A Little Bit of Trouble (33 page)

     “Babe.”

     We stare at each other for a few moments. Her chest heaves, her eyes pool with unshed tears. They sparkle with hatred and accusations and blame. She needs time.

     “I’m sorry.”

     “You’ve said.”

     “I’ll just be outside okay?” I place my lips against her forehead, she pushes my face away with a trembling hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

     “You’re wasting your time.”

     “No I’m not.” Not a minute spent with Loryn during the good or bad is a waste, nor will it ever be. I hastily send Maya and Marie in so I can sulk and lick my wounds. Rejection sucks but I deserve it and if she needs someone to be angry at then I want that person to be me. Anger is still an emotion.

     Six hours later I’m still sat in the family lounge and she still doesn’t want to see me. It sucks. I want to force her hand, force my way in there and sit by her side until she relents but the last thing she needs right now is extra stress.

     “She’ll come around,” Marie says as she hugs me goodbye. She has to go feed the cat. “I’ll be back in the morning. Maybe you should go home have a shave and a shower and come back tomorrow.”
Her eyes glance at the room. “She’ll come around.”

     “Yeah,” it
sounds like a good idea. “I might as well.” Give her some time to cool off.

     A warm hand grips my wrist before I take another step. “It’s not your fault Lucas.”

     “Really?” my eyes close briefly, to put a stop to whatever it is burning a path to my lashes. “It feels like it.”

     I step into
Loryn’s room, only to find her asleep. She looks so peaceful and beautiful. There’s no way I can resist such a temptation, so I lean forward and press my lips to hers. She sighs softly in her sleep. My lips kiss every inch of her face before leaving her be. I write her a quick note telling her I’ll be back in the morning and place it in her hand before heading home.

     I shave, I shower I get changed, I even eat but my mind isn’t on it. She’s right, I’m an idiot. I’ve played with her from the beginning, I kept telling myself to end it but I wouldn’t even though I was convinced I would never love her.

Lucas the asshole Grant should be my new fucking name.

     She’s right though, she has no reason to think anything I say is anything other than a moronic trick to keep her by my side. I’ll just have to prove it, she deserves more than words. Actions, she deserves and needs actions and proof. I’ll just have to prove it to her and pray that she’ll forgive me. If this week has taught me anything it’s that a life without Loryn is a life without color. I need my splash of color. Amelia needs her splash of color and I want Loryn to find that with us.

     So how do you tell someone who probably hates you, who is heartbroken from the recent events, that you love them? Perseverance? Although that didn’t work for James with Maya. It just pushed her away, but then again,
Loryn isn’t Maya. Loryn likes romance, hearts, flowers and the sweet gestures. So for the time being I will keep at it. I’ll keep on texting, calling, sending her notes and flowers and such.

Until she’s ready to see me.

My phone rings when I pick it up ready to send my first text, “Hello?”

    
It’s Maya. “She’s been crying for the past twenty minutes… what do I do?”

     “What do you mean what do you do?”
Shouldn’t she be directing me?

     “
She’s distraught Lucas.”

     “Yeah.” I know.

     “That doesn’t help at all.”

     “
I don’t know Maya. I don’t know. She doesn’t want to see me right now.”

     I hear her exhale deeply.

     “Okay? I’ll be back soon. Let her get it out of her system.”

     “Are you okay Lucas?”

     “Not really,” I hang up and grip my phone in my hand. Hearts and flowers.

Lucas
: I miss you.

     Well that just sucks. Well done Lucas! Gah, I’m useless.

     Maybe I should just put away the whole romance theory for now and have a nap first. Yes. That sounds like a good idea.

Time Doesn’t Fly.

     “What do you mean she refuses to see me?” I shout in the middle of the hall at my brother. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

     “Lucas, calm down, there are other sick patients on this ward.”

     I narrow my eyes and lower my voice, “How the hell am I supposed to prove myself to her if I can’t fucking see her?”

     “Maya will talk to her. Wait until she calms down. She needs to rest, she’s been through a lot. Why don’t I get those to her…” he takes the huge teddy from
my arms and the large box of candy. “And you go and calm down, take Amelia to the park or something.”

     I relent, but only because I have no other choice and I miss my daughter like crazy, “Fine.
Tell her to call me.”

     “I will.”

     And with that I stomp off and collect my little angel from Sylvia’s. We play on the park until we’re both exhausted and gasping for air. At least the burning in my lungs has numbed the pain in my chest.

September
1
st

Lucas
: Did I ever tell you that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, inside and out? Well I mean it. You really are. Please call me.

September 2nd

Lucas
: Did you get my messages yesterday? Can I come and see you?

