A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (19 page)

Quick of wit,

sharp of eye,

woodland magic these folk delves.

Pretty faces lit,

mischievous thoughts turned sly,

deadly beauty are the forest elves.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Behave yourself, Brimstone! One does not appreciate being in the company of a buffoon.”

“Ha, ha, sorry Fitzy, old boy, I am just relishing in the fresh freedom of flight! I cannot help but revel in this glorious new freedom that has been denied me, lo, these long Ages.”

“Don’t call me Fitzy! Only Persephone may call me that!”

“Ha, ha! As you wish, m’Lord!”

“Would you please refrain from those constant barrel rolls! We all know you can do it with ease; we were all through with being impressed by your juvenile antics long ago.”

“Ha, ha! Sorry Leatherfitz, my curmudgeonly compatriot...”

“I am not curmudgeonly!”

“Ha, ha! Nevertheless, old boy, I cannot resist! Tally ho!”

“Do not try my patience, Brimstone, for you no longer have Lady Josephine to protect you. The only thing that keeps me from wringing your scaly neck is my royal self-restraint!”

“I beg your pardon, m’Lord. One shall desist after just a few more joyful aerial maneuvers.”

“Reggie, you playful scamp, you, I had no idea you were capable of such artful aerial grace, my scarlet dove.”

“Don’t encourage him, Persephone; he is going to fling that dreadful little creature from between his spinal crests.”

“B-b-b-b-burrrrrb-b-b-b-bity! Blast it, Temperance, couldn’t you secure me to this red rapscallion’s back any more securely? I feel as if I am being flung right out of my straps!”

“Yessir, Mr. Morganstern, sir. I’m sorry, I didn’t have no ideer that there dragon would be stress testing you in such an extreme performance. That’s a good spot you got, between the crests, just forward of the Baron’s wings. Just as soon as we touch down next, I’ll see to rigging you a few more straps and harnesses to ensure your safety. We wouldn’t want you and your dynamo generator to go flying off into the wild blue yonder on account of Mr. Baron Brimstone’s aerial stylings.”

“Speaking of landing, let us set down here. This is as close to elf country as I choose to get.”

“Fitzy, dear, what sort of weapons do these elves possess that could threaten such a titan as you, darling?”

“Persephone, you have already seen me stricken by elven magic once. That was by an elf wizard. Such creatures are rare, but elves are formidable warriors. They manage to be deucedly clever in battle. To this, too, you have been witness. Their archers are uncanny in their accuracy. The devils manage to get their nasty little arrows between the scales.”

“Oh, yes! I hate elvish arrows! They are painful and a blasted nuisance to remove. Yes, let’s not get too close. Let us set the couple down here.”

“Gee, it’s good to be back on the ground again. Here you are, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Please allow me to hold your hand as you step from Mr. Lord Stratusbourne’s gnarly claw.”

“Thank you, Mr. Temperance. Please see to Mr. Morganstern’s needs, sir.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Now, then, Fitzy, dear, will you and the Baron wait for us here, eh hem?”

“No, Persephone, I want to reconnoiter the ‘Mouth of the Ogre’ pass. If the Dark One moves to seal that boundary, I want to know about it.”

“Very well, Fitzy. We give you the dubious honour of caring for our Mr. Morganstern. I pray that he is adequate in his duties as electricity generator.”

“There you go, Mr. Morganstern; I got you strapped in nine ways to Sunday. I don’t think I could hardly get another strap or harness on you. You ain’t leaving that seat until I come let you out, you can rely on that, sir!”

“I have a need to relieve myself!”

“Oh! Okay, just let me...”

“Ashore, halflet. Lord von Stratusbourne and I are lifting off!”

“Oh well, sorry, Mr. Morganstern.”

“Blast it, Temperance, I’m too important to soil myself! For that matter, I’m too important to be a generator monkey! Why couldn’t this dragon have been fitted with a steam-powered dynamo to generate electricity? This fire breathing dragon is a living source of flame to boil his own water!”

“Hunh, I didn’t think of that. That’s a good idea, sir. Mr. Baron Brimstone could be completely self-sufficient. Oh well, it’s too late now, we’ll have to get him hooked up later. Bon voyagey, Mr. Morganstern, sir.”

“Blast you, Temperannnnnn
nnn
nnn
nnn
n
c
cc
cccceeee!”

“There they go, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I reckon it’s just you and me now.”

“I say, do you think you can control yourself without a chaperon, Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am! I’m a good boy!”

“Yes, pity,
~huh-sigh~
then we may as well see to this elf recruitment business, eh?”

“Yes, Ma’am. I’m sure the right juncture for canoodling will present itself.”

“Let us hope, Mr. Temperance, for I am an affectionate woman, sir.”

“Yes, Ma’am, I know that’s right!”

“Behave, young man, for we enter the shaded groves of ‘Sylvan Glade’.”

“Yes, Ma’am. These woods ain’t hardly foreboding at all, are they? Why, I almost feel as if I am walking around in a picture book.”

