A Life More Complete (25 page)

“Come on, Rach. I’m nearly
twenty-nine years old. This is never going to happen for me with someone else. This
is my choice. Tyler and I have history and it’s important to me to make it
work, so I need it to be important to you.”

“Fine,” she says putting her hands up
in defeat. “You’re an adult and it’s been like, what ten years that you’ve
known him? You’d know better than anyone if it was meant to be, right?”

“Almost thirteen years,” I reply.

“Thirteen, no shit? Well, it’s your
choice.” She sounds sullen. “When’s the wedding?”

“We haven’t decided on a date. Really
we haven’t even talked about it.”

“Well that’s good. Still time to
bail,” she says, her tone mocking.

“Rachel, don’t be a jerk.”

“Sorry.”

Maizey shows up just in time to halt
the conversation. I know Rachel is none too pleased, but this is where I stand.

Maizey apologizes for being late. She
overslept. The best part of her arrival is the shift in conversation. We talk
about her job and her husband. She is truly happy and even though she still
struggles with feelings of relapse and her own inadequacies, her life is good. She
met someone who understands her struggles and is supportive. She finished college
and found a job working as a case manager for the Georgia Department of Child
and Family Services, a job that she says is rewarding, yet it has made her
jaded.

“There are so many bad parents out
there. It’s so sad. Although our mother was a crappy mom, she has nothing on
these people. Emotionally she fucked us all up, but physically we’re fine. Most
of these kids have more issues than you can even imagine.”

“I’ve always known it wasn’t as bad
as it could’ve been. We grew up middle class. She was the problem and now that
we’re away from it, things are better,” Rachel says.

I want to agree with her and I do in
some ways, but it’s hard to think that everything is suddenly cured when we
remove her from the equation. I still struggle.

The waitress takes our order and we
talk about everything from Rachel’s wedding to my stupid job. No matter whom I’m
with they always want to know about my glamorous PR job. I try not to dwell on
how much I hate it, filling the description with the parts people find
entertaining but still plugging in how demanding it is. Shortly after, the
waitress brings our food. We finish up, but before leaving we decide to get
together over Memorial Day weekend. Maizey and her husband have a vacation home
on St. Simon Island about five hours from her house in Atlanta.

With that we kiss good-bye and the
three of us head back to our lives as if we do this on a regular basis. It’s
nice to have my sisters back in my life and I’m beginning to realize the
importance of family.

The good news is my hangover is gone
after consuming a mass amount of water and a bacon cheeseburger. It was either
that or the fact that ninety percent of it was flushed from my body after I
puked.

Tyler is still sleeping when I return
so I put on some running clothes and my shoes. Heading out the door I slide my
iPod case up my arm and put in my ear buds. My running schedule has diminished
greatly since Tyler’s arrival. He won’t exercise with me and sees no point in
doing something like running on the beach. He goes to the gym every day, a
place that’s filled with sweaty, smelly people and time limited machines and
pumped in cold air. I love the outdoors and even when I lived back in
Naperville I ran every day regardless of the temperature. On the coldest of
days and on the hottest of days I still ran, sometimes in the early morning as
the sun was rising, other times late into the night to escape the sweltering
heat. It’s one thing that keeps me from going completely crazy.

By the time I return to the hotel,
cutting though the lobby and up to the elevator, several hours have passed. I’m
sweaty and sandy and desperately in need of a shower. When I enter the room
Tyler is on the balcony drinking a cup of coffee, which makes me cringe. The
thought of drinking coffee in general makes me cringe, but the thought of
drinking it mid-day and when the temperature is above seventy degrees makes me
sweat even more than I am already.

I greet him with a quick kiss as he
pulls me into his lap. He wraps his arms around me and places a few light
kisses along the back of my neck before releasing me. It makes me hope we’re
going to be okay.

Things are going better than this
morning, but just like always, Tyler can turn on a dime. We hit up the hotel
restaurant and I bring up a text that I got from Bob regarding his house
warming party.