Lucas
: When are you getting discharged from the hospital? Are you feeling okay? Please let me know. I miss you.

September 3
rd

Lucas
: Is it wrong that I’m jealous of my daughter? That she got to see you this morning and I didn’t? How are you feeling? She tells me you look beautiful even though you’re poorly. You always look beautiful Loryn. You take my breath away.

September 4
th

Lucas
: The rabbit chewed through the wire of your hairdryer that I forgot to return to you. I’m sorry… I’ve bought you a new one. Maya said it’s the best but I’ll let you be the judge seeing as you know about all of that stuff. Who would have thought a little rabbit could be so devious?

September 5
th

Lucas
: Still waiting on your call. It feels like forever since we spoke. I came to the hospital today but you still won’t see me. So instead I’ve got to continue filling up your inbox with these messages. I miss you. Call me. Even if it’s to shout at me.

September 6
th

Loryn,

    
You aren’t answering my texts so I decided to write to you instead. I miss you, please take pity on me and let me see you. You plague my every thought, my every waking moment and even my sleep time. You’re in every dream, your image is burned on my brain so when I shut my eyes I see you, when I open them I see you. Everything reminds me of you and I won’t deny the fact that I love it at the same time as I hate it. A life without you is... words can’t even explain how lonely I feel without you. Please call me.

September 7
th

James says I’m turning into him. Apparently you haven’t mentioned me and you shut down when anyone does. Do I really cause you that much pain? Christ babe. That tears me up, I want to be a
ssociated with your happy times. I don’t want to be in your mind like this. Like a nuisance that you have to hear about because you’re friends with my relatives. I miss you. Just call me, shout at me, and slap me if it will make you feel better.

     I went to the park with Amelia again today. We’ve been going there a lot recently. It helps me
take my mind off you. Only a little bit but just enough to function. Because that’s what you do to me. You consume me to the point where I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.

     Amelia misses you, can I bring her to see you?

September
8
th

Lucas
: Unfortunately I haven’t seen anyone today other than Amelia so I couldn’t get your newest note to you. You are getting them right? And the flowers? And the candy? And all of the other stuff? Just respond yes or no.

Lucas
: Wow. Not even a yes or a no? That sucks. But I know I deserve it. I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me baby. I’ve been a dick, I’m sorry. Let me show you just how sorry I am.

September 9
th

Loryn,

     I went to the park again today, this time with Maya, James, Evelyn and Amelia. They said you’re getting released tomorrow. They also said you told them to tell me to stop messaging you. That’s not going to happen. I get it, you want it over, I deserve it. But I’m not letting you go. I’d be an idiot to let you go. So it’s not going to happen, not unless you tell me to my face, that you really don’t love me anymore then I’m not giving up.

     I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow at Marie’s and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. You’re mine to look after, mine to protect, I already failed at that once. I definitely won’t be failing again anytime soon.
This I swear.

     How are you feeling? Are you well enough to be coming home? I wish home was here, with me but I
fucked
that up. Sorry, I shouldn’t have sworn.

                      
^MESSED

     Please call me.

      I stand in the hall outside of Marie and Loryn’s apartment. The door opens and Marie greets me with a sad smile and a shake of her head, “She doesn’t want to see you Lucas.”

     My heart plummets like it has done every single day I didn’t get a reply. “Please Marie…”

     She looks up at the ceiling and taps her chin in thought, “You’re a big guy,
and I’m just a weak feeble female.” She swings the door open with a bang. “LUCAS I SAID DON’T COME IN HERE!”

     “Crafty lady,” I chuckle as I pass her
and her dramatically flailing form. “Thanks Marie.”

     “I’ll be in the kitchen, make it quick.”

     I’ve been here once before so I remember my way to the spare room which is now Loryn’s. “Go away,” ouch. I enter the room after a small knock and head straight to the
talking lump on the bed. “Lucas I’m not in the mood.”

     “Yeah, I know,” I sit on the side of the large bed and place my hand over the blanket on her knee. I’m too scared to touch anywhere else in case I hurt her.
She looks so beautiful, curled up on her side, her hair fanning out behind her, the blanket tucked up to her chin. “I’m sorry.”

     “Don’t.” I hate the finality behind that word.

     “Loryn…”

     She glares at me and slowly shifts herself up, I help her get comfy much to her annoyance.

     “Are you thirsty? Hungry? Do you need anything?”

     “I need you to leave.”

     “Not going to happen.”

     “You’ll have to leave eventually, for Amelia.”

