A Kestrel Rising (26 page)

Ilona caught James and tickled him. He was warm and chubby and sweet natured. He giggled, gurgled and waved his plump, dimpled fists in the air.

“He loves his Aunty Ilke.”

She picked him up and kissed his flushed face. “And his Aunty Ilke loves him.”

“Gah!” James declared, pointing at the tree.

“All right, you can look, but you can’t touch.” Ilona carried him across the room and held him while he gazed, entranced by the color and the shine of the ornaments, his blue eyes huge. She spied her sister creeping across the sitting room with her camera. Since Ilona had arrived home, Aislinn or their father had been busy with their new toy. She ignored the click of the shutter, kissed James’ hair and gazed out of the window. Unlike the previous Christmas Eve, there was no rain, just a dull, white sky and an icy wind that rattled through the garden. She had been home for two days and she knew that Francis was home, because Aislinn had told her. Ilona had heard nothing. Her mother had wondered aloud at breakfast that morning why Francis had not been around. Ilona told her that he was probably catching up on much needed sleep and avoided her mother’s raised eyebrow in response. As she held her nephew, she tried to fight the curdled, twisting feeling inside, willing herself not to get her coat on and march around to the Reardon’s house.

“Guh!” James tugged at her hair.

“What, baby boy?” She took him back to the other side of the room and set him down with his sister, who was still fascinated by the doll.

“How are you feeling?” Aislinn asked.

“I’m all churned up inside. If it wasn’t for these two, I don’t know what I’d do. It’s only pride that keeps me from going to him. I have to remind myself how much he’s hurt me.”

“Do you think he’ll turn up?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” Quick, stupid tears filled her eyes. “I hate this, Ash. I hate the not knowing, the waiting and the wondering. It was almost easier when he was in France because it was nothing to do with me.”

Aislinn touched her arm. “
This
has nothing to do with you. This is all him being an idiot. You’ve tried and you mustn’t give in. If he turns up tonight, just carry on as if nothing was wrong. It’ll drive him mad. I know it will be really hard, but I’ll do my best to help.”

“I know.” Ilona wiped her eyes. “I just hope Charlie doesn’t thump him.”

Aislinn giggled. “Bless him. I told you Charlie would be very upset on your behalf. He doesn’t understand it either. He thinks Francis is mad. He’s been up in the air flying fast planes for too long.”

Noticing that their guardians’ attention was diverted, the twins both decided to make a break for the tree.

“They’re little monkeys!” Ilona ran off in pursuit once more. James, giggling and drooling, tottered toward the object of his desire with his sister following close behind.

“I’ve gotcha.” She laughed. “You little imp, come to your aunty.”

“Ilke.” Charlie, a disapproving note to his voice, stood in the doorway. “Francis is here to see you. Do you want me to tell him to leave?”

Ilona managed a smile and realized that she was trembling. “No, that’s all right, Charlie. I’ll see him, but thanks for the offer.” She kissed James on the forehead and handed him to his father. “Where is he?”

“I told him to wait in the small sitting room.”

She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “All right, thanks. Wish me luck.”

“Just shout if you need us.” Aislinn kissed her cheek. “And don’t fall apart.”

“I won’t…or I’ll try not to.” She thrust her hands into the pockets of her trousers and walked slowly along the hall. She paused at the door and took another deep breath.

Francis sat on the settee staring at the fire. He rose when she entered and tried to kiss her cheek. She twisted away and sat on the window seat.

“Francis.”

“Ilke.” He sank back onto the settee.

Ilona waited, clasping her hands on her lap. She watched his face and saw the thoughts working their way across it.

“I don’t know where to start,” he said.

“The beginning is usually a good place.”

“I’ve been a jackass.”

“Yes.” She found it hard to be so brusque with him. She stared at her hands, knowing that if she looked at him, she would weaken.

“I should have never said what I did or even thought like that. I could see how much I hurt you, yet I did it anyway.”

“Yes, you did.”

“It must have taken a lot for you to go back to Catterick, and I should have acknowledged that.”

“It did, and you should have.”

