A Game of Vows (12 page)

“We’ll get nannies,” he said.

“What kind of life is that for a child?”

“A life. There doesn’t seem to be an alternative.”

“Adoption,” she said. The word sounded flat and cold in the room.

“I’m not giving away my child.”

His words hurt. They cut her deep, tapped into a wound still raw and bleeding, covered, but never healed. “That’s not what adoption is. It’s giving your child the best chance possible. That’s what it is. Wouldn’t … wouldn’t I have been better off? If my mother had given me up instead of neglecting me for three years of my life and then dropping me off with a father who didn’t want me?” She couldn’t voice the rest. Couldn’t say anything about how this had happened before. It all just stuck in her throat. Painful. Horrendous. “Do you
understand what it’s like? To live with someone who just doesn’t give a damn about what you do? Who doesn’t even worry about you if you stay out all night? I was doing everything you should be afraid your child is out doing. Drinking, and having sex and he never … He didn’t care. So tell me, Eduardo, what kind of life was that? Why should a child, anyone, ever live where they aren’t wanted?”

“Are you saying you don’t want the baby?”

“No. That’s not it … that’s not …”

“We could take care of a child, Hannah. It’s different. We both have money.”

“Money isn’t enough.”

“It’s a start, at least.”

She took a shaky breath. “Nothing has to be decided now,” she said finally. “It’s early. There’s no need to—” she laughed “—well, to panic.”

Eduardo felt like he’d been hit in the chest. He couldn’t breathe. He could hardly think. Hannah was pregnant. The only time he’d ever thought about children had been in terms of preventing them. He’d vaguely assumed, prior to his injury, that he would settle down for real one day and in that scenario, there had been a hazy assumption of children, but he’d never truly thought about it in a real sense.

And since his accident … well, he’d avoided women. Avoided all kinds of relationships. The thought of having a child when everything was so much harder than it had once been … Hannah was right in many ways. He wasn’t sure he could handle being a father and running Vega. He could scarcely run Vega, and Hannah knew it better than most.

Knew what sorts of limitations she was dealing with when it came to the father of her baby.

“Right,” he said, as if having decided that maybe they could just put it out of their minds for a while, but he doubted he would think of anything else. He wasn’t sure how he ever could.

“Right,” she said, looking as unconvinced as he felt.

“Let’s go back to the
rancho,
” he said. He needed solitude. Quiet. He needed to not be here, in this place that reminded him of his shortcomings.

“What? When?”

“This weekend,” he said. “I don’t think I can … concentrate here. There’s too much. This … makes it too much.”

“Right,” she said. “I just need my phone glued to me because I have to get that deal nailed down.”

“I understand. We’ll bring work with us.” But the room felt like it was closing in on him, the whole city, just outside the windows, felt like it was folding on top of him. His mind was cluttered and he couldn’t figure out how to sift through it. Especially not with the pounding that was starting in his head. With the way the light was starting to feel, like a knife going in through his eyes.

“We leave tomorrow.”

Hannah nodded, for once without any kind of sassy comeback. “Okay.”

“A
RE
you all right staying in here?”

Hannah looked around the frilly pink-and-white room. The room she and Eduardo had made love in. The room they’d conceived the baby in.

“As fine here as I would be anywhere,” she said, her head spinning, a strange, heavy numbness invading her chest and spreading outward. She was so tired. Exhaustion seeped into her bones.

“I want to be close to you.”

“I’m not going to do anything desperate, Eduardo.”

“I know.”

Except he didn’t know. And that was fair enough, because she’d never really let him know her. He’d seen her naked and he still didn’t know her. No one did. Not really. She wasn’t sure she did anymore. Wasn’t sure what she wanted. Wasn’t sure if she could clear the next hurdle that had been placed in front of her.

Just the thought of what the next few months would bring, of what it would mean to watch her baby be carried from the room again, never holding him, never touching him, made her feel cold. Made her feel like the life was draining from her.

What if you kept him?

For a moment she imagined it. Holding her baby at her breast, looking into eyes that were dark like his father’s. Having someone to love. Someone who would love her.

Her stomach seized, tears threatening to fall.

“I’m fine,” she said, mostly for her own benefit. But she knew she was lying.

“Do you want to lie down for a while?”

“I’m not symptomatic yet.”

“When does that usually start?”

“Six weeks or so,” she said.

He frowned. “Do all women just … know this stuff? You don’t seem like you would.”

Shoot.
Yes, she would have to tell him sometime. It wasn’t like it would matter. Except it did. It was her pain. It had never been anyone else’s.

“You’d be surprised,” she said. “I am a little tired. I think I’ll take a nap. We’ll talk later?”

He nodded curtly. “If you feel up to it, I’d like to walk down to the beach with you.”

“That would be great.”

She ushered him out of the room and rested her back against the closed door. Her old life was crashing head-on into her new one, and she wasn’t sure anymore where one ended and the other began.

