A Kiss in the Dark (11 page)

‘Maybe for someone you hate?’ I was very helpful when it came to shopping.

‘Haven’t you seen the ballet? With the mice and the soldier and Clara and oh it’s so beautiful!’ She started singing the music from The Nutcracker, which I sort of recognized. Then she started doing some ballet moves, right in the middle of the market with people everywhere. She really didn’t give a toss what anyone thought. Usually I’d be looking round to see who was watching and getting all embarrassed, but that day I just stood back and laughed. She looked so happy, all wrapped up in her winter
coat and woolly scarf, bobble hat bobbling as she danced.

Kate stopped dead right in front of a girl about the same age as us. She was wearing pink ear muffs and a puffy white jacket. She looked like a marshmallow, and not in a good way. A short, stocky boy with a popped collar was lurking behind her.

‘Astrid! Hi! This is … I didn’t see you there!’ Kate normally sounded happy and enthusiastic, but I could tell her reaction was forced – she was overdoing it by at least 20 per cent.

The girl raised one eyebrow and you could tell she thought she was the bee’s fucking knees. I disliked her already. ‘Clearly. If I’d heard you were doing a street show down here I’d have called Stella – she’d hate to miss this.’

Kate didn’t tell her to piss off, which was a bit disappointing. ‘So … what are you doing here? And this must be Justin! I’ve heard so much about you, it’s so great to finally meet you. Kate smiled warmly at the boy and he smiled back a bit blankly. It was obvious he hadn’t heard anything about
her
.

Astrid grabbed hold of Justin’s arm and pulled him close to her. ‘Justin and I have been Christmas shopping, and he
insists
on spoiling me when we should be looking for presents for his family. He just bought
me these ear muffs!’ Astrid turned this way and that so we could get the full effect of the ear muffs. ‘Aren’t they the cutest thing?’

Kate smiled. ‘The absolute cutest.’ If she was being sarcastic, she hid it well.

‘I know, right? And that’s not even my Christmas present. He’s buying me a watch!’

Then there was this silence in which Astrid looked at me pointedly. Kate turned to see what she was looking at and seemed almost surprised to see me standing next to her. ‘Oh … yes … this is Alex. Alex, this is Astrid and her boyfriend Justin.’

‘Hi.’ The tone I was going for was mild enthusiasm with a dash of nonchalance.

Justin reached over to shake my hand and I mentally prepared for bone-crunching, but his hand shake was surprisingly limp for a boy who was almost as wide as he was tall. ‘Alright, mate?’ he said. I had him pegged straightaway. English. Rugby player. Wanker.

Kate hadn’t been spending much time with Astrid recently, I knew that much. She’d told me that Astrid had a new boyfriend, and that they met at around the same time Kate and I did. I’m sure Kate had told me his name, but I had a tendency to tune out whenever Kate talked about her so-called friends. They sounded awful. I had no idea why Kate would spend any time
with them at all, let alone care about their love lives.

I told Astrid it was nice to meet her and she smirked. It was definitely a smirk rather than a smile. Then there was an awkward silence as the four of us played chicken over who was going to speak next. There was no way in hell it was going to be me. I didn’t know these people – it wasn’t my responsibility to keep up the small talk. In the end, Kate and Astrid relented at the same time.

Kate said, ‘Well, we’d better be getting …’ and Astrid said, ‘Why don’t you two join us for a cup of tea? Justin was just telling me about this place up on the Mound that does, like, totally amazing cakes.’

Justin nodded and said ‘yeah’ but it sounded much closer to ‘yah’. ‘Mum raves about the place. I’ve been meaning to take A there for ages.’ I was surprised he didn’t say ‘Mummy’ but that was probably just me being uncharitable. The fact that he called Astrid ‘A’ annoyed me too, but I couldn’t quite work out why. It was almost like he was too lazy to use her whole name. Or maybe he went out with a lot of girls whose name began with that letter and this way he avoided saying the wrong name by accident.

Kate looked at me to see what I wanted to do but my face was deliberately, unhelpfully blank. It was
her call. ‘Um …’ She was clearly hoping I’d step in, maybe with some carefully crafted lie that we’d love to but we had other plans and maybe next time. And I wanted to step in – I really did – but more than that I wanted Kate to stand up for herself in front of this girl.

