A Little Bit of Everything Lost (21 page)

“I think we last walked together in early March.”

Collette grabbed hold of Marnie’s tiny belly. “Holy crap!”

“Shhh. Keep it down, the boys don’t know yet.”

“How can they not know? Tell me everything!”

“Well, I don’t even know… I knew Stuart wasn’
t going to take it well, but I told him when I was a little over twelve weeks I guess. I kept thinking that if I waited… ”

“Cut the crap Marn, it’s me you’re talking to.”

They moved to the couch and Marnie took a deep breath.

“Oh God, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Some days I just think I can’t do this. Other days I think I don’t deserve this, and then I’ve been so worried because I know, I really knew deep down that Stuart didn’t want another baby.”

“And?”

“And I feel like I did this just for myself.”

It felt so good for Marnie to confess this, for her to confess what she had been feeling inside for so long to her best friend, that she felt a sudden lightness. This is what she needed to tell Stuart when he got home.

If he only would listen to her.

Chapter Forty-Five
December 1988

He was there, waiting for her, just as he had promised he would be after her shift was over. A promise. He had kept it. She hoped now that this would be the first of many promises. He had the nerve to try to kiss her when he greeted her, but Marnie turned her head so his lips swept across her cheek.

“Hi,” he said. She smiled. He put his hand on the small of her back, and she felt the immediate electricity she knew so well from his touch. He led her through the door of The Bean and into the snow-dusted evening.

On the way to his car she inhaled the smell of him. Damn. That cologne could stop her in her tracks. Joe opened the passenger side, waited while she got in, and then closed her door. He grinned at her from the outside as he wiped off the windshield with his gloved hand before he went to his side of the car. She was not prepared for the emotions that swung at her, not prepared for his arrival today. She hadn’t expected to see him ever again. She was slowly getting over the emotional and physical pain of the abortion, trying to get her life figured out, even contemplating what was happening back at school between her and Tyler. But here it was, winter break, and she was with Joe, in his car, smelling him, waiting to see what would happen. As if nothing had happened, no time had passed between them.

The interior was cold, but Marnie noted the familiarity of his car, of his things. There was a pack of Extra gum in the console as always, along with his Cure and INXS tapes. She was surprised to see the mixed tape she had made for him was still there too. She picked it up and looked at her flowery handwriting on the case. It was there, in his car, as if she had been with him all this time. Oingo Boingo’s
Dead Man’s Party,
Def Leppard, INXS, Breathe’s,
How Can I Fall,
Terrence Trent D’Arby’s
Sign Your Name Across My Heart,
Groovy Kind of Love
by Phil Collins, and The Cure’s
Love Song
– she knew every song on that tape by heart and she couldn’t believe he still had it in his car. Every reminder of the summer from those songs flashed through her mind. Every song had a moment attached.

He opened his side and got in, didn’t look at her, put the key into the ignition, turned up the heat, and put the car into reverse. Bon Jovi blared through the radio, but Joe clicked it off as soon as the lyrics started.

“Sorry,” he said.

She wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for the loud shock of music, or for the last few months. She didn’t know anything at all.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Somewhere so we can talk. Catch up, I guess.”

“That would be good,” Marnie twisted at her gloves.

They drove in silence, and Marnie thought of all the things she wanted to blurt out, how she barely survived the semester, how she had gotten pregnant. He didn’t even know he could have become a father! She had never expected that when she woke up this morning she would be in his car this evening, driving toward, well, she didn’t know what they were driving toward, and she never expected she would ever be faced with the possibility of having to tell him she had been pregnant with his baby. And after all, it was over now. She was trying so hard to forget, and her period had started back up normally enough. What was the point of bringing it all up? She wanted to hear why he was back. So many thoughts were running through her head and she wanted to quiet them all. She wanted to he
ar what he had to say. She didn’t need to say anything.

The Christmas lights sparkled on the trees on Carpenter Street, all white and glistening, and the snow was coming down harder. It was the kind of snow that flitted, big chunky flakes hitting the ground, turning everything white fast. It was the kind of snow Marnie knew was great for making snow angels, and huge snowmen, snow for the best kinds of snowball fights. It was the perfect snow for ice skating and hot chocolate, snow you could fall in love in. Snow she imagined would be perfect to be held tightly in, to be kissed in. It was the snow that could fall onto eyelashes and stick there, while a boy looked into a girl’s eyes and said how sorry he was for not being there for her. It wouldn’t have mattered that it was cold outside, and that the wind was whipping by and snow was falling. It wouldn’t have mattered that snow was covering their hair, their faces, falling into their lashes, onto their eyes; the only thing that mattered was that he was back, and that he would soon, maybe, kiss her.

She had no idea what to expect. When he pulled into the half-empty parking lot at a nearby strip mall, he put the car into park but didn’t turn off the ignition. He turned toward her, not saying anything, just looked at her, as if he was trying to remember her face.

Or maybe see it for the first time.

Marnie cast her eyes down. It was as if he was searching her, and this made her nervous. She wanted him to be sorry. Sorry for never calling. Sorry for going so fast over the summer, making her feel like he was falling in love with her, and then to leave her like that, as soon as school started. She deserved an explanation.

He didn’t say anything. The silence grew, almost roaring in her ears, until she couldn’t take it any longer. He just kept looking at her, and she felt her eyes begin the burning of tears. She didn’t want to cry; she would rather be angry.

