A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (15 page)

“You beast! How dare you! Release Trevour at once or I’ll... Oof!”

“Oh, you vicious old bird! You can’t throw the New Nobility around like that! I have trained in many exotic and deadly martial arts. You will succumb to a whip of the dragon’s tail...
Augh!
He’s got me!
Ow!
Help! Lord von Stratusbourne is killing me!”

“We’ll save you, cousin!
Oof!”

“LordStratusbourne, no, please don’t strike me with your barbed tail!
Ow-wow-ow!”

“Eek! This mad dragon is after me! He’s going to bite me and take me in his terrible maw! Augh! He is killing me! Save me, cousins!”

“Wanh! This terrible old monster is now after me with his grody claws! No! Please don’t hurt me! I’m too noble to die!”

“Gee whiz, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I sure wouldn’t want Mr. Lord von Stratusbourne mad at me! He is sure enough a big scaly bag of hurt! He is biting, tearing, throwing, and smashing those smarty-pants upstart dragons at will! They sure did underestimate what they were getting into!”

“You pathetic worms! How dare you think that you were my equal! I shall slay two of you, but I shall leave just enough life left in the third to tell the tale. Speak up; who wants to be the one that lives?”

“Spare
me,
Lord von Stratusbourne! Surely I am the only one worthy of singing your lofty praises!”

“No, Lord von Stratusbourne, let
me
live, I beg of you! Kill my cousins, for they are not quite as truly Noble as I.”

“No, don’t listen to them, Lord von Stratusbourne! Only I have truly learned my lesson. Slay these ignoble beasts and let
me
live. I will surely spend the rest of my life spreading the word of your greatness.”

“Bah! You all sicken me. None of you deserve to live. When you fail to return to your master, the message will be clear. Lord Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne has made his will known. Prepare to embrace your richly deserved fate.”

“Eek!”

“Eep!”

“Hunh-Wanh!”

Born of thunder,

White-light frightening,

Save this blunder,

The noose is tightening.

Crack the crown,

and blow asunder,

Striketh down,

by bolt of lightning!

~wah-kah-pissshh-
Z
Z
Z
ZAP!!!
~

“Fitzy!”

“What has happened? Mr. Legolamb cast a spell but it hit the wrong target! Our elf wizard has shot a lightning bolt from his staff and it hit Mr. Lord von Stratusbourne! He is twitching and pitching a fit! The dynamic seizure is throttling the poor old dragon! The electric connection now breaks and Lord Stratusbourne’s lifeless body is falling, ~  falling, ~ falling from the sky,
Oh!
Oh, no! Oh my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, Lord von Stratusbourne hit the ground like a wet sack of manure!”

“Leatherfitz, no! This can’t be! Oh, Mr. Temperance, he... he’s … he’s
dead!
Lord Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne has been killed!”

“Oh Miss Plumtartt, I can’t believe it! I can’t believe that Mr. Legolamb has betrayed...”

~bonk!~

“Oh, you beastly wizard! You have struck Mr...”

~punch!~

“That’s it, be silent, woman! There, now I have the
Shard!
Winged Nobility! Come and bear me away!”

“Ach, come back here, you treacherous elf! Ach, one of the young dragons has snatched the traitor away before I could chop him in half!”

“Ha, ha! The prophecies are true! There will be a new order! There shall be a new High Council, and I, Legolamb, shall once again sit upon it! I have the
Shard
and I will take it to the Dark One. Long live the New Order! Let the Age of Isolation come to an end. It is now the time of a new Age. The Age of Darkness has fallen! Only the great dragon Stratusbourne was any real threat and now he is dead, dead, dead!”

Tragedy struck,

misfortune bound,

no escape from written prophecy.

Out of allies and luck,

sorrow has found,

these targets of merciless destiny.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Hurry, Mr. Temperance, get me down this mountain. We must get to Lord Stratusbourne!”

“Yes Ma’am, but you be careful, we don’t need no more tragedies today. Now you hang in there, we are almost down. We have made the descent a lot faster than what you would normally deem as safe, Ma’am.”

“Safety be hanged, Mr. Temperance! I must see to Fitzy!”

“Ach, I’ll lower you from here, Icksy and Persephone. You two run ahead. I do not wish to look upon this heartbreaking scene.”

“Okay, we’re down. Come on, Miss Plumtartt, I think he landed over this way.”

