A Kiss in the Dark (10 page)

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. ‘I could never hate you, Kate. Never. Listen, I’d better be heading
home, but I don’t want you to worry about anything. I mean it. I think you should talk to your mum, explain how you feel. I’m sure she’ll understand.’ I had no idea what I was talking about, but the words sounded sensible enough.

‘You don’t know what it’s like. I’m really sorry I put you through this – no wonder you were so freaked out at the thought of meeting her! It’s better when it’s just the two of us, isn’t it? Everyone else can just go and …’

‘Jump off a bridge?’

‘Yes. The whole lot of them. And we’ll have the whole city to ourselves and do what we like, when we like, and sit on the front seat on the top of the bus every single time, and we’ll just have this perfect life.’ Kate was properly smiling now.

‘But who’s gonna drive the bus if everyone’s jumped off a bridge?’

Kate’s brow wrinkled in thought. ‘You! You can drive the bus and it won’t matter if you’re not very good at it because there won’t be anyone else on the road. I’ll sit upstairs and shout where I want to go. You can be my chauffeur.’

We talked for a few more minutes, Kate getting more and more into the idea of everyone else disappearing off the face of the planet. I was quite
taken by the idea too. If no one else existed, I’d be able to tell Kate my secret. She wouldn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought or said. It would just be the two us, together. Like we were meant to be.

From then on we agreed to keep our parents out of it. It was Kate’s idea, and she had no idea how relieved I was that I didn’t need to come up with reasons why she couldn’t come to my house. One less thing to worry about.

We met up at least a couple of evenings a week and usually spent either Saturday or Sunday together. As far as Mum was concerned I was still hanging out with Jonni and Fitz. Kate’s mum stayed off her back as long as Kate kept up with her piano practice, which meant that she was practising harder than ever to make sure she was allowed to see me. There were a couple of awkward moments, like when Kate didn’t understand why we could never meet each other straight after school. She said she wanted to spend every possible minute with me but I told her I had to train. The truth was I was skipping training sessions whenever they got
in the way of me seeing Kate, but I still needed the time to go home and get ready.

Things were good. We got into a little routine, had our favourite places to go. Kate thought it was brilliant that I was always happy to get the bus to see her rather than for her to come to me. Apparently I was the best boyfriend
ever
. She said so when we were walking along the promenade one Sunday afternoon. That was the first time either of us had put a name to what this was. Kate blushed fiercely as soon as the words were out. ‘I didn’t mean to say that … Can we just pretend it never happened? I wouldn’t want to presume that–’ I put my finger up to her lips to silence her. ‘How about we
don’t
pretend it never happened? How about I’m completely fine with you presuming?’ My finger on her lips stopped her from asking ‘Really?’ but I beat her to it and said ‘
Really
’. It was one of those perfect moments that seem so far removed from everyday life.

It was like a dream, those few weeks. A crazy, exciting, amazing dream. But it differed from most of my dreams in one fundamental way: I
knew
I’d have to wake up eventually. And as time went on, that ‘eventually’ was getting closer and closer to becoming ‘soon’. I wasn’t entirely stupid – I knew, deep down, that things couldn’t carry on like this. The guilt got worse every single day.

I felt like I was running out of time and I was desperate to make the most of it – to wring out every last drop of happiness before my world imploded. Kate wasn’t helping – with the physical side of things at least. She’d made it abundantly clear that she wanted to go further than kissing. A lot further. Lucky for me we did most of our kissing in public places.

It surprised me that she was so keen to take things further. I guess I’d thought she was all sweet and innocent. But I think the fact that she was sweet and innocent was part of the problem. Kate didn’t want to be like that anymore. She was desperate to break away from that image of herself in any way she could. And sex was another way for her to do that. At least that’s how I read the situation. Or maybe she just wanted to be closer to me.

I hadn’t thought about sex. Or rather, whenever my mind had strayed in that direction I’d given myself a mental slap and rerouted my thoughts. It wasn’t just the obvious fact that I couldn’t do anything with Kate without her knowing I was a girl. That was a part of it, of course. There was also her age to think about – she was six months younger than me and wouldn’t turn sixteen until 4th February. I knew loads of girls at school had been having sex for years, but
Kate wasn’t like them.
I
wasn’t like them.

