A Four Letter Word (16 page)

Griffin leans in and whispers in my ear, "
It's okay, Zoey. It's just one kiss. I don't mind, really." I wonder who Griffin is trying to convince more, me or himself.

"Scared, Richards?" Evan teases.

Oh, he is so not going to scare me off.

"Nope.
Not at all. You?"

"Nah, it would be like kissing my mom, really."

I can't believe he said that. Two can play this game. "Okay,
Dad
."

He chuckles.

I feel all eyes on us. Like they are waiting for it more than we are. My heart begins to beat a little faster as we turn towards each other. "It's just one little kiss," I say to no one in particular.

"Just a mistletoe kiss.
No biggie," Evan says as he leans in closer to me.

I feel his warm breath fan across my face—a mixture of beer and spice and Evan. As if in slow motion, we lean into each other and finally our lips meet. His lips are so soft, as if they are made from velvet. At first, our lips just touch, but then I feel his hand grab mine and our fingers intertwine. And our lips start to move against each other—it deepens. My heart takes off. On their own volition, my lips slightly part, and he takes my bottom lip into his mouth.
I am so not kissing my brother. I am kissing Evan. I am kissing my best friend. I am kissing him and he's kissing me back. I feel my heart crack open a fraction, and all I've felt for him over the years starts to trickle out. Does he feel it too? There is something more to this kiss than simply a mistletoe kiss, demanded by friends. This is more. And it's exceeding any expectations I may have had when I dreamt of kissing him all those times. No words can describe how it feels, other than otherworldly. I am kissing Evan. I want to keep kissing Evan—forever. Someone clears their throat. We break apart.

"Well, that was interesting," Patrick mumbles.

Geoffrey nudges him.

"Well, it was," Patrick continues.

"Shush, you," Geoffrey demands.

I am left breathless.

"See…um…totally…kissing my mom," Evan says somewhat breathlessly.

My lungs seek oxygen as well as my brain. I feel a hand grab mine. Griffin.

Oh. My. God.

How could I…

Why did I…

Griffin.

My eyes travel up from his hand, past his arm and right into his concerned eyes. I don't like what I see, mainly because the emotion that is in them is because of me.

"Griffin, I'm…" I begin, but he interrupts.

"It's okay, really."

"No it's…" I want to explain.

His hand caresses my cheek. "Zoey, it's okay. I have all your other kisses. And that means so much more." How can he? I just don't… I am a terrible girlfriend. The worst.

"And before you start to beat yourself up.
Don't. It won't do you or me any good. Let's just let that kiss be and move on, okay? I know deep down, it didn't mean anything. You got to live out your high school crush-slash-fantasy. That's all. You get to live out reality with me."

He's just perfect. How can he be real?  I mean most guys would have probably punched Evan for that and then stormed off leaving me to ring in the
new year all alone.  I truly don’t deserve him.  All I can do is smile and nod.  I am so going to make it up to him later tonight when we are alone. Especially after I gargle with scalding hot water and about of ton of mouth wash and not the nice minty kind—the kind that makes your gums feel like they are on fire and your teeth are melting.  That’s the least I can do and deserve.

As usual I am in my own head when Griffin pulls me into his arms, his warmth comforting. He's comforting me, when I should be comforting him.

Fix this, Richards.

I cup his face in my hands and stare into his eyes, trying to convey all I can with mine. And then I kiss him, like never before. It's hard, deep, and full of everything I have.
So much for gargling.  Griffin melts into me. His hands grip my hips, pulling me into him. It feels as though it's just the two of us in the room and no one else. Everything else just fades away. If we didn't need to breathe, we probably wouldn't have stopped.

"Now, that's the kiss I fantasize about," I honestly tell him.

"Me…me…too," Griffin mumbles.

Score one for Richards.

"I want one more dance with my boyfriend before the ball drops," I insist, pulling him away.

He nods.

****

"Five…four…three…two…one!
Happy New Year!" Patrick and Geoffrey yell into the microphone.

Griffin gently kisses me. I look at him, confused.
That's it?
He shakes his head and chuckles as if he can read my mind. He leans in, his lips tickling my ear. "Believe me, I want to kiss every inch of you right here, but I thought that could wait until we go to my place. If that's okay with you?"

I am left speechless and hot and bothered. All I can do is nod.

"Good. Are you ready to go?"

I nod again.

"I'll grab your coat. Will you let Geoffrey and Patrick know we're taking off?"

"Yeah, sure.
I wanna say goodbye to Ashlee too."