“Hurry, Mr. Temperance!”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Oh!
Oh no.
Oh, I have found the poor beast.”

“Oh, golly, oh golly, oh, Miss Plumtartt, he’s gone, Ma’am. That is as lifeless a dragon as I have ever seen.”

“I shall put my head to his mighty chest. No, I hear no heartbeat. The mighty Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne, is no more.”

“Yes, Ma’am, he ain’t.”

“That was a low and cowardly act we witnessed, Mr. Temperance. I am incensed. I pledge to you now, sir, I intend to take the life of that traitorous elf in kind.”

“Yes, Ma’am. I am still shocked at his betrayal. … Shocked, kind of like what Legolamb done to Lord Stratusbourne. … He sure did shock him good, didn’t he? ... Hunh? That shock looked like it done stopped the mighty heart of the great dragon. … Hunh? I wonder if a similar charge wouldn’t jolt him back again?”

“Mr. Temperance, what are you contemplating? By Jove, if you have a scheme to revitalize Fitzy then get to it, sir!”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! I got me a pocket dynamo in my purse... I mean my haversack! If I wire this like so, and then attach the other end to this pick... Let’s see, if I pry Mr. von Stratusbourne’s scale up about here, and jab this dyno-probe here... Spin up that there generator, Ma’am!”

“Aye, aye, Doctor Temperance!”

“Give him a blast, Ma’am!”

~
per-
blitzkeh!
~

“Nuttin. Hit him again, Ma’am!”

~
per-
blitzkeh!
~

“Hey, I think a slight shudder ran through his form. Give it to him one more time, Miss Plumtartt!”

~
per-
blitzkeh!
~

“I think his chest moved! It did! He’s breathing again! Let’s dial back the voltage and just keep applying further doses in a moderate pulse.”

“I say, you’ve done it, Mr. Temperance! The chest of the great dragon now rises and falls in a gentle and steady rhythm.”

His brows are starting to undulate, Ma’am. The lids of his slitted eyes now try to flutter open.”

“Fitzy, Fitzy, darling, can you hear me?”

“Persephone... Is that you?”

“Yes, Fitzy, yes! Oh, my sweet, wonderful dragon, yes, I am here, my darling!”

“What happened?”

“Darling Fitzy, I regret to say that we brought a traitor into your home. The elf wizard, Legolamb, has betrayed us. In your moment of victory over the young nobles, Legolamb struck you with a bolt of lightning from his wizard’s staff.”

“Hmm, I see. Of course, his actions are quite understandable. Legolamb could see that the prophecies were unstoppable. He desired a place in the new order. The things that were written, so long ago, have always come to pass. Hah. T’’was I that was a fool.”

“Fitzy, no, my dear, don’t say that!”

“Those young buck dragons were right. I’m just an irrelevant relic.”

“Fitzy, don’t say that!”

“What folly took me that I thought I could stem the tide of destiny? Perhaps I fell under an enchantment, cast by a wondrous beauty. Yes, Persephone, you worked a magic on me and for a moment, I felt that I was young, and strong again. I now realize what a senile old fool I really am.”

“Oh Fitz, dear Fitzy, you must rest, and regather your strength.”

“Folly,
folly,
folly
...”

“Hey, here comes Mr. Strongenfight and Mr. Morganstern.”

“Ach, by me mother’s hob-nailed boots, the dragon lives!”

“Yes, how is it that I still live. By my spired crest, I should be dead! How is it that I still live?”

“I have an intermittent shock of electricity hitting your heart, Mr. von Stratusbourne, sir. This here little dynamo I am cranking on is generating electricity.”

“Ach, by electricity, he means a continuous, low level lightning bolt, Lord von Stratusbourne.”

“Remarkable. But you said it was a lightning bolt that killed me to begin with.”

“Yessir, but that was a big one, all at one time. It disrupted your body’s way of sending the signal to engage your pumper. I am regulating your pulse with teeny tiny little jolts of lightning. I am now going to ask Mr. Strongenfight to take over here, for me. I think I can rig a battery and clockwork device to do the job for us.”

“Burbity. You say that the rise to power of this ‘Dark One’ persona is afore-destined, eh? Blasted nuisance, that.”

“Yes, a son of a man finds the jewel that had been lost. The gem is returned to the Dark Prince and he once again rules over Middle o’ Earthhe in his Age of Darkness. We can only assume that the Dark One will soon have the
Shard of Essence
in his grasp. When that happens, it marks the beginning of the Age of Darkness. The ancient prophecy has come true. I was a fool to think that I could break the prophecy.”