I loved kissing Kate. As far as I was concerned there was nothing better in the whole world. All the guilt and worry slipped away and all there was to think about were her lips on mine.

I honestly didn’t want to do more than kissing, not back then. It didn’t seem
necessary
. Things were good as they were. All I wanted was the chance to do some kissing somewhere that wasn’t freezing cold or surrounded by strangers staring at us. A sofa would have done the job. A bed would be too dangerous.

It was obvious that Kate wanted more from our relationship. Sometimes we’d be kissing and she’d say something like ‘You can touch me … if you want to …’ I’d usually just keep kissing her or mutter something about how much I liked kissing her. She thought I was being gentlemanly. It was fine for a couple of weeks but it was happening more and more, and the kissing was getting hotter and heavier no matter how much I tried to keep things soft and gentle. We got kicked out of a cafe in Leith, much to Kate’s delight. The owner had said we were putting people off their food so we went down an alleyway and carried on kissing. Kate was pressing up against me in a way that she hadn’t done before, as if she wanted every part of our bodies to be touching. And I swear on my life that
this was the first time I thought about
it
. ‘It’ being a penis. Or lack thereof.

The issue hadn’t come up before, but now I suddenly realized two things: 1) Kate would expect me to have a penis, and 2) She would probably expect me to be a little bit … um … excited with her all pressed up against me. It was all too disgusting to think about but as soon as her hand brushed my thigh and started snaking its way upward, I didn’t have a choice. I was going to have to do something about it. I grabbed her hand and held it in mine, hoping she’d get the hint rather than giving it a go with the other hand. In between kisses, Kate whispered, ‘Don’t you want me to …?’

‘Not here.’ I kissed her harder so she wouldn’t think I was anything less than enthusiastic about the idea.

Kate pulled away, breathing heavily. ‘
Where
then? Mum’s hardly ever out of the house, and from the sound of things your parents are the same. It would be so much easier if our parents actually had lives … Maybe we should rent a hotel room or something?’

I laughed; I couldn’t help it. ‘A hotel room?! Even if we could afford it – and we can’t – I’m pretty sure you need to be 18 to book a room.’ I had no idea if this
was the case – I was just hoping Kate wouldn’t know any different.

Kate sighed and leaned against the wall. ‘I just … really want to be alone with you and it feels like the world is conspiring against us!’ Classic dramatic Kate.

I leaned next to her. ‘It’ll happen. There’s no rush though, is there?’

‘Don’t you want to be close to me?’

‘Of course I do! You
know
that. But I don’t want to pressure you into anything.’

‘
You
pressure
me
? That’s hardly the way things are going, is it?! If Mum knew what you were like, I swear she wouldn’t have a problem with us two being alone in the house. She reckons all boys are the same – “only after one thing … blah blah blah”. She has no idea about
anything
.’

I was going to have to get Kate’s mood back on track if I wanted to avoid the day being completely ruined. ‘You know what you need?’

Kate shook her head, still frowning.

‘Cake. A big slice of triple chocolate cake and a cup of tea.’

She was wearing her unimpressed face with glee. ‘Cake? You honestly think chocolate cake is going to make me feel better right now? That’s such a bloody cliché! Not all girls like chocolate cake, you know!’
I waited, trying my best not to smile. It took five – maybe six – seconds. ‘OK, OK! You
know
I like cake. Especially with tea. But
I’m
buying. So there.’ I kissed her nose. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m forgetting about this. We need to be alone. Soon.’

That ‘soon’ made it impossible for me to enjoy the rest of the afternoon. That and wondering what the hell I was going to do about my non-existent penis.

I tried to approach it like a logic problem, instead of thinking about what it
actually
meant. I tried out all the options while wearing a pair of Jamie’s pants. (I gave them a sniff first to make sure they were clean.) The two main things to consider were size and hardness. I didn’t want it to be noticeable, exactly, but I didn’t want Kate realizing it wasn’t there. It would be a bit weird to go from nothing at all to a massive bulge in my trousers. Hardness was a trickier problem to deal with. I didn’t want Kate thinking I had a permanent erection, but then again the times when she would be close enough to feel it would be the exact same times she might expect me to have one.

