A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (11 page)

“Roight! Here you are, me little boy-fawn, your Tawney girl has just what’s needed to grow you into a big horsie.”

“My word, Miss Gloryglide!”

“Not to worry, Persephone, I’ll take care of the halflet! Ha, ha!”

“Miss Gloryglide, conduct yourself as a lady, please!”

“Verily, Captain Bountyflanks, I do not think I am up to the challenge, of charging into battle.”

“Burbity! You don’t think I want to go dashing into battle do you? Get me to safety at once! I beg you!”

“Very well, get the elf and the human to Castle Everstone. Maintain a guard on the wizard and send them across the bridge. What of you, dwarf?”

“Ach, dwarves have a natural hatred for Oreorcs! I beg ye, me loovely Captain Bountyflanks, allow me to ride this gorgeous mare into battle with ye.”

“Your axe is of no use and a bow would be awkward in your hands.”

“Ach, but I’ve been gallumphing along this whole time with me trusty crossbow strung to mae back. I’ve a got a purse of three pound darts I wish to inflict on our greasy foes.”

“Ha, ha, welcome to the Equidonian cavalry, dwarf.”

“Assemble into your battle lines, my sisters: we ride into battle!”

“Aye, aye!”

“Charge!”

“Charge!”

“Ha, ha! Roight! Hold on tight, me little halflet laddie, you’re on a Tawney back ride, mate!”

“I say, behoove, that is, I should say, behave yourself, Miss Gloryglide! That halflet, I mean, that young man belongs to me!”

“Ha, ha! No worries, Persephone, I’ll clean him up before I return him, girlie! Ha, ha!”

Fee-fie, ~  fee-fay,

We ride to battle, hooray!

Face buried in fruity scented hair,

Not marching to battle is a pleasure rare.

Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie,  fee-fie,  fee-fay!

“Here is Captain Gallanticus leading Equidonia’s First Cavalry Lances! Let us meet up and ride in support, my sisters!”

“Aye, aye, Captain Bountyflanks!”

“Volleys,
loose!”

~Foompity-Foompity-Foomp-Foomp-Foomp!~

“Fire at will, sisters! Captain Gallanticus, withdraw your troopers! We will cover your egress!”

“Thank you, Misty!”

“The lancers are clear! Sisters of the first Equidonian Reserves, withdraw!”

“Aye, aye, Captain!”

“Make way for the next chargers! Where is our supply? Captain Gallanticus, regroup with us as your chargers replenish your spears.”

“Aye, aye, Captain Bountyflanks!”

“Captains! We have orders to fall back from this position! The enemy is making a determined press in the center of battle. The fiends mean to take the bridge!”

“We must abandon the flanks of battle and secure the center. If the Oreorcs take the bridge, we’ll be cut off and driven over the cliffs. Gallop with all your might, my brothers and sisters; the fate of our country is in the balance!”

“Oh, I say, look there, oh Captain, my Captain, the Oreorcs have achieved a breakthrough point in Equidonia’s defenses. I suggest that this is an excellent opportunity for the brave Captain Gallanticus to crash upon the exposed flanks of this foe with his dreaded lancers, eh hem?”

“He knows what he’s doing, Persephone. He is on the attack and we are in support. Come my sisters,
charge!”

“I say, our attacks are inflicting heavy losses on our seemingly infinite foe, eh hem?”

“Yes, but still we are driven back. This is unthinkable! Our fierce warriors are determined that this shall not happen!”

“Oh my Goodness, these Equidonians don’t play! They are fighting these terrible Oreorcs with all the ferocity of a rabid honey-badger!”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, for if I am not mistaken, the Oreorcs have finally faltered. My word, I do think the assault has been stemmed. Good show, our forces are on the verge of taking the upper hand! Let us not falter at this crucial juncture. Misty, my dear, with our backs to the wall, or thousand foot fall from cliff, as it were, let us throw back this aggressor from your native, and my recently adopted home, eh hem?”

“Captains, brothers, and sisters, we ride in defense of Equidonia!”

“Captain Bountyflanks, look! There, to the East, there is a rapid approach of an enemy force.”

“Aye, a large force moves with uncanny speed to fall upon us. T’is a cavalry assault! There are thousands of them! They outnumber all our own cavalry! We are not prepared to meet this threat. Captains, call back your troops! We must fall back to Castle Everstone or be destroyed!”

“Aye, aye! All Equidonian forces are ordered to fall back through the gates of Castle Everstone!”

“Ach, this cannot be! This force that rides against us is a cavalry unit right enough, but no beast on the face of Middle o’ Earthhe will bear an Oreorc. This threat must be of a different nature.”