“How long does this here Age of Darkness last?”

“It is written to end with a second cataclysm. This North Ocean catastrophe will occur after a battle to seize the Great Northern Plains of Morbidia.”

“In the meantime?”

“A  Second Age of Plague.”

“Oh, dear.”

“It is written that the Second Battle of the Great Northern Plains will be on a scale never before seen on Middle o’ Earthhe. At the end of gruesome battles involving millions of participants, and many races, does the second calamity occur, marking the end of the Dark One’s reign.”

“Might one make a suggestion, eh hem?”

“Of course, darling.”

“If breaking the course of Prophecy is not working for us, then let us act to hurry it along.”

“Persephone, my dear, what are you saying?”

“Why Fitzy, darling, isn’t it obvious? Let us hurry a swift end to this Dark One’s reign, sweet boy. I say, it is incumbent upon us to raise mighty armies that we may march against a terrible foe, fight this Second Great War, and bring this Age of Darkness to a speedy resolution, eh hem?”

Miserable and forgotten,

indifference and apathy grow,

old ideals fade from sight.

In a place that is rotten,

seeds of contempt do sow,

t’is a lonely and pitiful plight.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“I say, are you sure this contraption is safe, Mr. Temperance?”

“No, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I sure ain’t.”

“Never mind, let us be off. Wait, I would have one last word with Mr. Morganstern before we leave. Sir, I must impress upon you in the most severe terms, the sincerity of my words. Your very life depends on my returning to a healthy patient. I pray you take my meaning.”

“Harumph.”

“We’re casting off, y’all!”

“Splendid, Mr. Temperance! Your improvised Montgolfier balloon performs exceedingly well, sir.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, up, up, and away we go, in our beautiful, our beautiful balloon, Ma’am. I sure hope our hasty stitching and sewing holds this ragbag assortment of material together until we get to where we are going.”

“Time will inform us. Our third basket-mate is not happy, Mr. Temperance.”

“No, Ma’am, I don’t think flying in a ballooned basket agrees with Mr. Strongenfight.”

“Ach.”
~blelck.~
“Dwarves do not leave the ground!”

“Do our winds carry us in a favourable direction, Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Good, for I hope to kill two birds with one stone.”

“Miss Plumtartt!”

“A figure of speech, Mr. Temperance. I should say that I have two items of importance that I hope to accomplish during this excursion.”

“I thought we were supposed to be raising mighty armies, Ma’am.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. Our friend, Lord von Stratusbourne, is this world’s greatest champion. He, however, has been laid low. Fitzy shared with us, a place where a potent elixir to speed the healing of his wounds can be found. As I am sure that we will be facing those three disrespectful hooligan dragons again, I would like to see our Lord von Stratusbourne restored to full health so that he may exact his revenge.”

“Yes, Ma’am, that would be nice. That poor old feller. I sure have grown to like him, and I know you are particularly partial to him.”

“Yes, Mr. Temperance, it pains me to see Lord von Stratusbourne brought to such a pitiful state. He was so full of strength and vitality one moment, and so weakened the next. Your solenoid battery and spring-driven pulse-making device have saved Leatherfitz’s life, but we need to have the noble beast back to full fighting strength if we wish to throw back the armies of Darkness.”

“Yes, Ma’am. I done seen the landmarks I was told to watch out for, them being a mountain peak like a dwarven pick, a lake shaped liked a Valentine heart, and a horrible stench to assure us we are getting close. We were told to find a lush and marshy area. Unlike the swamp we went through earlier, which stank of death, this one is supposed to be teeming with exotic fauna.”

“I spy the land we seek. Bring our craft ashore, Mr. Temperance.”

“Um, what was that other birdie you were talking about killing, Ma’am?”

“I beg your pardon? Oh, yes, the analogy. No, you see, Fitzy spoke of there once being an elderly dragon making her home here. He had not seen the beast in Ages and did not know if she still lived. As we are pressed to raise what troops we may, I propose that we seek this monster and attempt to recruit her for our side.”

“Another dragon, hunh? Okay, Miss Plumtartt, if you say so. Well, we are setting back on the ground now, in a stretch of land between the lush marsh and a rocky mountain. I sure hope we can get up off the ground again.”

