A Dinner Of Herbs (88 page)

her hand up to her head and mutter, “You ... you must be jokin’.” And he made no reply to this, he just

sat staring at them.

And Mary Ellen stared back at him. She knew it had been an inane reply to make, you

must be joking,

but how could she voice the words that were running round in her mind: the audacity, the bare-faced

audacity, of all the damned impudence to turn up here after all this time. She jerked her head to the side

as Hal spoke. His voice a rumble, he was saying, “A girl like that would never fit in here.

You must

know that.

She smacks of the town. And there’s bound to be some of your high up friends who

would give her a

home. “

Roddy pulled himself upwards in the chair now and, his hands gripping the arms, he leant forward

towards Hal, saying grimly, “Yes, they would come forward in their dozens, literally

dozens, to give her a

home, and she would be as safe with them as a virgin, which she is, in a brothel. There’s a world out

there, Hal, or up there as you yourself might put it, among the class that you know

nothing of.

Respectability is like thick cream on the top, but there’s a pail full of whey beneath it and its rank. I

know that nobody can teach you anything about life in the country, but there’s another kind of life, Hal, a

different kind of life.”

“Your wife, where is she?”

He turned and looked at Mary Ellen, saying simply, “Dead these five years.”

“What about her people? They would surely take her?”

Roddy wetted his full lips.

“She wasn’t my wife, Mary Ellen, my wife had no use for children. I had ... I had a

mistress. She was

Yvonne’s mother. She brought her up until she was seven and then I sent her to a convent school.”

“Did you marry her after, the mother?” It seemed an odd question to ask, yet she wanted to know.

And when he answered flatly, “No, of course not,” she thought: You wouldn’t. No, you

wouldn’t.

“Where is she now?”

“She’s dead too. She died three years ago. From then I brought Yvonne to live with me.”

“How old is she?” Mary Ellen waited for his answer. She saw him look down towards his

knees before

saying, “Sixteen.”

“She looks younger.”

“Yes. “ He nodded at her.

“That’s the trouble. Her whole appearance is deceptive. But she’s not young in her mind.

She’s very

bright, clever, accomplished in many ways. Except’ —he forced a smile to his face ‘in

English. We

speak mostly in our own language over there.”

She noticed that he referred to French as his own language.

“Does she still go to school?”

Again he hesitated, then said, “No, no, she ... she left some time ago. Well?” He looked from one to the

other. And they looked at each other and both shook their heads, and it was Mary Ellen who spoke,

saying, “It’s no good. I’m sorry, Roddy. As Hal here says, she’s of the town. You should see that.

And what’s for a girl like that here?

We have no social life, except among the family, and there’d be no men around here,

among those we

know, who would be suitable for the likes of her. “

“She likes ordinary people and she doesn’t care for the town. We had a cottage in the

country and she

was never happier than when she was there, and she’s adaptable. And although she

knows her own

mind and would stand up for herself, she.. she would be eaten alive if I were to leave her in Paris.

There’s many ways a girl like her can be ruined. You don’t know.” He shook his head.

“Life here He now looked from one end of the room to the other, his expression

encompassing the

whole area as if they were on another planet, before he looked fully at Hal now, saying quietly, “ We

thought we knew life when we were lads, we thought we knew it all because we had

witnessed murder,

but I’ve learned since that even murder can be clean compared to some things. “

Hal rose abruptly now as also did his voice as he said, “Well, there must be a lot of

uncivilized and filthy

buggers among your friends, that’s all I can say, if there’s not one of them she can go to.”

Roddy’s voice remained low in reply as he said, “I’ve told you, Hal, there are dozens and dozens I

could let her go to and who would take her gladly, but men are men, even the best of

them, and she’s

made that way she has an effect on people, especially on women, wives in particular.

They see her as a

menace.”

“Already, at her age?”

He nodded towards Mary Ellen, repeating her words, “Already at her age. Yes, already.

