A Four Letter Word (13 page)

"Great, I'm…um…I'm starved," he barely says above a whisper. And when he looks at me, I get the feeling he's not starving for food, because right now at the very moment, I'm not starving for food. I'm starving for something else—I'm starving for him.

"Right this way." I gesture to the table, but being the gentleman, he motions for me to go ahead of him.

I may or may not swish my hips a little more than usual. My little actions cause him to moan. Dinner and this date are going to be—amazing!

chapter 12

Winter Break, Senior Year, Northwestern University

"
Zoey, are you sure you don't want to come home with me? My parents really won't mind," Ashlee asks me for about the hundredth time, pity, again, in her voice.

"Ash, I swear, I'll be fine. I'm just
gonna study, catch a movie or two, and…"

"Sweetie, that's no way to spend Christmas. Please come home with me? It would mean so…"

"Thanks, Ashlee, but, I wouldn't be great company…so not into the holiday spirit and all, ya know?"

How can I be? My parents, at the last minute, decided to go on an Alaskan cruise. They said I was more than welcome to "tag" along, but even though
they're my parents, I didn't want to feel like the third wheel. I think the cruise is more like a second honeymoon, rather than a holiday thing. So, yeah, don't want to be that third wheel. Besides, seeing your parents all googley-eyed and making out makes me what to upchuck my holiday cookies and eggnog.

Ewwwwwww
.

"
Zoey? Zoey? Hey, did you hear me?" Ashlee interrupts my inner ramblings.

When I look up at her, she is weighed down with more luggage than is probably necessary for Winter Break, but that's my Ashlee.

"No, sorry," I quickly apologize.

She drops her bags and walks towards me. "I said, if you change your mind, I expect you to call me, okay?"

I stand up from the couch. "Okay, I will."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

I know she won't push the issue anymore, and I love her for it. She hugs me goodbye and leaves. I flop back down on the couch, abandon my studying, and turn on the television. I'm so relieved we are out of that sorority house; it's so much easier to live off-campus.  Don’t get me wrong, I did really like living at the sorority house, but being senior year and with the amount of studying I have this year; living at the sorority house was a hindrance.  Many of my “sisters” would rather stay up late and watch the latest chick flick then study and drink copious amounts of wine while doing so.  Being quiet and going to bed at a decent time wasn’t really on the top of their priority list. So when Ash had enough of and I quote “One more sister putting her skanky jacked-up so in need of a pedicure feet into any pair of her designer shoes she was going to cut somebody” I suggested we move out and get a place of our own.  Ashlee was packed before I finished asking.

A Wonderful Life
comes on the screen and I get cozy with my favorite comfy blanket. Maybe some holiday time with George is just what I need.

****

Christmas Eve

I pour myself a glass of eggnog with a very healthy shot of Captain Morgan's. The Captain makes everything taste better. I grab my comfy blanket and curl up on the couch. It's hard to believe it's actually Christmas Eve. It's less hard to believe I'm all alone. Campus is practically a ghost town as most students have gone home. Only a few are still around and unfortunately none of them are my friends. It's just me, myself, and I. I could still call Ashlee, but I just don't want to.

Evan is spending Winter Break with his girlfriend, Paige, and her family. They flew out two days ago. Evan offered to buy me a ticket to join them, and although Paige said it was a good idea, I got the sneaking feeling it really wasn't. Her smile and her words said yes, but her eyes were saying no.

Besides, there's only so much of the happy couple I can take. Don't get me wrong—I think Paige is great, and she and Evan are perfect for each other. It's just that being around that intense love they share makes my chest ache and my heart hurt. Evan may only be my best friend, but a part of me, a part of my heart, will always love him—love him more than I probably should.