“Indeed, the birds and small woodland creatures do provide a cheery surrounding, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Mr. Temperance?”

“Miss Plumtartt?”

“Is one ever given to a sensation of being observed?”

“Um, usually not, but, um, at the moment, and the deeper into the woods we travel, I reckon I do have a creep-crawly feeling that somebody is watching us.”

“Now, now, let us not let our imaginations get carried away, Mr. Temperance.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“Mr. Temperance?”

“Miss Plumtartt?”

“Has one ever been subject to the ineffable knowledge that one is being laughed at, eh hem?”

“Uhh, I’m going to have to give you a big affirmation on that, Miss Plumtartt, as I am experiencing that sensation right now. Oh, golly, my dang old imagination is starting to get the best of me, Ma’am. Maybe we ought to go back and wait on our pals to return, you reckon?”

“We have been given a mission and you and I are pledged to see it through. Steady your nerves, sir, and let us pro
ceeeeed!”

“Miss Plumtartt! Oh my Goodness! You have been caught in a snare!”

“Oh! Oh, my word, help, Mr. Temperance, help me!”

“Oh no! You are snared by the ankle and hang upside down, Ma’am!”

“I know that, Mr. Temperance, now get me down!”

“But Miss Plumtartt, your dress has fallen around your head! Your bloomers are showing! I can’t look!”

“Blast it, Temperance! I mean, for Heaven’s sake, Mr. Temperance, I need your assistance immediately!”

“I’m trying, Miss Plumtartt, but I can’t see!”

“I know why
I
cannot see, Mr. Temperance. It is because my skirts have fallen over my head. What is it that blinds your vision, sir?”

“My hand, Ma’am. I told you, I’m a good boy!”

“Great Naked Naiveté! Ichabod Temperance, get me down!”

“Eep! I’m trying Ma’am. I can’t find you. Say something else so I can get my bearings.”

…

“Miss Plumtartt? Miss Plumtartt, I need you to say something, so I can find where you are hanging upside down with your dress up over your head and your unmentionables showing. Miss Plumtartt? I’m going to open my eyes. Oh my gosh, Miss Plumtartt, where did you go?”

“Miss
Plummmm
tartt!” Answer me, Ma’am, where did you go?”

“Hey, there’s Miss Plumtartt’s parasol! It is up that tree. I wonder how it got up there? I’ll set my pick down and climb up there to get it. Okay, good, she’s going to want this parasol when I find her. Hey, where did my pick go? I could have sworn I set it down right here when I climbed that tree. . . . Huh! Somebody stole it! Hey, there is a sneaky thief in these here woods! Gimme back my magic pick! I will be in big trouble if I lose
iiiiiiiiitttt!”

Life is so precious,

a rare gift to all,

from the greatest of great to the smallest of small.

How much more does it crush us,

to see beloved winged stall,

t’is an unspeakable tragedy when Nobility fall.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“There appear to be storm clouds ahead, m’Lord.”

“Yes, Brimstone, but something about the clouds does not look quite right.”

“What else could it...
~sniff~
Do you smell that? What a peculiar, yet familiar odour... Holy Repeating Ages, Leatherfitz, that’s volcano ash! The Plagues of Darkness have begun!”

“RR
R
R
ROAR!
I cannot let this be! Hurry, Brimstone, we must be sure the pass remains clear!”

“Righto, old bean! We must hold the Ogre’s Mouth open until our armies arrive. Oh, blast, we don’t have any armies. Oh well, we then, shall have to suffice, eh, old boy?”

“Quite so, Reginald. Look there! What do you see?”

“Ah, it appears to be a fast moving military unit, m’Lord. It’s a cavalry battalion, Lord von Stratusbourne. One presumes this to be an enemy detachment, deep upon the Southern Plains, Lord Stratusbourne. This omen does not bode well, sir.”

“What course do you propose, Brimstone? Should we bypass this detachment, and secure the pass, or do we engage these black-haired invaders?”

“Truth be told, Lord von Stratusbourne, I have never cared much for these Gothic Elves. I find their omnipresent black finger nail polish off-putting. Let us go and remove the mascara from their pale faces by cleansing fire!”

“Hah! I concur, Baron!
Charge!”

“Aly’onse!”

“A strafing run against ground troops! I never thought to experience the thrill again! A rapid beat of the wings to gather speed; level; a quick lift up, and we drop! Ha, ha! I have you! My line is drawn. Folding wings into a tight tuck, I don’t present much target, do I, you blasted High Elves? Ow. Ow. Ow. Those arrows hurt, but not as much as my talons will hurt you! Ha, ha, I spread my wings and stretch out my claws as I swoop through your formation! Enter the sanctity of these Southern Plains at your own peril, elf!”

“Blast it, Stratusbourne, you hothead, you have scattered their formation! Now I shall have to chase them down in small groups.”

“You’re calling me a hothead? You’re the one breathing fire, sir.”

“Touch’e.”

“Ha, ha, we have them on the run, Reggie!”