It was her worst nightmare unfolding in front of her. And she wasn’t sure there was anything she could do to stop it.

She woke up feeling sleepier than she had when she’d lain down. Her head was swimming, and it was dark outside. So she’d missed her walk. It was okay, though; she hadn’t really felt up to talking to Eduardo. Not now. Not when she’d have to be honest with him.

A tear rolled down her face and back into her hair and she didn’t bother to wipe it away. Eduardo was the only person she’d felt close to in so long, and even they were in opposition half the time.

Maybe she wasn’t meant to be close to people. It was pretty obvious she didn’t really know how to be. Even with Zack
there had been calculated distance. They hadn’t shared themselves. They’d met where they were at in life and moved forward, never digging deep, never really getting to know each other. And she’d been happy with that.

Eduardo pushed her; he made her angry. Made her feel passion and lose control. It didn’t make her all that happy, and it had led to a pretty big mistake. But she did feel more genuine when she was with him. More herself.

She wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

She pulled her knees up to her chest and rolled to her side. She felt like she was breaking apart. For once she couldn’t outthink a situation. Couldn’t control it or change it. It was what it was. She was pregnant. With Eduardo’s baby.

She sat up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She needed to get her mind off it. She needed to be near Eduardo, and she couldn’t fathom why. But it didn’t matter why. She hurt everywhere. She felt like she was being scraped raw inside.

And she was so tired of being alone. She was always alone.

With shaking limbs she stood from the bed and padded across the room, to the door that separated her room from Eduardo’s, walking into his room without knocking.

For a moment, she didn’t see him. It was dark in his room, and he wasn’t in the bed. Then she saw him, slumped in his chair, his hands gripping the armrests.

“Hi,” she said, her voice sounding huskier than she intended it to.

He shifted. “Hannah? Are you feeling all right?”

“As well as can be expected. Yourself?”

“I had a migraine. I’m better now.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“No. That makes it worse. Why?”

“Just … it’s good to know. I … I really need you,” she whispered.

“What?”

“I can’t be alone. And I’m cold. I need you to make me
feel … make me feel again.” She battled against the tears that were threatening to fall, threatening to choke her. “Make me warm.”

He stood quickly and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her up against him. “Hannah …”

“I just want to stop thinking. For a minute. I just want to feel. You make me feel so good. When you touch me …” She swallowed hard. “I’m asking you for help now, Eduardo.”

“Oh, Hannah.”

He picked her up, holding her close to his chest, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. She’d never given a lot of thought to her feelings on over-the-top masculine displays of strength. Turned out, she liked them.

She placed her palms flat over his chest, over the hard muscles, maddeningly concealed by his thin T-shirt. She lowered her hands and found the hem of the shirt, sliding her fingertips up his hot, hair-roughened skin.

He groaned and set her down on the bed, tugging the shirt over his head. She could see the outline of his body, moonlight gleaming from the hard ridges of his chest and abs, his jeans low cut, delicious lines pointing right down to his erection.

And that was all she was going to think about. Just him.

“You’re really sexy,” she breathed.

He chuckled, his hands on his belt buckle. “So are you. Trade.”

She tugged her shirt over her head and lay back, waiting for the rest of Eduardo to be revealed.

He shook his head. “Not enough.”

“Grr.” She got up on her knees and torqued her arms around, unhooking her bra and sending it sailing. “Better?”

The heat glittering in his dark eyes sent an answering fire down to her belly. And farther down.

A smile curved his lips. “Much better.”

He worked his belt through the loops and tugged it free.

Then shrugged off his pants and underwear in one deft motion.

“Come here,” she said.

“Your wish is my command.”

He joined her on the bed, his bare shaft hot against her stomach. “Oh, yes,” she whispered, the edges of her mind getting fuzzy with arousal. This was what she needed.

He unbuttoned her jeans and tugged them down her legs, then quickly took her underwear down with them. He teased her with his fingers, his thumb sliding over her clitoris.

She arched into him, clawing at his back, letting her mind go blank of everything but the white-hot pleasure that was pouring through her.

Then he bracketed her face with his hands, kissing her. Deep. Long. Passionate. She clung to him, letting the kiss intensify, learning his rhythm, relearning her own.

This was less intimate than the way he’d touched her a moment ago, but also, somehow, infinitely more so. When he finally released her mouth to trail kisses down her neck, she was shaking, more turned on than she’d ever been in her life. On the verge of tears.

She forked her fingers through his hair, craving deeper contact, craving more.

He kissed her belly, heading lower.

“No,” she breathed. “No time.”

She needed him inside of her. As deep as he could be, as close as he could be. She hadn’t needed anyone in longer than she could remember. She’d never been able to afford to.

“I need you,” she said. Meaning it, with every fiber of her being. He continued down, a low chuckle escaping his lips. “No,” she said. “This isn’t … a game or anything. I need you.”

He raised his head, moving back up her body, his dark eyes intense, locked with hers. He pushed her hair back from her face, then kissed her lightly on her lips. She parted her thighs and felt him at the entrance of her body.

