A House Without Windows (20 page)

His heart beat faster as he heard the train approaching.  Stepping into a carriage, he closed the door, took off his rucksack, and settled into a corner seat.

He was on his way!

He remembered to send a message to Tara:

‘Gone to Croydon to see my dad.  Meet up tomoz.”

The stations flashed past: Diss, Ipswich, Manningtree and Colchester.  Before too long he was in the very heart of London.  At the Liverpool Street terminal he got out of the train and looked around, overawed by the size of the station and the amount of people rushing to and fro.  Putting his ticket into the slot on the security barrier at the entrance to the tube station, he felt relieved when the gate opened to let him through.  As he travelled down in the escalator towards the Central line he wrinkled his nose at the smell, and remembered he hadn’t liked it much the previous time either.

A whooshing sound heralded the arrival of the train, full of shoppers and tourists out for the day in London. There was nowhere to sit.  Joss hung onto one of the overhead straps until he arrived at Bank.  The Northern line was somewhat less crowded, and he found a seat next to a couple of Japanese tourists who gabbled away incomprehensively until he could thankfully escape at London Bridge. 

He could not stop the butterflies in his stomach on the journey to East Croydon.  He checked the number of the bus again on his phone. There was a message from Tara:

‘Ta for the message. CU tomoz. X’

He smiled at the kiss, and ate a piece of his mother’s apple strudel, washing it down with some water out of a plastic bottle he remembered to put in the side pocket of his rucksack. By the time the train pulled into the station he was feeling queasy with nervousness.  After finding the men’s room he walked outside and joined the queue for the 465 bus.  He looked down at his phone.  It was 1.24; exactly four hours since he had left Norwich.  He would be face to face with his real dad in little more than half an hour’s time.

CHAPTER 52

The double decker bus travelled slowly through the centre of Croydon, slowing down at every bus stop along the way to pick up frazzled shoppers laden with a multitude of bags and possessions.  By the time it had reached Shirley Hills the majority of passengers had alighted, leaving only Joss and two other women sitting downstairs.  The women stayed on until Ardlington, stepping off behind Joss as the bus pulled up in front of the hospital.

The women were obviously visiting somebody, as they seemed to know where to go.  Joss walked slowly behind them, watching them showing some sort of paperwork to the man standing in front of a 15 foot high main door that was closed and bolted, but with a smaller open door on the right hand side built into it.  The women walked through the smaller opening, which the guard then closed and locked.

“Afternoon, son.  Can I see your visitors’ pass please?”

Joss felt his heart sink into his boots:

“I haven’t got one.  Somebody phoned me yesterday to tell me my dad wanted to see me today.”

“Who’s your dad?”

“Edwin Evans.”

“Ah yes, that was me. He changed his mind. Next time you’ll need to apply for a pass at least five days in advance.”

“Yeah, sorry.  There wasn’t time to get one.”

“Go straight on and through the door on your left at the end of the courtyard. Someone will show you where to go from there.”

The guard opened the door and Joss stepped through the opening and into a pleasant courtyard with fountains on either side cascading into two shallow ponds, each containing several large goldfish.  Cherry trees covered in pink blossom fringed the edges of the courtyard, and numerous benches had been built beneath the trees.  The whole scene was tranquil, and Joss felt like resting on one of the seats for a while.  However, visiting time was only until four o’clock, and it was already past two.

His heart began to pound in his chest when he saw the open door at the other end of the courtyard.  A member of staff was there to direct him to the visitors’ area, a short walk away down a corridor painted a pale yellow.  Joss saw several patients seated at tables with their visitors.  The two women he’d seen on the bus were seated either side of a thin teenage girl, and all three seemed to be talking at the same time. 

“I’ve come to see Edwin Evans.”

“You need to leave that rucksack here with me, but he’s over there.”

The burly guard behind his desk pointed over to a man sitting alone at a table on the far side of the room, staring straight at him.  Joss reasoned the man to be in his early sixties.  He had grey hair and a grey beard and his body seemed thin under a loose fitting dark blue track suit. Joss could see the facial features were unmistakably those of himself in fifty years’ time.  He took off his rucksack, gave it to the guard, and walked around the other tables towards the man.

“Hello.”  Joss was lost for any more words at the sight of his father.

The man continued staring at him without speaking.  Joss sat down opposite and tried to think of something to say:

“I’m Joss.  I’m your son.  My mother is Beth.”

“What kind of a fucking name is Joss?” 

“It’s short for Jocelyn.  Yeah, I hate it as well.  It sucks.”  Joss was pleased to have elicited some sort of response from his father.

“I read about a Jocelyn in a book I once had as a kid.  I gave it to your sister.  Is she here?”  Evans looked towards the door.

“No. Just me.  Amy kept the book for years, but I don’t know where it is now.”

“She’d better not have chucked it away.  I told her to look after it.”  The voice sounded threatening.  “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to meet you. That’s all.”  Joss smiled and looked into inscrutable coal black eyes the image of his own.

“Well, now you have you’ll piss off I suppose.” 

“I wouldn’t mind a cup of tea first.  I’ve been travelling for four hours.”

“Where do you live then?  Back of bloody beyond?”

Joss laughed nervously and twisted his hands together:

“No.  We live in Norwich, near the station.”