“You want to go?” he asks with
annoyance, while cutting his steak.

“Yes. And I’d really like it if you
came with me. Bob’s a good friend and I want you to meet him.” I know Melinda
will be there and for me not to show up would really be a total lack of respect
for our friendship. “Please. I shouldn’t have to beg you to do something with
me.” I pout just slightly for effect.

“Fine. But just so you know the
traffic is going to be horrendous on a Friday night.” He sighs and mumbles
something under his breath that I want to call him out on but don’t.

“Thank you,” I say smiling sweetly.

Our dinner goes along in a strange
uncomfortable silence. It’s almost like we have nothing to say to each other. It’s
hard to find topics of conversation with someone who has known you for almost
thirteen years. You can only relive the past for so long before that gets
boring and it looks like we have reached that point. I try to make conversation
by asking how the office set up went and what his schedule looks like for the
next few weeks. Tyler’s answers are short and clipped. I turn the table and
begin to tell him about my upcoming week. I know I have a few meetings
scheduled but overall I won’t be too busy and as of right now I’ll be in town
for an entire week. I smile at him hoping he understands my excitement is
geared toward him. He obviously misses the point because what he says next
shuts me up immediately.

“Do you always have to fill the
silence? Can’t we just have a quiet dinner?” He sighs deeply and clangs his
knife and fork loudly off the plate as he sets them down. His eyes never meet
mine and in the next minute he signals our waiter. He pays the check without
even looking at it.

He conveniently misses the disgusted
look on my face and my huffy breath as we exit the restaurant. Because he walks
to the car at least four steps ahead of me and starts it before I can even open
the passenger side door. He’s beginning to piss me off and I know I can’t live in
a perpetual state of anger for the rest of my life. The worst part about this
is that I’m so close to admitting that Rachel just might be right and that’s
the last thing I want to do.

The next morning we wake early and
check out of the hotel that has already been paid for by Rachel, which gives me
a reason to cover the cost of her plane ticket to Atlanta. The car ride back
home is quiet and I allow it because I don’t have to fill the silence and to be
honest I am knee deep in emails.

Tyler leaves town late Tuesday night
to finish up a trial he has back in Chicago leaving me alone and lonely. This
is something I’m not entirely familiar with, as I have lived alone most of my
adult life, but no matter what I do I find I’ve become dependent on him. I need
someone else with me, sleeping in my bed, watching TV next to me, eating dinner
with me and it sucks. When Tyler doesn’t call on Wednesday night I’m crushed. I
climb in bed with the feeling of tears welling in my eyes and that tell tale
lump in my throat. I fight it back, but I eventually give way to all the
insecurities that haunt me from the past.
He’s
cheating on me
.

That’s the first thought that fills
my mind and it weighs on me like a ton of bricks. When his phone goes straight
to voicemail my thoughts spin wildly out of control. I picture him in bed with
another woman. Someone prettier than me, someone who doesn’t have to fill the
silence, someone who doesn’t like to run, who works out at the gym and has a
perfect tan and skinny calves and is pretty much everything that I’m not. I
call him two more times because I convince myself that two more times is only
mildly obsessive and when I add in that third phone call I chalk it up to being
a good girlfriend and by the fourth phone call you can just call me a stalker. I’m
not sure what you would even consider the fifth, sixth or seventh phone calls,
probably straight up crazy.

All of my borderline insane
tendencies tend to make an appearance when it comes to Tyler. I begin to obsess
over the fact that he’s not answering his phone, which then turns to me
obsessing over the fact that he just might see all the missed calls on his
phone and leave me. Who wants to be stalked by their girlfriend? Who calls
someone seven times in thirty minutes?
Me,
that’s who.
As my mind races I realize I never called Gia to tell her Tyler
and I are engaged. For some reason I decide that if I talk to Gia about my
engagement that it will without a doubt make it okay. There is no way he could
cheat on me if I’m saying nice, happy things about us, right?
Shit, I really am crazy!