“Yes,” she whispered.

He slid slowly inside of her. With every inch she felt some of her emptiness fade, and when he was inside her completely, as close to her as two people could be, she felt like she understood sex in a new way entirely.

Sex had never been intimate for her. And she hadn’t been after intimacy tonight. Back in high school she’d been after oblivion, a moment of happiness, of closeness even. But not true, deep intimacy.

But she felt it now. As if Eduardo had become a part of her. As if she would leave his bed changed.

He moved inside of her, every stroke perfection, driving her closer to the edge of bliss. Every thrust bringing him closer to her.

His pace increased and she locked her legs around his hips, moving with him; she arched back, her release crashing over her like a wave. He gripped the sheet by her head and shuddered out his own orgasm a moment later.

She lay against his chest, her heart pounding hard, her head swimming. She wanted to speak; she couldn’t. A moment later she realized she was shaking. And crying, tears falling on his bare skin.

“I …” she started.

But there was nothing to say. She was overwhelmed. She was pregnant with this man’s baby. This man who held her so tightly. Who made her feel close to someone for the first time ever.

No one had ever loved her. And she had never thought of it before. But now … now, in his arms, she wished so much that it could be different. That she could be different. That she could be loved.

He kept his arms wrapped tightly around her and held her close. She kept shaking and he reached down to grab the covers, drawing them up over both of them.

“Sleep now,
querida.
We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

She nodded wordlessly, unable to speak around the lump in her throat.

She curled up against him, inhaled the scent of him, so uniquely Eduardo. Then she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. Trying to fight off all of the demons that were threatening to tear her apart.

Eduardo woke up as the first rays of sun began to filter through the expansive windows of the room. He’d forgotten to close the blinds because his headache had hit after dark.

He rolled over to look at Hannah and his heart seized.

She was so beautiful. And achingly vulnerable. He didn’t know how he’d missed it for so long. He’d imagined her invincible, a fair target to bring into his sphere. She could handle herself, after all, and he would never leave her empty-handed.

But he could see now that he’d been wrong. Very wrong.

He thought about what she’d said the day before. About him barely being able to run his business, much less run it with a baby around to distract him. She was right. And yet, when he thought back to his own childhood, the way his father had been, stern and distant, but steady and so very present, he couldn’t imagine being anything less for his own child.

He had the resources to care for a son or daughter. And his mother would be thrilled.

And if you can’t do it? If the crying gives you migraines and lack of sleep makes it impossible for you to concentrate? If it gets so bad you can’t see? What will you do then?

He would figure it out. He had no other choice. They could get nannies, the best available. He would have to. But he could make it work.

He knew it now, with certainty. It had been too hard to process in his office, beneath the bright fluorescent lights. But now, in the gray light of dawn, with Hannah warm and naked by his side, it did seem clear.

He’d wanted to decide what to do about the baby before
anything else happened between them … but when she’d come to him, so vulnerable, so achingly sad, he hadn’t been able to deny her. Especially as her misery seemed to be a reflection of his own.

She’d asked him to make her warm. She’d made him warm.

He moved his hand down to Hannah’s stomach and his heart pounded faster. Harder.

“Are you awake?” he whispered.

Hannah’s eyes opened slowly. “Oh …”

“You sound disappointed,” he said.

She rolled over and buried her face in her pillow. “I slept with you again.”

“I remember.”

She rolled over again. “It wasn’t a good idea. It … confuses things.”

“Can things be any more confusing?”

“Oh, I don’t know, but this can’t possibly help clear it up.”

“Okay, that’s probably true.” He moved into a sitting position, unconcerned with the fact that he was still naked. Hannah averted her eyes, clearly of a different opinion, clutching the sheets to her chest. “I’d like to talk to you. About the baby.”

“I …” She bit her lip. “Now?”

“Why don’t you go shower. I’ll shower. We’ll have breakfast. Then I’d like to walk with you for a while. On the beach.”

She nodded slowly. “I can do that.”

“Good.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead, the move not planned. And he found he didn’t regret it.

He got out of bed and walked toward his bathroom, taking a small amount of satisfaction in Hannah’s muffled squeak, likely brought on by his continued nudity. He turned and saw her scrambling out of bed with the sheet still wrapped tightly around her body.

“You might as well let it drop, Hannah. I’ve seen it all.”

Something in her expression changed, a sad smile lifting the corner of her lips. “Not in daylight. I’ll see you in a bit.” She turned, still covered, and walked out of the room.

Hannah was done showering before Eduardo, and had a few moments down in the breakfast area by herself. She nibbled on a bowl of fruit for a while, then asked one of Eduardo’s staff if she could get some bacon. Bacon sounded good. It wasn’t a pregnant craving, she was pretty sure it was too soon for that. She was just feeling horrible and trying to comfort herself with food.

She nibbled on the bacon while she thought about how today would play out. Yet again, it seemed impossible to plan.