A Hopeful Heart (18 page)

“He said you spoke to the bishop about what happened with that
Englisher.
”

“His name is Trey.” She nearly spat out the words.

“Right. Trey.” He smiled. “I was
froh
to hear you’re reconsidering your friendship with him and you’re sorry for what you
did.”

Hannah blinked.
Am I dreaming or is Joshua truly patronizing me?
“My discussion with the bishop was private. I only wanted
mei dochdern
to know about it.”

“I know.” Joshua touched his chest. “I’m sorry. Andrew asked me what it all meant.
I think he just needed someone to talk to because he was confused. It wasn’t like
I was listening to gossip.”

Hannah snorted. “I think our whole community needs to stop listening to gossip. Have
you heard what’s been said about me? Have you seen how folks have turned their backs
on me? Even the school board has formed opinions about me. I had to go apologize to
the bishop so Lillian could be considered as a candidate for teacher next year.”

Joshua nodded. “I know what they’ve been saying. And I know you just had a momentary
lapse of reason. You didn’t mean to put your arms around the
Englisher.
You really want to be with someone in the community, not him.”

“A momentary lapse of reason?” Hannah pursed her lips as anger boiled inside her.
“Joshua, I’ve known you since we were
kinner
, and I’d hoped you were more perceptive than that. Apparently I was wrong.” She started
for the porch. “
Gut nacht.
”

“Wait!” Joshua ran after her. “I’ve said something wrong. I’m sorry.”

She spun and faced him. “No, you’re not sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry
you and the rest of the community can’t be a little more open-minded about the
Englishers.
Trey is someone I can talk to, and he understands me. He knows what it feels like
to wake up in the middle of the night and, for a moment, forget he’s alone because
he still can’t believe his spouse is gone.”

Josh’s eyes widened. “I lost Gideon too. No, he wasn’t my spouse, but he was
mei bruder.
We were close. I know what you’re going through, Hannah. I can help you too.”

“No, you can’t. It’s not the same thing.”

He opened his mouth to protest, and she interrupted him.

“I’m not done.” She wiped away a tear and wished her voice wouldn’t quaver. “I promised
I would stop seeing him for my family’s sake, not because I wanted to. I’m tired of
getting dirty looks at church services. I’m tired of watching
mei dochder
mope around the
haus
because a rumor about me is preventing her from being a teacher. I swallowed what
little self-respect I had left and went to see the bishop yesterday even though I
don’t think I have anything to apologize for.”

“Hannah, I just want—”

“Stop.” She held up her hand. “You think you know what’s best for me, but, honestly,
you don’t. I think I know what’s best for me.” She raised her chin. “
Gut nacht.
”

“That’s not it.” His frown deepened. “I wasn’t going to tell you what’s best for you.
I was going to tell you that I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

She blanched. “What did you say?”

“You heard me.” He frowned and shook his head. “I’ve loved you since we were teenagers,
but I was invisible next to Gideon. You’re the reason I never married. No one could
ever compare to you.”

Hannah grimaced. “Joshua, that’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?” He clicked his tongue. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, and every
time I’ve tried to tell you, you’ve
rebuffed me. I’ve been trying to get your attention ever since Gideon passed away.
I never resented him for marrying you, but now that he’s gone, I want to try to make
a life with you.” He pointed toward the stables. “We can run this farm together and
be a family, a real family. You know I adore those
kinner
like they’re my own.”

Hannah wiped another tear as regret and guilt filled her. She should never have been
so nasty to Joshua. “I know you do, and they love you too.”

“But you don’t love me.” His scowl was deep, causing her heart to ache. She’d never
intended to hurt him.

“Joshua, you know I care about you.”

His expression softened. “That’s a start. All marriages are based on a caring relationship,
Hannah. We’ve been family a long time, and we both want what’s best for your
kinner.
” His eyes were full of hope. “You may not be in love with me now, but give yourself
time. My parents started out as friends and fell in love later. You could eventually
fall in love with me too.”

Hannah sighed. “Joshua, it’s not that simple.”

“
Ya
, it can be.” He reached for her hand and cradled it in his. “I truly believe God
wants us to be together. Why else would he have given us this successful business?
It makes sense, Hannah. Just think about it.” He nodded toward the pasture. “We have
this beautiful farm. Let’s build a life together. Please, Hannah.” His eyes pleaded
with her. “Please give me a chance to prove to you just how much I love you and the
kinner.
I think this is what Gideon would want.”