I stood in front of the mirror each time, trying to stand like Jamie. Sort of slouchy, legs apart. I stuck out my crotch and examined it from all angles.
It would have been funny if it wasn’t so disgusting. Nothing seemed to be working … I just looked
wrong
, no matter what I stuffed down there. Then I had a brainwave. I found what I needed in the kitchen, in the drawer under the kettle.

It seemed OK when I looked in the mirror this time, and more importantly it
felt
right. It looked like I was touching myself up in front of the mirror like some kind of pervert, but I had to make the necessary adjustments. I’ve never actually touched a penis in real life; the thought of it is enough to make me gag. I figured Kate wouldn’t have touched one either, so she’d have no point of reference.

It was hard enough but not
too
hard. Not exactly comfortable but I’d just have to get used to it. I’d have to hand-wash Jamie’s pants and dry them at the back of my wardrobe. And I’d have to be extra careful not to let Mum or Dad see me or I’d have a lot of explaining to do.

I changed back into my pants and buckled up my jeans, then I grabbed a few more pairs of Jamie’s pants before heading back to my room. My ‘penis’ was safely wrapped up in the bundle of pants.

The penis was made up of a tube of Mum’s favourite extra-strong mints, snugly wrapped up in two of Jamie’s white gym socks. I just had to hope
that Kate wouldn’t get close enough to sniff my minty-fresh crotch.

*

It didn’t take long for me to get used to stuffing a packet of mints down my pants – just like the bandages round my boobs. I wore it in my room when Mum and Dad were out, just to practise walking around and sitting. It made me walk differently, which was a good thing in terms of passing as a boy, but I didn’t want Kate to suddenly notice I was walking funny.

The penis got its first official outing one Saturday in early December. Kate wanted to do some Christmas shopping and go to the German Christmas market in Princes Street Gardens. I’d already done most of my shopping online – why battle through hordes of people when you can lie on your bed with your laptop? I hadn’t got Kate’s present though – I was drawing a serious blank where that was concerned.

Kate gave me major puppy-dog eyes when we walked past the ice rink, so I relented and bought two tickets. The skates they gave her were white; mine were black and a bit too big for me. No worries with the socks this time – I’d learned my lesson.

Kate had been ice-skating a couple of times before and while she wasn’t exactly pirouetting or whatever, she was a hell of a lot more graceful than
me. I was like a baby giraffe, all wobbly, legs going in different directions. I stayed close to the edge so I could hold on to the barrier. Kate held my other hand and tried not to laugh. She thought it was adorable that I was so rubbish, given that I’m not too shabby on a skateboard. She laughed hysterically when I protested that ice was a very different medium to pavement.

I tried to ignore the humiliation of little kids zooming past me at high speed. And I managed not to swear when I fell on my arse right in front of a gang of giggling girls. After fifteen minutes or so Kate took pity on me. ‘Come on, I think you’ve had enough for now. We should probably get you off the ice before you do some real damage.’

When we were changing back into our shoes, Kate said, ‘Thank you for that.’ Something in her tone made me look up.

‘Thanks for what? Making a total fool of myself in front of hundreds of people? You’re very welcome.’

She dismissed my joke with a shake of her head. ‘I’m serious. It means a lot that you did that even though you obviously didn’t want to.’

I shrugged. ‘It’s no big deal.’

‘It
is
though. You always go out of your way to do things that make me happy.’ Her eyes were shining
and I was worried she was going to burst into tears in front of all these people.

I shrugged again. ‘That’s kind of my job, isn’t it?’

‘Well you’re really very good at it. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you. I do know how lucky I am, you know.’ She leaned over and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. ‘You’re the best boyfriend in the entire history of the world.’

The humiliation and bruises had been worth it.

*

We wandered round the Christmas market, Kate babbling away about whether she should buy one of those creepy nutcracker dolls to give to someone for Christmas.