He gives me one quick peck on the cheek before he heads off to get my coat. Surprisingly, I easily find Geoffrey and Patrick and say our thanks and goodbyes. They both hug me and Patrick whispers in my ear not to do anything he wouldn't do. And then gives my ass a smack as I turn to leave. Finding Ashlee wasn't so easy. But when I do, she is wrapped up in Collin. She tells me once again how amazing I look and says she'll call me later. She knows I need to talk some things out with her. If nothing more, she wants to know about that kiss with Evan.
My kiss with Evan. My fingers instinctively touch my lips.

I push my way through the crowd of lingering guests, heading towards the front door. I guess I should say goodbye to Evan too. My eyes quickly scan the room for any sign of him. Just when I think he's nowhere to be found, I see him in the corner laughing, and he's not alone. He has his arm wrapped around the waist of some blonde.
A very leggy, beautiful blonde. One name comes to mind. Skye. My heart slowly repairs the fissure earlier caused by the kiss. I avoid making contact and search out Griffin. Blue, welcoming eyes greet me at the door. He slips his hand in mine and ever so softly kisses me.

My heart flutters.

"Ready?" I ask him.

Griffin just stares at me, his eyes scanning my face. His Adam's apple bobs.

"What?" I can't help but question.

He smiles. "I…um…I wasn't going to…but the way you look…shit…and the way you make me, right here, right now…"

"Griffin, what is it? You can tell me anything." I try to put him at ease.

He reaches for my hand and squeezes. "
Zoey, I know you probably don't feel the same, and I don't care. But I am falling for you, more than you know."

I am stunned to say the least. I wasn't expecting. All I can do is
stare.

Griffin smiles.
"You don't have to say anything, baby, I see it all in your eyes."

What are my eyes telling him? I hope it's that I'm starting to feel the same. The fracture closes, mending itself completely. And I begin to let myself fall, completely fall. Fall for this amazing man.
Fall when I should. Fall because I want to.

"Griffin, just know that I am falling, too," I honestly admit. It may not be the exact words he wanted to hear, but it's what I can give him now.

His fingers caress my cheek. "Shall we go to my place?"

"Yeah, let's go home." Because right now being with Griffin feels like home, and I never thought I would start to feel this way about anyone other than Evan. I was wrong.

chapter 14

If someone were to ask me six months ago how my best friend was doing, I could have given a really honest answer because I knew—I always knew. I could literally give a play by play of a day in the life of Evan Harris and vice versa.  If that same someone
were to ask me now…I wouldn't be able to truthfully answer, because honestly I have no clue. Ever since…well, ever since I met Griffin, Evan's been distant, and that distance has just been growing.

We've made plans to meet up, but something always comes up and he has to cancel. Or if we do manage to get together, something interrupts our time and he has to leave early. There's always an excuse.
Always something.  I have to catch up on work or there’s this thing I totally forgot about, or I have a shit ton of laundry to do or Skye and I are going out, and we want to be alone.  Now, I have nothing against Skye, I’m actually happy Evan has somebody, I just wish he would still be a part of my life with his someone and my someone, but I guess at the moment that isn’t exactly possible.  My best friend is drifting away from me, and it's breaking my heart, and I have no clue what to do about it.  I really never thought I would be in this situation, I never thought there would come a time when my best friend would become more like an acquaintance.  It really got worse when he met Ashlee and me for lunch one day, several months ago.

It happened last night, and I know it's written all over me. I never thought I would feel this way. I
never thought that elusive four letter word would find its way into my life, into my heart, but it has. I feel like I'm floating across the room as I make way to Ashlee and Evan. They are deep in conversation as I approach, but it all stops when Ashlee's eyes find mine.

"What happened?" she quickly inquires.

All I can do is smile and beam. My insides swirl around like a merry-go-round, unable to stop. And it feels…amazing. I feel amazing. Griffin makes me feel amazing and then some.  I never thought, I never knew it would turn out like this—not in a million years. 

"Oh my God,
Zoey. Something major has happened. Tell, now," Ashlee insists, pulling me down to sit next to her.

Evan just rolls his eyes and begins to make love to his burger. What is it with him and burgers? He has a love affair with them I will never understand.

"Alright, from the…" Ashlee begins but seems to get lost in my eyes. "He did, didn't he? You then did, didn't you?"

My bottom lip finds its way between my teeth and I nod—a lot.

"Oh my God, Zoey, I am so happy for you. I knew it. I just knew it was only a matter of time before…" she trails off and grips me into the biggest hug ever.

I look over at Evan, and he looks totally confused with his mouth stopped mid-
chew .

"
Wha—am—(garble)—missin?" he asks, swallowing down the rest of his burger.

Ashlee swivels in her chair to look at him. "They said it. They said I love you. Tell us everything. How did he? Did he say it first? We want details…details," she demands.