She studied his hopeful expression and couldn’t bring herself to break his heart.
His eyes were full of love for her and what could be. Was he right? Was this what
Gideon would
want? She couldn’t imagine that Gideon would want her to leave the community for an
Englisher.
After all, the community was where they’d grown up and where they’d planned to raise
their children. Maybe Joshua was right. Maybe she did belong with him.

“Will you just think about it, Hannah?” His words filled the uncomfortable silence
between them.

She gave him a slight nod.

“
Gut.
” He gestured toward the buggy. “It’s getting late. I should go.”

Hannah wrung her hands as she followed him. His proposal echoed through her mind.

He smiled as he stood by the buggy. “We’ll talk again soon.
Gut nacht.
”

Hannah watched the buggy roll down the driveway, and she wondered how her life had
suddenly become so complicated. Confusion swarmed within her as she considered her
quandary—Joshua’s offer of a life in a community she loved as opposed to the possibility
of exploring a relationship and a new life with Trey.

S
unday morning, Hannah sat at the table surrounded by her children. “Who would like
to read for devotions?”

“I would.” Amanda took the Bible from the center of the table. “I’d like to read from
Romans today.”

“That sounds
gut.
” Hannah smiled at her daughter.

Amanda cleared her throat. “I’m going to start with Romans chapter eight, since we
read chapter seven the other night. ‘There is now no condemnation for those who are
in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life
has set you free from the law of sin and death.’“

“Wait.” Hannah held up her hand. “Amanda, would you please read that again?”

“
Ya
.” Amanda repeated the first two verses.

“I like that.” Andrew tapped his fingers on the table. “To me, it means we’re free
because of Jesus.”

“Exactly.” Lillian touched Andrew’s nose. “You’re a smart
bu.
”

Andrew glared at her. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a
boppli.
”

“No bickering during devotions.” Hannah looked at Amanda. “Those are two beautiful
verses. Continue, Amanda.”

She finished reading the chapter, and then they bowed their heads in silent prayer.

Amanda closed up the Bible. “Who are we going to go visit today?”

“
Onkel
Josh says we can go to
Mammi’s
today.” Lillian stood and pointed toward the door. “We can ride with him.”

“Let’s go!” Andrew started for the door. “I think he was finishing up when I came
in for devotions.”

Amanda followed him with Lillian in tow.

Hannah’s stomach lurched. She couldn’t imagine a day spent with Barbie. She knew she
needed to forgive her for all she had said, but she couldn’t stand the idea of trying
to make small talk knowing about the rumor she had started. She also wasn’t ready
to face Joshua after he’d nearly proposed to her the other night. Although she appreciated
his desire to marry her, she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of marrying a man she
didn’t truly love. Yet she also didn’t want to break his heart.

“
Mamm?
” Lillian turned to her. “Are you coming?”

“I think I’m going to stay home today. My stomach is a little upset.” She pointed
in the direction of her bedroom. “I’m going to lie down.”

Lillian’s eyes rounded. “You’re
grank
?”

“Do you want me to stay home with you?” Amanda stepped toward her. “I can make you
some tea.”

“No, no.” Hannah waved off the offer. “I’ll be just fine. You all go and enjoy your
time with your
mammi.
I’ll be fine here. Just go on without me.”

“I hope you feel better.” Andrew smiled and then rushed through the mudroom toward
the porch.

Lillian frowned. “If you need us, just leave a message on
Mammi’s
answering machine. I’ll check it periodically.”

Hannah nodded. “I will.
Danki, mei liewe.
”

Lillian exited through the mudroom, but Amanda hesitated.

“I’m fine, Amanda.” Hannah gestured toward the door. “You can go.”

“Are you certain?” Amanda raised her eyebrows. “Is there something you’re not telling
us?”

Hannah considered telling her daughter the truth, but she didn’t want to upset Amanda
or drag her into something that had nothing to do with her. Why burden a child with
adult problems? “I just would like some time alone.”

Amanda nodded. “I understand that. I’ll explain to
Onkel
Josh. Enjoy the quiet.”

