A Field Guide for Heartbreakers (23 page)

Chapter Twenty-seven

T
he tail of a cheetah was much fatter than I realized. And when the big cat swished it, it didn’t come across as a playful act. The tail seemed capable of delivering a deadly blow. Cheetahs. It made sense that my excursion to Prague would finally lead here.Pacing atop their grass hillock, the spotted sprinters looked bigger and more muscular than I’d expected. According to a sign on the fence, the Prague zoo had been one of the first gardens in the world where cheetahs had been bred successfully. How ironic.I understood it now. Veronica and Hamilton were talking behind my back because they were secretly in love with each other. It explained so much. Why Veronica had compared herself to a cheetah. Why Hamilton had dumped me without any warning and why Veronica had likewise dumped Boz. Nothing course-changing had happened, and yet they’d both exited their relationships. I left the cheetahs in disgust and sought out the polar bears. I stood on the other side of the fence and thought about how sad it was that polar bears were going extinct. Everything was heating up. The whole planet. My mind was unraveling. I mean, Hamilton and Veronica had probably been denying this for years, and then finally their passion for each other had ignited in one big fiery burst. In retrospect, this wasn’t that surprising. Because Hamilton and Veronica always disliked each other so much, even when there was no reason to dislike each other. It had to have been unacknowledged sexual tension. I’d read an article about sexual tension in a women’s magazine. Apparently, desire is an emotion that can’t be successfully suppressed for longer than a year. Because when you push it down, it only tries harder to escape. I couldn’t recall what advice the article offered. I only remembered the picture of the exploding volcano at the top of the page.Everywhere I looked, there were signs providing a history of the flood. I remembered the word Waller had used to describe the situation: Apocalypse. I couldn’t shake that word. It seemed so apt, now that everything in my life had become a catastrophe. I made my way to the giant tortoises and watched one inch its ridiculously large, shelled body across a cement pond. Then I walked to the gorilla pavilion and read about the tragic death of one of them during the flood. Stupid flood. Lousy apocalypse. I staggered through the zoo like my own version of a wounded animal. I could never trust anybody again. Even people who I loved and had already been trusting for years. I don’t remember how I got home. I only know that I carried a small bird feather—I think it came from an owl—all the way there.At the crack of dawn, somebody knocked on my door, but I ignored it. Even when the knock was accompanied by the words, “It’s me, Veronica. Please open up,” I didn’t feel the need to respond.“I’m going to stand outside your door until you open it and are willing to talk to me,” Veronica said.I waved to the closed door and didn’t say anything.“I think I just felt you flip me the bird.” She was so smart. She was trying to trick me into denying that I’d flipped her the bird in order to trigger a conversation between us. It didn’t work.“Corky, leave me alone,” Veronica said.“Well, if it isn’t Veronica Knox talking to Dessy Gherkin’s door. How appropriate,” Corky said.I almost felt bad for Veronica.“You two acted like you had such a
special
friendship. But look at you. You’re just a couple of frauds,” Corky said.“You say one more unkind thing about Dessy, and I will stab you with a fork,” Veronica said.“No you won’t,” Corky said. “Because you know I’d stab you back so much harder.”I hoped that some sort of massive fork stabbing wasn’t about to occur outside my room. Because if it did, I’d feel compelled to open my door and try to tamp it down. And the last thing I needed to encounter in my present emotional state was blood.“Can’t you both go away?” I said.“Open the door!” Veronica said.“Keep it closed!” Corky said. “Teach this twit a lesson.”“I’m trying to sleep,” I said.“I can talk to you while you slumber,” Veronica said. “If you let me explain things, you’ll be less pissed.”“Honestly, Veronica, I don’t think there is anything you could say that would make me less pissed.”“Dessy, if you give me a chance, I can make sense out of all of this. You know me. I’m not a deceitful person.” “Yes you are,” Corky said.“Not when it comes to Dessy!” Veronica said.As much as I didn’t want to believe Veronica, as much as I wanted to remain angry and keep my distance, I knew that at some point I needed to listen to what she had to say. But was right now that point? I wasn’t sure. I stood up and walked toward my door, but I couldn’t open it. I wasn’t ready.“What do I need to do to make you leave?” Veronica yelled to Corky. “Throw a stick?” “You’re so shallow, it compromises your intelligence,” Corky shouted back.“So what if I’m shallow,” Veronica said. “You’re fat!”“I can lose weight!” Corky said.“I can gain depth!” Veronica said.“No you can’t,” Corky said. “You’re a douche bag!”“So are you!” Veronica said.I wanted the petty arguing to stop. Eventually I would have to face the truth. Rather than waste any more energy on this situation, I decided to give Veronica what she wanted. “Veronica, I’ll meet you at the bagel café in an hour.”“Don’t say that with Corky right here!” Veronica said. “She’ll follow us.”“Maybe I won’t,” Corky said.“Stop touching me,” Veronica said.“What are you going to do if I don’t?” Corky asked.“Veronica, meet me at the place where I went without you.” I knew she’d understand that I meant the Astronomical Clock. “You went someplace without me?” she asked.“Yeah, but you also went there with Alexej,” I said.“How do you know where I went with Alexej?” she asked.I guess this accidental confession meant that I wouldn’t make a very good spy. “I followed you a little,” I said.“Wait a minute,” Veronica said. “Were you carrying an umbrella, because I totally think I saw you!”“I’m done talking about this. Just go to that place.”“I’m not sure which place you mean,” Veronica said.“The place I went with Waller that wasn’t the Drunk House that you felt I should have visited with you.” I was disappointed that I had to give her another hint.“She’s talking about the Astronomical Clock,” Corky said.“Shut up, Corky!” I said.“Okay. How about this,” said Veronica. “I’ll meet you at Paul the Baptist in an hour.”I heard the front door slam.“Are you still there, Corky?” I asked.“Yes,” she said. “Don’t worry. I don’t plan on stalking you and Veronica.”“I wasn’t worried.” “Sure you weren’t.” The door slammed again. Then there was silence. And even though I really didn’t feel like it, I had to get up and get ready to go out into the world and live another possibly miserable day.As I was leaving the dorm, I walked past the pay phone and it nearly leapt into my hand. Before I could even question the impulse, I dialed my home in Ohio.
