A Dinner Of Herbs (47 page)

And the motion, having roused the child, caused it to whimper.

Going to the table she placed the basket on it and not a couple of feet from Roddy, and she watched

him stare down at it with a look that was a mixture of amazement and something else,

and the only name

she could put to it was horror.

“There you are then. How would you like to take it and its mother back to town with you and introduce

them to your fine friends?”

“Mary Ellen.” The sound of his voice was like a growl. It was evident he could find no words to say,

but she could find plenty, for now she said, “Be sure your sins will find you out. That’s why you haven’t

put in an appearance, isn’t it? You were afraid in the beck of your mind what you would find.”

Now he did speak. His voice raised, he cried at her.

“And who’s fault was it? I’ll ask you that. You were like a crazed thing.”

They stood glaring at each other, both their faces scarlet. She saw him now as the old Roddy: the

gentleman facade had dropped away, his voice and manner was recognizable as those of

the boy and the

man she had loved, and she was back on the quarry top, his voice growling at her, “You shouldn’t have

made me do it.”

All of a sudden she felt utterly deflated, all the fight went out of her and in its place she experienced a

wave of humiliation.

At the drooping of her head, he too felt ashamed, and he muttered, “I’m sorry. But you make me say

these things. Anyway, you needn’t worry, I’ll support it. As soon as I’ve finished this course I’m being

offered a position.”

She raised her head and looked at him again. He’d support the child.

No talk of marrying her and taking her back. And this exclusion of herself from his life brought her

tongue snapping again: “Thank you, but she doesn’t need your support. We have

managed so far, we’ll

manage the rest of the way.... You said you would support her, what about me? I don’t

come into it, I

suppose. You didn’t say, “ Qh Mary Ellen, I must take you back with me to live among

my fine friends

and show you a new way of life. “ I wouldn’t fit in, I suppose, for they wouldn’t be able to mould me

like they have you.”

Now he came back at her, saying quietly but pointedly, “You’re quite right, Mary Ellen, for once you’ve

said the right thing, because you wouldn’t conform, no matter where you were. You’ve

got to say what

you think without stopping to think. It’s always been the same with you.”

“All right. That’s how I am, and that’s how I’ll go on being. But I’m going to tell you something. I’m

going to tell you what you are, what I was too blind to see for years. You’re the biggest upstart that I’ll

ever come across, no matter how long I live; you’re like the devil on horseback ridin’ to hell, an’ mark

my words, you’ll reach it one day.

That’s what I prophesy for you, you’ll reach it one day. And let me tell you something else. Had you

come here this morning and, havin’ seen her’she thrust her finger towards the child ‘then asked me to

marry you, you know what I would have said, in what you call this coarse blunt way of

mine? I would

have said, thank you very much, but you are months too late, a year too late. And I say to you now,

thank God you are, because I’ve realized since the very night she was conceived that

what I felt for you

was a silly childish emotion, the payment that all young girls have to go through. But from that night I

knew I had been a fool and from the day she was born I knew who I loved, and who I’m

goin’ to

marry. Aye, widen your eyes, who I’m goin’ to marry. And that’s Hal. “

Her eyes flicked from his face towards the scullery door; then back to him again, to see that he was on

the point of a great laugh, and the laughter was in his voice as he said, “Hal? You and Hal? My God!

Never. You’ve torn at each other’s throats since I can remember. You and Hal? “

“Yes, me and Hal. And you’re right, we did go for each other, but we didn’t realize it was a cover up,

at least I didn’t, until he saved me life when she was born.” She pointed to the child.

“But for him I wouldn’t be here, nor would she, because he brought your daughter into

life and fought to

keep me alive for days after. And after coming through snowdrifts that nobody else

would tackle.”

“My! My! Very heroic of him.”

“Don’t you sneer, Roddy Greenbank, for he was a good mate to you for years. Aye, like

me, he was

foolish enough to trail you, ‘cos you had a bonny face. Aye.” She nodded as if to herself now.

“Aye, I suppose that was the attraction, your bonny face. But look at it now. Have you seen yourself of

late? You’re bloated.”

“Shut up!”

“Don’t you tell m&to shut up.”

“Well, keep that tongue of yours under control. Any way, I came here to see Kate and

settle her

affairs.”

“Settle her affairs! What affairs?”

“Her personal affairs. I was nearest to her.”

“Oh! Oh!” She moved her head slowly up and down.

“You’re talkin’ about the money behind the brick.”

“Yes, I suppose, that an’ all. It happened to be mine.”

“It happened to be hers, and you told her that more than a few times.”

“Yes, when she was alive she could have used it.”

“Well, she took it as hers alive or dead, because she made out a sort of will.”

“A will?”

“Aye, that’s what I said, a will.” She walked now across the room and from a drawer in the press she

took out a sheet of paper, and as she handed it to him she said, “She got the doctor to do it for her so it

would be legal like, because there wasn’t only what you consider to be your money

behind the brick, but

the bits and pieces she had made over the years and more so during these last months

when she was

training me in the use of the herbs so as I could make it into a business and support me self Well, she

started the business, you could say, right away for from then all her callers had to pay for their potions.

So the money behind the brick mounted and what she left was seventy-eight pounds and

nine pence ha’

penny She left it to me, as she did the furniture’—she spread out her hand ‘but more so, and above

everything else, she gave me her love, because when it was known I was carrying a hairn, I was turned

out of me job at the farm and even me da closed the door on me. But Kate’s door was

always open, as

was her heart. So I’m afraid, Roddy’she made slow motions with her head now ‘you’re

goin’ back to

London empty-handed. But then I shouldn’t imagine that you need any money: you’re

got up like a

gentleman; you can order a trap now whereas once the cart was all you could’ rise to.”