Evan rolls his eyes. "Spekfoyoself," he replies, his mouth filled with another bite of his burger.

"Gross, Evan, don't be such a pig. Remember—bite, chew, swallow and then talk. Repeat it over and over in your head, or do I need to give you a laminated notecard so you don't forget?"
Ashlee somewhat teases.

Part of what she says holds some truth. Evan can be really…well…all manners go out the window when he's eating a burger—for some odd reason.

Men and their meat.

I giggle.

"Right, so tell. Everything," Ashlee once again demands.

Evan's attention goes right to his burger, but I know he's totally paying attention. It's something I've gotten to know about him since high school. He may act like he's totally engrossed in something else, but he's not. Ashlee nudges me. "Okay, don't get your panties in a wad. It happened last night…we were watching Fight Club…" I begin.

It's Ashlee's turn to roll her eyes. I see Evan's ears perk up slightly. He loves Fight Club too. I so love that movie and not because Brad Pitt is in it, but just because Ed Norton's character is just so mental—I love it. Don't get me wrong—I do enjoy a chick flick—anything with Ryan Gosling or Gerard Butler, but something about a bunch of guys running around in an underground fight club, beating the shit out of each other—really does it for me.

"Yeah, so the scene comes on when Tyler attacks Lou all crazy, dripping with blood because he's had his pretty face practically turned into hamburger meat, and I just start saying the lines out loud…'You don't know where I've been Lou, you don't know where…' and I start laughing like Brad Pitt—or at least trying to—when…"

Ashlee's eyes go wide, and she anxiously nods her head in anticipation.

"Griffin just says out of nowhere, 'God, I love you' and I just stare at him, wondering if I heard what I heard," I continue, my insides warming, remembering exactly how he sounded and looked.

Evan has momentarily abandoned his burger for his Coke.

"Then, Griffin hits pause and turns to me and says, ' I do,
Zoey, I love you.' Of course, tears filled my eyes and I said I love him too, and then…well…Fight Club was forgotten and…"

Before I can utter another syllable, Evan is sucking through his straw when there's nothing left in his glass. I so hate that sound…it grates on my last nerve—Ashlee's too.

"Nice manners, you caveman," Ashlee chides.

"
Uhhh, ughhhh, mucka, mucka, me man, need more drink," Evan says, doing his best to impersonate a caveman. Evan waves over our waiter and orders another Coke.

Ashlee ignores him and turns her attention back to me. "So, did you guys do it hard, fast, and nasty, or was it romantic and sweet and loving?" She can forget her filter sometimes.

Evan grumbles under his breath and suddenly stands up. "Um, gotta go." He waves his phone like he's gotten an important text or something.

"Evan?"

"I'll, um, call you later this week. Gotta go." He waves his phone again and then makes his way from the table through the restaurant.

I look to Ashlee for clarification.  Did I do something wrong? She just shakes her head, and I think she mouths, "Skye". She takes a bite of her salad and tells me to continue. I really don't feel like talking much anymore, but I do, just to placate her.

Ever since then, Evan's been M.I.A. Not even Brett really knows what's going on with him. I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to. I miss him. Apparently, though, he's going to grace us his presence at the game today. I am a little surprised, since it was Griffin who got us all the tickets. Working with the White Sox has its perks. And knowing how much Evan still doesn't approve of Griffin, or I guess he doesn't. I just don't know anymore. Ashlee said she talked to him, and he was coming—with Skye—his girlfriend. Ashlee talked to him. I haven't, and that hurts the most—more than anything. Ashlee and Evan are friends thanks to me, but they haven’t really been super close.  I really don’t think they’ve actually spent time together without me.  But now, I guess that’s all changed.  I kinda feel like I’m being replaced, that Ashlee is his new best friend.  And since Ashlee is the loyal type of friend she really hasn’t told me anything that her and Evan discuss.  She will only say that he’s doing okay and to give him time.  Part of me is jealous which is completely and utterly stupid. I hate this. I miss him. I miss my best friend.

****

The weather couldn't be better. The sun is bright, and there isn't a cloud in the sky. We have amazing seats, thanks to my amazing boyfriend. The gang is all here—except Evan and Skye haven't shown up yet. Figures…he's not coming. Avoidance…is what he does best from time to time. What he's avoiding, I just don't know. And I should. But I don't.

Geoffrey and Patrick are here along with Ashlee and Collin. Nina and Brett are on their honeymoon—Patrick's a little disappointed Dr. Make-Me-Squeal won't be here. He's actually still pouting. Geoffrey promised to buy him a foot-long corn dog. He's losing his pout slowly but surely. 