“Oh my Goodness, this force is even faster than these Equidonians. They are gonna catch us before we make it to the bridge, y’all!”

~Foomp! Foomp! Foomp!~

“Ach, we’ve been hit by a volley of arrows! Oreorcs nae be firing bows. I knows the foul enemy what rides upon us, so dread.”

“We ain’t going to make it, Miss Plumtartt! We’re all going to get shiskobobbed before we reach the bridge!”

“I say, Mr. Temperance is correct. Captain Bountyflanks, we must turn and face this threat or be slain by missile in the back.”

“You’re right, Persephone. Archers, affix your arrows! Lancers, prepare to repulse a cavalry charge!
Turn!
”

“What do I look upon, my sisters? These are not centaurs! These are beasts that bear riders! Are they a mutation of stag?”

“I say, Tawney, these creatures are much like your own centaur body, but without the protruding humanoid torso, eh hem? No, these long snouted beasts are what Mr. Temperance and I denote as ‘horses’.”

“Not quite, Ma’am; there is the difference of all these centaurs being a pleasant chestnut colour, and all these new horsies being of a consistently unpleasant black. That, and the fact that these new horsies have cruel, screwed horns poking straight out of their foreheads.”

“Volleys, loose!”

“Heck yeah! That there flock of arrows sure enough put ballast in the seat of them uni-antlered, pitch-etched, britches, didn’t it, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am?”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. I do not think that this recent party arrival, and their ebony, mono-horned horses is as heedless of their safety as their Oreorcan compatriots, eh hem?”

“Ach, do ye not ken the race of these riders? Their long, dark hair and pasty skin, along with their undisguised snobbery, proclaim the arrival of the dark and evil ones.”

“Halt there, foul invader! I, Captain Leonardo Gallanticus, command thee to leave our sacred homeland at once.”

“
Hahhhh
, ha, ha, ha! You, a dirty centaur, would command me, a High Elf Princess! Worm! You know not to whom you speak! I am the Ambassador of the Dark One. This world has lain waiting, and now, finally, our time has come! Behold, before you stands your new queen. From this day forward, this is no longer Equidonia; this land shall henceforth be known as ‘The Wastelands of Destructica.’ Kneel! Pledge fealty to me, Lady Invelopum Destructica, and perhaps I will slay you quickly, instead of in long, agonizing torture.”

“Never! Leave, dark elf, whilst thee still lives.”

“Why should I, when I have an army such as this?”

“Cross our domain at your peril, evil woman elf.”

“Me, in peril? I think not. No, why should I imperil myself, when I can send the bloodthirsty hordes of my Oreorcan army to chop thee down into mincemeat? Yes, quite. My adoring troops,
attack!
”

“Hrrraaarrrrrrr!!!”

“Equidonia forever!
Charge!
”

“Captains, we can’t hold them!”

“Equidonians, stand shoulder to shoulder. We will back our way to the bridge as we fight. Interlock shields! Protrude spears! Archers, fire through any space you,
unhh!
”

“Captain Bountyflanks! Captain Bountyflanks has been struck! She has fallen! Her human companion has fallen as well!”

“Miss Plumtartt! This is where I get off, Miss Tawney, Ma’am. Good luck!”

“Good luck to you, halflet.”

“Let me through! Let me through! I gotta get in there and save Miss Plumtartt! There she is, fighting huge Oreorcs, twice her size. She is pretty handy with sword and steel. I reckon this is where I abandon my bow and take up my pick. Gee, I sure hope the magic waerks, faer I have a schoomy birchet of maenstear ploondering to bae bandersnoodling, aye!”

“The halflet is a deamon! Behold, the little monster clears his foes in terrible sweeps of his wicked tool. Tawney, did you know such a creature was on your back?”

“Eek! No! The halflet is a horror to witness in battle! A berserker rage has taken the creature, and he slays the gremlin host as fast as they approach the wee abattoir maelstrom. I thought it was harmless, but now the little gerbil’s ferocity is dreadful to behold!”

“All my evil hosts, cease fighting! What are these creatures? You, the female; who are you and of what race art thou?”

“I say, I should like to say how nice it is to meet you, Lady Destructica; however, this would be a falsehood. Nevertheless, etiquette demands that one should identify oneself. My name is Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt. I am of the human race.”

“The human race? Then this insane companion of yours, he would be a ‘Son of a Man’?”

“Quite.”