Yet, she’s of

the most loving and kind nature you would ever come across.”

“My God!” Hal was walking up and down in his characteristic way now, talking as he

strode, “Tis like

you to turn up and put us in this situation, one that we can’t handle. I’m sorry. I am really, Roddy, that

you find yourself in this fix, but’—he stopped ‘about this business ... well, the time you have. What’s

wrong with you?”

“A number of things.” The answer came quietly.

“But the heart mostly.”

“Overeating, I suppose. Look at you.”

“Yes, yes, that could be true. But eating can be a sort of compensation, compulsory

compensation.

You’—he turned his head from one to the other ‘have been fortunate. You blame me for

keeping my

distance all these years. It isn’t that I haven’t thought of you and envied you, and I mean that, envied

you. The worst thing that life did to me was to give me the power to draw. But for that, I’d have been

here yet.” He stared at Mary Ellen until her glance fell away. This did not go unnoticed by Hal, and, his

voice louder now, he said, “Aye, well, you made your choice. You couldn’t get away

quick enough.

Remember that, man. Anyway, your fame should be some compensation, ‘cos your

pictures sell they

say. Oh—’ He waved his hand now to the seated man, saying, “We may be in the back of

beyond here,

but Hugh and Gabriel are in the town and we get all the news, literary and otherwise from them. They

went to see your last exhibition in the gallery. You were to come and open it, but you didn’t turn up, did

you?”

“I was ill. I only got as far as London.”

“That was three years ago or more.”

“Yes. I was told then I had only six months to go, but you see’—he shrugged his

shoulders—” I’m still

here. But a fortnight ago I had a London opinion and it seems to be final. Anyway—’ He pulled himself

slowly to his feet now, saying, “I see you don’t feel you’re able to help me in this, and I can understand.

Yes, I can understand.”

Mary Ellen too was on her feet and, looking at him, she said softly, “There’s Kate, too, you know,

Roddy. What would she think? Because no matter ... well....”

When she paused Hal put in roughly, “Go on. Go on, say it. I’ve got a skin like a hide, makes no

difference to me. They’d be half-sisters.

That’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it? “ Then swinging round, he stared at Roddy, saying, “ I’m

sorry for you, that you’ve been given notice like this, but at the same time I’ve got to say this, you’ve got

a real bloody nerve. You were born to be a disturber of the peace, d’you know that? All these years we

sail along peacefully, or near so, and then you turn up like a hurricane and wreak havoc on. “

“Hal! Hal, stop it! He knows the situation. He doesn’t need to be reminded. Nor do I.”

Then looking

at Roddy again, she said quietly, “I’m sorry, but it would be impossible in more ways

than one. You can

see that, surely?”

“Yes, yes, I understand, and ... and I’m sorry I’ve disturbed you both, but... well.... Oh’—

he shook his

head ‘there’s no need for any more talking.” He looked at his watch.

“We should get a train from Haydon Bridge around four o’clock,” he said.

“We can just manage it if we leave now.” A forced smile came on his face as he looked at Hal, saying,

“Amazing isn’t it, to be able to get a train from Haydon Bridge into Newcastle.

Remember the carrier

cart? I suppose you have the post delivered now too?”

“Oh, that’s been delivered for years, and more bother than it’s worth, I may say. At one time you could

go to the office and pick up your letters, now they’ll hardly give them to you at the end of the road.

Must hand them in at the door. A lot of damned nonsense. “

Mary Ellen now interrupted hesitantly, “I ... I’ll tell your daughter, and also Tom Briggs, that you’re

ready to go.... I bet you were surprised to see him still running his own trap?”

“Yes, yes, I was, Mary Ellen. He must be near eighty, but appears as spritely as ever.”

She went out, leaving the two men together. And an embarrassed silence fell on them

until Hal, his head

bent and his words little above a mutter, said, “I’m sorry, Roddy. I am. I am, really. No matter what

I’ve said, it’s hard to face up to things near the end. I know that, I’ve experienced it a little of late an’

all.” He tapped his chest.