The wedding was actually the first time I’ve seen Evan in a long time.  I was really excited to go, knowing I’d actually get to see him. Griffin, of course, was my date and Skye was his; apparently they are an official couple—according to Ashlee.  I don’t get information first hand anymore.  Evan was the best man and during the ceremony I caught him glancing over to me from time to time, a small smile tugged at his lips.  And then he would look over and Skye and that smile would grow and become the smile I am very familiar with—a smile that I thought was just reserved for me.  I guess things change.  We talked a little, but Evan had best man duties to perform and Skye to entertain since she really didn’t know anybody that well yet. Needless to say I didn’t get the opportunity to see my best friend like I thought I would or wanted to.  Griffin sensed things were off, but he didn’t push—he never does and I love him for it.  He is the first guy to get my relationship with Evan and not feel threatened by it.  He totally proved that at the New Year’s party when Evan and I kissed thanks to two meddling elves.  The reception was spent in Griffin’s arms on the dance floor or dancing with Ashlee.  But even so, I felt sad inside when it was a beautiful and joyous occasion. 

The Sox are winning, the beer has been flowing, and the peanuts are being shelled all over the place.
Gotta love peanuts at a game. Ashlee leans in to me and whispers, "Evan and the Barbie Doll are finally here." I turn and around, and there's Evan and Skye. I can't believe he's really here. Just—wow.

They say
their hi's to everyone and settle in their seats. Skye sits next to me and asks me how I'm doing and whatnot. She's really not that bad—kinda sweet even. I decide to give her a chance, even though something in the way Ash calls her Barbie Doll sets of my radar, but I let it go for now. She's my best friend's girlfriend, after all. I just wish he was the one to have told me instead of Ashlee. I didn't know their relationship had gone to the next level. I thought they were only casually dating.

I push the hurt I feel inside down—deep down. Evan's here. He's spending the afternoon with us, and it makes me very, very happy. I can't help that the happiness I feel is a little tainted.

It's the seventh inning stretch, and Ashlee, Patrick, Geoffrey and I—along with Skye—participate in the silly dancing that's going on to rile up the crowd. Griffin has gone to the concession stand and Evan and Collin are deep in conversation, acting like the five of us don't exist at the moment and are embarrassing them.

When "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" comes on, the five of us belt it out like it's the end of the world. I think I see Collin and Evan cringe by our lack of key and pitch. Who cares…we are having so much fun. The fun antics come to an end, and the game resumes; much to the delight of Collin and Evan.  Patrick sticks his tongue out at them and calls them party poopers.

Griffin finally gets back with nachos and a Coke, and he has something tucked under his arm. He hands Ashlee the snacks, pulls out, what turns out to be a program from underneath his arm, and hands it to me.

"I thought you might like a souvenir. They were out of foam fingers, and I
knew you had some questions about the team…so…I thought this would be perfect." His eyes twinkle.

"Thanks," I reply and kiss him. It's sweet and gentle.

I begin thumbing through the program and stop on page 13. My breathing hitches and my heart pounds against my ribs. Oh. My. God. On the page, huge as a billboard, are the words… "Will you marry me, Zoey Richards?" The program drops to my lap, and I turn to Griffin who isn't sitting in his seat. He's down on one knee, holding a ring box in his hand—and it's open—and inside there's this big, huge diamond ring. I think I stop breathing altogether. Tears prick my eyes.

OH! MY! GOD!

Ashlee is bouncing, making the whole row of seats vibrate, and then I notice Geoffrey and Patrick are mimicking her.

"
Gri—" the rest of his name gets lodged in my throat thanks to the lump of emotion.

"
Zoey, I never thought I would find that one person I wanted to spend forever with, that was until I met you on Halloween and I just knew. The moment I saw you, I knew I was falling for you. And I knew I would fall hard. Every day I find myself still falling, and I don't think it will ever stop—and I don't want it to. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Zoey, will you marry me?"

Griffin is blurry, and my throat is even more constricted now by this huge-ass lump that's made its way into it. All I can do is nod. And nod. And nod. Griffin happily puts the ring on my finger. His hand is shaking. Or is mine?
Maybe both. And then I leap into his arms, nearly knocking him down. He laughs before his lips are kissing mine. And kissing. And kissing. Deep. Passionate. Love.

A couple of throats clear and I reluctantly get off my fiancé.
My fiancé. I have a fiancé. I'm getting married. Holy Shit! I'm getting married!

I am pulled out of the comfort of his arms by Ashlee, of course,
who can't stop bouncing or squealing. Geoffrey and Patrick are no better. Skye joins the mix to get a look at my ring. My ring.