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“I was stupid and proud and foolish. I thought if I shut myself off from everyone, things wouldn’t hurt so badly. I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing because if people stopped caring about me, they wouldn’t get hurt.”

He looked at her. “It was the wrong thing to do because it’s been the worst year of my life and the longest. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been. I care for you, Ilke. I care for you more than I should, but I can’t make any promises because I don’t know if I’ll get out of this war alive. I can’t put you through that again and that’s why I behaved the way I did. It was the wrong thing to do, but, by the time I’d realized that, it was too late for me to go back and change things, because the damage had been done…has been done. I look at you now and I just see this cold anger and, God knows, I deserve it.”

Ilona clenched her jaw. She felt the tears return and stared up at the ceiling.

“Will you forgive me, Ilke? Can we start again? I miss you so much.”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know if I can. What you did was selfish, no matter how you try to dress it up as noble self-sacrifice.” Ilona took a deep breath. “How do you think I felt, Francis? Or Harry? Or your parents? It would have almost been better if you were dead. The fact that you deliberately shut yourself away hurt so much. It was hard enough grieving for Ian, but he was dead. There was no uncertainty. He was gone. Grieving for someone who is still alive is much harder. Grieving over someone who has deliberately walked away from you is a terrible thing to live with.” She curled her hands in her skirt. “It wasn’t a great year for me, either. I can’t tell you how much time I spent trying to work out what I’d done wrong and every time, I came up with nothing. Then, you have the nerve to turn up here, say you’re sorry and expect me to forgive and forget.” She stood up and stared out of the window, not wanting him to see her tears. “If it wasn’t for our families, I’d ask you to leave.”

“Ilke.” His voice was hoarse. “I’m so sorry.”

Ilona winced at the raw pain in his voice. Her jaw hurt and her throat was tight. She waited.

“Ilke, please…”

She wiped her eyes and stared, through her tears, at the leaden gray sky. She ached with longing as the scent of his aftershave stole across the room.

“God, Ilke, say something, please.”

Ilona wished that she didn’t love him. She wished that she didn’t want to turn around and fall into his arms.

“I miss you so much.” There was no trace of the old, confident Francis in that voice. “Please…”

She turned slowly. “I miss you too,” she whispered, her voice caught in her throat.

“Forgive me?”

She nodded, weakly. “Yes.”

He rose and was across the room in an instant.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for turning my back on you and for saying what I did, and for not saying what I should have said.” He took her face between his hands. “I don’t want us to be like that again. I need you too much, darling. You are my refuge and my sanity and I’ve been so damned miserable without you.”

Ilona did cry then, and she closed her eyes when he kissed her eyelids and held her. He trembled as he moved his hands through her hair and trailed along her damp cheeks. She touched his face.

“I don’t want to go through that again, either. You’re not the only one who was unhappy, Francis.”

He kissed her in sweet, gentle sips. She couldn’t stop crying. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, darling.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” She kissed him back, reveling in the scent and the nearness of him.

“Merry Christmas,” he whispered against her mouth. “I promise I won’t treat you like that again, darling. I won’t hurt you again.”

“See that you don’t.”

“Is Charlie ready to deck me? He didn’t look all that pleased to see me.”

“No, he’ll be fine. Just make a fuss of the twins.”

“Ah, yes, the twins. How is that working out?”

“They’re adorable.”

“Can’t we just stay in here? Right here. We have months and months to make up for.”

“No we can’t. It’s Christmas Eve. We have to be sociable. Are you going to stay for the rest of the day?”

“I may have to fall asleep on the settee tonight. I want to stay for as long as you’re here. Do you think your parents would mind? When do you go back?”

“On the twenty-ninth,” she told him. “My CO told me to have a long break because I haven’t taken any time all year. No, I don’t think they would mind at all.”

“Great minds think alike. Mine said the same thing. Can I really stay?”

“I don’t see why not. But won’t your grandparents mind?”

“Hell, no. They’ve been fretting ever since I got back because I hadn’t been to see you. Everyone has us paired up. We might as well be open and honest about it, although it’s probably best not to mention Grantchester.”

