A Kiss of Color: The Complete 3 Book Collection (21 page)

“This is precisely why I didn’t want to go through this with you, Xavier.” Helena exhaled, shaking her head slowly. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well it’s too goddamn late for that!” He couldn’t help the way the words burst from him. He’d come to seek her out hoping that they could have a civilized conversation, and any chance of that was rapidly disappearing. “Did you think I would never find out, Helena?” She hadn’t wanted to
hurt
him? What part of her had assumed that hiding the fact that she was pregnant and then offing the product of their love wouldn’t hurt him?

“Xavier, please.” The young woman’s voice trembled as she searched his face desperately. “I can’t…we can’t do this right now. A child will destroy everything we’ve worked to build. Now…now just isn’t the right time.”

“And when
would
be the right time, Helena?” He replied, pain radiating from his chest as his clenched fists shook with repressed emotion. “How many more children would you get rid of before you were ready to talk with me about them?”

The young woman inhaled sharply at the bluntness of his statement. It was clear that his words had struck her deeply, but Xavier was too wrapped up in his own pain to care. He’d thought that when she’d agreed to purchase this house that they were moving in the right direction. That they could have more productive conversations about the family they might one day build. The
last
thing he’d expected was for her to lie to him – to make a decision like this without letting him have any say so whatsoever.

For a moment, Helena stared at him, her eyes filling with tears as her lower lip trembled with emotion. Then, all at once, her gaze hardened. “You don’t
understand
.” When she spoke, her words were filled with anguish. “You’ll
never
understand. It doesn’t matter for you. You’re already achieving your dream – living it. I still have
years
before I’ll be a doctor, Xavier, and I need that time to devote to my practice. I will
not
dedicate it to some…to some force of nature I can’t even control!”

Xavier was rendered utterly speechless.

In that moment, she seemed so much like his parents that the agony was unparalleled. She valued her own aspirations above those of her potential child’s – wouldn’t even consider that it would be a person, with thoughts and feelings, and not just some
thing
.

Something she couldn’t bend to her every whim.

“I think it is
painfully
clear,” he finally managed, “That there is room for nothing else in your life than those oh-so-important aspirations of yours.” His voice was soft, eyes dark. “And far be it from me to address how what I want would fit into your precious plans.”

The young woman’s eyes widened in shock at his words as she searched vainly for words. “Xavier…that’s not…I didn’t mean…I just…”

“You’re just
scared
.” Xavier spat, as his heart tore itself apart. “You’ve been scared of
everything
your entire life Helena, and just when you’re on the cusp of rising above your circumstances, you turn into the one person you always feared you would.” Janette’s face loomed between them, even if her name remained unspoken. “I’m sure your mother would be
extremely
fucking proud of you.”

A pained, strangled gasp escaped Helena as she gazed at him in utter desolation. For a moment, silence reigned in the gleaming, airy kitchen…and then, in a split second, the moment was broken. With a low, soft sob, Helena fled the room, rushing past him.

Numb, Xavier stood in the hallway, listening to her as she rushed towards the bedroom and rummaged through her things there. A full five minutes passed as he let the woman he loved be consumed by her fear and anguish.

He looked up just in time to see her curvaceous frame, dressed haphazardly in jeans and a t-shirt, breeze past him, a duffel bag clutched in her hand, her purse slung over an arm. Without a word, Helena walked through the front door and out into the bright California sun before the door shut behind her with an abrupt, terrifying finality.

Xavier sagged back against the kitchen wall, all his strength leaving him as his eyes slid closed. He replayed their conversation in his head over and over again, each time drawing more pain until he would have very gladly plunged a cleaver into the center of his forehead to rid himself of it.

Could he come to terms with the fact that perhaps Helena could never be the woman he wanted her to be? That she could never reconcile what she thought of her own family with the one he wanted? Could he find peace with the fact that she intended to abort the child that they had created together – the ultimate expression of their love?

He didn’t think he could.

And that hurt more than anything he’d ever imagined.