I settle further into the couch just as my favorite Christmas movie comes on—
ChristmasVacation
. Gotta love Clark Griswold and family. I can't help but laugh out loud when Clark loses it and attacks the plastic Santa and reindeer. I start sipping my second glass of eggnog, feeling warm and fuzzy all over. Thank you, Captain. Just as Clark falls through the floor of the attic, there's a knock on my door—I think. I sit up and stare at it, thinking I must have confused Clark's crashing through the floor, but there's another knock. I hit mute on the remote and hesitantly make my way over to the door. I can't imagine who it could be—everyone I know has left campus, and I sure didn't order take out. Nope, definitely not going to be the pizza guy—although pizza now sounds kinda good. There's another impatient knock as I reach for the knob. I slowly turn the knob and open the door. My eyes rapidly blink in succession as I take in the person in front of me—Evan.

Why?

What?

How?

Why?

I can't comprehend what he is doing here. I just stare at him for what seems like an eternity before I find the ability to speak. To say I'm surprised and slightly in shock would be an understatement. He doesn't look right; something is wrong. Evan looks—he looks broken.

"Evan? What are you.." I still can't believe my eyes, and apparently my brain can't either, because the words won't finish coming out of my mouth. All I can do is continue to stare at him like some oddity in a freak show.

Step right up and get a look at the odd and bizarre best friend that appears from out of nowhere.

"Hi…um…can I come in?" Evan asks, his voice shaky.

"Um, yeah…sure…come, come in," I utter, completely at a loss for words. I slowly move out of the way to let him in.

Evan shakes his head as he passes me, takes off his coat, and then flops down on the couch once he reaches it. I squeeze my eyes tight and shake my head as I close the door. I think my mouth is still hanging open. I make my way over to him, and finally, my brain and mouth decide to work together—intelligently.

"Um, don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you, but why are you here, Evan? I thought you were spending the break with Paige and her family?"

Evan sighs and rakes his hands through his hair. His head drops against the back of the couch. He looks exhausted—physically and emotionally.

What the hell happened?

He motions for me to sit beside him. I quickly take a seat and turn off the television. I'll spend Christmas with the Griswolds next year. He sits up and turns to face me. The expression on his face breaks my heart.

What happened?

My stomach twists in knots, and my mind races through different scenarios that would make him abandon his plans with Paige and make him look that way. That way. Then it hits me. The last time Evan showed up out of nowhere and looked like he does now was when…

Dad.

Dr. Harris, Evan's dad, was—or is—Dad's doctor when he was first diagnosed my freshman year in college.

Maybe.

No.

It can't be.

It's…it's…back?

They really didn’t go on a cruise.

I almost lost my dad once, I can't…

There isn't enough air in the room. Everything is closing in on me. I can't breathe. The room starts to come in and out of focus. Dad's sick again. That's why Evan's here. That's why he looks the way he does. Dad's sick. I'm going to lose my dad this time. That's why he's left Paige's on Christmas Eve. Dr. Harris told him. Or maybe that’s why they needed to go on that Alaskan cruise. One last… They needed to be alone and didn't know how to tell me. Evan doesn't know how to tell me.  I feel sick. Eggnog creeps back up my throat. Dad's sick. Dad’s…

"Zoey, are you okay? Zoey, look at me," Evan demands.

I look up at him, tears filling my eyes and making him blurry. I feel his hands on my shoulders, and they give me a hard squeeze and then a quick shake.

"Zoey, what's wrong?"

I frantically blink away the tears that cloud my vision and try to focus on
him the best I can. It feels as though everything is pushing down on me. I feel like I'm being held underwater and I can't breathe. I gasp for air, and say only thing I can. "Dad?" Something crosses Evan's face, and his expression immediately changes.

Concern mars his features.
"Oh, Zoey. Shit. No, no. Your dad's fine, he's okay. You thought…I'm so sorry, so sorry. He's fine, everything's okay." The words rush from his lips.

Evan's words slowly begin to seep into my brain as he wraps his arms tightly around me. "Dad is okay," echoes and bounces around in my head. I settle into his chest, his heartbeat a steady pounding and comforting rhythm in my ear.

"Just breathe. Everything is okay. Just breathe. I'm here. It's going to be fine. Your dad's healthy—I promise," Evan murmurs, holding me even tighter.