“This doesn’t get any better with the years, and I fear one of the bouts will finish me. So I know, too, a

little how you feel. And ..

and about the lass. I . I wish I could do something, but. well, it’s all been said, it would never work

out. She would wither here, a lass like that. There’s something about her, a sort of

brightness that. that

this life would dim. “

“Yes, as you say, there’s something about her, a sort of brightness.

But I don’t think this life would dim it, she would shine through it.

Still, no more can be said. “ He held out his hand, saying, “ Goodbye, Hal. “

When Hal took the hand he was unable to speak for a moment, and when he did, all he

could say was,

“Aw, lad.” Then they both turned and walked down the room towards the door. When

they entered the

hall, Mary Ellen, Maggie, and the girl were coming in from the kitchen and, going

straight to her father,

the girl looked up at him and spoke again in rapid French.

Roddy answered in the same tongue, and she stared at him before, turning and looking at Mary Ellen,

she said, “I’m sad ... sorry. It it would have been good ... nice.”

Mary Ellen looked into the pale face. It did not look that of a girl any longer, but of some adult, a wise,

understanding adult. It gave her a strange uneasy feeling.

“Viens, papa.” And the girl gently took hold of her father’s arm.

“Your hat,” he said, and when she looked towards the table, Maggie quickly turned and

brought the

high-crowned velvet hat to her. And the girl thanked her in French, and put the bonnet on. Then again

turning to her father, she took his arm; and like that they went out of the front door and on to the drive

where the trap was waiting with John standing by it.

“Goodbye, John.” Roddy held out his hand and John shook it, saying, “Goodbye, sir.”

Then he looked

at the young girl who was looking up at him, and when she said, “Goodbye, Jean, and

thank you. I much

enjoyed the cows,” he did not speak but, taking her elbow, he helped her up into the trap.

And when

Tom Briggs called, “Gee-up! there,” and the horse went off at a sharp walk towards the gates, the girl

turned and waved, and they all waved back.

No one spoke as now, instead of entering the house by the front door, it seemed natural for them to

walk round the side, down the yard, and into the kitchen; and there John asked abruptly,

“What did he

want?”

Hal turned towards the fireplace and, bending forward, held his hands out to the blaze, while Mary Ellen

stood by the table, her hands resting on it as she said, “He wanted us to take her. He’s only got a short

time.... He’s bad, ill.”

There was a long pause before John spoke, saying, his tone holding an incredible note,

“And you

wouldn’t?”

“No. No, we couldn’t.” Mary Ellen’s voice was high now.

“There’s Kate to think about. And ... and she wouldn’t have fitted in here. just look at her.”

“I did. What makes you think she wouldn’t have fitted in?”

“She’s a town girl. She’s ... well, convent bred, polished.”

“She’s a lonely girl.” The words were flat, dull-sounding from Maggie’s lips, and brought their attention

to her. Even her father turned from the fireplace and stared at her as she added, “She’s sort of lost.”

“How, in the name of God, do you make that out, our Maggie?” Mary Ellen’s head was

bouncing now.

“I don’t know how in the name of God I make it out. I only know what I feel about her, and I don’t see

why you couldn’t have let her stay.

She’d have brought a little lightness into this place, anyway. “

“My God! Am I hearin’ aright?” Her father was at the other side of the table now

standing near Mary

Ellen.

“Is life so bloody dull here that it needs a light?”

“Yes, it is, if you want to know. It’s dull. Dull. And if John here was speaking the truth, he would say

the same. What life do we have anyway? A bachelor and an old maid as you’ve dubbed

me yourself,

Mam.

And you can’t say you haven’t. That girl would have brought some lightness into our

existence; talked

about another way of life. She was bright, intelligent. “

“God Almighty! I don’t think I’m hearin’ aright.” Hal brought his hand across his mouth.

“But, yes I am, because you’ve been cantankerous since the day you were born. You