A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (10 page)

So we’re doing Lent this year she say we’ve been too lax now look at us. And all our groan was no effect. Giving sweets up. All things sweet up. Yes and literally good for the soul. Oh my god those magic words. Set me to flight. In my secret world I’ll find some way to rebel. Smiling offer up my fudge for Christ and for all the angels and the saints. Hey presto or Olé! And give up sugar in my tea. And give up milk. I drink it black and eat burnt toast for indulgence of. The dead. I like this very much. Sacrificial virgin self I seem to be.

Much dourer you than me. This is such a waste of time you say. We’ve swapped places for these mortifying days. Say effing praying what’s the good of that? I said my night prayers every night and look at what they did to me. Who? They did. They all. Didn’t want me to succeed. I see. Good. Oh yes? You just have it so easy look at you. What? All the things you did but your life’s always so. You’re always doing well, you say. I am, am I? Just leave me by myself you stupid dirty sow. Cow.

Morning mass at seven o’clock up the convent every day. Trup trup trup St Theresa echo wax parquet. Say prayers for your exams she says to me. We’ll see what’s to come. So here’s to holy acceleration but all I see is the wall ahead. And you say alright I will too. Liar faker. I do not look at you your eyes when I can manage not. Think about your daily sweets.

Clap. Trap. We go on slugging chest and head when we can. But I always swerve from you are so fucking dim though that’s what I prize now the most. Not for being clever gets you what you want. Just where you are, I won’t be.

Mad lust of it you get for computer games go blip across a screen. That’s your eighteenth birthday gift improve your mind with. Further education she says. Thinks of analysts in rows in shirts and saved up tokens with the milk. You blip it often. Your room at night. Going. One another and another one after that. From the morning til you went to work and after tea after rosaries after watching some TV. The new love take up all your time. Eating sweets and Jupiter Landing. Come on and have a go. No. I don’t want to. It’s killing all your brain cells. So?

And after one year. All the same washed over. And after two. You are all calmed down to stacking neatly every day. Getting on the ground floor. Cursed and resigned. To something. What? All that stuff you go on about. I am keeping it clean as long as I can and see think you’ve forgotten all of that. That thing in the past lake shed prefab. Everyone’s quiet. They’re moved on to greener fields. Are grazing there on someone else. Just feel a scald of it now and then and think I’d like to get away. But look those boys out in the eye. I know it. Worse things. More than they. Spotty little dribble spittle. But my head goes half wild. Turning over my new leaf. I live to work up other days. I peck out of this school bus shell. Get the wind pouring through my hair. Moving to my own flat. Live on my own potato bake. Far off. Far off. Leaving you and her. Away. Turning tide off. White out my eyes. Ears nose and throat. That two years sitting in the gap. Exams come and go and soon I’ll soon I’ll not live here anymore.

I do. I get my A’s and B’s. I am ready to leap. Go then head first. On the train. I stand with my socks up. With my fingers sticking out. Wave away. Go on away. To the two of you that’s groggy from crying. She. You’re putting one hand on her shoulder. Take care of yourself and give us a call. Bye then. Bye. Pulling off pulling off for the city. Leaving that. Go back. All you behind. Put breath back in my body. Right now. Next now. What I’ll be?

2

City all that black in my lungs. In my nose. Like I am smoking am not but still. I’ll have a creaky bed up in some woman’s house. For too much a week, that I don’t guess. Will do. Maybe soon. Unpack my socks and. Oh. That’s being lonely. Lying here. Head and feet not knowing where they’ve come to. The rest and. Both of ye. And shocking. That. Homesick. I am. Oh God. Between my eyes spat new sparkle pangs. Give a leg up here. Give me a chance. I’ll be dwindling over baked beans every single night and see some Murray mints think of you. Oh terrible. Such an unexpected. Slip.

But with all that I begin. On the very first day. Going in the college door hello. Oh I am. Yes. Just over there. Fine thanks. Yes thanks. Fine grand yep I will. There. So so we are just the one of us now. Me. God everyone’s at home still doing the same why am I here? Think of her in her rosaries and you at the shelf.

This room smells of chalk smells bad to me. Go on. Jesus. Loads of people. Strangers coming going here. I see in this room rolling black boards is a new thing. But grills on windows is a what does that mean? I don’t. Never seen that before. Ha. A wicked city I have come to. So all kinds of things must go on. I know.