“Oh
Christ
. Xavier, oh
Jesus Christ
.” Brandy sat across from him on the sofa he and Helena had moved into the house a scant week ago. The dark-skinned girl’s scent still lingered on the leather, and it made Xavier want to drive the damned thing to the nearest landfill. “She’s pregnant. I should have
known
.”

“Not for long.” The programmer repeated Helena’s words, and they sounded even crueler from his own lips. He raised his gaze to meet his sister’s. “She’s going to get rid of the baby, Brandy. She was on the phone with the clinic this
morning
.”

The blonde sighed, reaching out to take her brother’s hand gently between hers. “Xavier, she’s scared. You know how Helena can be.”

“But that’s supposed to be an excuse to
hide
this from me? If I’m supposed to know her, why can’t she know me? She
knows
how much I want a child. How am I even supposed to know how long she’s been hiding this?” he swallowed thickly. “Or if there have been others?”

The thought was enough to make his heart stutter. Christ, he didn’t know how he would handle finding out there had been other children he’d never known about.

“OK, Xavier, let’s calm down. It’s obvious that both of you are…upset. We just need to give this some time. One or two days, for both of you to think.”

“In one or two days, the baby won’t even be an issue anymore.” Xavier replied hollowly, shaking his head. “Why bother? It’s done.”

Brandy’s eyes widened. “What’s done?”

“This!” Xavier through his hands up. “This…ridiculous sham of a relationship! I’ve spent the past five years trying to get her to believe in herself…hoping I could change her, but none of it matters. She won’t even listen to me.”

“You’re angry.” Brandy replied, calmly. “Understandably. Anyone would be.”

“
Angry?”
Xavier exclaimed, his eyes widening. “Of course I’m fucking angry! Angry, hurt, confused…Anger is just the beginning of it! I don’t…I feel like I don’t know the woman I love, Brandy. She said she didn’t want to have a kid she couldn’t control.”

At that particular detail, his sister fell silent, lowering her gaze. If there was anyone else who could understand his anguish, it should be Brandy. She was planning to have her own baby – a baby who, while having wonderful parents, would have the same grandparents that had controlled their mother even into her adult years. As excited as she was, Xavier knew that she also had to be pretty scared herself.

But Brandy was willing to take the risk…Helena just ran from it.

“Xavier,” She finally whispered softly. “Don’t let this be the end. You love Helena, and she loves you. You guys can work this out.”

“Can we?” The programmer interjected, raising a hand to rub at the base of his neck and the ache that had sprung to life there. “I’m not so sure.”

That indecision followed him into work the next week. For the first time in his life, Xavier lamented that he didn’t have Helena’s skill of shutting everything out in favor of work. He felt like he saw her face everywhere in the office. Anytime anyone who looked the slightest bit similar to her walked by the door of his office, he did a double take.

He got precious little work done on Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday he took off completely, despite the preparation he knew would need to go into his upcoming merger. He needed some time to think.

Being in the house he’d planned to live in with Helena was nothing short of torture, so he forced himself to get out. He drove to the other side of town, to the boardwalk, and began a jog with a bruising pace, hoping to burn the lingering agony out of his system.

She didn’t want his child. She didn’t even want to give it a chance.

He didn’t know what was worse, that she was going to abort the child or that she had lied to him. As he inhaled and exhaled sharply in tandem to the punishing rhythm he’d set his body to, sweat trickled down the back of his neck and stung his eyes.

Since Helena had left, she hadn’t called. Neither he nor Brandy had any idea where she might be, and he hadn’t called into her office to see if she was still reporting to work. He tried to tell himself that he didn’t care, but that was bullshit. As badly as she’d hurt him, he still cared.

Still loved.

He wondered how long that would take to fade. Before Helena he’d never really been in love – never really felt the way she’d made him feel. Remembering the fact only made him run faster, until his muscles started to protest.