“I first saw your mother in Norwich.  I was in hospital.  She had long blonde hair.  An angel of mercy.  That’s what she was.  An angel of mercy.” Evans’ voice softened. “I think about her every day.  I’m only alive now because I know I’ll see her again.  I’d have topped myself otherwise.” 

“Well, she’s older and her hair’s short and grey now.  It’s always been short as far as I can recall.  Is that the tea trolley?” Joss had not travelled for four hours to talk about his mother.

“Tell her to grow it!”  Evans thumped his fist on the table. “She must not have it cut!”

The guard stood up from his desk and looked across.  Joss felt a wave of fear rush through his body.

“It’s ok Dad, I’ll tell her.”  He moved away and took two cups of tea from the trolley, giving one to his father. 

“I have three sugars.” 

“Ok. Give me the cup again and I’ll put them in.”

Joss added three heaped teaspoons of sugar to his father’s tea. Evans’ bad temper disappeared as quickly as it had arrived on being handed the sweet, steaming liquid.

“When’s your mother coming to see me?”  He whined. “You’re the first visitor that’s come since I’ve been here.” 

“Mum’s married now.  My stepfather wouldn’t want her to come.”  Try as he might, Joss could not seem to drag the conversation away from his mother.

“If it wasn’t for you being born, you little shit, she’d still be home with me.”  Evans hissed softly between closed teeth, sipped some tea, and all the while his black eyes bored into Joss. “They got me while I waited outside for her to be wheeled out of the operating theatre.  This is all your fucking fault.  I should have kept her with me then you would have died.  It’s the biggest mistake I ever made, taking her to that place.”

Joss felt shocked and uncomfortable.  The meeting was not going the way he’d planned.  His father should have been pleased to see him after sixteen years.

“Tell that prick his days are numbered.  When I get out of this fucking hospital I’m coming for him.  I take my medications like I’m told.  I’m a good boy.  My six-monthly assessment is coming round soon.  I’ll be good and will be out of here and on my way to Norwich to get my Beth before you can say ‘Jack shit’.”  

Joss found his father’s eyes mesmerising.  They did not seem to blink at all.  The stare tore through his very core, chilling him to the bone.  He wanted to cry.  He wanted to go home.

He stood up.  The cup rattled as he placed it back in the saucer.

“I’ve got to go now Dad, to get the last bus back to the station.”

“Yeah, you do that. Tell your mother to come instead next time.  We’ve got unfinished business to discuss.”

CHAPTER 53

He had to sit down outside in the courtyard to recover.  He let hot tears dry in his eyes as he gazed at the tinkling fountain and tried to regain some equilibrium.  His phone started to vibrate inside the rucksack, and his fingers shook as he undid the zip to search for it.  There were thirteen missed calls from his mother and one text from Tara:

‘Ur mum’s been phoning our house looking for u.  My mum told her u weren’t there before I could tell her not to say anything.  Soz. x’

Christ!

“Hi Mum!”  He tried to make his voice sound as normal as possible.

“Joss!  Where are you?  I’ve been trying to phone you.”  His mother sounded anxious.

“I’m in Norwich.  Be home later.”

“What are you doing?”

“Hanging out with Benny.”

“There’s money missing from the cash box. Over a hundred pounds.  Did you take it?”  His mother’s voice sounded as though she already believed he had.

“No. Of course not.”  The lie was instinctive and a weak attempt at self-preservation.

“I just know you’re lying!  Dad hasn’t taken it and I certainly haven’t.  The money was for paying the gardener.  Where is it Joss?”  Her voice was rose in anger.

“I – I don’t know!  It wasn’t me!” 

“Come home now.  If you’re not home in half an hour there’ll be trouble!” 

His mother ended the phone call suddenly.  Joss felt wretched and put his head in his hands.  The day had started out so promising, but had started to deteriorate as soon as he’d met his father.  The man was clearly mad; dangerously insane.  What was worse his dad now knew they lived in Norwich, close to the station.
Why ever hadn’t he listened to his parents?  It would take him at least another four hours to get home again.  The shit would hit the fan as soon as he walked in the door.

“All right, son?”  The guard that Joss had spoken to earlier had a concerned look on his face.

“I’m ok.  I’m going now.” 

He had a sudden frightening thought that halted him in his tracks:

“Will Edwin Evans be released soon, do you know?”

The guard shrugged his shoulders:

“Patients are assessed regularly.  If they are deemed fit to be released then they are moved to a halfway house that offers them support and help to readjust and fit back into the community.  They are given a job of work to go to, and have to report to a probation officer once a week.  Mr Evans will be released if it is appropriate.”

He sounded as though he was reading from a textbook.  Joss stood up and made his way to the exit.  He wished the earth could swallow him whole.  He could have bitten out his tongue at the thought of giving away the family’s location.

He stepped through the half door and out onto the hospital driveway.  Cars sped past on the main road in front of him, their owners oblivious to his plight.  He crossed the road and waited for the bus back to East Croydon, the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Only a few days’ ago he’d had no worries other than being able to complete Loaf’s essay on time.

While he waited he checked the train ticket was still in his pocket, and counted out the remaining money; nine pounds and fifty eight pence. 
Just enough left to buy a sandwich, a bag of chips and a coke.

How could he replace all the money in the cash box?  As he sat on the bus he wracked his brain for an answer, but could find none.  The deed was done; the money was spent.   His phone vibrated several times in his pocket but he left it unanswered; there would be enough time to face up to his shortcomings later on.