And another one comes in and another one comes in. Is it sixty people here? They talk like all this is the same to them. What things have they done that makes them easy and right? Saying yeah yeah yeah when I was in the States or I was in London this summer. They know the world. They know what levi’s proper tops and shoes to wear. Am I I am dowdy or something with too long hair. They speak out loud and I am wrong wrong wrong.

Some girl with all nice clothes on wearing make-up as it’s alright to do. God isn’t. Never – desperate that. I must. Oh. Something new. Sitting down all the blue stuff on her eyes are laughing looking round. Crossing her legs like she should I do not. Giving ankles crossed more than enough. Hi and how are you are you here for this course too? What? Oh yes aha I am yes too. Oh good thought it was the wrong room never understand them accents them Brits have got. Your woman in the office. Yes I understand enough.

This one’s talking. An awful lot. She’s got me out of all the ones. I don’t know. I have my red dress on? Are you living near? Just around the corner. I’m from here she says. Oh right. I just thought it would be a laugh you know. I know. I don’t. God look at that she says. That’ll be him The Big Cheese. And in he comes in. Fella sparkle-eyed with a plomp load of books. My heart go bang at no go back now no go back. Some new education begins.

Coming coming? What? For a drink you must, course you can go on she says. Na no thanks I don’t na no well alright I will. But when we get there I don’t know what to do. Not never been to a pub. What’ll I. Go on. Go on iniquity time again, it’ll go with all that smoke she is blowing up my nose. She’s done this lots before. I see settled on the barstool drooping out her chest. What’ll you have then hey what to drink? Em thinking I’ll have Guinness for want of knowing what else what. Jesus that’ll give you guts. Go on well I’ll have what you’re having I say. I have lager, two please and sit down there. I’ll get these with my held pound note out or two.

Bringing over giving a bounce. Big red gums. Her ponytail flick it back forth in my pint. So then there’s some kind of talking going. She and me. I’ve drunk up that. Stinking still she smoking silk cut red, look at them so small. I do not know smoking ins and outs. But good for giving Marilyn Monroe face. Puss. Droop her eyes down. Look all. That. In my mouth and in my hair. Saying her family and crazy Dad’s a famous writer I haven’t heard but then but then. Groggeldy when they lived in Sweden fighting over opera seats and drinking schnapps. I fresh bewildered, ripple thrill of it people who. Oh God. Oh God. That’s it. And her mother’s orange hair and black lace skirt she wears when she talks on the television. So boring she says. Always going on about her family in public because she is Therapist. We’re nearly in America with that. Like Hollywood and I am gob impressed. And me? Nothing really. No my family’s just the. You know. Like everyone else apart from you. And we’ll drink another and brain go down til seeya tomorrow. Alright then. I will.

I take the bus home reeling over me. That’s a feeling. Frighten brilliant new. I am just head on the pillow when she phone. The bring bring. It’s half past nine. I’ll sleep but landlady whack. You. You. Your mother’s on the phone. She’s been calling half the night don’t let me say it again. Sorry.

Hello love and how are you? I’ve been calling half the night. Just wanted to know how you got on? And are you settled in and is your room damp is it fine have you managed to find your way and is the church nearby? Yes Mammy. Don’t forget to say your prayers. For Jesus loves you here or there. I’m fine Mammy. I am fine and you are are you well? Is that the right words I am using? I feel big and vast and my head’s buzzing all round my voice. And every stuff. Hmm everything strange. You sound a little. Are you drunk? she says. I’m. Are you? I’m. Holy God you are. Have you no. Have you no shame? No more than a week gone and already come to this. You listen here young lady. This is not how I reared you to live. I want you to promise. Promise this’ll be an end to that. You know drinking’s the devil’s work. Now stop it. Promise. Say you will. You will. I trusted you. I’m saying Mammy I will. Never thought you’d carry on like this. Oh crying. Mammy Mammy Mammy. Don’t be crying. I only had a few. I won’t then. I won’t then again. Promise me. I do. I do promise I won’t. I’m sorry Mammy. Now don’t. Cry plunging sickness waves of home. Go on my drunk brain encircled feeling my own badness sticking in. Oh how I’ll be sorry again. So breathe now. Ha. Ah. I do. I’m done and down. I won’t. I promise. Drink again. Good well that’s all I want to know. Your brother sends his love to you. Right. Love. Take care of yourself. Good night. Goodnight. Strings of words. Strings of words. I go upstairs. I go up to sleep.