“
Hahhhh
, ha, ha, ha! The fables are true! A ‘Son of a Man’ would appear at the time of the changing of Ages! Hunh. I thought he’d be bigger. Nevertheless, my instructions were to capture this creature, or, failing that, to slay the thing. Really, I thought this would all be much more difficult than this. This whole affair has been frightfully droll. Take these creatures into possession immediately.”

“Ach, goood looock with that, me booxom, boss Lady. Human born I may be, but t’is the heart of a dwarf king what beats in mae body now. I’ll nae bae yaer prisoner, mae dark and loovely elfie gel.”

“Why, you insolent dwarf, you will pay dearly for those importunate words! Bring me its head! Wait, that reminds me. Prophecy says that you return to the Great Dark One, the fabled gem of the North Ocean catastrophe. Do you have it?”

“Ach, what fabled gem? Do you mean that big, pink quartz we found in the minesies?”

“
Hahhh
, ha, ha, ha! You
do
have it!”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“Ach! I’m sorry, Ma’am!”

“Equidonians! Give us the ‘Son of a Man’, and the ‘
Shard of Essence’.
We will let you live! We will leave your lands and let you dwell in peace; just give us the boy and the gem.”

“We Equidonians respect truth and honour before all other considerations. We will be true to the halflet. He remains under our protection.”

“Then so be it, you fools! Slay the beasts! Bring me the halflet’s head and find the ‘
Shard of Essence’!”

“Mr. Temperance, you must fall back with our centaurian comrades. We must seek the shelter of this fortified position!”

“Aye, Ma’am!”

“Get Captain Bountyflanks back on her hooves! Shoulder to shoulder, we back our way to the castle gates! Link shields! As soon as we are clear, drop the portcullis and secure the gates!”

~KLUNGK!!!~

“As you wish, filthy centaur! You had your chance. Now, none shall be spared! We lay siege upon you! Our forces are irresistible. The Prophecies cannot be changed! You are only prolonging the inevitable! We, the Forces of Darkness lay siege against Equidonia. We shall not cease until the ‘
Shard of Essence’
is ours, and every last Equidonian centaur is dead, dead, dead!”

Assaults by the wave,

against steel and rock,

the dark host will yon castle break.

Defense by the brave,

their attackers do mock,

valiant defense do the Equidonians make.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Come, Persephone, the bridge’s defense is holding strong. The great castle that defends the Eagle’s Arch Bridge is the strongest fortress known in these times. The Gorgeous Gorge Grand Divide that the bridge spans is our strongest barricade. Her thousand span cliffs consternate our foes. It is a mile long drop to the Athanor River, that cut out this tremendous ravine. This is the closest and highest point of the canyon walls. It is almost a mile between the opposing cliffs. The bridge itself is a marvel of this world. It is one of the few remaining structures from the Age of Progeny. It is a true wonder, built when there was cooperation between the races. It was a combined force of centaurs, elves and dwarves that raised this soaring arch. Castle Everstone, that protects the Northern view of the Western ranges, is another colossal construction and defies any invader. The Forbearance Mountain Ranges to our West, from which  you emerged, protect us from that direction. The deep and wide river gorge extends far to our East before fording areas can be found. To go by that path will take much longer. Our enemy wishes to take this bridge and press on to Equidonia’s Capital, Trottingham, which is but a short distance from here.”

“I take it that these Oreorcs represent the return of an ancient enemy, eh hem? Perhaps one that has not been seen in, quite literally, Ages, yes?”

“This is so, Persephone. In ancient days, there was a good elf king that ruled over all the races. All of Middle o’ Earthhe loved Good King Rudy Wøndärblitz. Even the royalty of all the races pledged their loyalty to this good king. Why, even the High Nobility affirmed their fealty to this elf. Perhaps that is why the pain of betrayal struck so deep. King Wøndärblitz’s evil son murdered his family to seize the throne. All of Middle of Earthhe was thrown into terrible turmoil. This evil elf grew his own despicable armies: armies of Oreorcs. The Great Wars were fought, culminating in the Northern Ocean Catastrophe and the Age of Plagues. The few surviving elves were scattered and no Oreorc was ever seen again. That is, until now.”

“I say, did you have no warning that mischief was afoot, eh hem?”

“No, Persephone, Middle of Earthhe has been living in an Age of Isolation. Where once this world stood united in fellowship, after the ancient catastrophes, plagues, and wars, each race has lived in suspicion of one another. This has gone on for so long, that all the races have grown accustomed to this state of being. This fortified bridge was built in the ancient times, before the Age of Isolation, in which we live.”

“How will you know when this Age has ended and the next begins?”