MOM:
I was just thinking about you, Dessy. How are things?
ME:
They could be going better.
MOM:
Are you low on funds?
ME:
I’m okay on funds.
MOM:
Well, if you’ve got money in the bank, all other obstacles are a matter of attitude.
ME:
That doesn’t make any sense. What if I was being attacked by a bear?
MOM:
Cities don’t have bears. Especially in Europe. Are you still in the city?
ME:
Yes. But it’s getting a little challenging. International travel isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
MOM:
You sound grumpy.
ME:
I guess I am a little grumpy.
MOM:
Is there anything I can do?
ME:
I sort of want to talk to Dad.
MOM:
You do?
ME:
Yes. That’s what I said.
MOM:
He’s working in the garage.
ME:
Really? He never goes into the garage.
MOM:
He’s fixing the lawn mower.
ME:
When did we get a lawn mower?
MOM:
Stewart raised his price, so your father bought a lawn mower.
ME:
But Dad doesn’t know how to fix things. Especially not a machine with sharp rotating blades and a motor.
MOM:
You’re being very critical.
ME:
I want to talk to him!
MOM:
Maybe you should calm down and call him later.
ME:
I am calm!
MOM:
What’s this about?
ME:
I’m concerned about something.
MOM:
You’re concerned about your father?
ME:
No. I’m concerned about me and Dad. The two of us. Have you ever noticed that we don’t connect? We don’t talk about anything important. Ever. It’s like we’re related and then we don’t have a relationship beyond that.
MOM:
That’s not true.
ME:
Of course it’s true! We never talk about anything important ever.
MOM:
That’s just the way your father’s built. Some men are like that.
ME:
Dad’s got to talk about important things with someone. Why not me?
MOM:
You really need to stop yelling.
ME:
I’m not yelling! I’m just loud when I make international calls.
MOM:
Is something else going on? Is this about Hamilton’s letter?
ME:
I haven’t even read Hamilton’s stupid letter!
MOM:
Why not? Hasn’t it arrived yet?
ME:
Oh, it arrived here all right!
MOM:
Oh no!
ME:
Why are you screaming? How bad can Hamilton’s letter be? What’s in the letter?
MOM:
Blood!
ME:
What? Hamilton sent me blood?
MOM:
No. It’s your father. Don’t stand there, Walter. Come over here and bleed in the sink!
ME:
Is it serious?
MOM:
Your father cut off his hand!
ME:
Off?
MOM:
Not off. I’ve got to go. Wrap a towel around it, Walter!