Before Xavier knew it, he had done about six miles along the beach and found himself in front of the hotel where Brandy and Emily were staying. He knew they were leaving the next day, and he felt awful that he couldn’t be a better host, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Anything other than moping around, that was.

Slowing his pace, Xavier made his way onto the hotel patio, waved in by a guard who he recognized. His company was the establishment’s tech support, and he visited the premises enough to be allowed where he would. The young CEO made his way to the railing that overlooked the sea twenty or so feet below and stood, staring out at the ocean as he caught his breath.

Christ, he was a mess.

As his body cooled, he began to catch the first strains of sweet, low music floating to him from the direction of the hotel. Turning from the water, Xavier slowly made his way back to the immense brick building, picking a path through the manicured garden and into the restaurant just beyond the terrace. He thought, for a moment, that the music he’d heard was coming from the speaker system, but quickly realized his error. His eyes widened as he found none other than his youngest sister, Emily, seated in the center of a crowd of admirers, her cello balanced effortlessly between her knees as music flowed effortlessly forth.

For at least five minutes, all Xavier could do was watch her, transfixed. He remembered the long hours the young woman had been forced to put in from a very young age – how she’d been driven to tears multiple times when their parents had forced her to play well past her bedtime. She’d been accepted to Julliard without question when she was twelve years old, but at the time, he hadn’t been able to stand to hear her play, knowing exactly how she’d advanced.

But that had been years ago – and then, she had sounded nothing like she did now.

This was…utter perfection.

Emily played with her eyes closed, her expression utterly serene. The bow was an extension of her arm as it slid silkily back and forth over the strings of her gleaming instrument; her fingers moved effortlessly, masterfully, and the music that emitted was like nothing he’d ever heard. It was small wonder she’d drawn a crowd, with more approaching every moment. Xavier would never have imagined Emily might have brought her cello with her across the country. He thought she might see the trip as an escape…but now…he was forced to admit that he might be wrong.

Along with the other people gathered around her, Xavier lost himself in the music she played. The melody was one sad and sweet, and only emphasized by the fact that complete silence seemed to have fallen on the first floor of the establishment. People checking in stopped mid-conversation, those having dinner ceased eating, and everyone listened, their attention rapt, to Emily Thompson.

The piece she played seemed to go for an eternity, lilting over highs and lows that brought tears to Xavier’s eyes. It was for this that his sister had cried when she was younger – this had upset her. She’d told her parents that she hated the cello - that they couldn’t make her play beautifully – but they had.

And here she was – not hating the instrument, but very clearly enjoying what she did.

As the last strains of her piece finally faded out into silence, Xavier found himself questioning everything he knew about his upbringing – and the way his parents had always acted towards him. They had repressed him certainly, and from that repression he had built everything that he was.

Only to find that the one who’d inspired him to do it all might not be meant for him at all.

Everyone around him clapped loudly and Emily’s cheeks flushed as she set her bow aside, thanking them for their adulation. She refused a bevy of tips and took their admiration with grace, impressing upon Xavier what an impeccable young lady she had grown into – a character completely different than that of their sister, Brandy.

“Emily?” When people had begun to move off, he addressed her by name and she looked up, her eyes widening in surprise to see him standing there.

“Xavier!” She quickly stood, turning to lean her cello almost lovingly against the partition between the restaurant and the lobby. “What are you doing here?”

He knew he must look a mess, in his running shorts and sweat-soaked shirt. “I…um…I was out for a jog and I happened to pass by the hotel. I heard the music from outside and I...Goddamn, Emily. That was impressive.”

She only blushed more darkly, looking away in embarrassment. “I was just practicing for the show I have coming up. I had no idea I would draw so much attention.”

“Why wouldn’t you?” He inquired incredulously. “You have a gift,
truly
. I just…I can’t believe you’re the same little girl who balked when Mom and Dad tried to make you practice as a little girl.”

With a small smile, the young woman shrugged. “I’ve grown up, Xavier. Both of us have.” He sighed, glancing at the instrument she played so masterfully before sinking down into a chair next to one of the tables.