A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (18 page)

He says he is. Not here he can’t. It’s not your flat. I’m not going out and I’ll call the guards. I asked him to. That’s worse. You are fucked- up in the head. Do you hear me? I’m not going to sit and hear you beaten to shite. Muster all I can. I can do what I can do if I want. I don’t know what to say. I have to do this for. For. For. What? You’re not the only one with problems. So wrapped up in yourself in your brother and your uncle and fucking weird fucking. All that stuff gone on with him. I. Don’t judge me or I’ll judge you. It’s very sad and all and I wish it wasn’t happening but fuck me you’re not the centre of the world. And I’m not helping you get fucked-up more. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

I could rove through the flat for days not look see her if I could. I would. Do that. Get up. Get out. Out of her way of her hair. Fuck her everyone. Fuck them all for I’m being buried right here on my own. I say to him. That’s it. Don’t come, I think, anymore. Just come to my hotel once? No. I think. I think I’ll not. But. I shouldn’t do this it makes me. Something. Bye.

And I go down again always going back down. To home to you. Is well.

Ringing and ringing. Go on and on get that phone. Get that you says Mammy. Don’t want to talk she says. I’m going I’m going. Hello. Who? I see. No my mother no. She doesn’t want. No. You better talk to me. It’s fine. Close the door. I’m. Yes. Sitting down.

You know we took the scan again last week the doctor says. Yes? I’ve the results here. Think I don’t want to do this. There’s a long way. Down this phone. This line. And I see him. Clicking. Looking at his does he see it through the light like x-rays? Scans. Like scans. Hiss myself concentrate. Now be calm.

Your brother. Yes? It’s four months since chemo began. And yes. That’s right. Will you get on. I can’t. Fathom. As you know now we know what. What? We’re dealing with. And to come. And that’s? Ahem. What I’m saying. Listen. What I’m sorry to tell you. No. No. It’s continued to grow. No. I’m sorry. But you said you would. Cut it back hedges weeds like grass? It’s not working and what I’m saying is, it’s a matter of time. He’ll. He’s going to die? My brother? I don’t think that’s right. We did what we could. We were trying for time. Time and that’s all we have managed. No. I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. So. Can you say how long? Two months three if the. What? Going’s good. Jesus not that. You said. He might. With the all the things they can do. Remember? Sorry I’m so sorry. No you. God. That’s not enough. Not. For him. Please calm yourself. I’m. Gasp at. Stop it. Is there anything you want to ask? Voices is all I have over a phone. I’m sorry I say will you tell me more? He shouldn’t have any pain. He’ll just fall asleep. Sleeping. Oh. My brother. This doesn’t make. Doesn’t isn’t t t t sense sense sense to me. No. He’ll be confused. Some of the time. Afraid? I don’t know. If you. Oh God it’s up to me to tell. My brother. I’m so sorry. Shall I go on? But. Ye. Yes. My my my brother but I think I see understand. He’s slipping right, just out of the world. In a. Yes. In a way. Yes that’s true. So I’ll hold him as if. He’s falling. Yes. He’s going. Yes. He’s already nearly gone. He is. I under. Understand.

Perhaps contact your hospice? No. We’ll keep him. Me my mother. We. Will. Take care of him. Here. He won’t. Let him be somewhere on his own. In the dark. He’s a little boy. He’s. Well then keep him home long as you can. I. Will. Thank you. Doctor for. Say. That’s a. I know. Bye then.