“Well, you brought me here. Say something.”

He touched his arm to the headrest of her seat, close, but not to the point of contact. “I don’t know… I… I owe you a major apology, and I don’t know if you’ll accept… but… what I did was so not fair of me. I never
meant to hurt you and if there’s any way at all you’ll forgive me?”

Marnie exhaled loudly, which surprised the both of them. She hadn’t known she had stopped breathing. When she inhaled, the familiar scent of his cologne filled her, and for the first time in months, she felt something inside loosen.

“There were some things I had to take care of, some personal stuff I didn’t want to deal with but I had to,” he said. “And, well, it’s been taken care of. And I’d like to see if we can start off where we left?”

Marnie was quiet, so he continued.

“Because, truth here, no more bullshit. I can’t stop thinking about you. About the summer, about what we did, and how we were together. I just… and, well, I’m so sorry, and I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Me neither.”  She didn’t know where the words came from, but they spilled from her, those two words. “Me neither.”

She fell into him, wanting to forget everything that had happened, opening herself up to him again.

And she was back.

Chapter
Forty-Six
The Pregnancy – May 2004

“Daddy! Dad! You’re home!”

Marnie was up in her room as she braced herself for Stuart’s return home. She heard the boys jumping and clamoring for his attention and waited. She had no idea what to expect and hadn’t had any other conversation with him other than “Hello” and “Can I talk to the boys” since Tuesday’s phone conversation.

She was scared.

Finally, after about ten minutes of playtime and talk with the boys downstairs, she heard Stuart making his way up the stairs. The door opened and there was her husband.

“Hi,” she said, her voice shaking. God, she didn’t realize how scared she really was. Also, no matter how tired he was from flying, he always looked so handsome in his uniform, which frightened Marnie even more. There he was, all six-foot-two of him, and although he had been flying practically non-stop for what seemed like forever, and his jacket was rumpled and his hair tousled, he looked like her Stuart, so handsome and generous and loving. He smiled kindly at her, or at least he tried to, because he also looked sad, and she knew it was she who made him this way. Her heart broke into little pieces at this thought. She wanted to m
ake things better, but she didn’t know how to fix everything that they had lost. She was so nervous to be alone with him, to finally talk about the mistakes she made.

He took a seat next to her on the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty rotten.”

“Why? Is everything okay with the baby?” he asked. “The baby’s okay right?”

This was Marnie’s first sign that maybe everything would be all right, that maybe there was some thawing going on. If not between the two of them, then at least he might be accepting of the pregnancy.

“Oh. The baby’s fine. I’m just, Stuart… I’m so sorry… ” Marnie leaned into him and he placed his arm around her as she continued. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or why I did this to you, to us? I don’t know why I’ve treated you so badly. I, I… I have no excuse for this.”

Marnie began to sob in big fits of uncontrollable tears, and while she could tell Stuart was not ready to forgive, he did his best to comfort her, and for this she was thankful.

“Why don’t you lie down? I’m sure this has been really tough on you. I’ll go get the boys some dinner, and we can talk later.”

“Okay, I am tired,” Marnie admitted. “It’s been so hard. I keep thinking about you, and the baby, and how you’re feeling about everything. I know I screwed up… ” More tears came, and Stuart settled Marnie into the bed.

“I’ll come check on you later. You rest now.”

“Thank you,” Marnie said between sobs. “The boys and I missed you. I love you so much. I missed you so much.”

“Get some sleep.” He touched her on the arm, and sat there thoughtfully for a minute, rubbing circles on her shoulder while she sobbed. It was almost like he wanted to say something more.

But then he got up, and left the room.

Chapter
Forty-Seven
December 1988

“Spend Christmas Eve with me?” Marnie moved to open the door of Joe’s car after he pulled back into The Bean parking lot. She didn’t want to leave him yet, but she needed to get home and think about what had just happened, what could be happening. Did she want this again? She was getting better, she had at least convinced herself of this, and then he showed up.

Marnie didn’t want to remember the past few months and how they had been the worst time of her life. She didn’t want to think about how he had deserted her, had gotten her pregnant and not even known about it. If he was back in her life, he would be a constant reminder of all of that. She wanted to get home, get into her bed, and fall asleep, not think of any of the bad stuff that had happened.                            

But he had kissed her, and everything, all of those feelings that were bad, had gone away. He apologized, over and over, for not calling her, said he would be able to explain everything, but not now. Now, he had said, he just wanted to look at her again, to feel her, know she was here with him and she was okay with it. With being with him. Because that was all he wanted. To be with her.

Was she okay with it? Marnie didn’t know. The feelings that tumbled back were so intense, even reliving that painful part of her life might not make her see that this was all wrong. Maybe she should have never gone to the table when he showed up at The Bean. Maybe she should have just left through the back door, and then… then what?

She wasn’t over him. She knew that. She had simply been going through the motions. And now he was here, looking into her eyes, apologizing for having hurt her, asking to spend Christmas Eve together.

He couldn’t have even known how much he had hurt her. Joe had no idea what had transpired
when they were apart. For all he knew, she had gone back to school, met up with another guy, maybe Tyler, and started up another intense relationship, without having given a single thought to him. And even though Marnie had spent some time with Tyler, not a day had gone by that she hadn’t thought of Joe. Thought about them together.