     “Yep. And then I’ll just come straight back,” I’m being stubborn because I’m worried that the more time I give her the less chance I’ll have of being able to make her see just how sorry I am. “Don’t cry.”

     She wipes at her eyes and winces a little.

     “Do you need a pain killer?”

     “Had plenty thanks,” her voice is low, annoyed and her eyes are so damn sexy when she’s pissed off.
“Can you just leave?”

     I eye the room, mainly so I don’t have to watch her glare. It does things to me; I’m ashamed to admit. “Shall we watch a movie?”

     “Amelia?”

     “She went back to school yesterday.”

     “Right.” Her bottom lip vanishes beneath her top row of teeth. “Lucas. I really think you should just leave.” I watch it ping back out when she talks and shudder a little. Why this affects me I have no idea and I feel like beating my thickening cock for being bad but that would be painful. “Are you listening?” What is wrong with me? The girl I love is wounded and vulnerable and I’m fantasizing about her amazing fucking lips. I need help.

     “Yes. You’re just not saying anything I want to hear.” She’s crying again. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Reaching over I place my hand on her cheek. She throws it away.

     “You don’t get it do you. You didn’t want me, you d
idn’t need me. You just used me Lucas.”

     “That’s not true!”

     “If you hadn’t been such a fucking asshole I would have been with you and I wouldn’t have lost
it
and I wouldn’t be sat here worried about whether I’ll ever be able to have kids!” Ouch.

     “Baby…”

     “God!” she growls and slams her hands on the bed, tears falling down her cheeks. “If you had just… If we’d… and then…” a sob makes her body tense and her hands cover her face. “I can’t deal with this. With the letters, the texts, the flowers, the fucking candy and everything else! The music, the… the… dammit Lucas I just need to forget. I can’t forgive you. You hurt me. You broke my heart and now here you are…”

     “Because…”

     “No!” she practically screams. “No because, no buts, no fucking anything anymore. I’ve heard it, I won’t be that woman that falls for it over and over again. I don’t know why you’re here and I don’t want to know! If I hadn’t lost it would you even be here now? Is it pity?” she gasps for air and continues. “Don’t tell me anything. I can’t, I won’t, I refuse to hear it!”

     Resting my hand on hers I don’t blame her when she pulls away and looks away from me, “Loryn, I’m so sorry baby. Please believe me.”

     “Good, you’re sorry. Tell me how the fuck that helps me?” Umm. “It doesn’t change a thing, it doesn’t change my body, it doesn’t heal me and it doesn’t help. And it doesn’t bring my baby back!” Fuck. “You don’t help. I just really,
really
need you to leave!”

      I shake my head, refusing to believe she means what she says. She’s just angry right? “Please don’t make me leave.”

     “What’s it going to take to get you to leave?”

     The admittance that will destroy me. Dare I ask? I’m scared of the answer. “Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me there’s no chance and I’ll leave.”

     What hurts worse? The fact she looks me dead in the eye without a seconds hesitation and hisses, “I don’t love you. I was stupid to think I did.” Or the fact she then proceeds to wave me off with her hand as if I’m nothing more than a pesky fly buzzing around her?

     With a solemn nod I stand and lean forward to hopefully entice her with a kiss, she turns her face. My lips meet the soft pink flesh of her cheek. I run my nose along her cheekbone and press my forehead against her temple, my hand runs gently down her arm until I find her fingers and grip them tight. Leaning back a little I find her red rimmed eyes and search them for anything. A sign of a lie, a sign of love, a sign that she doesn’t want me to go. All I find in her gorgeous browns is nothing. They’re blank, emotionless like the rest of her face.

     “Okay,” my voice is just lower than a whisper. I’m afraid to talk for fear I’ll cry or worse, beg. I should beg, but now isn’t the time. My girl is hurting, and I’m adding to that. So I kiss her cheek one last time and head to her bedroom door. As soon as I open it Marie falls through onto her knees, she blinks up in surprise and smiles apologetica
lly for no doubt eavesdropping. Stepping over her I hastily make my way towards the exit without looking back because I know that if I do, I won’t leave. She needs time. I’ll give her time, but I won’t stop my relentless pursuit of her heart.

It belongs to me, I just need to remind her of that.

    
Shit. I’ve really messed up. Why aren’t time machines available yet? Why has nobody invented one? I could go back, make sure to put on a condom, or go back and tell her I love her properly. I want to say it but I want her to hear it, right now she won’t hear anything but the sound of her woes swimming through her mind. And what woes they are.

     What do I do now?

September 11
th

Lucas
: When you’re ready baby. Just call me. Until then I’ll wait for you. I swear to you, if you need anything. Anything at all, just let me know.

September 20
th