She watched his face turning to almost a purple hue, but she went on undaunted, saying more quietly

now, “But are all these outward trappings just something’ for show, cast-offs from Mr.

Cottle?”

She stopped and watched him pull at his breath and she heard it hiss through his teeth.

Then he said

grimly, “Mr. Cottle died nine months ago. And now for your information, I can tell you that I am

marrying Mary ... Mrs. Cottle at the end of the year.” And bending slightly towards her, he continued, “I

shall tell her of this.” He extended a flat hand towards the child lying in the basket.

“She is a very understanding person and will likely offer to adopt it.”

“What! You dare, you dare suggest such a thing!”

“Well, if she’s mine it would only be the right thing to do, wouldn’t it?”

She glared at him, fear in her eyes for a moment, before she said, “But you can’t prove she’s yours, can

you? I could have been with Hal, or half a dozen, because let me tell you, it isn’t for the want of

chances. They’re around me like flies; I’m practically vying with Maggie Oates.”

He was gaping at her in amazement now. When he had last seen her she had been a very

young girl,

pouring her love over him, determined to tie him to her with it; here was no girl, but a woman, a bonny

woman, even more, a beautiful woman; she had a figure now where she’d had none

before. Some

buried part of him stirred and he knew a moment of regret and longing, together with

envy of his one-time

friend: London, Mary Cottle, the art galleries, the high-flown conversations, the select little dinners,

prospect of what he might in the future achieve in the art world, were all arrayed at one side of the table

and at the other was this woman. Had he been a fool? Was he being a fool? No, no.

Looks or no looks, she was still Mary Ellen with a tongue that could clip clouts. Yet, in town she would

have been considered witty. Well, if not witty, quick on the uptake, especially for a

woman. Yet, as she

had said, she could never have been moulded, she would have always remained what she

was, a country

maid, capable of handling any domestic chore that a farm required. No, you could never alter a vixen,

and she was a vixen. And he said as much now.

“You know what you are Mary Ellen, and always will be? A vixen.”

“Aye, well, it will be good for you to keep remembering that. Let you or your fancy lady lay any claim

to her and you won’t know what’s hit you. Hal’ll see to that.”

“Oh, Hal! Hal! You know’—he gave a sarcastic laugh ‘that amazes me, you and Hal.

Huh! You and

Hal. Anyway, I wish you luck, both of you.

You’ll need it, because, you see, I know you, both him and you. “

“Aye, you do, or you did. You knew us for two soppy fools trailin’ after you. Anyway,

when we’re

givin’ out luck, I’ll give you mine an’ all, with your old woman.”

She thought for a moment he was going to raise his hand, and she narrowed her eyes at

him and turned

her head slightly to the side as if in warning. She watched him grind his teeth and saw the muscles of his

jaw moving against his skin. But he did not come back at her;

instead, he snatched his hat from the table and made towards the door;

and as he did so, a wave of remorse came over her, and she wanted to rush to him and

say, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry. Don’t let us part like this. I don’t wish you any harm. But as she reached the door and saw

him mount the trap, the look on his face stilled her tongue, and the thought came to her: He hasn’t even

asked what I’ve called her.

After he had turned the trap around she took three steps towards it, calling in an ordinary voice now,

“Are you goin’ to the cemetery?

She’s buried on the left-hand side. “ And for a moment it seemed he was about to answer her, but he

whipped up the horse and it went into a trot.

She stood watching it; then suddenly she turned about and ran round the side of the

cottage and there,

putting her head out against the wall, she bent over and vomited.

When she felt the touch on her shoulder she became still, and when she turned around she kept her head

bent deeply on her chest.

Hal now slid his arm about her and walked her along the side of the cottage and into the scullery, and

there, she drew herself from him and, going to the sink, she took a mug from the side

bench and dipped it

into a bucket of clean water, and swilled her mouth; then taking the corner of her apron, she ran it round

her face;

But she didn’t move from the sink until his arm came about her shoulder again.

Once more he was leading her, and into the room now, and to the settle. And after

lowering her on to it,

he dropped to his knees in front of her and, lifting her chin up, he looked into her face and muttered,

“Mary Ellen. Oh! Mary Ellen.” And with a swift movement now he thrust his arms

around her waist and

buried his head in her lap, and so strong was the trembling of his body that it came

through into hers, and

she placed her hands on his head and stroked his hair.

When, still holding her, he turned his face to the side and said, “I love you. I love you. I do. I do. Oh!

Mary Ellen,” she put her hands on his face and raised it upwards and, bending down

towards him, she

whispered now, “I love you, an’ all, Hal.” Then with a gulp in her throat, she said, “You heard it all?”

“Aye. Aye, I heard it all, and I’ve never been so happy in me life afore. Chalk and

cheese, we might be,

but you’re for me. I’ve known that for years. But that you should care for me, ever ...

that’s something I

faced up to a long time ago an’ all, ‘cos I never thought it would come about, never,

never. Yet I started

to hope a little bit after the child was born. That was when you changed towards me,

wasn’t it?”

“No, no, Hal.” She shook her head.

“It was from Now she looked to the side, slightly ashamed of what she was about to say,

“ It was from

nine months afore that, from the night she came into being. Something happened to me

then, although I

wouldn’t face up to it. I thought, you can’t stop lovin’ somebody just like that, you’ve got to go on lovin’

them, if you’ve always loved them, you can’t change. And then, as the months grew and

she became

heavier inside me, I realized there is love an’ love, different kinds. What I had for him was . was like the

mania that attacks all young lasses: they think they’ll die if they don’t get what they want.

I. I thought it

was love, but it was just the pains of growing. I knew what love really meant when I saw you comin’