A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (9 page)

I open my eyes. Do you know how to fuck? What? His red face. So it’s like this is what it’s like. What? Easiest do I ever did. He run scarlet. What? Spit settle on his lip I say let’s go for a walk. No risk for what will he answer ahhh and never no for sure.

She’s turned and looking though she didn’t hear but she knows something’s. Not like me to walk away with some lad and I know I’ll tell later to wipe the smile off her face when she says soooo what were you at? Go on give her one shouts one of the lads. Little does he know.

I tell her I took him farther to the trees and pulled my skirt up. Opened my knees said come on. He was almost died of fright. Tried to kiss me, press against me. Saying something sweet and nice. Like you’re sssssh. Take your trousers down. I’ll only touch his tremble cock. Red and small and scared of me but looking forward all the same. Go on then I say you’re a big hard man. You know don’t you know everything. I don’t he says. Oh don’t you? He tries. He cannot get it in says I. I twist myself around. He did for a little while and it feels like nothing inside me. He gulp say sorry sorry at the end. And I say I didn’t think you’d be a virgin. Jesus. Well someone had to do it for you. Booky booky me and pulled my skirt down pick bark off. Walked away feeling calmer now that that. I told her that later when she was. Startled still. I suppose it didn’t leave much room to say things about it. What for? Why not? Weren’t you scared he’d say no? No.

I pull my skirt neatly under when I sit back with them. Don’t want grass getting up my bum. Jingle jangle. I can be lots of fun see when I start to talk. I never knew you were such a laugh they say. He came too sat beside. Put his arm around my waist. I push that off. What are you doing? Am I your wife? They roaring laughing ask and what were ye up to in the hedge? Nothing much I say.

He was the first off. Worst off. I begin. Now I know full well what I can do. For me and for you.

Now I had two or three behind the prefabs. Consecutive days mind. Them boys. Muck to the great knee high. Slip my boots in it. Their knees ache with bending for they don’t know what. I won’t say I don’t either. Building building numbers up. When the rain comes I will not postpone. It’s now or never. But there’s a look-out for the vice deputy head who looks for smokers in the break. Not this. This no one’s ever seen though it runs round the school like wind.

One in the Ha bike shed. Handlebars dig in my back. He’s all embarrassed I should know the fat spots on his thighs. I have no eyes for that. No ears for any sound emit. I’m thinking counting ticking off. The great work. It’s my great work.

At the lake then two more on the late Saturday nights where they would pass me hand to hand if I would go. I would not. Maybe next week maybe next time. And swig of vodka pressing up my lips. That burn me down. I cannot see their faces or hips that bounce ready for me. I lie. I take my share of them the whole way and there are other girls here. Each one for herself. We don’t look her in the eye. The lads are here for what we are. It makes me laugh. That guzzle and the useless whinging come of them. Some little squeak rat caught in a trap.

And in a car the best. Warm and parked away. They’ll do what they can to me in here. On my knees I learn plenty – there’s a lot I’ll do and they are all shame when they think their flesh desired. Offer up to me and disconcerted by my lack of saying no. Saying yes is the best of powers. It’s no big thing the things they do.

When I go home my brazen flesh lets off the sound of doing something I should not. Our mother careful look and questions, cannot understand the alteration. And she’ll not let adjustment be without a nuclear fight. No going off to be another girl than I was before. No. There must be confession. Explanation. Close the bedroom door and bathroom. Keep my body secrets in, hers out if I could. I do not, will not be frying down in hell. My mind is blanket clear. It’s hot inside and not much breath but no one sees me where I am. It’s good not feeling pure.

We sat in the kitchen my friend and me. Drink instant coffee hot now tell me tell me what’s it like? Does it hurt? Are you sorry after? Do you feel ashamed and I encourage her to follow. You’ll like it on the other side. I’ll tell you how to do it right. She me laugh about I imitate their squawk Oh I’m coming coming coming. Makes us laugh hard all the more. But how do you dare and what’ll you say if you’re caught? This are boring. Better saying why it’s great.

I think she slipped away to other huddles back at school. Did not come around here so often. Quietly made a getaway from me and my many sins. Tarred with the same brush all of that. And after I wasn’t at all sorry about it. With her orange hair and love at first sight glued to her snout. I don’t wish I’d kept my big mouth shut.