“I will.
Danki.
” Hannah smiled. “I’ll see you around supper time.”

“See you later.” Amanda made her way out the door.

Hannah watched out the kitchen window as her children climbed into Joshua’s buggy.
The horse came to life and soon the buggy was rattling down the driveway and out of
sight. She was grateful Joshua hadn’t come in to check on her.

Hannah scanned the kitchen and listened. The walls blanketed her in deafening silence.
Loneliness filled her like a suffocating fog. She’d hoped being alone would give her
a sense of peace, but instead she felt hollow.

Hannah sat at the kitchen table and opened the Bible. She flipped to Romans chapter
eight and scanned the verses Amanda had read aloud. She concentrated on verses 1 and
2, which had spoken so loudly to her earlier: “… because through Christ Jesus the
law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

The Scripture spoke to her heart and erased the loneliness that had filled her when
her family left. The Scripture told her
she was forgiven. If she was forgiven, then why did she have to ignore her feelings
for Trey?

Hannah closed the Bible and padded to her room, where she opened her top bureau drawer
and dug through her clothing to find the business card Trey had given her the last
time they’d spoken. She stared at his cellular phone number and considered calling
him. What damage could a phone call do? She just wanted to hear his voice and see
how he was. It would be an innocent phone call between two friends and nothing more.

She clutched the business card in her hand while she headed out to the barn. She stood
in front of the phone and her stomach tightened. She’d never called Trey on the phone
before. What would she say to him? Hannah shook her head and quietly laughed at herself.
She was acting like a silly teenager who had a crush on a boy.

She lifted the receiver and dialed the number. After three rings, the call connected.

“Hello?” Trey’s voice came through the phone. It sounded warm and smooth, just as
she’d remembered.

“Hi, Trey. This is Hannah.” She coiled the cord around her finger as she spoke. “How
are you?”

“Hannah!” The excitement in his voice caused her to forget her worries and smile.
“I’m great. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” She lowered herself onto the stool by the desk that held the phone.

“I’m surprised to hear from you. I thought you couldn’t see me.”

“I needed to know how you are.” She glanced toward the barn door and looked up at
the blue sky. “It’s a beautiful day.”

“Yes, it is. I was just heading out to church.” He paused. “Don’t you have church?”

“Not today. It’s an off Sunday.” She ran her fingers over the desk, which Gideon had
built many years ago when they first moved out to the farm. “We have church every
other Sunday. Today’s a day for visiting. My children went to visit their grandparents,
but I decided to stay home.”

“Oh.” His tone was inquisitive. “Would you like to go to church with me?”

Hannah hesitated. Although she was permitted to visit other churches, she knew that
being spotted with Trey again might be a risk. Yet she felt drawn to both Trey and
the possibility of experiencing his way of worshiping the Lord.

“Yes.” Her voice was more confident than she’d expected. “I would like that very much.”

“Great! I can be there to pick you up in about ten minutes.”

“Wonderful. I’ll see you soon.” Hannah hung up the phone and her heart skipped a beat.

She rushed into the house to get ready. By the time Trey’s car pulled into the driveway,
she had freshened up and changed into her best dress.

She hurried down the porch steps and met him at the car. He seemed more handsome than
she’d remembered, and she found herself captivated by him. He was clad in a gray suit
with a blue tie. His hair and goatee were perfectly manicured, and his eyes were warm
and kind. She smiled up at him, and her heart turned over in her chest.

Was this love?

Confusion gripped her and she felt lightheaded for a moment. How had she managed to
fall in love with an
Englisher
?
The question hit her like a thousand bales of hay falling from the loft in the barn.

All her life Hannah had wanted to be Amish. She’d been baptized when she turned eighteen,
and she cherished the members of her community. She coveted the plain life and raising
her children on the horse farm Gideon and Joshua had built together. She’d never longed
for the opulent
English
life. Never once had she longed for fancy clothes, or jewelry, or the convenience
of cars and cellular phones. Working at the hotel had only helped to secure her Amish
faith.

Yet now she found herself standing at a crossroads, and her heart was stuck in her
throat. She felt as if she didn’t know herself anymore. She’d never expected her love
for the only life she’d ever known to be threatened. She felt excitement mixed with
fear bubble up inside her, and she needed God to guide her through this confusion.