“Five lovely days.” She rested her cheek against his chest. “I don’t think I shall ever forget a moment.”

He caressed her waist. “Me neither. I hope we can do it again, soon.”

“So do I, but not here.”

He sighed. “You’re right, of course. Let me just kiss you one last time and then, I suppose I had better show my face and make a fuss of those twins.” He kissed her once more and she responded in kind until he groaned and let her go. “If I was back at Debden, I’d have to go and take a cold shower.”

“I can run you a cold bath.”

He stood and took her hand. “That’s enough talk, young lady. I’ll lose all self-control if I stay in this room with you any longer. I think we’d better be polite.”

They found Charlie, Aislinn and the twins in the sitting room, the twins finally having abandoned their attempts to reach the Christmas tree. They were on their backs on the floor waving their hands and feet in the air and gurgling. Francis took her hand as they walked into the room.

Charlie stood and shook Francis’ hand. “It’s good to see you again, mate.”

“It’s good to see you too, but Ilke insisted that I had to come and coo over the babies.”

Charlie grinned and stepped back. “Here they are. ‘Coo’ away.”

Francis knelt on the floor and made a fuss of the twins. He tickled them and made silly faces that soon had them giggling and wriggling with delight until Nancy yawned and, promptly, fell asleep. James followed shortly after.

Aislinn picked up James and Charlie, Nancy. “We’ll put them down for a nap. It will be nice to have a bit of peace and quiet for a little while. We’ll be back, so behave yourselves.”

“Of course we will.” He put his arm around Ilona’s shoulders. “For the moment.” He winked, earning a laugh from Charlie.

“They are cute.” He observed as they were left alone.

“Yes, they are and aren’t you a dark horse? I never had you down as an expert with babies.”

He grinned. “Now you know me. I’m good at just about everything I turn my hand to.”

“Conceited too.”

“It’s only because their aunt is so beautiful. Otherwise I wouldn’t bother.” He kissed her hair.

She rested her head against his chest, feeling as if she had come home. It was good to feel the steady thud of his heart beneath her cheek. “This is better,” she sighed. “Peace and quiet and you.”

“Isn’t it just? I could kick myself for the time I’ve thrown away this year. What a stupid, bloody foolish waste. I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

“I know you will.” She sat up as she heard the familiar rattle of the tea trolley, pushed by Mrs. Maplin.

“Hello, Miss Ilke. Your mum says I was to bring in the things for elevenses. She says she and your dad will be coming in a moment, just in case you were thinking of any more spooning.”

Francis roared with laughter. “Spooning? Is that what it’s called?”

“They have the measure of you.” Ilona giggled. “They have the measure of both of us.”

The cook parked the trolley beside the settees and left, chuckling to herself and shaking her head. As she departed, her parents arrived. Francis rose to kiss her mother on the cheek and shake her father’s hand.

“It’s good to see peace restored.” Her father sat on the other settee. “Welcome back, son.”

“Thank you, sir. It’s good to be back.” Francis wound his fingers through Ilona’s.

Her mother was all smiles when she poured the tea and handed the cups around. “Will you be staying, Francis? It’s fine if you want to stay here while Ilke’s home.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to, ma’am. It’s been a while and we have a lot to catch up on.”

She offered him a warm smile. “We’d be delighted if you could stay. I’m sure your grandparents wouldn’t mind.”

“Thank you. I’d really appreciate that.”

With that settled, the conversation turned to lighter matters and Charlie and Aislinn returned without the twins as the snow begin to drift, idly onto the lawn.

* * * *

By the time everyone had retired for the night, the snow was falling heavily and Ilona and Francis retreated to the dark warmth of the small sitting room. They curled up beside each other on the settee while the fire crackled and hissed and spat. “This was well worth the wait.” He sighed into her hair.

“Yes, it is.”

He put his hand under her chin and looked at her, his eyes brilliant in the firelight. “I don’t even want to sleep,” he told her, “because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’d rather sleep with you.”

“So would I.”

“But that’s not going to happen, is it?”

“My parents are tolerant, but not
that
tolerant.”