There is no Jesus here these days just Come all you fucking lads. I’ll have you every one any day. Breakfast dinner lunch and tea. The human frame. The human frame. The human frame requires. Give them something. A good hock spit for what it’s worth. They’ll say my name forever shame but do exactly what I say. I’m a laughing skirt up round my knees and feathery boy rosen cheek between. I found the shell I’ll rap until it breaks. I found my new blousy blazen face. It makes me. Laugh. The shininess of it. Of say so. Follow tremble and obey.

The word go round it get round soon and soon I was to overflowing everyone could ask but I. Pick my moments when to strike. Say, come here and do your best.

I’m dizzy with. Can hardly bear to stop and talk. Hurt up between my legs and full of what they’ll do for me. Faces blaze with so much need, with twice much gratitude after it. They’ll not say one thing about us you see because after all, what’s fair is fair.

Those girls’ heads turn in the class. Flick flick ponytails. Wag wag at that. Natter natter look at that one. Dirty hoor. For I was somehow up the ladder. Above a bit of tongue or feel of my tit. Could say for sure this is what it feels like. To do. But I wouldn’t. Not to them. It’s mine alone. To replay on my own. For I am a woman now.

But that one day. A Saturday. Click click. I stood with my forehead on the glass. Thinking I can leave a grease print unappetising as it is. When did my face get like this? All that bloody fuck and sweat. It’s cold. The afternoon. Then on your blue bike you come breakily up the drive. I don’t know where you’ve been. Into town I now suppose. Back door squeal as you opened. Radio upstairs chortle to itself. She’s out praying with the nuns. A holy hour offered up for? Us. Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. That means two- kneed genuflect.

At the doorway where you stand. I say your nails are really black. Are they so? Yes they are and I go back on thinking of my skin and still you stand. Ignore my ignoring. So, what do you want? You’re wolfing back air and words and all sorts. Beet face boiled up ready to go. What? But you can be consternated for all I care. As if I care. As if. Well you’d know about dirty things you say. What? What’s that supposed to mean? Your face embarrassed me. That it took so much. And quietly like glue stuck in your mouth. Please tell me if it’s true. You know. That you.

What would I do to be dragged into the floor? Go plummet down please. Hell open up and take me in. Do all that? you say. Dirty stuff. Dirty things. That you did the it the thing with one of the lads from my year. That you did it during lunchtime in the bogs with some other. Shut up. Stop it. But you’re keep going on with wart toads popping from your tongue. That someone saw you down the lake. Who told you that? Is it true though? Is it? Is it? You are almost start to cry. Fuck off I say, you say that’s not the answer. Go on tell me if it’s true? And you’re walking coming crossing. Grab me by the elbow. Is it true? Is it true? I know you’re stronger than me now. First time and push me to the wall. Don’t you lie. You don’t lie here. Is it true? Bang me off it. Go on slut say that it’s so. What do you want? Is it true? It is! I shouted pushing hands and might against I sticking fingers at your eyes. You choke me. I expel splode fight against. Kicking at. Struggle. Whack for I’ll be screaming in a minute. Push me on the ground. It is disgusting whore sputter filthy disgusting wrong it’s wrong to. Do. Fucking bitch. I curl up miss me kick the floor. The stub of it. Rolling.

What’s going on in here she shouts. Caught you by a scrag of hair. What in God’s name are you doing to your sister? Stop it. Stop it calm down. I mean it. Stop it. Dear God in heaven stop it. She struggle. Struggling with you. Struggle while you pull her struggle off. While you push. Shouting roaring off your head. She saying this no way to behave. You’ll never make a priest like this. And pushed over. I see she fell. Jesus. Jesus all I say getting up. Putting hands out for blows. And she and she too. Stop it Jesus calm down. She is saying if you in carry on this way they’ll never take you in. You give her other push. I don’t want to be a priest a fucking fucking fucking priest. That’s no way to talk my boy as though you’re on TV. I want to escape you say I want to get away from the pair of ye. And strike out. We’re not struck at all. It’s going in you. Beating up against the walls. I want to be in the SAS. And you turn. She. Hit her between the shoulder and the neck so she cries. I. And then you ran. Out the door. Out the hallway. Out the house. Running to. Running like mad.