Astrid took Kate by the arm. ‘Oh come on, it’ll be fun! Our first ever double date!’ Astrid didn’t wait for Kate to agree; she practically dragged her away from the market stalls, heading towards the steps to the top of the Mound. Kate turned around and mouthed ‘sorry’ when Justin wasn’t looking. I shrugged as if it was no big deal.

The truth is, I was scared.

Pretending to be a boy around Kate was one thing.

Pretending to be a boy around an
actual
boy was a whole different ball game. No pun intended.

The cafe was busy but Astrid insisted on waiting instead of finding somewhere quieter. Kate and I stood by the door with Astrid and Justin in front of us. Astrid kept kissing Justin and you could tell it made him uncomfortable. She was doing it purely for show, that much was obvious. Kate just smiled like she didn’t even notice, although her grip on my hand was firmer than normal. Thankfully she didn’t try to compete with Astrid by sticking her tongue down my throat or anything.

The girls ordered a pot of tea to share and Justin had a latte. I said I wasn’t thirsty, which was a lie. I just knew I’d need the loo if I drank anything; I couldn’t risk it. I always drank less than Kate whenever we were out. I don’t think she ever noticed.

Astrid and Kate were sitting next to each other, chatting away. Well Astrid was doing most of the
talking and Kate was doing a lot of nodding. I’d never seen her like this before – quiet, deferential almost. I didn’t like it.

‘So … are you watching the match later?’ Justin was sitting back in his chair, legs spread apart, taking up a lot of my space. I checked myself – I needed to remember to sit like a boy. I sat back and mimicked his position but then our knees touched and we both shrank back.

‘What match?’ I asked, before I realized that this was probably the sort of thing a boy would know.
Jamie
would know for sure. Then I noticed Justin’s rugby shirt. An
England
rugby shirt, all pristine white. My first impression had been dead-on. ‘Oh right, yeah … sorry mate, I was miles away there. Nah, I’m not really into team sports. More into skating … that kind of thing.’ That seemed like a safer option than trying to bullshit about rugby, a sport that seemed to be entirely based on big guys grappling with each other for no discernible reason.

Justin looked baffled but tried to hide it. Clearly all of his ‘mates’ were into guy-grappling too; I was
different
somehow. Which was fine, as long as he didn’t have any idea exactly how different I was.

I could see Astrid staring at me out of the corner of my eye. It made me more than a little uncomfortable.
I had no idea why Kate would be friends with someone like her. She couldn’t have been more different to Kate – exactly the sort of girl I went out of my way to avoid at school. I was trying to concentrate on what Justin was saying about rugby, but I could feel her eyes burning into me and I knew it was only a matter of time before she– ‘So, Alex … Kate tells me you go to Fettes? Justin’s at Stewart’s Melville. They’re, like, really close to each other, aren’t they?’

I should have known this would come back to bite me. Edinburgh may be a city but it’s a small one. Nice if you want to walk around without having to take a bus everywhere, not so great if you want to lie and keep secrets. ‘Oh, yeah. They are.’

Justin slapped me on the back, harder than was strictly necessary. Maybe he was trying to make up for the lame handshake. ‘Shame you’re not into rugby – I’ve flattened a lot of Fettes players over the past couple of years.’

‘That
is
a shame.’ I didn’t even have a drink to sip to cover my awkwardness.

‘Did you see the black eye Gavin Drysdale had last week? All my own work.’

Justin looked smug at the thought of having bruised a fellow human being, but I guess it was supposed to be acceptable because it happened playing sport.
Astrid rolled her eyes affectionately and called him an animal, which made him look even prouder. Kate didn’t look too impressed.

I had to tread carefully here. ‘Gavin? Yeah, I think I’ve seen him around.’ That seemed like a safe kind of non-answer.

Justin looked a bit puzzled. ‘He’s head boy, isn’t he?’

Shit. ‘Yeah, that’s right. I know who you mean now … I don’t really get involved in school politics. Not really my scene.’
Shit
.

There was silence at the table. Astrid was staring at me again; she knew something was up. You didn’t exactly have to be a genius to know something was up. I chanced a look over at Kate. She wasn’t glaring at me – if anything, she just looked curious.

Justin stepped in to smash the silence. ‘Ha! The way Gav tells it he’s some big man on campus …’

This was getting worse. And I was desperate for the loo all of a sudden. ‘He is, I guess. We don’t exactly move in the same circles though. Anyway, listen … I’d better be getting–’

‘Yes, we’ve got to go. We’re having dinner with Alex’s parents.’ Kate started wrapping her scarf around her neck. I put a fiver on the table to cover Kate’s share of the bill; I just wanted to get out of there as quickly
as possible. Kate didn’t argue about me paying – she wanted to escape as much as I did.