Click
.I hung up the phone. That exchange did little to comfort me. Plus, it had done nothing to further my relationship with my father. My ears still rang from my mother’s piercing cry of the word “blood.” I hoped things weren’t as bad as they sounded. At least my parents had health insurance. I’d call back later to check on them.Walking down the boulevard at Wenceslas Square, I wasn’t sure what Veronica could possibly say. That she actually hadn’t started dating Hamilton yet, but that she wanted my permission? Was she going to make some philosophical argument about love and destiny and the fickle heart? I tried to picture Veronica with Hamilton. It made me want to vomit.I spotted her right away, standing beside the statue wearing a pair of cute lavender shorts and a white T-shirt. She had her dark hair pulled back into a tidy ponytail, and she was smiling.“Thanks for coming,” she said, rushing toward me.I let her hug me, but I didn’t hug back.“I want to tell you everything,” she said. She took my hand and led me to a bench. I sat down next to her and remained stiff.“Can you not shoot daggers at me when I talk?” Veronica said. “It’s going to make this harder.”“Well, considering how I feel, I really can’t control what my eyes are doing,” I said.Veronica nodded. “I’m trying to figure out where to start.”I didn’t try to help her.“I mean, there’s this thing that happened three months before Prague, and then something happened a few days before we left, and then there’s stuff that’s happened while we’ve been here. I mean, there’s a lot of stuff to tell you.”I was stunned. Something had happened three months before Prague? What? A flirty letter? A phone call? A kiss? I grabbed my stomach.“Why don’t you just tell me how long you’ve been in love with Hamilton behind my back,” I said.Veronica’s jaw dropped; she stared at me with the bulging eyes of a truly flabbergasted person. “I’m not in love with Hamilton!” “I think you’re lying,” I said. “Dessy, what’s happening with me and Hamilton isn’t romantic in any way,” Veronica said. “In fact, it’s the opposite of that. I’ve only been in contact with him because I’m worried about you.”“Why did you tell him that the situation is hot?” I asked.“Because it is. This has turned into a freaking inferno!”I couldn’t disagree with that.“Okay,” Veronica said, “clearly you haven’t read his letter.”“I haven’t been able to gear myself up for that.”“After you hear what I have to say, you probably don’t even need to read it. It’s probably going to be very hurtful.”“His letter isn’t about getting back together, is it?” I asked.“No,” she said. “He’s going to admit that he was seeing somebody else.”Hearing it felt like somebody had dropped a piano on me. Followed by a series of bowling balls. And then jabbed pushpins into my already crushed heart. He wasn’t in love with Veronica. That was an enormous relief. But the one thing I didn’t want to believe about Hamilton Stacks turned out to be true. He was a cheater. A terrible, horrible, atrocious cheater.“Who?” I wiped tears from my cheeks.“He’s a real, genuine asshole, Dessy. They don’t make them any assier.”“Who?” I demanded.“Gloria Fitz.”I nearly tipped off the bench. Veronica reached out and stabilized me. I assumed the person would be some sort of brilliant scholar and fellow bird lover. “But she’s not even interesting!” I said. “She just follows around those other dips. She goes to the mall all the time. She’s nothing like Hamilton. I bet she doesn’t even recognize birds, let alone respect them.”“Trust me, those two will be busted up before Labor Day for sure.”But Labor Day was weeks away, and I wanted their relationship to disintegrate immediately. “When did they start dating?” I asked. “How did it happen?”“They were lab partners in anatomy and physiology. I suspect it happened when they dissected a starfish together,” she said. “It’s sort of an intimate endeavor. You have to sit very close for that. And share a scalpel.” My mind kept trying to picture Hamilton and Gloria together. But it couldn’t. Their features didn’t match. Their personalities were too different. They didn’t belong together, even in a mental image.“Weren’t you in that class?” I asked. “Didn’t you see this happening?”“No, not at all,” Veronica said. “I was busy dissecting my own starfish. Plus, I slept a lot in there. But we were always watching those films on reproduction. It makes sense in retrospect that a relationship could be kick-started in that environment, but I never suspected it was happening. I would have come to you right away if I had.”Veronica squeezed my hand several times. I believed her. I trusted that what she had said so far was the truth.“So when did you find out?” I asked. “It happened in a weird way,” Veronica said. “Did you walk in on them?” I asked.“Gross,” Veronica said. “Witnessing something that disgusting would probably render me blind.” She stuck out her tongue and let it hang there for a few seconds. “This is what happened. Back in February, I spotted Gloria zipping herself into some shapewear in the girl’s bathroom. I guess that’s how she fits into her jeans.”“She was standing in the middle of the girl’s bathroom zipping herself into a girdle?” I asked. That did seem weird.“Oh no,” Veronica said. “She was in a stall. I saw her through the crack.” “You peeked at her while she was in the stall?”“Yeah. After I heard this prolonged zipping sound, I had to know what was going on in there.”“Did she freak out when she saw you looking?” I asked.“No,” Veronica said. “She didn’t see me. Her back was to me. So I decided to have some fun with this. I sent her an e-mail and told her that I knew her secret. And then she sent me an e-mail begging me not to tell you.”“You’ve known since February that Gloria and Hamilton have been involved, and I’m only finding out in July?”“Relax,” Veronica said. “I thought she wanted me not to tell you about the shapewear. I didn’t know she was having a fling with your birdboy.” I hated it when Veronica referred to Hamilton as my “birdboy.” Before I found out about his infidelity, the title always struck me as unflattering to him. Now, knowing his true character, I felt the title reflected poorly on birds. “Why would I care about her shapewear?” I asked. “You never put two and two together?”Veronica leaned into me. “I thought you were her body-image doppelgänger.”“Huh?”“Her body-image doppelgänger. The person you know with your similar body type who you hold up as a point of constant comparison. In my defense, I think it was out of the realm of human comprehension that Hamilton would develop feelings for