I pick up the phone and dial. She
picks up on the first ring with excitement in her voice she greets me warmly. I
miss her so much.

“Hi, Gi. Miss you.” I say
immediately.

“Me too. What’s going on? How’s Tyler?”
she asks but also sounds slightly resigned.

“Good. He’s back in Chicago right now
finishing up some trial. For once I’m not gone but he is. It kinda sucks.”

The conversation hits a lull and I know
what she’s about to ask. She sighs deeply and begins. “He’s living with you?” It
almost sounds like a statement rather than a question. I pause for a moment
unsure of how to respond. For the first time in my life I want to lie to Gia. I
want to own that lie and fill it with details and take it to my grave. The tone
in her voice is disappointment, almost sad, which makes me feel guilty. It
makes me want to lie to save my ass from getting chewed out by her. I can’t do
it. I could never lie to Gia. Through everything she’s been my one constant, my
support system even when she didn’t agree with my decisions.

“Yes and I know what you’re going to
say...” She interrupts me almost immediately.

“No you don’t. This time I want you
to do what you feel is right. Follow your heart. As much as I can’t say I
agree, I just want you to be happy and there was a time when you and Tyler were
happy. I hope you can find that again.”

“Thanks. I really needed you to say
that. Rachel reamed me out and I wasn’t really in the mood for it again.”

“What’d Rachel have to say?”

“Just that Tyler is an asshole and he
treated me like shit. You know the usual. She said I was making a mistake.” I
roll my eyes. Leaning back against a pile of pillows and I press the phone to
my ear with my shoulder.

“Since when are you taking
relationship advice from Rachel? She pretty much made out with or slept with
her entire male graduating class. I still wonder about some of the girls, too. I’m
not sure she’s the right one to be dishing out advice.”

“She got married last weekend. I
totally forgot to tell you the last time we talked. Things were a little crazy
with work and now my...” I stop myself short of saying engagement, since I
forgot to mention that to Gia, too.

“Your what?” she asks as if she knows
what I’m going to say. She probably does. That is what happens when you know
someone as well as Gia and I know each other. There’s no hiding it now.

“M-My...,” I stammer. “Tyler and I
are engaged,” I blurt out. “He proposed last week. One day after we got back
together to be exact.” I close my eyes tightly and clench my teeth. If she was
trying not to be negative before I’m sure this will push her over the edge. The
silence on the other end is worse than words.

“Say something Gia. Please. You’re
killing me.” I blow out a deep breath. “I love him. I always have.”

“I know,” she says after what feels
like hours. “I understand that, it’s just that I can’t help but wonder if this doesn’t
have something to do with Ben. It’s hard to heal when you don’t give yourself a
chance. Jumping into this might feel really good right now, but you may regret
it later.”

“I understand what you’re saying and
I know it’s sudden, but we’ve known each other for so long. I feel like it’s
right.” I realize I’m lying to Gia as we speak. I don’t know if it’s right. But
admitting that would be like giving up and I can’t give up on something that is
so new. I also don’t tell her about my wild imagination, that’s just far too
embarrassing to even admit to Gia. I wouldn’t so much call it a lie, but an
omission. That sounds better.

“When’s the wedding?”

“I don’t know. We haven’t really
talked about it yet.”

“Well, I guess that’s good. That’ll
give you some time to think it through.”

“That’s what Rachel said, except her
words were a little more direct.” I recall exactly what she said to me and I
want to punch her in the face.

“Don’t tell me I actually agree with
Rachel on something? I think that’s a first.” Gia says, pointedly. Gia and
Rachel have never gotten along. Gia always found Rachel’s slutty high school
tendencies repulsive and crass. Once Rachel told Gia she didn’t wear underwear
to school so the boys could look up her skirt as she walked up the stairs. Gia
didn’t understand at first and when she finally got it the look of disgust on
her face was unmistakable. I also don’t think Gia wore a skirt or dress to
school for the next two years.