We said our goodbyes and were out of there in a couple of minutes. I glanced back before shutting the door behind us; Astrid was watching me. Kate and I walked down to the bottom of the Mound in silence; we weren’t holding hands. Darkness had fallen while we’d been in the cafe and Princes Street was looking all sparkly and Christmassy. It had started to rain.

I caved. ‘Why did you lie like that?’

Kate shrugged. ‘I didn’t like the way she was looking at you. She can be so judgemental sometimes. Her heart’s in the right place though … at least I think it is.’ I wasn’t so sure.

I stopped walking. ‘I …’

‘It’s OK, Alex. You don’t have to explain. And you don’t have to be ashamed about not being in with the so-called ‘cool’ crowd or the rugby players or whoever. I like you just the way you are.’

I could hardly believe it. She thought I was such a loser, such a social recluse, that I barely knew the head boy of my own school. Did she honestly believe that was possible? Did
I
believe that was possible? It was as if she thought I could do no wrong. As far as Kate was concerned, there was a viable explanation for every odd little thing that came up. It felt
nice, having her believe in me like that. It also felt terrible.

I hugged her and said thank you. I didn’t try to convince her that I wasn’t a loser. I said it had been nice to meet Astrid; Kate raised an eyebrow at that. She said that maybe double dates weren’t the best idea in the world, and that Justin wasn’t as tall as Astrid had made him out to be. She said she thought rugby was a stupid sport.

I walked her across Princes Street and thank God there was a bus just coming. She hopped on it and I legged it into M&S. I took my beanie off, ruffled my hair a bit and chanced my luck going into the ladies’ toilets.

I really needed to find a better solution to the toilet problem.

I felt unsettled for a few days; I had a weird feeling about Astrid. She may have given the impression that she was vapid as hell, but I couldn’t help thinking there was something sly about her. I definitely didn’t want to risk spending any more time with her.

The weekend after meeting up with Astrid and Justin, Kate and I had arranged to go to the Modern Art gallery. She thought we needed more culture in our lives or something. A text from Kate woke me up an hour before my alarm was due to go off. Two words, all caps:
IT’S SNOWING!!!!!

I looked out the window. It wasn’t just snowing – it was a blizzard. A pure white blanket covered the garden. The little bird box near my bedroom window had a thick layer on its roof and the blackbird perched on top did not look impressed.

I texted Kate:
IT’S EARLY!!!!!

Kate suggested shelving our plans and going for a walk in the snow instead. I jumped at the idea. It would give me a chance to do a bit of research so I could say some semi-intelligent things when we eventually went to the gallery rather than staring dumbly and pretending to understand the ‘art’.

It had stopped snowing by the time I bundled up in my warmest clothes and set off. There weren’t many people around and the snow made everything eerie and quiet. I loved it.

Kate was waiting for me at the bus stop, woolly hat pulled right down to her eyebrows. ‘Isn’t it beautiful?!’ She kissed me and her lips were warm and welcoming as ever.

‘
You’re
beautiful.’ It was a cheesy line, but Kate never minded cheesy.

‘Oh
you
!’ She slipped her arm through mine and we started walking up the hill. There were only a few sets of footprints in the snow ahead of us. I wished there were none, but you have to get up pretty early to beat the tourists in this town.

The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds by the time we reached the top of Calton Hill. The view was spectacular. We huddled together to take a photo of ourselves with the castle behind us. Kate insisted on taking the photo again and again until she was happy
with the result. It’s one of my favourite photos of us. Our faces are ruddy and our eyes are shining and we look
alive
. I never thought I looked like a boy in that picture though – there was something soft about me.

Kate decided she wanted to build a snowman so I started rolling a big snowball to make the body. Then she got bored of waiting and decided it should be a snowbaby, but I told her that was creepy so we made a snowpig instead. Half an hour later the snowpig was looking almost like a pig. Except it had no legs. And no tail. Kate named the pig Tallulah and insisted on taking a picture of me kneeling next to it. She made me do a double thumbs-up to make sure the pig knew how much I loved her. I shook my head. ‘You are completely insane … you do know that, don’t you?’