I keep my promise until the next day and the next day after is gone. I smell this is some world I’m in with loosed down hair. It is my mother cannot see. Cannot see into. I am glass no more. My body gone opaque so one hundred miles far. Won’t know won’t hurt her. Not ever can you say. Not ever you can tell tale tattler on me.

We are bad her. She and me. My friend I’d call. Run wound to each. Going. Going. Thither thither. Places. Going all aware. Going to no good. Perhaps. Fling. Think never ever thinking I’ll look back. Nor do I don’t I. I don’t know what or I don’t know yet.

See here this party. It’s a mad. I had never been. I have only seen and thought films were like that. Music hurting on the innards. Door. Lungs. People pouring noise out front back of this old house. Some glasses beakers. I have cans. In my bag. Where do I? Out them there no don’t put down or they’ll go you’ll be sorry. Money spent. I trup trup off behind her. Think I’m new and white. In the garden. In the wet. For grass still sucks it up all day. Where’s this? Just some fella I know she says. He said come and bring a friend. Him and other lads have this band. Oh. Brilliant. Good too. They squat here. Christ. What do I know? What do I know? People living mad life but I’m around it now. I can be in. I’m. What I’d say to those girls in school if. No. I won’t. Won’t be going back in there. I’m going just to say hello she says you stay here. And I sit under this tree while. What type’s it? Apple. Mortified at being alone. Drink up. Watch. She seeing them. Says I’m black now am I? Well then give us a kiss. She slather their hands on. Blankets wet full mouth smirking aren’t you pleased to see me? She knows all the right stuff. Right things done said brings the. Going house in. What is perfect on this lawn, there is no shame. She. Looking over her shoulder. Roll her eyes. You know what it means. I’m going. Off. Nod. Laughing me and she’ll tell later on whatever he has done.

I am fine sit and drink and watch. All this harlotting go full on. Twist to look like I’m in here not just sitting by myself. Lay in the grass. Foots trodding dance around. See up skirts. In trousers. Music pumping ground under my head. I think some poems I’ll write. About. Sights. Remember. This wood smell of. Damp and. Dandelions stain on my bare leg. Sip up my. Sip and slurp it drink. Think of being by myself. Here. In this stranger’s downstairs flat. That. Whirl. Some fella coming up. Do you mind if I sit he and who are you then? Who are you? Do I know you no I do not. I turn my head is very slow and. Some strange man he is to me. Some man with black hair combed strange like balding but not. It seems. Will I talk at all I will. He chatting my name and all those things. I falling into that. Suppose I am here on my own. Will you another? Thanks for that. Will hear him tell me he’s how old a lot oh God lotter than me. I am addling but good to be seen. It’s very good to be seen.

Hello there and one of these. You want some? Smoke. Never do. But will. It’s something else. No I don’t know how. But. Go on lassy you inhale and hold. That’ll do. That Jesus rips the tender throat out. Jesus give the eyes a very stream. He is laughing with at me but about my whirring head. I don’t like. Do. He lie beside. Stick his fingers in my hair. Aren’t you a lovely lovely thing. And talking to he’s talking still. I curling poems cannot listen. Smoke in again and in again. Feels hours and hours him and me. Our heads on a root. Benutted tree I see London. I see France. I can see your underpants. I hear him singing put his hand between my knees. Go way think I’m laughing. Spin the brain away from here. Ha you’re tickling. Don’t do please. Come on says he come on time to go to bed. Time for us to be out of this fet air. Where we going? Come on o human child. I singing oky ho-ky do-ky. Ha ha help me down from this wet earth. I’ll come. I’ll. Now I’ll come with you.

In the morning peel up eyes sweat shut. Cracked ceiling somewhere I don’t know. Doubt. See. Thinking what’s the wherm I? Who? Lying. Man beside. Breeze whistling from a mouth.

Hello. Wake up. Sorry. Who are you? And I think I remember. Someone’s lap. I sat on. On a bus. And I see. And in that chair was. God. I know. What’s the worst thing that I done? He poke it in. Oh yes. Yuck. Going inside. And check myself. Feel I yes I know he’s done. Inside. This I should, I do know. Do not do this. It’s all that bad and could be worse. A lot lot later on. Worry then. Who’s he but? That man there beside me. Wait he rolls and I can see. Sweaty eye paps fill sinus guck. And he is balding in the light. Time to go my separate ways. Goodbye tra la la la. Get in the day. Into the street. Quick. Thanks yeah bye don’t call.