“The prophet Enauck warns that when the King’s evil son, the Dark One, once again gains the
Shard of Essence,
then a second plague will descend, and last throughout his reign.
When this happens, it will signal the falling of the Age of Darkness.”

“I carry that gem, Captain Gallanticus. My companions and I found it while traveling through the mines of Kreepitoporium. You and I can both see how imperative it is that this magical artifact not fall into the enemy’s hands.”

“Equidonia will not fall to this dark Army. I refuse to allow our world to slide into another Age of Plagues. This castle is the strongest fortress upon Middle o’ Earthhe. We will not allow Lady Destructica and her armies to harm you, or gain the Shard, Persephone.”

“If the Oreorcan army should be able to break past Castle Everstone, could the bridge be destroyed, to hamper our foes’ progress?”

“It is too well constructed, Persephone. Our forefathers saw to it that this would be an indestructible monument. Even were it possible to destroy this bridge, it would certainly take too long. We are determined to make our stand here. We have no more defensible positions. Though as to your question about warnings, there were reports of strange birds and stranger insects having been spotted recently, but no one gave it a thought. In retrospect, I believe these creatures to have been spies, from the Dark One’s strongholds in the Northern lands of Morbidia, sent into Equidonia to gather intelligence on behalf of their dark elf masters, prior to invasion.”

“Did this King Rudy Wøndärblitz not have fellow elves of a good, rather than evil persuasion about, eh hem?”

“The evil prince saw his rivals banished. In the time of Great Wars, an elf army of the good was raised. This Force of Reclamation was led by the king’s son, the good twin, Prince Gneikllause, who had been unfairly exiled. It is thought that all of these good elves perished in those ancient battles of old. Good Prince Gneikllause was cast beneath the waters of the Northern Ocean.”

“I note that you centaurs are a warrior culture, Captain Gallanticus. Do you often conduct warfare on such a scale as I am witnessing, eh hem?”

“No, Persephone, we do not. True, we do pride ourselves as strong warriors, but we have been at peace with our neighbors for as long as anyone can remember.”

“One hopes the valiant Captain, Misty Bountyflanks, is recovering from her wounds, eh hem?”

“Yes, Persephone. Captain Bountyflanks is an extraordinary woman. She is determined to heal quickly and return to the fight.”

“I say, I do understand your suspicion of our friend, Elf Legolamb the wizard, but I really do wish you would relent with your insistence on keeping him imprisoned.”

“I understand that he is your friend, but with elf enemies at the gates, he will most certainly remain locked in our most secure dungeons.”

“Of course, Captain, under the circumstances, that is a prudent course. I say, it really is marvelous of you to escort me about that we may make inspection of our rigorous defenses. You have achieved a rare level of chivalry when you allowed an appropriate saddle to be fashioned that I may ride on your strong back, side saddle, eh hem?”

“My pleasure, Persephone.”

“I say, Captain Gallanticus, would you mind very much bearing me back to the city of Trottingsham? I wish to see what progress Mr. Temperance is making on his project. Dwarf Strongenfight and Mr. Morganstern were quite anxious to see the contraption built and lent their enthusiastic support to its construction.”

“Of course, Persephone, I can easily carry you there in a short time. Hang on, my dear, here we...”

“Hail, Captain Gallanticus; stop! Come to the fortress wall; the enemy is attempting to place new siege engines!”

“I apologize, Persephone; duty calls.”

“Nonsense, I wish to view these weapons that our enemies throw against us.”

“Very well, Persephone, hold on; to the ramparts we go!”

“I say, up and up, these many alternating ramps we climb. One is forced to cling to your brawny torso as we gallop ever higher through this incredible fortress. Ah, here we are, a hundred feet in the air, overlooking the masses of our uninvited guests. Lady Destuctica and her mono-horn steed mounted companions observe the proceedings just outside of our arrows’ effective range. Your archers are skilled in burning our foes’ siege towers at a distance with arrows aflame, Captain. As these are destroyed, they are hauled from the field and replaced with new, yes? Lady Destructica has spotted us here on the wall and now directs her troops to bring up some new, fanciful engine of siegecraft for our perusal. Oh, I see, this latest arrival is a specialty construction designed to foil our flaming missile.”

“It is a wheeled, armoured tower that is steadily being pushed toward us. Our missiles and shot have no effect.”

“I say, this tower, though very large, does not appear to be built to surmount our wall. It is greater in length, than in height. No, I think they mean to crash the gates.”

“The Oreorcs have managed to push their tower to the gates. Our soldiers now pour oil atop to set it ablaze! Persephone, look out!”