I can't count how many times we've been just like this—Evan holding me, comforting me. He's always been my rock, the one person who's been there for me—no matter what. My breathing finally evens out, and I slowly leave the comfort of his arms. Evan's hands slide up and down my arms before releasing me. I instantly miss them, but his hands find mine instead—still comforting me.
My heart smiles. The realization that Dad isn't sick, that he'll be okay—he is okay—settles in, and my body completely relaxes.

"
Zoey, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. God, I'm such a fucking idiot. I should have known you would have thought that when I showed up…fuck." Evan shakes his head, his eyes closing, as he apologizes. I know he's mentally berating himself.

A part of me wants to be angry, furious even, at him for making me think…I can't even say it...but another part of me—a bigger part—just can't, and it's because of the image of how he looked when I opened the door. It haunts me. He looked so broken, even more so than I've ever seen him before. And that other part of me wants to fix him—needs to fix him.

Dad is fine.

Dad is healthy.

When Evan's eyes open, they glisten with unshed tears and are filled with so many emotions—hurt, anger, sadness, devastation. They stare right through me, as if he's just left. I don't think Evan sees me at the moment. I give his hands a gentle squeeze, and it seems to register where he is.

"
Zoey, I'm so sorry," he repeats, his voice shaky.

"It's okay," I reassure him.

Evan drops my hands and abruptly stands up, his fingers intertwining in his hair, pulling at it in frustration. He starts pacing. If I knew what was wrong, why he's here, I'm sure I could help. The one thing I know and learned about Evan is not to push; he'll tell me everything when he's ready. He turns to me, opens his mouth to say something, but immediately closes it and continues pacing. I watch him, noticing he's waging a war within himself. After a dozen or so treks across my floor, he stops. His shoulders slump, and he lets out a long-winded sigh. He's ready. I brace myself because this can't be anything but good. He swallows, his Adam's apple bobs up and down.

Dad is fine.

"Pai—Paige and I broke up." The words rush out of his mouth so fast, I'm afraid I didn't hear him correctly.

I just stare at him and him back at me—waiting. I know there's more he wants to say before I react. But I'm already reacting inside. My heart is breaking for him—I know how much he loved—loves—Paige. And then my stomach coils, fire ripping through my veins.

How could Paige break up with him? How could she do this to him? I so want to kick her ass!

As if he can suddenly read my thoughts, he continues. "It was somewhat mutual. I…I mean it was mutual—after we talked things through. It just…I mean…I didn't think after
I…"

I am off the couch in a heartbeat and wrap my arms around him—
offering whatever comfort I can give. It's my turn to be there for him. Evan slumps against me, and I feel wetness against my collar bone. My heart breaks completely for him.

Why would she?

How could she?

Evan is the most amazing guy I have ever known. He has everything a girl could, or would, want in a boyfriend. Why would they break up? It just doesn't make sense. Every time I've been with them or have seen them from afar, there's no denying that they were meant for each other. Evan loves Paige with everything he has. We've sat and talked many times about how much he loves her, how much she means to him, and what he wouldn't do for her.

At first I was jealous when I found out, and not only because my love for Evan is always just below the surface, but because I was afraid I was going to lose my best friend. Evan, like Evan always does, reassured me I would never lose him—ever. So, I pushed down that jealousy and accepted their relationship. In fact, I grew to really like Paige. She is so different from the girls Evan usually went for. I was kinda surprised when they started dating, but it was obvious they were meant to be.

So, what in the hell happened? Why would they break up after nearly three years together? It just doesn't make sense.

Evan sniffles a few times and then pulls away. His face is streaked with tears. I want to do so much more for him, but I'm not sure what I can do. Bitch out Paige sounds pretty good. Evan steps back toward the couch and sits—I follow. We sit for a while, neither one of us saying a word. I so desperately want to ask him what happened—why they broke up. And just when I'm about to, Evan answers before I even ask. "We decided, since graduation is approaching and our career choices will take us in different directions, to give our relationship a break. The long distance thing isn't really an option. She said it would be too hard."