My head. My head in hands in my feet in my jaws roaring blood I can’t. Fine. Cold and fine. With our. With our. It’ll be fine well. Knocking tat the door she is. Comes in and listens to what I say. Impart the. He’s dying. The tumour. That living thing. It’s kept growing on the chemo over it. Bastard it. In his head and. Shhh he’s sleeping she says. Mammy. No. Let’s sit down. Bow our our. Intercede. No. Implored thy intercession was left unaided. Fly unto thee oh virgin of virgins my mother. To thee do we come. Before thee we stand sinful and sorrowful. No. Mother of the word incarnate despise not my pet. My pet. Ition. You listen to me. It’s me. You. Listen to me. Mammy. For once. One time. But graciously hear and answer us. Scream at. Do you hear me? Me. Me. Something awful’s going to. You can’t believe it away. She is fever nibbling saying Do not be afraid I will save you I have called you by. What. Called you by what? I. Aye. Hi. Hello in there. Name. Jesus. Listen to what I’ve. Got. To. Say. I bless and cross in ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus Spioraid Naoimh. Amen. Amen. He’s going to die. Don’t say that. Don’t tell him. He’ll give up. He’ll lose his. Faith and then we’re really done. Done. Really. Really. Is that that? What faith does he have? And are you thinking that? That? Yes. You. Are. A. Fool. A fool in Christ. Shut up. Faith won’t save him. The Lord. Shut the fuck with that. Langu. Stop it. He’s a right to know. I’m his mother I forbid. He has a right to know he’s going to die. Then let it be on your head. Let it be on you. If you he dies let it be on you. Mammy. Don’t tell. Mammy. You heard what I said.

I’m soon. I don’t look at you. I’m going home. Here. Up there. For a while. Need a. Think of. O. Kay. Okay. Have to rub it out off me. And I’ll. Yes. I’ll let you know. What? What’s the thing. Mammy. The anything I can do about this.

I walk the street. City. Running through my mouth. Running in my teeth the. My eyes are. All the things. The said the done what there what’s all this? That stuff. I could do. My. I walk the street. Who’s him? That man. Who’s him there having a looking at me he. Look at my. Tits. Ssss. Fuck word. No don’t. Fuck that. No. Will. Not that. Not. That. But. If I want to then I can do. And it would fill me up fine. And I. I do. Do it. Take him back with me. Give him. The word. I want that. Hurt me. Until I am outside pain.

But I am ready soon after to take the. Walk back across the waves. Plunge. Say to her, friend, lookit well. I can’t stay. They need me you see need me. Home. So I have to go and put all those things down. The toys you see. Learning. Reading. Ranting the town. Fuck. You and me. Do you know all that’s done now. All that doing going mad and like and it was. It was. Well whatever you want she says. Pay your rent up I’ll get someone else in. Yep. I did. So. That’s that then. Hope your brother gets well. Yes. Sure I’ll probably see you around in the Spring or what. I’ll see you. Bye bye then. Oh I forgot to say. Your uncle called. Call.

He says. Thank God. Be quiet I say close your eyes. Open your fly. Just do it in your mind can’t you. I want. To be able to now. So much. I can’t. I want. My brother. Fucking where are you for me Fuck I. Sorry, he says Your aunt’s just arrived but I. Good for. Good fuck for you I hope she dies. Don’t hang up. I hope you die. Sssssss. Sorr. Fuck you. Fuck me too.

I know. I’ll lock the door and leave it behind. See that there. I’ll leave it in the room in the bed and under those clothes. Hump. For I’m grown up and I don’t need those childish. Those. I’ll take them with me won’t. No. That’s the end of the end of that and I won’t be seeing doing. Fucking. No more. No fucking much. My family. Need me. Shut your legs. I won’t be. I won’t anymore.

It’s the train again. That train again and I am in. Safe. See that. Me. Me. Me. With my bags sitting pack on pack beneath. On my feet. Hem me. Pin me. Nail me in. And I left none behind. Looking out on it. See you city. I see you. My land love. City going. Out. On and on. That’s the one I made. I went in. It was me my home. As. I don’t know. I think. I did it. There. I liked. Thinking. That. I went in. All the way. Up to my hilt. My pelt. Leaving all it now. What’s before what’s before. Me. Spreading out like muck like shite. The future coming panic. And vibrating. Going somewhere in my brain. In my neck. Thump thump. The thing. Oh no. Oh not that. It is. And I know when those lights go turn on. You. Try to think of you. Think of your brother. Given fucking up for Lent. But I’ve done enough to know that. When it’s coming. Itch will come. I can’t. Squirming but panic this like I don’t. I. Need. Someone. Catch out. Do I know not what I do. No and so. There now. There now. No good. Climb it. Comes for me. And I look up. Feel the wound going in. I did not. Not here. Expect.