That’s a lash I’m quiet under. All the night you were away and she me sat and holding hands or piece and jam or cup of tea. Is that him knocking at the door? Her neck blacken and red. It was not you at all. Where were you? And when she had gone to bed I locked the door in secret. Let you stay out there.

But the next night you came home. It was a very quiet way. Say not a thing. No one say and that was the end of that.

Wander about the months sucking my teeth that you hurt. Touch and touching-up my eye. Packed in and up that life between my thighs. Keep it now for alone at night, for my thoughts to blister on. Can I meet you round the back at lunch? Just fuck off. You all can.

It’s only ever going home. You watch me. Crucified on the bus to hear them going Ah I wouldn’t mind a bit of that or the fine thing’s arse or I’d do her raw and red. For now taking it away they have me. I am at their mercy. And you push me down the bus steps. Push me out the door, saying see now see what you are? Everyone’s embarrassed at what you did. Everyone thinks you’re disgusting like a maggoty pervy type I’d kill if I went to war. That’s the job for you. You’re very sure. But did you tell? You’ll never say and she says nothing. I don’t see so I don’t think you did.

The last day is off school and you’re finished. All your exams the same. I don’t mention but I’m aching for the moment you’ll be leaving. The summer’s come. Something’s good in that for me. It dry up each my wounds of nasty thinking what I did. Now very nice do dishes for Mammy or rake the fire out instead of you. You never note, for that’s that now. Dirty beast and go away. Alright. I will. Leave or. I would. If I could.

And you are gone for army trials. Up the country. Long weekend and say yes that’s the life for me. It took two months. For your exams. For army invite coming through. That’s a loose summer working in the shop for you. I think you might at stacking shelves. It’s boring but you never say for August’s coming. She says prays for the right thing – please God a vocation – whatever that may be.

Remember O most gracious Virgin Mary that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection implored thy help or sought thy intercession was left unaided inspired by this confidence I fly unto thee O virgin of virgins my mother To thee do I come before thee I stand sinful and sorrowful. Oh Mother of the word incarnate despise not my petition but graciously hear and answer me. Amen.

August comes.

And when you come back that last day there’s envelopes. Two on the window ledge get damp with condensation she says exciting look at this for you. You tear them. It’s the start of the end of this life. Well it seems so. Then. Maths F Irish E English E History E Geography E Chemistry Incomplete. Oh love I’m sorry. It’s not that that counts you say. So that one’s that but one the next. Oh Jesus. From the Irish Defence Forces. Stamp.

We’re sorry to inform you height weight IQ and eyesight are are but we wish you the very best.

You there staring across the table. Weeping mother press her faces into hands. Oh what. Oh what. What will you do? Eighteen years and no exam. You mumbling things like join the navy. They’d soon teach you to be a man. Not soft as shite with all the women in this house. Stop that talk. Conspiracies walling in around. God will I never get a break you said. What’s waiting to jump out and be reason for your failure? Ha ha ha. Not you. Never your fault. The fucking army. No need for that filthy talk. Who needs all that anyway? you say. They’ll never be their own man.

Slinking I if I could past. I don’t want to talk about this. With her. Near you at any rate. It’s your problem. Hers to fix. But your brother. Don’t tell me. He would make a lovely priest. Fuck off off that. I’m still your mother. True. And don’t talk to me that way.

Before there’s anything else though I’m out the. I’m out the very. Quick. Quick.

PART III

LAND UNDER THE WAVE

1

Back to stacking shelves for you with all those ones you hate. Shot to the ground they’d be if you could. Still it’s sixty quid every week. Twenty for her. The rest for you for buying sweets. More packets every day that you conceal. Up your coat pocket. In your sleeve – when you’re walking through the kitchen. But my job’s the bedroom bins. Colour foils off been all stripped. Plastic twirled in tissues but I saw I see it. Ever pack of Murray mints. Scoffed them when us two weren’t around. Glut glut gluttony I decide to say if I decide to. Out you. Stick you on a greedy spike. That’s if I need to. If I will I don’t know. Yet.