Lord, what does this all mean? Is this the path you’ve chosen for me? Do you want
me to leave the community I love and be shunned?

Trey’s smile cut through her thoughts. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” She hoped her voice didn’t reveal the confusion rioting within her.

“You look lovely.”

“Thank you.” She smiled while marveling at how he made her feel alive for the first
time in years. Her heart pounded for him after not having felt the excitement of falling
in love since she was a young woman.

Trey opened the passenger side door and made a sweeping gesture. “Please get in and
make yourself comfortable. We have to get on the road if we’re going to make it for
the opening hymn.”

Hannah settled herself into the seat and breathed in the leather while fastening her
seat belt.

Trey steered out of the driveway and the car bounced onto the paved road. “I was really
shocked but happy to get your call this morning. What made you change your mind about
seeing me again?”

Hannah turned toward him. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and it seems like every
road leads me to you.”

He gave her a sideways glance while raising an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve tried to keep myself from thinking of you. When my children left this morning,
I thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet and instead I felt lonely. The house was
too quiet. I found myself longing to call you to fill the void.”

“I’m honored that you called me.”

“I also have a story I want to share with you. There was a reason I was so distant
when we talked the other day.” She watched the farms pass by out the window while
she told him about her meeting with the bishop.

“You had to go apologize for hugging me to get Lillian a chance to be the teacher?”
Trey asked after she’d finished her story.

Hannah nodded. “We live by rules, and the rules are very important to us. The community
perceived our relationship as immoral, even though we didn’t do anything wrong.”

“And you’re breaking another rule by being with me again. Couldn’t the rumors be worse
this time?”

“
Ya
, they could be. People may assume I want to leave the community or they may continue
to accuse me of having an immoral relationship.”

“What would happen then?”

“If I don’t confess in front of the congregation, I could be shunned.”

Trey slowed to a stop at a red light and looked at her with his eyes wide. “Do you
want to be shunned, Hannah?”

“All I know is that I need to be with you. And there is nothing wrong with that. If
everything comes from God, then that means this relationship does too. How can our
friendship be wrong if it came from God?”

He shook his head. “But you just said you apologized for hugging me so that you could
help Lillian. What will happen to your children if you’re shunned?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

“Hannah.” He touched her hand, and his skin was warm. “I don’t want you to do anything
to hurt your children. Nothing is worth hurting them.”

“I know, but it’s more complicated than that. I’m not trying to hurt them. I’m trying
to do what I believe is right.” She shook her head. “Amanda read Romans chapter eight
this morning during devotions and two verses spoke to my heart.” She recited the verses.
“I don’t believe I need to let my community prevent me from doing something that in
my heart I believe isn’t a sin. Does that make sense?”

The light turned green, and a horn tooted behind them.

Hannah smiled. “You’d better go. The people behind us are in a hurry too.”

Trey negotiated a turn and then pulled into the parking lot of Paradise Community
Church.

Hannah looked up at the white church and admired the bell tower and stained glass
window. It seemed like any other church
she’d ridden by in her life. Her stomach tightened at the idea of walking inside it.
She’d never stepped foot in a church before, and the possibility of worshiping in
a different way was exciting.

“Are you ready?” Trey’s smile was hesitant. “If you’re uncomfortable, I can take you
home. I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to go to church with me.”

“I agreed to this, Trey. Don’t feel as if you’re forcing me to do anything.” She pushed
the door open. “I’m ready.”

They walked across the parking lot, and Trey waved and smiled at members of the congregation
who greeted him by name. Hannah nodded in response to their curious smiles and waves
to her.

A man in a suit held open the large wooden door as Hannah and Trey entered the church.
Another well-dressed man standing at the entrance to the sanctuary handed Hannah a
folded booklet with a beautiful image of a waterfall and a Scripture verse under it.

“Thank you.” Hannah took the booklet and glanced up at Trey as they moved toward the
pews.

“It’s called a bulletin.” His words were soft in her ear. “It has information in it,
such as the order of the service, hymn numbers, and church meetings and events.”

Hannah followed him to a row near the back and sat beside him by the aisle. She glanced
through the bulletin. It felt strange to have the service printed out in her hand.
She’d never been in a sanctuary or sat in a pew. She was used to sitting on a backless
bench in the home or barn of a community member every other week.