“We will cross that bridge when we arrive, sir. Now then, the first order of business is to find this elusive elixir of dragon rejuvenation.”

“Yes, Ma’a...”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Yikes! Look out y’all, it’s a giant dragon! It’s in that mammoth cave in the mountain! That dragon is as big as Lord von Stratusbourne himself!’

“Yes, Mr. Temperance, and the creature has come pounding out of its enormous cavern attempting to smash all in its path! The dragon is headed this way! Hurry, Anguson, we must abandon our balloon and flee for our lives!”

“What manner of beast are you? It matters not! I will destroy you!”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

~PLOOM-
PUH!!!~

“Our balloon! That dragon done squashed our balloon, y’all!”

“Ha, ha! You were an easy opponent, for one your size. No, this is a flimsy, ethereal mock creature. Wait, what is that smell? You are not alone! I smell more! I smell a dwarf! I smell something unidentifiable. Resistance is futile! I shall devour you!”

“I don’t think she can see us, y’all.”

“I heard that! Who said it? I will find you by sense of hearing. Yes, I can hear you breathing. I can hear your panicked heartbeats.
I shall locate you by my keen sense of smell. You only prolong the inevitable by hiding. You are doomed to be on my menu.”

“I say, my name is Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt. I am an envoy of His Grace, the Lord Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne. Tell me, dear Winged Noble, do you happen to be Lady Josephine Longbellye?”

“Yes! Yes, I am! Tell me of Lord von Stratusbourne! Does he still live? What does he say? Did he ask for me, personally?”

“Yoo, hoo, I am over here, my dear. Yes, m’Lady, he did in fact, drop your name. I regret to inform you that Lord von Stratusbourne has been mortally wounded and lies at death’s door. He bade that we seek you out in search of a rejuvenating elixir.”

“Yes, I possess such a miracle cure, but tell me, what could have brought down the mighty Lord von Stratusbourne?”

“It was a combination of a three on one dragon battle and a deceitful wizard.”

“Bah! I never did care for wizards.
Tell me, was it an elf?”

“Yes, m’Lady.”

“Figures. Never cared for elves much, either. Give me dwarves, any time.”

“Aye!”

“They’re delicious.”

“Ach!”

“Just kidding. For now.”

“Will you give us the elixir?”

“Yes.”

“I say, thank you, Lady Longbellye, tell me, might we not persuade you to join our noble cause, eh hem?”

“Oh, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt, would that I could. Unless you are totally blind, you should be able to see that I am almost totally blind. I wish that I could help you. I would very much like to fly into battle at Leatherfitz’s side again, but those times are far behind me.”

“Does the elixir not work to heal your sight, m’Lady?”

“Alas, no. I will prepare the elixir for you to administer to Leatherfitz, but then you must leave without me. I am of no use to anyone anymore.”
~gasp! sob.~

“I say, I do not agree, Madam. You, m’Lady, are a magnificent creature.”

“Once upon a time, I did cause some lengthy necks to swivel when I flew past. I could always sense when the boys were watching my tail. That, though, was of an Age long past. Here is your elixir. Please take it and go. You have awakened painful memories for me, and I wish now to be in peace.
”

“Ach, we are going nowhere in our balloon. It has been burst and flattened as thin as a shadow. We are stuck.”

“I’m reckoning the way this gal keeps bulging out them receptors, and then squinting real hard again after makes me think there’s still a little life left in them slitted peepers. Them lanterns just need to be refilled, hunh? Tell me y’all ain’t been turning over the same poop.”

“Someone translate for me. What is this creature trying to communicate?”

“My associate, Mr. Temperance, attempts to ascertain the extent of your vision problems.”

“Beyond the end of my snout is a gray wash.”

“Hunh, I wonder if I couldn’t grind out a pair of lenses to help out Miss Lady Longbellye.”

“But Mr. Temperance, she has no ears, that is, no ears of a conventional sense from which to perch her frames.”

“That’s okay, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I’ll make her a pair of goggles! If we can help Lady Longbellye to see again, maybe she’ll give us a lift back to Mr. Lord von Stratusbourne.”

“Is this creature suggesting that he can craft devices that will allow me to see?
In return, you wish me to grant thee a journey to save the magnificent, Lord Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne? By the Sun of Middle o’ Earthhe, this is a bargain to me! Do it, my children. Hurry, hurry! Do not delay!”