I look about me see some man. Some sandwich quiet curly hair. Dip biscuit mild and not prepared for anything like that I cough. Cough to him. For I could choke. No I could choke and he might think look. The sweet the nasty. Thing. I am. Perfect. Ploy. Who can resist? He does not as I know. Knew. Rise his head. Oh God are you? Come beating on my back with the flat palm of his hand. Your arms up. He my aid. Try drink this that’s it. Are you. Alright there now are you alright and fluster me fluster my hands. I put. On to his hands. Shall we begin at the beginning here. What I set myself to do. Don’t. Too late miss too late for you. Oh thanks and thank you saved my life. The web and stick of it. I reel it reel him. Draw him over. For I can hardly breathe. You want. I want. Let him in. How do I know that, I do. I. It will conclude. This way. One way. Come.

Something in the toilets. He. My God I never. Sssss don’t say anymore. Hold the basin sit rattle back. Spread as can. And he in his blood way up. Obliging and obliged. Fingers up me. Filthy round the quick. And I thought that when I cleaned between my legs. Press it in me. Pewled and scared. I’d be sick but what else. It’s what I have to do. And watch him bobbing. For he must do my thing. Under my skin. Keep. So I can. That’s it. Sit without. Something. Screeching. No not that. Other things. All the way home. Jiggedy Jig. Is that it? Let the pus run out.

At the end he want to kiss me. I’ve never done anything like that. You should wash your fingers. Can I give you a ring? Sometime. Maybe I’ll see you again, I won’t. That makes the sick of me. Check no skirt tucked in my knickers. All sedated. Bye bye.

I limp from rail to home. Under some raining sky. Drag the bags all with me. Hold off. It does and I get in. Home and dry. It’s what. It’s dark. Hello? Where the lights are. Hello? And. Are you even here? Ah there. In the kitchen. In the kitchen in the dark. Doing something on the cooker. I catch you moving slow in the the lampless in the corner of my. I’m home I’m home now. Shall I turn on the light? Yes. You are. I hug you. I am really glad that you are here. What. There you say sit down. She. Gone praying for the something. I don’t know what’s it this time. I thought I’d make the tea, you say, so I don’t know how long she’ll be. I’ll help. No I’ll do it you say, you say for you to me. I. Sit. See pasta I can strain like this you say. I see your hand. Shake bad. You hold the sieve. See I’ll pour it out just like this I watched a programme. Mind you’ll. Drop it you do. Try to catch. Ow. You. It falls. And scald your hand and food go flying all around. Sliding. All the way down. I jump up. Got you. You saying I can’t. Can’t I don’t I don’t see I don’t understand what’s why is this. Happening. To me. To me. My brother please please oh please. Don’t say it. But. I run the cold water tap. Put your hand there let me. Do this. But dinner. It’s fine. Don’t you care I’ll wipe. I’ll fix it. But I wanted you say, I thought you’d like, I’d make you dinner for when you came. I knew see you were coming today I am right today? you say. Yes. Here I am. This is today I. And you start. To cry. Like my little boy I knew. I knew. When I was younger than you. So many years ago when. You sit. You say. I’m just so tired. I’m just so ill.