~HUHH-
WHOOSH!!!
~

“I say, this flaming monument on our threshold delights our foes. The metal sheathing survives the infernal baptism and we learn this equipment’s true capability.”

~
KHUNGH-
HUH.~

“By my Braided Tail, t’is a battering ram!”

“Is it enough to break down our gates, Captain Gallanticus, eh hem?”

“No, I think not, Persephone. Though it is a great battering ram, and of a dimension unheard of, I do not think this thing to be a practical device. It is there, in the overgrown size of the thing, that our salvation lies, for the brutes have no way of utilizing such a massive tool to its fullest potential.”

“I see what you mean, Captain. Scores of Oreorcan soldiers, using ropes and working in unison, can barely make any appreciable movement from the ugly thing. Stand by to receive another blow!”

~
KHUNGH-
HUH.~

“Our archers deplete the Oreorcan soldiers facilitating the ram’s use, but their ranks swell again with fresh reserves.”

“Oh, dear, I say, but I see suitable replacements making their way to the front. These fellows are exceptional in their development. Yes, one thinks they may have broken the mold while casting these outrageous ogres, eh hem?”

“Aye, Persephone, these are battle trolls! The monsters stomp right through their brothers!”

“Yes, there is not much familial love between the standard Oreorcan brutes, and these six, titanic, thirty foot specimens, eh hem? I recently enjoyed the company of a troll, but he was nowhere close to being the same sort of fellow as these. These giants appear equal in measure as regards cranial deficiency in inverse proportion to their physical outgrowth. Their drooling visage bears no good will for any one, nor anything, eh hem?”

“Our defenses have no effect on the giant battle trolls! Even heavy spears cannot penetrate their thick, rocky hides! They have taken their positions on the battering ram! Stand by for impact!”

~
KHUNGH-
HUH.~

“Captain Gallanticus, help!”

“I have you, Persephone! These high battlements crumble under the terrible blow! All Equidonian soldiers, abandon the wall! Form up ranks on the bridge! Stand by to throw back our foes when those gates come down!”

“Aye, aye!”

~
KHUNGH-
HUH.~

“Shoulder to shoulder! Link and overlap your shields! Spears press ahead and archers find targets of opportunity in any seams.”

“Aye, aye!”

~
KHUNGH-BAM!~

“The gates are down; Oreorcs great and small pour through the aperture!”

“Volleys, loose!”

“Be strong, my Equidonian brothers, for this is our finest moment! Repel this horrid invader!”

“Aye, aye!”

“
Hahhh
, ha, ha, ha! Fools! My precious army has wrecked your defenses! I have won and all these lands belong to me, Lady Destructica! Let this brave new Age begin! Kill these lowly centaurs! Let none survive!
Hahhh
, ha, ha, ha!”

“Equidonians! We must hold this bridge!”

“Hail, Captain Gallanticus, a giant battle troll is forcing its  way through the gate!”

“Leo, darling, fall back, you cannot resist these ogreish trolls!”

“Run for your life, Persephone, I cannot carry you away. My place is here, on the bridge, in defense of my country.”

“
Hahhh
, ha, ha, ha! It’s the human female, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt! Speak, foul creature; where is the son of a man? Where is the
Shard of Essence
?”

“These things, ‘Lady’ Destructica, are for me to know, and for you to find out, eh hem?”

“Insolent wench! Off with her head!”

“Miss Plumtartt, look out, Ma’am!”

“Mr. Temperance, there you are. You are tardy in your arrival sir. The battle is already lost.”

“Gee, whiz, I’m awfully sorry, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I got here as fast as I could.”

“Well, one would have hoped that you would arrive with battle pick in hand; alas, no, it is a ridiculous contrarian contraption that you are armed with, eh hem?”

“It ain’t ridiculous, Ma’am, it’s revolting!”

“One sees. You are attempting a pun with the word ‘revolting’, as in the high voltage steam driven generator you and your companions deliver, eh hem?”

“Burbity, no he means, revolting as in disgraceful and disgusting. Harumph.”

“Ach, we’re over-run with monster Oreorcs, Icksy! Blow, laddie, blow! Let ye’re Trumpet o’ Treble-lation sing its Harmonics of Horror on our ugly audience. No, tribulation. No, I likes treble-lation, better, aye.”

“I say, do you mean you have devised a high-powered electricity based sonic disruptor device and it works by way of this tube intense trombone?”

“I prefer ‘Super Sub-Sonic Saxomaphone’, Ma’am, but you can call it anything you want. Watch out for those vacuum tubes, Ma’am; they’re starting to get really hot!”