“Quite so, m’Lord. That’s it, you morbid cretins, run all the way back to your dark master, and tell him to come again another time.”

“Oh, he is coming, grand-fah-thah. It’s too bad that you won’t be here to see him, isn’t that right, Sebastian.”

“Quite right, Trevour. As Darkness envelopes us, our power surges, while that of our elderly counterparts wanes, yes, Geoffrey?”

“Yes, Sebastian, old boy. Here, I had thought all the sport had been spent already from our timid foes. What a joy it is to find these two tired old carcasses for a spot of play.”

“Brimstone, break off from the elves! Gain altitude; we are under dragon assault!”

“So one sees, m’Lord. I do not care for the tone of these children. I should very much like to instruct them in proper manners, Lord von Stratusbourne.”

“The feeling is mutual. I say that if these fellows will not respect their elders,
they will damned well respect their betters!
Charge!”

“Incredible! It’s Lord von Stratusbourne! We thought you were dead! Ho, ho! We will soon remedy that. We owe you for your mistreatment, you relic. Our strength is rising, and you grow feeble.”

“This feeble dragon is about to tear your wings off, sonny.”

“That’s bold talk for a half-dead dragon with a clockwork ticker.”

“I’m more than enough dragon for you, my black beauty. Come and see how we used to... Unh! You treacherous leech. Get off me!”

“Ho, ho! Well, done, Geoffrey! Maintain your rear mount neck hold; I am coming to your aid! Take that! Take that and that! Hah, ha! My barbed tail does nothing for your features, m’Lord.”

“I said, get
off!”

“Unh! Geoffrey! What is wrong with you? You allowed that beast to fling you into me..
Ah!
He attacks!”

“Oh, really, come now, Geoffrey and Sebastian, if I can manage this dragon by myself, certainly the two of you can handle that one big fellow. Ha, ha, you awful old lizard. What is up with that tacky, red exterior? Do you think it makes you appear sporty. Perhaps you are having some sort of age-crisis, and strive for a youthful panache? Ho, ho, you silly old bird, do you attempt to fool us into thinking you are of the fire-breathing legends of old? Ho, ho, when I gobble you up, if I get heartburn, then I will understand why.”

“Then come gobble me up then. What’s the matter, can’t quite catch me, eh?”

“You cannot out-fly me! I am nipping at your tail! Hunh? Where did he go?Aiiee! He’s right behind me! How did you do that? You did some sort of flippy maneuver and now you are on my tail!”

“’Nipping’ did you say?”
~nip, nip, nip!~

“Owww, ow, ow, ow! Stop it! That hurts!”

“Did you say ‘tacky’?”

“Ow! I’m sorry! Your bright red scales are very attractive!”

“Did I hear the terms ‘relic’, and ‘legend’?”

“’Legend is a good term!”

“Not the way you used it. Let’s see, how does it go again... Oh yes,
‘Fire in the hole!”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“EEEEK!
I am being burned alive! It’s a real, live, fire-breathing dragon and he’s after me! Help!”

“We have our hands full, Trevour! Augh! This terrible dinosaur tears at Geoffrey with his claws while he alternates biting and pummeling me with his tail!”

“Brimstone! Quit playing around. Finish off that dragon and then help me dispatch these two delinquents.”

“Yes, m’Lord... Look out! Incoming dragon assault!”

“What? Oof!”

“Lord von Stratusbourne! How unsporting of you chaps. A second phalanx of three additional dragons now makes for interesting odds. So, you boys want to play rough, eh?
So be it!”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“Eek! A fire-breathing dragon! No fair!”

“I’ve got him! Hey, he slipped away. That red dragon is as slippery as a greased eel.”

“This great green fellow is a monster! Help!”

“I have him from behind!”

“I have him from the fore!”

“I have him by the tail! We’ll pull him to the ground!”

“You blasted parasitic wurms! Get off me! I can’t bear my weight and all of yours, too. We’re going down!”

“Leatherfitz!”

“Oof!

“Urph!”

“Oh!”

“Owch!

“Don’t let go! All three of us must lay all of our weight on his wings and tail. We have him pinned down!”

“Where is that battalion of elves? Lady Destructica! There she is! She and her cavalry are racing this way!”

“Lady Destructica, slay this dragon whilst we have him restrained!”

“Hah,
ha, ha, ha! Yes! Never did I think I would have an opportunity to slay a great dragon with my own hands! Yes, Count Scalybrow, we attack! Archers, loose your volleys!
Hah,
ha, ha, ha! Winged Nobility, indeed, why, that pathetic old dragon is riddled with our black arrows! Lancers, launch your spears!
Hah,
ha, ha, ha! Die, you stupid old dragon! You should have passed Ages ago!”

“Lord von Stratusbourne!
I’ll save...
Woah!
Blast it, I still have my claws full with these three remaining dragons. Get away! Leave off of Lord von Stratusbourne!”

“I am finished, Brimstone. Save yourself.”

“Lord Stratusbourne, no!”