time.” Mom patted me on the back while giving me a weak smile. “Isn’t that right?” I hated that I had served my mom a dish full of trouble and heartache. It wasn’t fair to her, yet she stood by my side the entire time. I definitely wasn’t worthy of her devotion or love.

I crossed my arms and took a deep breath. “Yeah.” I kept my eyes to the floor, feeling the guilt consume me from the inside out. It laid on thick, like a sickening cover that had grown over my body and imbedded itself deep within the fibers of my skin. No matter what I did, there was no getting rid of it. It was a part of me, shaping me into the person I had become. No matter how much I regretted all the bad decisions I’d made, nothing would ever change what I had done. And nothing would change who I was.

Delaney took a couple of shots of the trophies before we returned to the kitchen.

“Who’s this with your boys?” Delaney pointed to Roderick, a tall, dark man who was around for a few years before finally leaving my mom for a younger woman. The asshole had two illegitimate kids while he was married to her. It was no wonder Trey had issues like me.

Mom took the picture from Delaney. “Oh, that’s Trey’s dad.” She shook her head and a sickening expression spread across her face. “You don’t want that picture. Believe me. He’s a no good, lazy, lying, cheating piece of shit.”

“Mom.” I motioned with my head, silently telling her Trey and Ashton were in the living room and could hear her.

“What? Trey knows it. He can’t stand him either.” Mom didn’t hold back. She wasn’t ashamed to share her story and was proud of where she was today, despite all the problems she’d endured. I couldn’t help but wonder what Lexi and Delaney were thinking. If Lexi had any doubts, I’m sure my life story confirmed what she knew deep down: I wasn’t good for her. “I’m sorry, girls. We’re not the Cleavers and I won’t pretend to be.”

“It’s okay. My family’s not perfect either. Even though they pretend to be,” Lexi admitted. Although I felt bad for her, the strict upbringing she encountered couldn’t compete with our family issues. I knew she was trying to relate to all our mayhem, but she was on the complete opposite side of the spectrum when it came to my family drama.

“No family is perfect.” Delaney shuffled through a couple of photos scattered on the table. “My parents were killed when I was little and I was put up for adoption. I didn’t have the best childhood, but I’m trying to make the most of my life now. Which isn’t much.” She took a deep breath and her eyes watered. I didn’t know Delaney very well, but hearing that piece of info told me she probably had a few demons of her own. She blinked several times, trying not to cry.

Mom wiped her eyes, dropping more tears at the revelation of Delaney’s story.

“My parents try to rule my life,” Lexi added quickly, trying to divert away from Delaney’s revelation. “I was homeschooled and sheltered from almost everything. I always did everything they asked of me.” She sucked in a quick breath. “It wasn’t until recently that I decided I needed to live my life for me. I was tired of living to please them.”

“See? We don’t come from picture perfect families either. And we aren’t here to judge.” Delaney smiled at Mom.

“Thanks. I appreciate that…it’s just been tough. Not only for Raven, but all of us. Especially after Ashton’s dad died...I haven’t gotten back on track with life.” Mom sniffed and wiped her eyes again, smearing her makeup. “You know what I mean?”

Although I didn’t particularly like Philip, he was the closest thing I’d had to a father. Despite all the arguing and fighting we’d done, I knew he meant well. But I’d never gave him a fair shot. I judged him solely on the fact that he ruled with an iron fist and didn’t like me. In reality, he probably just wanted the best for me. There wouldn’t be a second chance — he was gone and would never return. Oh well. That was life. I failed to seize the moment and now it was too late.

“I’m so sorry for your loss. How long ago did he pass?”

“Two years ago. He had an accident at work.” Mom sighed. “I’m still fighting with those bastards. They claimed he didn’t have an insurance policy and worker’s comp barely covered the medical bills and his funeral.”

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” Delaney’s voice shook, sounding like she was about to cry again.

Lexi reached for Mom’s hand. “If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know.”

Mom gave Lexi a quick squeeze and then grabbed a napkin from the table and blew her nose. “Thank you, girls. I appreciate that.” Looking at Lexi, she said, “Just keep an eye on this one.” Mom nodded in my direction. “He’s trying hard to get his shit together.” Her eyes bore into me, like they did every time I screwed up. I stared at the ground, wishing I could change the cards I had been dealt. “I know you’re too good for him, but he probably needs that.” She pointed a finger at me. “And you better treat her right, not like all those other skanks. You hear me?”

Her words blew up the deck, reminding me of all the hands I’d played without any consideration. “Yes, ma’am,” I muttered, not bothering to look at her. Mom gave me tough love. But sometimes I need a different type of love. I couldn’t blame her, though, I’d taken her to hell and back. She did what she had to do to set me straight. The more I thought about it, the more I realized, I really didn’t deserve Lexi. I looked at her — this perfect angel who deserved the best in life. Mom was right. Lexi was too good for me. I would just destroy her.