I thought about it and I could not stop. All walls mohow do I changiving around inside myself topple over. I can hold. I can hold them up if I I cannot if they’ll fall in. Where I stood. Where I sat. What sat on my lips and in my mouth. Sour and rank. Like I could trip inside myself. There are so many things. I moved and caught. Who are you who are you now with this slip and nightdress on. With these jeans with this bright red hat. For in that I was swimming. I can do myself. Damage. That’s it if I would. Do you hear me? Is it ever time for you to understand. I meant I meant that for I never thought you could think you were low. Were lost at the moment when they cut you off. Cut your head out heart brain. It is not I know was not that but to me it was to me. Like I could have seen you in the bright of day. Like the light could have come up from the sea and take you over. Me over. Is there. Forgive that. Forgive that me that I was fallen down. That I was under the weather under the same sky and did not. Not yet. If I took. If I had taken your good right hand I might have pulled you. Up. Pulled the black sea out of us. Saw you. Left you. Is there some truth in that? I went out to the cold. Thought I’d know what to do. Bring you with me. Bring you with. Sad and sad and sad fool me slipping down. Slope hill mountainside. Muck and stones on me. On my feet and rain in my hair. I thought about it but I could not stop. Pushed it further in. Needle and syringe. This will take me out of that. Like it could. As though it might do in any way. Forgive. Forgive me that that I didn’t see. Look out my eyes. That I didn’t know what I was doing though I did though I did. Oh do you love me. Can you love me. Do you love me still. My sins. My grievous. Woe my wrong. I went out to him and said do what you will if you want. If you’re able will you save me from that. I put a pillow on my face on your face and I said suffocate. It could have been. It could have been that. If I chose if I didn’t. If I knew what I do. I don’t so by the way I’m telling you. I’m warning now what a monster I have become. Soap in my mouth my eyes my hair turning bitter at the smallest drop. Of the rain give me the rain and all that. Wash oh yes that’s it wash away. My. Sin. Do you see. I can do what I can and that is that’s what I can do. Yes I’ve done my worst now have I yes I’ve done my falling down failed but will you. Let me. Pick you up. In some way. Just a little? These are my bits. My pieces I have dropped and thrown along the way. The pieces that were mine. Of me. Of my leprous hands my skin my eyes that I do not. Have not known too much. Held. Out to you. You need. I see that. You have fallen down. My brother. My brother and my love. For you’re the first one that I ever had. And we’ll be good as good we ever were. Gold. Children with running noses straggly hair and cheeks all chapped and braised by the wind by the sea. When we fell off things and chopped and cut ourselves til we thought we’d die. Of blood. Of cuts. And all our wounds we picked at. I yours you pick mine the scab of. Itch it. Itch it scratch til we bleed. Till the guck pours out. See it’s better now dabbling a finger in. See it’s running like water down my leg. See that. You’re my brother. See that. You are he. The one you were and I was too. All our shit for brains. Liked that. Swallow it down. We are. You are. No. That was me. See that all that. How great I was. Sure I was then that I might have been. Anyone. You too. Not. I’m so talented and you’re so thick. Did I say that? I don’t know. Do you love me? Can you love me even after that? Even now. I won’t ask and I won’t say that inside myself or ever out again. Forgive me brother. I know not what I do. Forgive me brother for I have sinned. We are all the things we’ll ever be. Even when I go on after that. After what is coming. Though it’s happening to you. Oh bless. Me. Find a way out of this. We were not meant. I know. Meant to go wrong. How we could not. How to avoid that I can’t discover. When do you think I will see you again? Do you think that I will. I will. I will. For I won’t let go. Even when you’re gone. Time’s going onwards. See it in my clock head. Ticking until you are run down. And I am frightened and I am afraid of the cold. Of the dark. Of the sea. See. I will do my best. For all I am the thing I am for what I am. For you. You. Until the ships come in, is that the right way? I don’t know now. I don’t know much. At all. Almost a thing. Say you love I’ll say I love you. Nothing better and nothing more? It needs an answer. Doesn’t. Answer me this. Do you think you’re going home? For a walk or for the night? Will it be good there? Any chance you’ll let me know? No. How would that be just a bad idea. Just a thing wrong. You. Us. For the meantime. In the meantime. I’ll say. Hold my hand. I’ll do. My. For you. My best for you. For what we should be. If you can show me all the parts that are working. And the not. Hurting or sleeping. Show me this in secret code. To fix. I’ll purge it. Kill it out. I’d kill anything for you. Rabbits and rats. Wring their necks to test on. Crushing flesh. Race round the world for only once born flower buds. Once thousand years I’d press their sap on you. Stick their thorns in you. Stick moss and weeds. Dance naked in the field horse through the town. Whisper that. You are sleeping. I know. I know. That dying way. Fully with your eyes saying last time for this. Last time for that. Open them up for me. Let me see in. To pluck out. To see it. A bit more. A just a bit more before. They are blue. So. Blue as up and up beyond. But they’re not bothered with a living thing. Food or children fecking loudly over football on the street. Cats meowing or my good perfume I think smells so well. Open your eyes show me what’s in. I’ll pull it out. I’ll bite it off like all wrong stitching. All wrong thread. Do I think I am who do I think I am. What did I ever do for you. I’ll do something that you want once. What. You’re off. Escaping all these things. Go away a little bit now. Now and more but still and still. I’d like to say. I’d like to say. Don’t. Stay here. Please. If you will. I won’t. I swear. Leave you alone.