Lexi deserved so much more. Collin was who she needed: a good guy with a great future and a perfect past. Not a fuck up like me. My head hung low. How stupid was I? I had to be smokin’ some good shit for the past three months to believe I had a shot at being with her. The worst part, I let Josh and Shawn blow all that smoke up my ass, too. I shook my head. We were all fucked in the head to believe I could change for the better.

There was no saving me.

I was Raven Davenport.

The guy who catches women in his trap, screws them, leaves them, and then does it all over again. The bastard who had nothing but sluts and got off on a good high. Nothing would ever change. I didn’t deserve a better life and I surely didn’t deserve Lexi.

The voices circled in my head, making me insane. The visions that I had buried — all the pain and past hurts were laying there in front of me. Plain as day for me to see. The cards that I carried were my life and would never go away. I hated that I couldn’t conquer the demon voices. They were on a mission. A mission to destroy me. And I was letting them. The fight was over.

∑

Chapter 19

Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.

~Denis Waitley

I drove Lexi and Delaney back to their dorm and dropped them off. I kept my distance and Lexi sensed it. But all I could think about was what my mom had said.
I know you’re too good for him.
Even though I needed someone like Lexi in my life, I wasn’t the one for her. Lexi was the woman every guy dreamed about landing. Beautiful, smart, well-liked, well-behaved, and innocent.

With each passing day, I struggled with the voices in my head telling me to forget about Lexi. She was too good for me. She deserved better. In reality, it was true. But I missed her. I missed seeing her beautiful face and hearing her soothing voice. It taunted me, reminding me of the battle I faced daily. I did what I had to do to get through the day. I studied, worked out, and went to practice. Maybe I was trying to prove that I could do it without her, but I was failing and soon everyone would know.

Out of desperation, I asked her to review my term paper. I knew it was wrong to use her for my benefit, but I did which proved even more how unworthy I was of her love. Typical Raven behavior justified by stupid actions. Yet, I couldn’t stop. I texted her a few more times during the week, but it only made things worse. If I continued to hold on, I’d never let her go. It was impossible to remain friends with her — Lexi meant so much more to me and not being with her was killing me from the inside out.

Lying in bed, I studied for my last final. I stared at the words on the page, re-reading the same paragraph for the last thirty minutes. If I didn’t get my shit together, I’d fail this class, but concentrating seemed nearly impossible. Yawning and stretching, I considered responding to a string of texts from Macy. The girl was desperate to get a little stress relief and God knew I needed it, too.

Scrolling to her name, I stopped at Lexi. I stared at the last message from her and just as I was about to message her, a text appeared.

Lexi: Are you busy?

My heart did a double beat. Apparently, she was thinking of me too. I stared at the screen for a while, contemplating messaging her back. If I did, I knew what would happen and I couldn’t take that risk. I tossed my phone aside and stuck my nose back in my book. It didn’t help. Lexi plagued my mind, making it nearly impossible to think. All the memories of the good times we shared flooded my mind, rushing in and consuming me to the point of suffocation. After thirty minutes of mind battling, I replied.

Me: Yeah, studying. What’s up?

It was cold and unfriendly, but necessary.

Lexi: I’ve got the pictures Delaney borrowed from your mom. She even scanned them on a CD.

Great. More memories to awake the demons.

Me: Okay. I can get them from you later.

Lexi: No problem.

I sighed heavily, looking at the blank message box. Lexi didn’t say anything else and I was glad. If she would’ve asked to see me, I’m not sure I would’ve had the strength to say no. Several minutes passed before I finally tossed my phone to the side. How would I survive without Lexi in my life? I’d have to find a way to move on without her, as much as I didn’t want to.

Somewhere between chapter fifteen and sixteen, I fell asleep with the book splayed across my chest. A buzzing noise woke me and I realized it was coming from my phone. But it wasn’t a text message. Someone on Facebook had contacted me. I opened the app to see a message from Delaney. I hesitated for a moment before reading it.

Delaney: Hey, Raven, I really need a few more shots of you to finish my project. Can I take some of you in your football uniform at the stadium?

I wasn’t sure if she was devising a plan to get me to see Lexi, but knowing how much time and effort she put into the project, I was certain she needed the pictures.

Me: Sure. How about noon tomorrow?

A few minutes passed before she responded.

Delaney: That’s perfect. See you then.

I sent a quick message to the field staff, letting them know Delaney wanted to take pictures of me at the stadium. Since practice was at three, she’d have plenty of time to take whatever pictures she needed. I wondered if she would bring Lexi with her. Part of me wanted to see her, but the other part hoped she wouldn’t show up. Seeing her would only complicate things between us and we were better off going our own way.